Im so tired of you. I cant stand it. You are the biggest, most immature bitch of a person I know! What the fuck happened to you so you'd act like this?! What was so awful in your life that you think the world owes you?! Grow the fuck up, I'm so tired of you. I know for a fact you were raised better than to act like such a spoiled princess. The world doesn't revolve around your fucking little crown and wishes. Get off your pedestal, or I'm going to knock you off it. You are the most selfish person. I am so enraged right now I want to cry, scream, throw things, and break walls. You are the only person in my entire life that has made me this angry. You are the only person that I have actually gotten physical because I was so enraged. I kicked a wall because of you. I have almost ripped out so much of my hair, because of you. Everything I have ever done in rage that was uncontrollable, was because of you. You make me so mad I cant contain it. Grow. The. Fuck. Up. I wish with ever fiber in my body I could punch you in the face and take you down a notch. The world is not about you and if you keep thinking this way, someone will end up doing something about it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK! It's that rage that actually feels like it's bubbling....I HATE YOUR SPOILED ASS!!!! GET OVER IT!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
awkward chicken dance man
So I work tomorrow at 8...am. Not too impressed considering I forgot about it until after I had planned a night out with the girls, and Kalen. :/ Not so happy. But I am home again, and I will sleep tonight. Early.
I noticed something today. I haven't stepped foot in my apartment for a week...
An entire week. I couldn't figure out why until tonight. It is fine there, not super cold, and my bed is there along with my cloths. I figured out why tonight however. It occured to me when I decided since I wasn't sick anymore I should go home. In my mind I was ready, but in my gut I was not. All I could think about was how whenever I walked through the door all I felt was the cold, stale air engulfing me. It doesn't feel like home, it doesn't make me happy when I walk in anymore. As much as I don't like my parents, I just want to come back. It's warm there, I am not alone there. I do not think about his lips on my skin or his arms wrapped around my waist while sleeping every night. It feels like it did when he had his own apartment, which will only prolong my problem, but it soothes me. I can wrap a pillow up in his sweater, close my eyes and feel his breath again upon my neck. I adore him, and I cant handle being in our home alone without him. All he does is work his ass off to save money so he can buy a car and get a place for us to stay so I can come back with him. He is working so hard to get me there, so hard. I feel weak compared to him. He cries at night, he misses me, but he works so hard. He continues his life and he strives to do his best. I need to do that. I need to stop being depressed, and just get my ass in gear to save money for him! I want to move back home. I don't want to be the loser that moves back home, but I need to. For him. I will do anything for him. I will sell my bass! Yes! Yes. I love it, but I need to. I never use it. It will be for him. <3 For my Bradley.
I went to school today. It was pretty interesting. I was not feeling up to par for working, so I called in. I talked to Mr. Gogol about my idea, and he agreed. I'm happy. It will be the best thing to see his face when I show him the picture! <3 <3 <3 <3 I also went to writing class again! I am so going to post my awkward man description. :D It was amazing. You will all get a great giggle out of it! Oh, and Brad and I had a fight. But we're good again. I got mad...and he apologized. :)
So. I have a question for all of you out there. Firsts; which do you remember most vividly? I remember with the most detail the first time I saw my mother cry, my boyfriend cry, and my father cry. I guess those are the things that get to me most. I also remember the first time I ever slept with Brad...haha. Not that way...I'm meaning over night. It was very cute, I adore him. Rawr! Bed!
Peeeeeace!
I noticed something today. I haven't stepped foot in my apartment for a week...
An entire week. I couldn't figure out why until tonight. It is fine there, not super cold, and my bed is there along with my cloths. I figured out why tonight however. It occured to me when I decided since I wasn't sick anymore I should go home. In my mind I was ready, but in my gut I was not. All I could think about was how whenever I walked through the door all I felt was the cold, stale air engulfing me. It doesn't feel like home, it doesn't make me happy when I walk in anymore. As much as I don't like my parents, I just want to come back. It's warm there, I am not alone there. I do not think about his lips on my skin or his arms wrapped around my waist while sleeping every night. It feels like it did when he had his own apartment, which will only prolong my problem, but it soothes me. I can wrap a pillow up in his sweater, close my eyes and feel his breath again upon my neck. I adore him, and I cant handle being in our home alone without him. All he does is work his ass off to save money so he can buy a car and get a place for us to stay so I can come back with him. He is working so hard to get me there, so hard. I feel weak compared to him. He cries at night, he misses me, but he works so hard. He continues his life and he strives to do his best. I need to do that. I need to stop being depressed, and just get my ass in gear to save money for him! I want to move back home. I don't want to be the loser that moves back home, but I need to. For him. I will do anything for him. I will sell my bass! Yes! Yes. I love it, but I need to. I never use it. It will be for him. <3 For my Bradley.
I went to school today. It was pretty interesting. I was not feeling up to par for working, so I called in. I talked to Mr. Gogol about my idea, and he agreed. I'm happy. It will be the best thing to see his face when I show him the picture! <3 <3 <3 <3 I also went to writing class again! I am so going to post my awkward man description. :D It was amazing. You will all get a great giggle out of it! Oh, and Brad and I had a fight. But we're good again. I got mad...and he apologized. :)
So. I have a question for all of you out there. Firsts; which do you remember most vividly? I remember with the most detail the first time I saw my mother cry, my boyfriend cry, and my father cry. I guess those are the things that get to me most. I also remember the first time I ever slept with Brad...haha. Not that way...I'm meaning over night. It was very cute, I adore him. Rawr! Bed!
Peeeeeace!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Cherry fingernails.
Going to work.
Four hours...can't take a full 8 today. Even if I should. Id pass out.
Soooooo....off I go!
I really wish Ontario people were smarter...stupid people making my baby mad. >:(
Four hours...can't take a full 8 today. Even if I should. Id pass out.
Soooooo....off I go!
I really wish Ontario people were smarter...stupid people making my baby mad. >:(
Monday, October 26, 2009
Connected.
[[Should be edited if it's going to be anything more than a post...]]
I cried today for you.
Because you couldn't hold my hand at the doctors.
Or laugh at Kiera's expression when I went through drive thru with my doctor's note.
You couldn't whine because I wouldn't pick a gorie enough movie.
Or kiss me on the forehead while I was sleeping, because you were weird like that.
I cried driving home today for you.
Because I bought a mug especially for you, but I couldn't see your smile.
Because I couldn't kiss you good bye when I left the house.
Or give you a giant hug when I saw you.
Because You couldn't complain about my amazing driving.
I cried waking up today for you.
Because I couldn't hear your laugh, or see you do a little jig.
Because you couldn't see my sister's face when she read the text for her birthday you sent.
She was so happy...
I cried for you today.
Because we couldn't walk through the mall holding hands.
You couldn't whisper in my ear how much you don't deserve me when clearly you do.
You deserve the best that I can give you.
I hate crying for you.
I cant help it.
Even if you're not in my arms, you're in my heart.
I cried today for you.
Because I couldn't mock you about having a vanilla raboose tea latte.
Or see you run across the house in your boxers whimpering about cold floors.
But mostly I cried,
Because you're not here.
Who's going to hold me when the tears come tomorrow?
I cried today for you.
Because you couldn't hold my hand at the doctors.
Or laugh at Kiera's expression when I went through drive thru with my doctor's note.
You couldn't whine because I wouldn't pick a gorie enough movie.
Or kiss me on the forehead while I was sleeping, because you were weird like that.
I cried driving home today for you.
Because I bought a mug especially for you, but I couldn't see your smile.
Because I couldn't kiss you good bye when I left the house.
Or give you a giant hug when I saw you.
Because You couldn't complain about my amazing driving.
I cried waking up today for you.
Because I couldn't hear your laugh, or see you do a little jig.
Because you couldn't see my sister's face when she read the text for her birthday you sent.
She was so happy...
I cried for you today.
Because we couldn't walk through the mall holding hands.
You couldn't whisper in my ear how much you don't deserve me when clearly you do.
You deserve the best that I can give you.
I hate crying for you.
I cant help it.
Even if you're not in my arms, you're in my heart.
I cried today for you.
Because I couldn't mock you about having a vanilla raboose tea latte.
Or see you run across the house in your boxers whimpering about cold floors.
But mostly I cried,
Because you're not here.
Who's going to hold me when the tears come tomorrow?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tu Sais Cest Necessaire Love
You really hurt my feelings. What you said was not "reality", it was rude. What friend would say that to another? You dont realize the pain she put me through, and you dont know the whole story. I dont have to explain myself to you. I have every right to feel how I do without being told I am being immature about it. That is all.
So, I went to a hockey game today. Not lots of fun. I really dont like it because of the fans. It's unfair and bias. The other team scores, everyone either boos or there is no noise. The home team scores, there are buzzers, music, yelling, everything. I dont think it's fair. Sports are supposed to have sportsmanship! How is it sportsmanly to boo when the other team wins, scores, or anything? The entire game the best player was on the opposite team and nobody at all cheered for that person when it was announced. So rude. They worked so hard, and played so well and no one cared. I found it rude, and it really turns me off sports. But anyways, at the game I went to the bathroom and as I was coming out and going to my seat my phone ran. :D It was Bradley! My heart actually skipped a beat. :) I was confused because it still cost him long distance to call me, but he did. Why? Because he couldnt wait any longer to hear my voice. We talked for about 20 minutes, it felt so good. To hear him laugh, and just speak. I miss it so much. I almost cried. There was one part that was so funny. :) I said "You know, Brad, you should, um, get on a plane. And come see me." :D :D :D He laughed and said " No, you get on a plane and come see me." He wants me there so bad....ugh. I want to be there so much. I miss him like mad crazy.
I hate this distance with ever fiber of my being. I want to walk into my house and see him waiting for me. All snuggled up in bed with his sweater on and the blanket up to his neck with just his head and fingers poking out. :) So adorable. I want him. :(
So, I went to a hockey game today. Not lots of fun. I really dont like it because of the fans. It's unfair and bias. The other team scores, everyone either boos or there is no noise. The home team scores, there are buzzers, music, yelling, everything. I dont think it's fair. Sports are supposed to have sportsmanship! How is it sportsmanly to boo when the other team wins, scores, or anything? The entire game the best player was on the opposite team and nobody at all cheered for that person when it was announced. So rude. They worked so hard, and played so well and no one cared. I found it rude, and it really turns me off sports. But anyways, at the game I went to the bathroom and as I was coming out and going to my seat my phone ran. :D It was Bradley! My heart actually skipped a beat. :) I was confused because it still cost him long distance to call me, but he did. Why? Because he couldnt wait any longer to hear my voice. We talked for about 20 minutes, it felt so good. To hear him laugh, and just speak. I miss it so much. I almost cried. There was one part that was so funny. :) I said "You know, Brad, you should, um, get on a plane. And come see me." :D :D :D He laughed and said " No, you get on a plane and come see me." He wants me there so bad....ugh. I want to be there so much. I miss him like mad crazy.
I hate this distance with ever fiber of my being. I want to walk into my house and see him waiting for me. All snuggled up in bed with his sweater on and the blanket up to his neck with just his head and fingers poking out. :) So adorable. I want him. :(
F.U.J.C.
FUCK YOU WHORE! YOU CONTINUE TO RUIN MY MOODS! GO THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AWAY!
.....UGHHHH!!!!!
.....UGHHHH!!!!!
Three gays and a diva.
Time to update.
Been trying to listen to music to get my mind off my loss, sometimes it works. It really sucks when songs come on that remind me 100% of him, or myself. Im listening to Stand right now, and it sucks. Not the song, I love the song. It sucks how true it is. Every time I think about him, about my life, about the things wrong, I feel like that candle. It is so hard to stay glowing when so much crap is thrown at you. Just like my mother. We have both had so much thrown at us, nothing is ever right. When things get right, the only thing we can say about it is "something is about to go wrong". We take so much, but we just grit our teeth and push forward. Like we are walking through a storm. I always think I am never given more than I can handle, but I really wonder. Why is it that I keep getting one shit show after another? I just get through something very hard for me to deal with, and then something else comes! Why? So many people have such an easy road of life to walk down, why is my full of pot holes and tree branches? I just think the road is clear, and bam, I've fallen on my face. I really dont understand. What makes it so I get this, and others dont? I feel fragile, but I know I'm not. I'm that gritty piece of meat dogs knaw on, so is my mother. We are tough, but we are still tried to be ripped apart. I really dislike being so strong. I wish I could just give in, and I'm sure I've talked about this before. I wish I could just give in, quit fighting, just accept life as is. Why do I insist on trying, pushing, tearing and fighting for something better, when I will only get my face snuffed by fate's foot? I confuse myself.
I have been hanging out with Kalen a lot lately, but not for that reason. It feels that hanging out with him dulls the pain of Brad being gone. He is there with me at work, and during the day and when it's late. I dont feel alone when he is there. And because of that, I dont ache inside. My mind, for those moments, are off of how much I crave for my Bradley. How much I want to feel his arms around me and his gentle kiss. Fuck. People say this is supposed to help me, but it always just makes me cry. I've tried to keep him being gone out of my mind, I try and distract myself. I try and act normal so hard. Does him being gone effect my normality? Have I changed? Is that piece of me I gave to him, gone? I really feel it is. I feel that piece is with him, and I wont ever get it back until he comes back. I was talking to him today, like I always do, and it made me smile. I mentioned to him how I regretted letting him go. How I wished I would have asked him to go...or would have gone with him. I know he wouldnt have stayed, but I regret with every fiber of my being not going with him. Every day I imagine how it would have been, every day. Every night, every afternoon, every hour. It was my biggest mistake. I am here, going crazy without him. I mentioned it to him. He said what I thought he would have, no. No he wouldnt have stayed. But after that...he said he wished I went with him. That he is going crazy without me, and that the seat next to him should have had me in it. He wishes that every day I would have come with him. It's ridiculous. I was that person who changed his mind, and I couldnt see it. He refused the idea of marriage, kids, a long term relationship. He didn't want to be with someone as they aged and changed. When he left, he said he wanted to be with me, for good. He said if I was pregnant, he would come back. He would pay for everything I needed until he could come back and bring me back with him. Not kill himself, run away, or leave me. He would stay. He would spend every penny he could on me. I changed that, but I couldn't see. I was so blinded by being hurt later on that I just let him go. You know that song...what hurts the most? Yeah. It's like my life right now. It kills me to walk into a room with friends we both had, and I'm alone. They ask me how it's been since he left and it takes so much in me not to cry. I cant even listen to the freaking song without crying. It's lame, in that sense I feel so weak. I cant even listen to a song, but I can spend night after night without his arms around me....but the fucking song makes me cry. I dont understand myself. Why do I not cry walking into our old house, see his shoes on the floor, know he wasnt coming back; but I can for a fucking song. I dont understand anything. So, he likes his job and everything there. It's all lining into place for him. I'm happy for him, I just feel awful because...fuck! It's really like we were meant to be together longer, and this move fucked it up! I cant get enough of him, and his love. I really should have gone with him.
So I'm pretty much a little piggy. Gots me the swine flu, awesome right? I thought so. Couldn't work or anything. Got my sister's birthday present though. :D Spent 2 and a half hours rumaging through Toys - R - Us with Kalen until I found something. I'm not so sure I like it...kind of wish I got something more awesome. Its a my little pony fair, with the feris wheel and giant slide...guess it's cool. Don't know if it will be good as the bike my mom got her though. I wanted to get her a skateboard or a tool kit for her, but my mother said no. :/ Lame. She loved my long board, and could ride it by herself. But whatever, my mom wants me to get her normal little girl things, when clearly she isnt normal. She is a raging tom boy, like I was. I would have liked the tools or skateboard way better. I also wanted to get her a little science kit because she really likes science now. :D Like I did. We are pretty alike, I just wish she never stole my race cars... :| I miss those cars. Oh well, she will just be happy I am there. :) I am saying in the card that it's also from Brad. :) It's cute how she misses him too. Whenever she saw him she got so excited and always ran to him. She always can judge people, and she saw how nice he was from the start...just like I did. :) He was always happy to see my little sister, I think it reminded him of his nephew. When we had my parents over for dinner, he was trying to remember how to feed his nephew, it was adorable. Ugh. We would make the cutest baby, we honestly would. :p
Just in case you're wondering, I am pretty sure I love Brad with all my heart. And baby, I've been waiting all my life to get a guy like him. He is so much better than anyone gives him credit for! He has just had such a hard life, and no guidance, that he didn't know how to express himself or know what he is actually worth. What he deserves. He deserves the absolute best he could ever get...I just wish he would realize it. He is so amazing, and so worth a love like mine. Aww...look at that...Allie is getting mushy. :p Im very excited to see him again, I'm going to blow him away!
Aww! I just found this song...by Rascal Flatts...so good. It's called "The Man in Love with You"
So good. It says if there is anything I could be, anything I wished I could be. If I could rule the kingdoms or sail the seven seas I would still be the man in love with you. :D So adorable. I feel I am that to him... or made him think that about me. Haha. I'm lame. This blog is so totally about Brad, haha.
Oh! When I was hanging with Kalen we talked for about an hour in English accents...and then we tried to stop but couldnt! xD Hooked to the accent! I found it rather hilarious. :)
That is all.
Peace. xoxo
Been trying to listen to music to get my mind off my loss, sometimes it works. It really sucks when songs come on that remind me 100% of him, or myself. Im listening to Stand right now, and it sucks. Not the song, I love the song. It sucks how true it is. Every time I think about him, about my life, about the things wrong, I feel like that candle. It is so hard to stay glowing when so much crap is thrown at you. Just like my mother. We have both had so much thrown at us, nothing is ever right. When things get right, the only thing we can say about it is "something is about to go wrong". We take so much, but we just grit our teeth and push forward. Like we are walking through a storm. I always think I am never given more than I can handle, but I really wonder. Why is it that I keep getting one shit show after another? I just get through something very hard for me to deal with, and then something else comes! Why? So many people have such an easy road of life to walk down, why is my full of pot holes and tree branches? I just think the road is clear, and bam, I've fallen on my face. I really dont understand. What makes it so I get this, and others dont? I feel fragile, but I know I'm not. I'm that gritty piece of meat dogs knaw on, so is my mother. We are tough, but we are still tried to be ripped apart. I really dislike being so strong. I wish I could just give in, and I'm sure I've talked about this before. I wish I could just give in, quit fighting, just accept life as is. Why do I insist on trying, pushing, tearing and fighting for something better, when I will only get my face snuffed by fate's foot? I confuse myself.
I have been hanging out with Kalen a lot lately, but not for that reason. It feels that hanging out with him dulls the pain of Brad being gone. He is there with me at work, and during the day and when it's late. I dont feel alone when he is there. And because of that, I dont ache inside. My mind, for those moments, are off of how much I crave for my Bradley. How much I want to feel his arms around me and his gentle kiss. Fuck. People say this is supposed to help me, but it always just makes me cry. I've tried to keep him being gone out of my mind, I try and distract myself. I try and act normal so hard. Does him being gone effect my normality? Have I changed? Is that piece of me I gave to him, gone? I really feel it is. I feel that piece is with him, and I wont ever get it back until he comes back. I was talking to him today, like I always do, and it made me smile. I mentioned to him how I regretted letting him go. How I wished I would have asked him to go...or would have gone with him. I know he wouldnt have stayed, but I regret with every fiber of my being not going with him. Every day I imagine how it would have been, every day. Every night, every afternoon, every hour. It was my biggest mistake. I am here, going crazy without him. I mentioned it to him. He said what I thought he would have, no. No he wouldnt have stayed. But after that...he said he wished I went with him. That he is going crazy without me, and that the seat next to him should have had me in it. He wishes that every day I would have come with him. It's ridiculous. I was that person who changed his mind, and I couldnt see it. He refused the idea of marriage, kids, a long term relationship. He didn't want to be with someone as they aged and changed. When he left, he said he wanted to be with me, for good. He said if I was pregnant, he would come back. He would pay for everything I needed until he could come back and bring me back with him. Not kill himself, run away, or leave me. He would stay. He would spend every penny he could on me. I changed that, but I couldn't see. I was so blinded by being hurt later on that I just let him go. You know that song...what hurts the most? Yeah. It's like my life right now. It kills me to walk into a room with friends we both had, and I'm alone. They ask me how it's been since he left and it takes so much in me not to cry. I cant even listen to the freaking song without crying. It's lame, in that sense I feel so weak. I cant even listen to a song, but I can spend night after night without his arms around me....but the fucking song makes me cry. I dont understand myself. Why do I not cry walking into our old house, see his shoes on the floor, know he wasnt coming back; but I can for a fucking song. I dont understand anything. So, he likes his job and everything there. It's all lining into place for him. I'm happy for him, I just feel awful because...fuck! It's really like we were meant to be together longer, and this move fucked it up! I cant get enough of him, and his love. I really should have gone with him.
So I'm pretty much a little piggy. Gots me the swine flu, awesome right? I thought so. Couldn't work or anything. Got my sister's birthday present though. :D Spent 2 and a half hours rumaging through Toys - R - Us with Kalen until I found something. I'm not so sure I like it...kind of wish I got something more awesome. Its a my little pony fair, with the feris wheel and giant slide...guess it's cool. Don't know if it will be good as the bike my mom got her though. I wanted to get her a skateboard or a tool kit for her, but my mother said no. :/ Lame. She loved my long board, and could ride it by herself. But whatever, my mom wants me to get her normal little girl things, when clearly she isnt normal. She is a raging tom boy, like I was. I would have liked the tools or skateboard way better. I also wanted to get her a little science kit because she really likes science now. :D Like I did. We are pretty alike, I just wish she never stole my race cars... :| I miss those cars. Oh well, she will just be happy I am there. :) I am saying in the card that it's also from Brad. :) It's cute how she misses him too. Whenever she saw him she got so excited and always ran to him. She always can judge people, and she saw how nice he was from the start...just like I did. :) He was always happy to see my little sister, I think it reminded him of his nephew. When we had my parents over for dinner, he was trying to remember how to feed his nephew, it was adorable. Ugh. We would make the cutest baby, we honestly would. :p
Just in case you're wondering, I am pretty sure I love Brad with all my heart. And baby, I've been waiting all my life to get a guy like him. He is so much better than anyone gives him credit for! He has just had such a hard life, and no guidance, that he didn't know how to express himself or know what he is actually worth. What he deserves. He deserves the absolute best he could ever get...I just wish he would realize it. He is so amazing, and so worth a love like mine. Aww...look at that...Allie is getting mushy. :p Im very excited to see him again, I'm going to blow him away!
Aww! I just found this song...by Rascal Flatts...so good. It's called "The Man in Love with You"
So good. It says if there is anything I could be, anything I wished I could be. If I could rule the kingdoms or sail the seven seas I would still be the man in love with you. :D So adorable. I feel I am that to him... or made him think that about me. Haha. I'm lame. This blog is so totally about Brad, haha.
Oh! When I was hanging with Kalen we talked for about an hour in English accents...and then we tried to stop but couldnt! xD Hooked to the accent! I found it rather hilarious. :)
That is all.
Peace. xoxo
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