Hey jude.

Again, been a while.
This who concept seems to keep slipping my mind. I do need a place to explain everything Ive been thinking... since my friends and I really aren't on a daily discussion basis.
So, here goes.
I broke up with Brad yesterday. I still love him, but it wasnt hurting us both to hold on. I want to go to school, which can take 4 years or more. I want to move, document, and explore the world. I just realized that if I have a teaching degree I can move to another country and teach.. might be something to look into! Id love that. :)
I want to do that though, and not have roots. Ive come to a realization that I have a problem with commitment. Which made me think about my life... and how I've been without a boyfriend my whole life until him...unlike a huge majority of my friends. Theyve all been in and our of relationships... and look at where they are. I can see things happening for them, but nothing spectacular. I feel like a glow is starting to spread around me now that Im single. It makes me think about why I was single for so long, and why I never had a guy. Everyone says that things happen for a reason. Maybe my being single was a reason.
Not being with a man has given me the power to view myself and discover who I am. I haven't been infatuated and created myself based off of who I am with at the time. I am me, and love me or leave me but that's how it's going to be.
I also have had time to think about what I really honestly want to do with my life. I have never been content with the idea of mediocredy. Like Oscar Wilde said once, everyone can survive but it is truly rare to live. I want to live. I want to hold the world in my hand! I have big plans... and I dont want anyone to hold me back or to tie me down.
My heart warms and swells when I think about it. I dont want to have to wait for someone else to make my choices. I feel that me being single most of my life has given me the opportunity to actually do the things I want. Like I have potential in the world, and this was giving me a chance to see that I do. Like there is something Im meant to do. :)

Its nice. Ive felt single for a while... just having made it final. I love him, but again, it wont work. We want different things. Only a couple people know. My mom, My uncle and aunt, Chris, Shannon and Tynan. I dont really feel the need to tell anyone else. I dont feel like I have to broadcast it.

I dont know exactly what else to say. I wanted to get that out. I feel pretty awesome though, because Chris still cares about me. I dont want a relationship, but it's nice to know after almost 6 years he's never found anyone like me. It was like a movie... one of those romantic movies. LOL! He said he'd never gotten over me, and every girl he's ever been with since me was just a distraction. They never lasted longer than 4 months, if they got that far. I feel pretty special.
I guess it all started... me thinking about him again.. when I got a fortune cookie that said your first love never forgot about you. Which is when I decided to find him and talk to him... because I still care about him and never forgot about him. Then, he said he never did. ^^ Pretty cool. He said I was pretty unforgettable. Which is surprising because I always thought I was so normal and boring. :) But I have finally admitted it, haha, Im awesome! :) Im a catch, just takes a while to pin me down. Im not into being tied down anymore. ;)

I like being free like this. I feel like the old me again. :) Anything is possible! Im going to not look for romance anymore, if it is meant for me it will find me. :)
I aint gonna go looking for shit like that. :p

Christmas concert tonight for Katie. Haha! Should be fun. :)
Im out, gotta clean for the party this weekend.
<3