Going to work.
Four hours...can't take a full 8 today. Even if I should. Id pass out.
Soooooo....off I go!
I really wish Ontario people were smarter...stupid people making my baby mad. >:(
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Connected.
[[Should be edited if it's going to be anything more than a post...]]
I cried today for you.
Because you couldn't hold my hand at the doctors.
Or laugh at Kiera's expression when I went through drive thru with my doctor's note.
You couldn't whine because I wouldn't pick a gorie enough movie.
Or kiss me on the forehead while I was sleeping, because you were weird like that.
I cried driving home today for you.
Because I bought a mug especially for you, but I couldn't see your smile.
Because I couldn't kiss you good bye when I left the house.
Or give you a giant hug when I saw you.
Because You couldn't complain about my amazing driving.
I cried waking up today for you.
Because I couldn't hear your laugh, or see you do a little jig.
Because you couldn't see my sister's face when she read the text for her birthday you sent.
She was so happy...
I cried for you today.
Because we couldn't walk through the mall holding hands.
You couldn't whisper in my ear how much you don't deserve me when clearly you do.
You deserve the best that I can give you.
I hate crying for you.
I cant help it.
Even if you're not in my arms, you're in my heart.
I cried today for you.
Because I couldn't mock you about having a vanilla raboose tea latte.
Or see you run across the house in your boxers whimpering about cold floors.
But mostly I cried,
Because you're not here.
Who's going to hold me when the tears come tomorrow?
I cried today for you.
Because you couldn't hold my hand at the doctors.
Or laugh at Kiera's expression when I went through drive thru with my doctor's note.
You couldn't whine because I wouldn't pick a gorie enough movie.
Or kiss me on the forehead while I was sleeping, because you were weird like that.
I cried driving home today for you.
Because I bought a mug especially for you, but I couldn't see your smile.
Because I couldn't kiss you good bye when I left the house.
Or give you a giant hug when I saw you.
Because You couldn't complain about my amazing driving.
I cried waking up today for you.
Because I couldn't hear your laugh, or see you do a little jig.
Because you couldn't see my sister's face when she read the text for her birthday you sent.
She was so happy...
I cried for you today.
Because we couldn't walk through the mall holding hands.
You couldn't whisper in my ear how much you don't deserve me when clearly you do.
You deserve the best that I can give you.
I hate crying for you.
I cant help it.
Even if you're not in my arms, you're in my heart.
I cried today for you.
Because I couldn't mock you about having a vanilla raboose tea latte.
Or see you run across the house in your boxers whimpering about cold floors.
But mostly I cried,
Because you're not here.
Who's going to hold me when the tears come tomorrow?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tu Sais Cest Necessaire Love
You really hurt my feelings. What you said was not "reality", it was rude. What friend would say that to another? You dont realize the pain she put me through, and you dont know the whole story. I dont have to explain myself to you. I have every right to feel how I do without being told I am being immature about it. That is all.
So, I went to a hockey game today. Not lots of fun. I really dont like it because of the fans. It's unfair and bias. The other team scores, everyone either boos or there is no noise. The home team scores, there are buzzers, music, yelling, everything. I dont think it's fair. Sports are supposed to have sportsmanship! How is it sportsmanly to boo when the other team wins, scores, or anything? The entire game the best player was on the opposite team and nobody at all cheered for that person when it was announced. So rude. They worked so hard, and played so well and no one cared. I found it rude, and it really turns me off sports. But anyways, at the game I went to the bathroom and as I was coming out and going to my seat my phone ran. :D It was Bradley! My heart actually skipped a beat. :) I was confused because it still cost him long distance to call me, but he did. Why? Because he couldnt wait any longer to hear my voice. We talked for about 20 minutes, it felt so good. To hear him laugh, and just speak. I miss it so much. I almost cried. There was one part that was so funny. :) I said "You know, Brad, you should, um, get on a plane. And come see me." :D :D :D He laughed and said " No, you get on a plane and come see me." He wants me there so bad....ugh. I want to be there so much. I miss him like mad crazy.
I hate this distance with ever fiber of my being. I want to walk into my house and see him waiting for me. All snuggled up in bed with his sweater on and the blanket up to his neck with just his head and fingers poking out. :) So adorable. I want him. :(
So, I went to a hockey game today. Not lots of fun. I really dont like it because of the fans. It's unfair and bias. The other team scores, everyone either boos or there is no noise. The home team scores, there are buzzers, music, yelling, everything. I dont think it's fair. Sports are supposed to have sportsmanship! How is it sportsmanly to boo when the other team wins, scores, or anything? The entire game the best player was on the opposite team and nobody at all cheered for that person when it was announced. So rude. They worked so hard, and played so well and no one cared. I found it rude, and it really turns me off sports. But anyways, at the game I went to the bathroom and as I was coming out and going to my seat my phone ran. :D It was Bradley! My heart actually skipped a beat. :) I was confused because it still cost him long distance to call me, but he did. Why? Because he couldnt wait any longer to hear my voice. We talked for about 20 minutes, it felt so good. To hear him laugh, and just speak. I miss it so much. I almost cried. There was one part that was so funny. :) I said "You know, Brad, you should, um, get on a plane. And come see me." :D :D :D He laughed and said " No, you get on a plane and come see me." He wants me there so bad....ugh. I want to be there so much. I miss him like mad crazy.
I hate this distance with ever fiber of my being. I want to walk into my house and see him waiting for me. All snuggled up in bed with his sweater on and the blanket up to his neck with just his head and fingers poking out. :) So adorable. I want him. :(
F.U.J.C.
FUCK YOU WHORE! YOU CONTINUE TO RUIN MY MOODS! GO THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AWAY!
.....UGHHHH!!!!!
.....UGHHHH!!!!!
Three gays and a diva.
Time to update.
Been trying to listen to music to get my mind off my loss, sometimes it works. It really sucks when songs come on that remind me 100% of him, or myself. Im listening to Stand right now, and it sucks. Not the song, I love the song. It sucks how true it is. Every time I think about him, about my life, about the things wrong, I feel like that candle. It is so hard to stay glowing when so much crap is thrown at you. Just like my mother. We have both had so much thrown at us, nothing is ever right. When things get right, the only thing we can say about it is "something is about to go wrong". We take so much, but we just grit our teeth and push forward. Like we are walking through a storm. I always think I am never given more than I can handle, but I really wonder. Why is it that I keep getting one shit show after another? I just get through something very hard for me to deal with, and then something else comes! Why? So many people have such an easy road of life to walk down, why is my full of pot holes and tree branches? I just think the road is clear, and bam, I've fallen on my face. I really dont understand. What makes it so I get this, and others dont? I feel fragile, but I know I'm not. I'm that gritty piece of meat dogs knaw on, so is my mother. We are tough, but we are still tried to be ripped apart. I really dislike being so strong. I wish I could just give in, and I'm sure I've talked about this before. I wish I could just give in, quit fighting, just accept life as is. Why do I insist on trying, pushing, tearing and fighting for something better, when I will only get my face snuffed by fate's foot? I confuse myself.
I have been hanging out with Kalen a lot lately, but not for that reason. It feels that hanging out with him dulls the pain of Brad being gone. He is there with me at work, and during the day and when it's late. I dont feel alone when he is there. And because of that, I dont ache inside. My mind, for those moments, are off of how much I crave for my Bradley. How much I want to feel his arms around me and his gentle kiss. Fuck. People say this is supposed to help me, but it always just makes me cry. I've tried to keep him being gone out of my mind, I try and distract myself. I try and act normal so hard. Does him being gone effect my normality? Have I changed? Is that piece of me I gave to him, gone? I really feel it is. I feel that piece is with him, and I wont ever get it back until he comes back. I was talking to him today, like I always do, and it made me smile. I mentioned to him how I regretted letting him go. How I wished I would have asked him to go...or would have gone with him. I know he wouldnt have stayed, but I regret with every fiber of my being not going with him. Every day I imagine how it would have been, every day. Every night, every afternoon, every hour. It was my biggest mistake. I am here, going crazy without him. I mentioned it to him. He said what I thought he would have, no. No he wouldnt have stayed. But after that...he said he wished I went with him. That he is going crazy without me, and that the seat next to him should have had me in it. He wishes that every day I would have come with him. It's ridiculous. I was that person who changed his mind, and I couldnt see it. He refused the idea of marriage, kids, a long term relationship. He didn't want to be with someone as they aged and changed. When he left, he said he wanted to be with me, for good. He said if I was pregnant, he would come back. He would pay for everything I needed until he could come back and bring me back with him. Not kill himself, run away, or leave me. He would stay. He would spend every penny he could on me. I changed that, but I couldn't see. I was so blinded by being hurt later on that I just let him go. You know that song...what hurts the most? Yeah. It's like my life right now. It kills me to walk into a room with friends we both had, and I'm alone. They ask me how it's been since he left and it takes so much in me not to cry. I cant even listen to the freaking song without crying. It's lame, in that sense I feel so weak. I cant even listen to a song, but I can spend night after night without his arms around me....but the fucking song makes me cry. I dont understand myself. Why do I not cry walking into our old house, see his shoes on the floor, know he wasnt coming back; but I can for a fucking song. I dont understand anything. So, he likes his job and everything there. It's all lining into place for him. I'm happy for him, I just feel awful because...fuck! It's really like we were meant to be together longer, and this move fucked it up! I cant get enough of him, and his love. I really should have gone with him.
So I'm pretty much a little piggy. Gots me the swine flu, awesome right? I thought so. Couldn't work or anything. Got my sister's birthday present though. :D Spent 2 and a half hours rumaging through Toys - R - Us with Kalen until I found something. I'm not so sure I like it...kind of wish I got something more awesome. Its a my little pony fair, with the feris wheel and giant slide...guess it's cool. Don't know if it will be good as the bike my mom got her though. I wanted to get her a skateboard or a tool kit for her, but my mother said no. :/ Lame. She loved my long board, and could ride it by herself. But whatever, my mom wants me to get her normal little girl things, when clearly she isnt normal. She is a raging tom boy, like I was. I would have liked the tools or skateboard way better. I also wanted to get her a little science kit because she really likes science now. :D Like I did. We are pretty alike, I just wish she never stole my race cars... :| I miss those cars. Oh well, she will just be happy I am there. :) I am saying in the card that it's also from Brad. :) It's cute how she misses him too. Whenever she saw him she got so excited and always ran to him. She always can judge people, and she saw how nice he was from the start...just like I did. :) He was always happy to see my little sister, I think it reminded him of his nephew. When we had my parents over for dinner, he was trying to remember how to feed his nephew, it was adorable. Ugh. We would make the cutest baby, we honestly would. :p
Just in case you're wondering, I am pretty sure I love Brad with all my heart. And baby, I've been waiting all my life to get a guy like him. He is so much better than anyone gives him credit for! He has just had such a hard life, and no guidance, that he didn't know how to express himself or know what he is actually worth. What he deserves. He deserves the absolute best he could ever get...I just wish he would realize it. He is so amazing, and so worth a love like mine. Aww...look at that...Allie is getting mushy. :p Im very excited to see him again, I'm going to blow him away!
Aww! I just found this song...by Rascal Flatts...so good. It's called "The Man in Love with You"
So good. It says if there is anything I could be, anything I wished I could be. If I could rule the kingdoms or sail the seven seas I would still be the man in love with you. :D So adorable. I feel I am that to him... or made him think that about me. Haha. I'm lame. This blog is so totally about Brad, haha.
Oh! When I was hanging with Kalen we talked for about an hour in English accents...and then we tried to stop but couldnt! xD Hooked to the accent! I found it rather hilarious. :)
That is all.
Peace. xoxo
Been trying to listen to music to get my mind off my loss, sometimes it works. It really sucks when songs come on that remind me 100% of him, or myself. Im listening to Stand right now, and it sucks. Not the song, I love the song. It sucks how true it is. Every time I think about him, about my life, about the things wrong, I feel like that candle. It is so hard to stay glowing when so much crap is thrown at you. Just like my mother. We have both had so much thrown at us, nothing is ever right. When things get right, the only thing we can say about it is "something is about to go wrong". We take so much, but we just grit our teeth and push forward. Like we are walking through a storm. I always think I am never given more than I can handle, but I really wonder. Why is it that I keep getting one shit show after another? I just get through something very hard for me to deal with, and then something else comes! Why? So many people have such an easy road of life to walk down, why is my full of pot holes and tree branches? I just think the road is clear, and bam, I've fallen on my face. I really dont understand. What makes it so I get this, and others dont? I feel fragile, but I know I'm not. I'm that gritty piece of meat dogs knaw on, so is my mother. We are tough, but we are still tried to be ripped apart. I really dislike being so strong. I wish I could just give in, and I'm sure I've talked about this before. I wish I could just give in, quit fighting, just accept life as is. Why do I insist on trying, pushing, tearing and fighting for something better, when I will only get my face snuffed by fate's foot? I confuse myself.
I have been hanging out with Kalen a lot lately, but not for that reason. It feels that hanging out with him dulls the pain of Brad being gone. He is there with me at work, and during the day and when it's late. I dont feel alone when he is there. And because of that, I dont ache inside. My mind, for those moments, are off of how much I crave for my Bradley. How much I want to feel his arms around me and his gentle kiss. Fuck. People say this is supposed to help me, but it always just makes me cry. I've tried to keep him being gone out of my mind, I try and distract myself. I try and act normal so hard. Does him being gone effect my normality? Have I changed? Is that piece of me I gave to him, gone? I really feel it is. I feel that piece is with him, and I wont ever get it back until he comes back. I was talking to him today, like I always do, and it made me smile. I mentioned to him how I regretted letting him go. How I wished I would have asked him to go...or would have gone with him. I know he wouldnt have stayed, but I regret with every fiber of my being not going with him. Every day I imagine how it would have been, every day. Every night, every afternoon, every hour. It was my biggest mistake. I am here, going crazy without him. I mentioned it to him. He said what I thought he would have, no. No he wouldnt have stayed. But after that...he said he wished I went with him. That he is going crazy without me, and that the seat next to him should have had me in it. He wishes that every day I would have come with him. It's ridiculous. I was that person who changed his mind, and I couldnt see it. He refused the idea of marriage, kids, a long term relationship. He didn't want to be with someone as they aged and changed. When he left, he said he wanted to be with me, for good. He said if I was pregnant, he would come back. He would pay for everything I needed until he could come back and bring me back with him. Not kill himself, run away, or leave me. He would stay. He would spend every penny he could on me. I changed that, but I couldn't see. I was so blinded by being hurt later on that I just let him go. You know that song...what hurts the most? Yeah. It's like my life right now. It kills me to walk into a room with friends we both had, and I'm alone. They ask me how it's been since he left and it takes so much in me not to cry. I cant even listen to the freaking song without crying. It's lame, in that sense I feel so weak. I cant even listen to a song, but I can spend night after night without his arms around me....but the fucking song makes me cry. I dont understand myself. Why do I not cry walking into our old house, see his shoes on the floor, know he wasnt coming back; but I can for a fucking song. I dont understand anything. So, he likes his job and everything there. It's all lining into place for him. I'm happy for him, I just feel awful because...fuck! It's really like we were meant to be together longer, and this move fucked it up! I cant get enough of him, and his love. I really should have gone with him.
So I'm pretty much a little piggy. Gots me the swine flu, awesome right? I thought so. Couldn't work or anything. Got my sister's birthday present though. :D Spent 2 and a half hours rumaging through Toys - R - Us with Kalen until I found something. I'm not so sure I like it...kind of wish I got something more awesome. Its a my little pony fair, with the feris wheel and giant slide...guess it's cool. Don't know if it will be good as the bike my mom got her though. I wanted to get her a skateboard or a tool kit for her, but my mother said no. :/ Lame. She loved my long board, and could ride it by herself. But whatever, my mom wants me to get her normal little girl things, when clearly she isnt normal. She is a raging tom boy, like I was. I would have liked the tools or skateboard way better. I also wanted to get her a little science kit because she really likes science now. :D Like I did. We are pretty alike, I just wish she never stole my race cars... :| I miss those cars. Oh well, she will just be happy I am there. :) I am saying in the card that it's also from Brad. :) It's cute how she misses him too. Whenever she saw him she got so excited and always ran to him. She always can judge people, and she saw how nice he was from the start...just like I did. :) He was always happy to see my little sister, I think it reminded him of his nephew. When we had my parents over for dinner, he was trying to remember how to feed his nephew, it was adorable. Ugh. We would make the cutest baby, we honestly would. :p
Just in case you're wondering, I am pretty sure I love Brad with all my heart. And baby, I've been waiting all my life to get a guy like him. He is so much better than anyone gives him credit for! He has just had such a hard life, and no guidance, that he didn't know how to express himself or know what he is actually worth. What he deserves. He deserves the absolute best he could ever get...I just wish he would realize it. He is so amazing, and so worth a love like mine. Aww...look at that...Allie is getting mushy. :p Im very excited to see him again, I'm going to blow him away!
Aww! I just found this song...by Rascal Flatts...so good. It's called "The Man in Love with You"
So good. It says if there is anything I could be, anything I wished I could be. If I could rule the kingdoms or sail the seven seas I would still be the man in love with you. :D So adorable. I feel I am that to him... or made him think that about me. Haha. I'm lame. This blog is so totally about Brad, haha.
Oh! When I was hanging with Kalen we talked for about an hour in English accents...and then we tried to stop but couldnt! xD Hooked to the accent! I found it rather hilarious. :)
That is all.
Peace. xoxo
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Red head, bed head.
It's been a few days. Figure I should update. I kind of like this idea, because then people I dont see very often can still feel updated in my life. :) Not out of the loop!
So today .... sucked.
Started off waking up at 8, which is good because I need to start waking up earlier. However, it sucked. I work at 2, and my throat was very soar. Scratchy. My head seemed like it was about to explode. So, I got all ready for work at around 12. Showered, did the hair, the usual. I figured if I went in early and had some tea it would all be better. :) Wrong. It wasn't better, and it wouldn't for the rest of the night. I have to work tomorrow at 9 am. Shift verification. Blah. So...I thought maybe if I did well that night I could leave early so I could sleep and be well rested for tomorrow. Verdict? Nope. My retard of a boss was there and she had to close. So, of course I couldn't leave. She does nothing so sick little me had to stay. I am serving food...I shouldn't be there! Management sucks ASS! Everything is great about it normally, only you still have to work when you are sick. D: LAME! I swear I was tricked into this position. It's so bad. I feel like Chris now, I understand how he feels. I talked to him about it tonight, why he has started to care less and less for his job. He is pushed to do so much but he is never recognized for it. Im pretty sure I am going to get treated the same way, and I am not up for that. I really am upset at how my boss thinks that by promoting me will stop me from moving away, or getting another job. Screw that. Whether I am a manager or not has no difference on if I move or not. I am going on vacation for over a month, and I am going to leave in a few months. The management is very nice of my record....but that's all I am one for. I would much rather just stay crew honestly. Other than the pay increase also.. :)
I also found out tonight that my boss has never worked at another job. McDonald's is the only job she has ever had. I have already had at least 4 jobs.
Also speaking of work; I pretty much broke down for the first time and cried at work. I haven't done this yet, and I've been able to hold it together. But today it seemed to be too much. What made me madder about it, was that people talked to me like I need to just "suck it up" and be strong. Fuck you. Honestly. You have no idea what I have delt with in my life, what I have gone through, what I have felt. You dont realize how strong I actually am, how much of a rock I am. I am very emotional, and I get hurt. But the amount I can actually hold within my heart and my head without breaking is emense. I hate being talked down to like that, especially by someone who clearly has not gone through anything to the extent I have. I never talk about what I have gone through to people to make them respect me or think higher of me. Not once have I used my experiences to get pity from people. I feel that is stupid, degrading, and childish to do such things. I will just take what I experience to heart and learn from it. Don't you dare look me in the eye and tell me to "suck it up buttercup." Like I am some spoiled child who just lost my allowance. It pisses me off. I am so strong and can hold so much in, take so much of a beating in life. It's ridiculous. I wouldn't be giving this chance to grow, and to understand the true pain and loss it is to have the one I love leave me, if I couldn't handle it. That is my view. If I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't be giving to me to deal with. Im just so tired of being belittled like that. I am a force to be reckoned with.
Oh right! Why I cried. :)
Everything at work was going relatively well. I had a nice laugh when I came into work today and found Kalen in a crew uniform...plus hat. :p He forgot his managers shirt...so it was great fun. We all got a good chuckle out of it. But as time went on, he made this joke. He was "cheating" on me with Kiera and I was the one that gave him sex, only I wasn't putting out so he went to her. Who was sensitive and wrote him poems and they were planning to get a tattoo together. I knew it was perfectly pinpointed at myself and Brad. Pissed me off a lot and I didnt talk to him after that. It really hurt, and then after that I got a text from Brad. He was explaining his day and such, normal text. Then at the end he said oh! I forgot! and since the text wouldn't hold more I waiting for the next to come in. The next said that he forgot to tell me he was madly in love with me...and was going crazy without me beside him. It was the sweetest thing I have ever read from him. I was fine and could hold it together a little while, then I looked at Kalen from behind for a brief moment and thought it was Brad. I almost ran up to him and hugged him, that was when I couldn't take it anymore. Im very tired of him not being here, now with me. My heart tells me to get a credit card, buy a ticket, and go see him now. No matter what the consequences are financially. I know, however, in my head that I cant do that. I have too much here to deal with. I have my job, applications for college, my friends, my family, everything. I cant leave it now, and it tears me up inside every time I think about it. I am so stuck here, that it kills me. Kendra wouldnt be able to bear it without me. She went crazy when I left for the summer, and now that I have moved out she cries every time she sees me. I couldnt leave her, not now. Im her hero, I cant just abandon her. She's my best friend. I actually had a dream last night about Brad and myself. We had a little girl, only she wasnt born yet. He came here to get me and bring me back to Ontario. I remember vividly how I was laying on the couch and I heard him tell his sister that he wanted to be with me forever. He wanted our little girl and myself to have the best lifes possible and he was going to do everything in his power to make it so. I am pretty sure I woke up crying. :/ It's been an emotional few weeks. Sucks.
Coolest thing happened though. I am sitting here at my mom's house, and my friend brought me soup. :) Not just any ol' soup...home made amazing chicken noodle soup. <3 He is really a great guy, wish we could find him someone to cheer him up.
Im pretty sure it's past 12 and I was aiming to be in bed at 11. So.....good night!
xoxo All my love Bradley xoxo
So today .... sucked.
Started off waking up at 8, which is good because I need to start waking up earlier. However, it sucked. I work at 2, and my throat was very soar. Scratchy. My head seemed like it was about to explode. So, I got all ready for work at around 12. Showered, did the hair, the usual. I figured if I went in early and had some tea it would all be better. :) Wrong. It wasn't better, and it wouldn't for the rest of the night. I have to work tomorrow at 9 am. Shift verification. Blah. So...I thought maybe if I did well that night I could leave early so I could sleep and be well rested for tomorrow. Verdict? Nope. My retard of a boss was there and she had to close. So, of course I couldn't leave. She does nothing so sick little me had to stay. I am serving food...I shouldn't be there! Management sucks ASS! Everything is great about it normally, only you still have to work when you are sick. D: LAME! I swear I was tricked into this position. It's so bad. I feel like Chris now, I understand how he feels. I talked to him about it tonight, why he has started to care less and less for his job. He is pushed to do so much but he is never recognized for it. Im pretty sure I am going to get treated the same way, and I am not up for that. I really am upset at how my boss thinks that by promoting me will stop me from moving away, or getting another job. Screw that. Whether I am a manager or not has no difference on if I move or not. I am going on vacation for over a month, and I am going to leave in a few months. The management is very nice of my record....but that's all I am one for. I would much rather just stay crew honestly. Other than the pay increase also.. :)
I also found out tonight that my boss has never worked at another job. McDonald's is the only job she has ever had. I have already had at least 4 jobs.
Also speaking of work; I pretty much broke down for the first time and cried at work. I haven't done this yet, and I've been able to hold it together. But today it seemed to be too much. What made me madder about it, was that people talked to me like I need to just "suck it up" and be strong. Fuck you. Honestly. You have no idea what I have delt with in my life, what I have gone through, what I have felt. You dont realize how strong I actually am, how much of a rock I am. I am very emotional, and I get hurt. But the amount I can actually hold within my heart and my head without breaking is emense. I hate being talked down to like that, especially by someone who clearly has not gone through anything to the extent I have. I never talk about what I have gone through to people to make them respect me or think higher of me. Not once have I used my experiences to get pity from people. I feel that is stupid, degrading, and childish to do such things. I will just take what I experience to heart and learn from it. Don't you dare look me in the eye and tell me to "suck it up buttercup." Like I am some spoiled child who just lost my allowance. It pisses me off. I am so strong and can hold so much in, take so much of a beating in life. It's ridiculous. I wouldn't be giving this chance to grow, and to understand the true pain and loss it is to have the one I love leave me, if I couldn't handle it. That is my view. If I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't be giving to me to deal with. Im just so tired of being belittled like that. I am a force to be reckoned with.
Oh right! Why I cried. :)
Everything at work was going relatively well. I had a nice laugh when I came into work today and found Kalen in a crew uniform...plus hat. :p He forgot his managers shirt...so it was great fun. We all got a good chuckle out of it. But as time went on, he made this joke. He was "cheating" on me with Kiera and I was the one that gave him sex, only I wasn't putting out so he went to her. Who was sensitive and wrote him poems and they were planning to get a tattoo together. I knew it was perfectly pinpointed at myself and Brad. Pissed me off a lot and I didnt talk to him after that. It really hurt, and then after that I got a text from Brad. He was explaining his day and such, normal text. Then at the end he said oh! I forgot! and since the text wouldn't hold more I waiting for the next to come in. The next said that he forgot to tell me he was madly in love with me...and was going crazy without me beside him. It was the sweetest thing I have ever read from him. I was fine and could hold it together a little while, then I looked at Kalen from behind for a brief moment and thought it was Brad. I almost ran up to him and hugged him, that was when I couldn't take it anymore. Im very tired of him not being here, now with me. My heart tells me to get a credit card, buy a ticket, and go see him now. No matter what the consequences are financially. I know, however, in my head that I cant do that. I have too much here to deal with. I have my job, applications for college, my friends, my family, everything. I cant leave it now, and it tears me up inside every time I think about it. I am so stuck here, that it kills me. Kendra wouldnt be able to bear it without me. She went crazy when I left for the summer, and now that I have moved out she cries every time she sees me. I couldnt leave her, not now. Im her hero, I cant just abandon her. She's my best friend. I actually had a dream last night about Brad and myself. We had a little girl, only she wasnt born yet. He came here to get me and bring me back to Ontario. I remember vividly how I was laying on the couch and I heard him tell his sister that he wanted to be with me forever. He wanted our little girl and myself to have the best lifes possible and he was going to do everything in his power to make it so. I am pretty sure I woke up crying. :/ It's been an emotional few weeks. Sucks.
Coolest thing happened though. I am sitting here at my mom's house, and my friend brought me soup. :) Not just any ol' soup...home made amazing chicken noodle soup. <3 He is really a great guy, wish we could find him someone to cheer him up.
Im pretty sure it's past 12 and I was aiming to be in bed at 11. So.....good night!
xoxo All my love Bradley xoxo
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Nibbles....the warrior cat!
I really fucking hate bad service areas! It's taken me at least 20 minutes between texts to talk to Brad. And we both get so confused. Im so mad. Ugh.
I hate the cat when she gets her cold feet all over me.
I hate how the garbage is starting to smell because WE DONT HAVE A GARBAGE CAN!
I hate missing him.
I love how I can still hear his voice in my head.
I love how the kitty is becoming a fighter. :p
I love how comfy my bed is and how easy I can fall asleep now. :)
I really wish my room mate would clean up her stuff and put her bed away.
I really wish I went with him.
I really wish I didnt have to work at 8 tomorrow. Fuck.
I really wish I could phone where ever I wanted, for free! :D
I really wish I made more money.
I need a break.
I need a kiss.
I need a back rub.
I need a friend to vent to...without it seeming like I only talk about him.
I need to take a shower.
Peace. :)
I hate the cat when she gets her cold feet all over me.
I hate how the garbage is starting to smell because WE DONT HAVE A GARBAGE CAN!
I hate missing him.
I love how I can still hear his voice in my head.
I love how the kitty is becoming a fighter. :p
I love how comfy my bed is and how easy I can fall asleep now. :)
I really wish my room mate would clean up her stuff and put her bed away.
I really wish I went with him.
I really wish I didnt have to work at 8 tomorrow. Fuck.
I really wish I could phone where ever I wanted, for free! :D
I really wish I made more money.
I need a break.
I need a kiss.
I need a back rub.
I need a friend to vent to...without it seeming like I only talk about him.
I need to take a shower.
Peace. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)