Guess this means I'm back.

Well I was a little blown away that my last blog was on the 19th of January, but then I remembered the fact that I have forgotten my password. Whoops!

Here we go again, another round of my awesome brain spilled onto digital text. Lets see what kind of trouble I can get into this time. Of course, it's 3 am so maybe we should try and go down this road another day... maybe tomorrow.

I bid you farewell.
Until tomorrow, and yes, I know you can hold on until then.

Coffee Break...yo.

Is it really that hard for people to grow up?
I have to be honest, this is a stretch for me right now. I have become the kind of person where not a whole lot bothers me...so getting up enough to bother me to write about it..was tough. It's already off my chest, and I could care less, but writing gets me to thinking about a lot more than I begin with.
So.
Here we go.
DJ.
:)

You know what I just realized. Im sure I've already written about this. Long story short, I'm not in high school. It isn't a fight for prom queen, or to get the most votes for homecoming, it is life. There is too much to learn, too much to DO to deal with your bullshit. You bore me. If all of your life is just another day of high school, then we wont get along in the least. Talk about your party, talk about how drunk you got, talk about how the boy smiled at you or invited you out. Do it all you want, but after three days tops I will be bored of you. There has to be some girls out there to be friends with that are like me, and over that stage of life.
Now, I could attribute it to me not actually going to parties or into guys like you are. I can probably attribute it to me not being as socially out going as you are, but I wont.
Why?
Because I could go to parties if I want to. I could, I can, and I have. It isnt the biggest part of my life, however, so I'm not going to talk about it. It's just a gathering, a stress release, not a highlight in my life.
Do I just get tired of people in general? I think maybe Jori and I have been best friends for so long because we've only seen each other once a year and texted occasionally. That might be it. I cannot actually spend 100% of my time with people and not get bored of them. No offense intended.

J- I love her to pieces, but is it because I am not there? I am not there, but it's not like we talk every day either. Once in a while we update each other and move on. Is that how we can be friends? Her life is so much different than mine...what she likes is so much different. We have similarities for sure, but I dont think it's enough to make a solid friendship. Not sure.
L- I lost interest in her a while ago. Flaky, disorganized. She was great, and nice and we got along quite well, but I dont know. I just got bored of it. Not worth my time.
R- I am not sure about her. I've heard from others her personality is based on who she is with...which sucks! Is that why I like her? When I am with her, she is me. I dont know, there is a problem with that theory. She is quite shallow...and I can tell. If she agrees to something, I can tell she only is to agree. Is that me? Am I that fake?
S - Love her to death, but my god! She is a flake. Is she worth my time? We are quite similar and she isnt like the boring girls who party constantly. I am a little on the fence with this one.
R - She is worth my time. She has a mind and we talk, plus we have similar interests and similar lives. :) She's great.
B - Im just starting to get to know her, after 17 years of knowing her. I guess it started last year, after someone told us to be more sisters than mother and daughter. I've sort of raised her, so I've always had that mind set. I need to let it go, and move on. So far, I like who she is. :)
C - Seems to be the only person I have yet to become bored of. Simple enough.
K - Bored of him easily. Im sure the reason the friendship continued was because I substituted my feelings for others, in him. Transfer of emotions. Simple enough. Him as a person, no.
B - I am pretty sure that with this guy, the reason things lasted so long was because I constantly imagined the person he was when we were apart, and that happened a lot.
There are more, but I'm bored.

Enough with this friendship review...

biproducts are out.

Well, my secret friend, I have a problem.
I bore easy. I've noticed it more and more. I'll meet people and we'll be talking all the time and I am quite excited to do so. And then....a couple weeks pass and I dont even feel the need to say hello to them anymore. They bore me. The things they talk about are predictable and I can plan out everything that will happen...before it happens. I just, I cant stand it. Maybe if I would hang out in person with them on a daily basis, it would be different. But, we're not. If they cant hold my attention this way for more than two weeks, what makes me want to waste my time and meet for a coffee? It's pretty ridiculous. Is there nobody out there that can hold my attention for more than a week????? Not get on my nerves, and irritate me after two weeks??
I dont understand.
Do I have a problem with commitment and that is why Im ducking out early? Am I even ducking out early...or are they really that flat of characters. I would like some depth. Is it so hard to find .... depth? Interests? Spark?

The more people I meet, the more I realize how boring people are.
Dont even get me started on the new hell of high school I have entered into at work. >< Freaking bitches...
Moving on. I have a job, that is the bright side. I dont care what they do to me there, Im just going to work and get my paycheck. That way I can get to my goal! :D I want to shape up myself by May.
Body.
Mind.
Soul.
Everything.
A total redo...
May 2011. Then Im going to live. :)

Peace!

Winter f** wonderland.

Blogger time! Im sure you've been waiting patiently for me to return, you tiny computer.

Well, I guess updates are in order?
I have passed my smart serve, so I can serve alcohol! Exciting, yes? I might have a job at Jerseys, a family restaurant/sports bar in Uxbridge. It's my cousins favorite place, and she's pretty excited about it! It would be a fantastic place to work, it's only a 10 minute walk away too.
I dyed my hair yesterday! It is blue black now. The blue is much more viberate than I recall. I am guessing the black hair looked quite amazing on me before, but I also wore make up more often. I think the black hair was great when I wore makeup, but the brown I had was great if I didnt wear any make up. Oh well, I guess I should start doing it again. I honestly dont wear it because I dont want to take the time to put it on. That and I dont have much. I have started using those face moisturizers with SPF, and Im quite happy with the results. Haha! I miss the good ol days where you didn't have to wear makeup or shit like that and you'd still look great!
Im pretty sure though, I will be able to not wear it with the black hair if I just get my bangs cut. They keep falling to the side and leaving my forehead exposed.
Oh well. Those all seem quite small things to worry about.

I might have a job. Bonus! Life is being nice to me. Boys, however, that is another story. But everyone needs to go through the rough times to truly appreciate the good. That's how I see it at least. It dampens my spirits a bit, but then I get a hold of my emotions and see it for what it is.

My heart is kind of torn in that respect also. I want to do so much, see so much. But I also want a guy...but if I want a guy then I really cant do what I want to. Lame. I just need to accept that Im not one to be in a relationship anymore. haha, why do all of these damn posts end up being about a persons heart or relationships???

Lame sauce. I wish people weren't such chicken shits... and would take responsibility for their own actions. Would be nice indeed.

list

Dear little computer,

Life seems to actually be working out. :) I seem to actually be comfortable in my own skin, my own life. I kind of wanted to make a little bucket list. I have already made one for books, and I wanted to make another for life in general. Lets see if I can actually do it. :)

My list:

01. Get accepted into Durham for ECE.
02. Become a teacher.
03. Read my list of books.
04. Climb Everest.
05. Live in Scotland with Bethany.
06. Take Kendra to Disney Land.
07. Visit Phred.
08. Backpack around Germany.
09. Visit Rome.
10. Get a poem published.
11. Have a show at a Gallery for my art.
12. Own a gallery.
13. Finish 7 paintings.
14. Sponsor a child.
15. Adopt.
16. Build a school.
17. Go to a movie premier.
18. Go to TIFF.
19. Go skydiving.
20. Go to Nepals, eat pizza.
21. Try surviving in the woods.
22. Dance atop the Eiffel tower.
23. See a Broadway show.
24. Visit the family Bakery in DC.
25. Visit my grandfathers grave.
26. Become at peace with myself.
27. Overcome my fear of water.
28. Ski down a slope.
29. Run a marathon.
30. Win a karaoke contest.
31. Make a documentary of childhood.
32. Save the world.

Soon.

So, it's the new year. A new decade. It should be some profound moment in my life...gushing with opportunity and bursting with potential. I cant help but feel ... nothing. My entire self is numbed by the thoughts I am trying to overcome.
That is why I have come to you.
Dear Blogger. Keeper of my secrets. I hope you can silence these thoughts.
They're about what they always lead to eventually. The standard of all men, the pinnacle of a gentlemen. My rock.
What am I supposed to do? We have this ridiculous tug of war that drives me crazy. First it's me, then it's him. And I dont know what to do! Honestly, out of everyone in my life he is who I want to go to when something bad happens. Something bad, or good, or drastic. Dramatic. Exciting. He is like a light house and Im lost at sea. Cliche, perhaps. True? Very.
He is contagious. No. He is addictive. He is a drug that I cannot take once. The millisecond his soul touched mine I felt engulfed in something I have yet to feel again. How can you meet someone with such an impact at such a young age? I cant believe in the possibility, which is probably why it's lasted this long. Honestly, I am not sure it is real.
It is strange though, he is in my head, yet he is just observing. I get the slightest insecurity, and he knows the exact thing to say to extinguish it.
Instantaneously.
It is like the second I think of it, he knows and bites my tongue for me.
We can go a year without speaking.
We have.
And when I recently got back in contact with him... I explained why I did. I had a moment of clarity. I thought of him, after months of pushing it aside in my head and I felt refreshed. I explained it to him, and he said he felt the same. He can be worked 14 hours a day, and exhausted.
And getting a simple "hello" he is overcome with this...refreshing feeling. I dont understand it at all.
It is something so much bigger than him or I.
I am not desperate. I am not a romantic. I am not influenced by movies, tv or couples. My own brain comes to these ideas, and it hurts.
There is a lingering pain there.
I am afraid...
The idea of being with one person the rest of your life...is one thing, among atomic warfare, that terrifies me. I get bored. If a rut comes along, I need out. Fast.
I was with my last boyfriend for over a year, yes. But we were only in the same place for months at a time. I think that is why it lasted. We were not together all the time.
Am I not someone meant to be with another?
I need to be pushed, inspired and dared. I need to reach my limits, and find his. I seem to find them too easy with most..and the initial interest fades quite quickly. I take on their interests to hold onto something, but it is empty.
We have talked on and off, but still have felt no less for one another.
Yet, what if we talked constantly? Would I become bored of the one person I never thought I would? Would he become bored of me?
Have I grown up too much? We met at 16... have we moved too far along in our lives?
I dont know what to do. What to think.
He knows my quirks. He tells me if I've crossed a line.
He isn't afraid to mold me.
I dont mean that in the sense that I would or could change for him, but in another way. More of a way that he is willing to push me and teach me. He has already taught me so much.
My world has expanded so much because of him. His, not so much from me.
There are things, however, I have done for him.
Maybe I am so into this idea of us because of his independence. His thriving life and the fact that adding me to the mix would not be a huge change for either of us.
I like the idea of having my own life, and him having his.

I dont know what to do. I cannot give into this feeling.
I cannot just let it consume me again. I fall too fast and much too hard for him if I let it happen. He is the top of the K2, and when I accept my feelings for him, I begin to plummet off, gaining speed quickly.

I am torn. What we have is from movies.
For him, every girl he's been with or met has been a distraction as he put it. I guess I give myself too little credit. Where I rate everyone I meet from the standards he has set, he finds things similar to me in them. One has my laugh, another my humor, and still another gives him a certain look which I once did. Subtle things he has all found similar which has drawn him to them. Unfortunately for them, he bores easy when they are not the same. These are not my words, they are his.
For me, I will also see things about them which remind me of him and I jump! Days later I find they are not so common, and my interest fades. Maybe this is why I get bored of people easy, leading me to the idea I have a fear of commitment.
I am unsure, however, it does sound plausible.
We've fucked each other up. Without the other, we are not happy, but merely content. Living each day as the last.
I cant admit this. I wont.
I wont let myself become careless and fall for him again.
He is my cryptonite.

I am so overwhelmed with this. We were like magnets...or puzzle pieces. Once put together, there was a snap. I knew it, he knew it. There was something there. Ever since then we've been pulled apart by others, jobs, life. Yet, we still snap together as if nothing has happened or years have passed.
An immortal caring.
Boy, that sounds childish. 8 year old girl childish. Im not a princess.
This isnt a fairy tale. I need to get a reality check.
We will never be a we.
He will never be with me.
It wont work out.....no matter what I tell myself.


No matter how low every man since him has fallen to the bar he has set...
Soon my heart will believe my head and all this will be over...

Soon...

There's a green hippo in your shoe.

Hello world! :)

Not much new going on. Decided not to go to Germany, it just isnt working out right now. Oh, right. I was going to move to Germany for a year. :) A small town near Hamburg. It was all planned out, but I forgot the idea of having a back up plan. Lame-o. So, long story short, not moving to Germany.
Ill just have to go when Bethany graduates. :) That was my plan originally. We are going to move to Scotland for the summer, which Im super stoked about! I am the kinda person who wants to do that sort of thing.... but you already knew that.

It makes me wonder, well yesterday. I was discussing some things with my friend. We usually talk about things that evolve some brain work. It started with AA, and how I really dont agree with their methods. It lead to the extreme low which humanity finds itself. Human nature is actually soft and lazy now, its depressing. I found out that the schooling system is highly flawed, more than I thought. In the USA they have half days Thursday and Friday in most places. The schools rely on student attendance to get their funding. If they dont get the attendance, their budget goes down. They dont want that, so they'd rather have shit days which the students learn nothing just so they are there rather than losing funding. It's disgusting really. Humanity is fucked for the future.

I think I am going to make a list of things I want to do before I die. I already made one for books, lets try other things. It will certainly make getting them done easier. If you know what you want, you can strive towards it. Aimlessly trudging into the future not knowing what I want, is like a blind child looking for something that they do now know what it feels like. Anyway, gonna go!
Peace.