Three gays and a diva.

Time to update.

Been trying to listen to music to get my mind off my loss, sometimes it works. It really sucks when songs come on that remind me 100% of him, or myself. Im listening to Stand right now, and it sucks. Not the song, I love the song. It sucks how true it is. Every time I think about him, about my life, about the things wrong, I feel like that candle. It is so hard to stay glowing when so much crap is thrown at you. Just like my mother. We have both had so much thrown at us, nothing is ever right. When things get right, the only thing we can say about it is "something is about to go wrong". We take so much, but we just grit our teeth and push forward. Like we are walking through a storm. I always think I am never given more than I can handle, but I really wonder. Why is it that I keep getting one shit show after another? I just get through something very hard for me to deal with, and then something else comes! Why? So many people have such an easy road of life to walk down, why is my full of pot holes and tree branches? I just think the road is clear, and bam, I've fallen on my face. I really dont understand. What makes it so I get this, and others dont? I feel fragile, but I know I'm not. I'm that gritty piece of meat dogs knaw on, so is my mother. We are tough, but we are still tried to be ripped apart. I really dislike being so strong. I wish I could just give in, and I'm sure I've talked about this before. I wish I could just give in, quit fighting, just accept life as is. Why do I insist on trying, pushing, tearing and fighting for something better, when I will only get my face snuffed by fate's foot? I confuse myself.

I have been hanging out with Kalen a lot lately, but not for that reason. It feels that hanging out with him dulls the pain of Brad being gone. He is there with me at work, and during the day and when it's late. I dont feel alone when he is there. And because of that, I dont ache inside. My mind, for those moments, are off of how much I crave for my Bradley. How much I want to feel his arms around me and his gentle kiss. Fuck. People say this is supposed to help me, but it always just makes me cry. I've tried to keep him being gone out of my mind, I try and distract myself. I try and act normal so hard. Does him being gone effect my normality? Have I changed? Is that piece of me I gave to him, gone? I really feel it is. I feel that piece is with him, and I wont ever get it back until he comes back. I was talking to him today, like I always do, and it made me smile. I mentioned to him how I regretted letting him go. How I wished I would have asked him to go...or would have gone with him. I know he wouldnt have stayed, but I regret with every fiber of my being not going with him. Every day I imagine how it would have been, every day. Every night, every afternoon, every hour. It was my biggest mistake. I am here, going crazy without him. I mentioned it to him. He said what I thought he would have, no. No he wouldnt have stayed. But after that...he said he wished I went with him. That he is going crazy without me, and that the seat next to him should have had me in it. He wishes that every day I would have come with him. It's ridiculous. I was that person who changed his mind, and I couldnt see it. He refused the idea of marriage, kids, a long term relationship. He didn't want to be with someone as they aged and changed. When he left, he said he wanted to be with me, for good. He said if I was pregnant, he would come back. He would pay for everything I needed until he could come back and bring me back with him. Not kill himself, run away, or leave me. He would stay. He would spend every penny he could on me. I changed that, but I couldn't see. I was so blinded by being hurt later on that I just let him go. You know that song...what hurts the most? Yeah. It's like my life right now. It kills me to walk into a room with friends we both had, and I'm alone. They ask me how it's been since he left and it takes so much in me not to cry. I cant even listen to the freaking song without crying. It's lame, in that sense I feel so weak. I cant even listen to a song, but I can spend night after night without his arms around me....but the fucking song makes me cry. I dont understand myself. Why do I not cry walking into our old house, see his shoes on the floor, know he wasnt coming back; but I can for a fucking song. I dont understand anything. So, he likes his job and everything there. It's all lining into place for him. I'm happy for him, I just feel awful because...fuck! It's really like we were meant to be together longer, and this move fucked it up! I cant get enough of him, and his love. I really should have gone with him.

So I'm pretty much a little piggy. Gots me the swine flu, awesome right? I thought so. Couldn't work or anything. Got my sister's birthday present though. :D Spent 2 and a half hours rumaging through Toys - R - Us with Kalen until I found something. I'm not so sure I like it...kind of wish I got something more awesome. Its a my little pony fair, with the feris wheel and giant slide...guess it's cool. Don't know if it will be good as the bike my mom got her though. I wanted to get her a skateboard or a tool kit for her, but my mother said no. :/ Lame. She loved my long board, and could ride it by herself. But whatever, my mom wants me to get her normal little girl things, when clearly she isnt normal. She is a raging tom boy, like I was. I would have liked the tools or skateboard way better. I also wanted to get her a little science kit because she really likes science now. :D Like I did. We are pretty alike, I just wish she never stole my race cars... :| I miss those cars. Oh well, she will just be happy I am there. :) I am saying in the card that it's also from Brad. :) It's cute how she misses him too. Whenever she saw him she got so excited and always ran to him. She always can judge people, and she saw how nice he was from the start...just like I did. :) He was always happy to see my little sister, I think it reminded him of his nephew. When we had my parents over for dinner, he was trying to remember how to feed his nephew, it was adorable. Ugh. We would make the cutest baby, we honestly would. :p

Just in case you're wondering, I am pretty sure I love Brad with all my heart. And baby, I've been waiting all my life to get a guy like him. He is so much better than anyone gives him credit for! He has just had such a hard life, and no guidance, that he didn't know how to express himself or know what he is actually worth. What he deserves. He deserves the absolute best he could ever get...I just wish he would realize it. He is so amazing, and so worth a love like mine. Aww...look at that...Allie is getting mushy. :p Im very excited to see him again, I'm going to blow him away!
Aww! I just found this song...by Rascal Flatts...so good. It's called "The Man in Love with You"
So good. It says if there is anything I could be, anything I wished I could be. If I could rule the kingdoms or sail the seven seas I would still be the man in love with you. :D So adorable. I feel I am that to him... or made him think that about me. Haha. I'm lame. This blog is so totally about Brad, haha.

Oh! When I was hanging with Kalen we talked for about an hour in English accents...and then we tried to stop but couldnt! xD Hooked to the accent! I found it rather hilarious. :)

That is all.
Peace. xoxo