Hazard of Hearts.

Not really sure what I am going to write about today, but here goes!

Last time I updated my writing was sometime after I returned from Seattle. That was an interesting...."trip". haha.
Well, I almost went again to Seattle last night. There was to be a big rave on Friday and an even bigger one Saturday. Was debating on going with my friend, but I decided against it. I'd have to sleep in the car. I have no problem with sleeping in a car, none at all. My problem, however, was with her boyfriend. He lives near that area, and that was why she was going. I didnt want to be there and them be together and have myself sitting awkwardly. It's what happenes. I understand that, I'd cuddle off with Brad, I'm sure. It's just the fact that he was so selfish, he is so selfish. He is a rich boy, an only child. This is his veiw of things:
He is jealous of me because my bestfriend, his girlfriend, wants to spend all the time she can with me. He is moving to Idaho, which he did for his own selfish reasons and did not even think of my friend in this plan. Now that he is leaving, he will not see her for a month until she comes to visit. He is mad that she wants to spend time with me instead of him before he moves. We both, my friend and I, find it selfish and kind of pig headed. Yeah, you'll be gone a month. But I am going to be gone for who knows how long. Honestly, I've been there for her way more and I am the one she talks to when he is being a dick. So, bugger off. I dont understand how someone can be jealous of someone's best friend...it's weird. It's a whole different connection.
Bestfriend. Boyfriend. Totally different. Each offers the other something different. It's weird, and I dont understand it. I donno, maybe I just see the world differently than other people. So, I stayed home in Cashmere, while she left for Seattle to visit her spoiled and selfish boyfriend. Whatever, it's her life, and if she cant see these things now, she will soon. I wish them the best.

I watched "Grey Owl" the other night. It's such a beautiful movie. Such a beautiful story. It's one of those real life stories. Only this one, isnt "based" on, it's to the facts. It was about Archie Grey Owl, about how he lived in the wilderness and tried to warn the world as to the harms of their "expantions." I was touched by the movie. It is the kind of thing that makes me worried about my own life. Im very scared about my future. I dont want to work at McDonalds all my life. I dont want to get into a rut and wonder why years from now. As much as I love Brad, I dont want to put my life on hold just to be with him. I want to grow, I want to expand. I want my brain to be full of knowlege and I want to do the world good. I want to travel the world, I want to see everything and know everything! Im afriad I wont ever get there. I am afraid I wont get into Ryerson, and I am afraid I will be plain. Im so afraid to be plain.

Im starting to scare myself. I talk to nothing, air. I dont have his sweater anymore, I sent that to him so he could smell it up again. I have nothing left of his and I think I am actually going crazy. If I am alone, I will pretend he is sitting with me. I will talk to him. It's not normal, and I know that. I feel it might be my way to cope with him being gone, but it is not normal in the least. It started after I tried what I did in Seattle. I feel like my brain has been changed forever. It reminded me of that guy on Hero's. How when he was on heroin he could see the future. It's to weird to explain, but that's like what happened to me. I was perfect at everything I did that night, and could do things I had never tried. It wasnt one of those "you think you can do anything" moments either, I really could. It was strange. My thoughts on the idea was the part in your brain where you constrict yourself and your full potention was gone. I felt I could do anything, and had no fear, so I could. Its complicated to talk about, Im sure I could explain it easier in person. All I know is I was blown away, and then coming down from it was one of the scariest things I've ever experianced.

It snowed today. :) Started about an hour or two ago. My dad and I sat outside on the swing and talked while watching the snow. It was pretty nice. :) We came up with things we could do in the future, and just...stuff. It was nice. So my grandpa actually does have the cancer now, and I dont know what Im going to do. Looking at his face, he looks weaker. His eyes are sinking in and such, it's scary. My grandparents are whithering away and I can do nothing to help them. I feel powerless, I feel like Anakin. They are slipping out of my fingers and I cant hold onto them hard enough so they wont go. :( It hurts. My dad wants to have the house, or, take over the payments so that when they pass it wont get sold to the bank. I dont understand why my grandpa wont agree to it. Its all very complicated I guess. I always see things as the easy way, but everyone seems to think of everything in a very complicated way. It is why I dont understand people I guess. I feel horrible though. I wanted to get into the movies because I like telling stories, and animating. But also because it is a big industry where I could make lots of money. Money I could use to help my family. I could pay off for the house in one go. I could buy my mom a house, and pay for my sisters' college funds. I could pay enough so that everyone was happy, and none of my family had to ever struggle again. I hate seeing them pinch for money to get food. I feel horrible that I couldnt get to that point before this happened. :( I feel like I have failed.

I feel like I've failed, and I feel that I am destined to be plain, average forever. I really just want a hug, but even that I cant have. :/ Such is life.