The stars lean down to kiss you, And I lay awake and miss you.

Tonight, I will fall asleep. I will keep those eyes of mine shut until Christmas morning, or until any morning. I have gotten past the waking up suddenly to see if you have arrived. I have gotten past thinking you will walk in the door. Gotten past the idea that you would happen to pop around the corner and jump to hug me. I have just taken longer than I thought I would need to. I am real big on denial, but I am over it I think. I know when I am at work, or with friends I feel miserable. I know I wont be able to go home after having a great day, and be held by you. I do, however, miss you less when I lay in bed thinking about you. It's like you're actually with me, even if you're not. I've gotten used to it, but it doesn't mean I accept it. I still crave your touch, and your smile. But I am used to it now. I feel single again, which scares me. You have been gone, only 2 months, but it feels like forever. I notice myself doing what most call flirting with my male friends. They all know I mean nothing by it, but I feel terrible. I feel like I am betraying you. Am I? Does the simple act of me being myself around other males, instead of closed and clearly taken, betraying?
I realize I need to have one standard, and not two. If you were flirtatious with your female friends while I was thousands of miles away from you, I would feel sick. How can I think it's okay if I do it? I am confused. I know you would never do anything, try anything, or pursue anything, but it still worries me. I know I never would do anything to hurt you, but I wonder if you worry. Ha. Sometimes, babe, I even think that you're using one word texts to me because you are with someone else. Someone interesting and someone you would consider being with. Someone you want to focus on, and not me. I know. It's pretty ridiculous, but I feel it. I've told you, and, clearly, it's wrong. I still worry.
I mean.
You left her for me. You wanted to still, you know, be with her. When you returned. Instead, you found me. This is different, but I worry. Black man said he thought we'd be together for a long time. That you and I, babe, are meant to be. We teach each other, which is a huge thing. :) I remember J telling me how each guy attracted her. Even if they were assholes, the reason was because they taught her things. She learned, she grew. You teach me things, and I you. We are molding the other, and being shaped ourselves. I like it. I like learning about my feelings, and how to deal. I like how you are learning to express and control. I like just having you.
It's odd how most all of these darn blogs are about you.
Wow.
Myself going crazy again. :)
Typing like I am talking to you. Ha.
Crazy.

Yes. Indeed.

I guess it makes me less lonely. ;)
It's like I am writing, and you are reading. Well, obviously. Someone is ready, but it isn't you. Babe. I adore you.
I am sorry you had a boring Christmas eve. I wish I was there to help you. Even so, we could be bored together. Just lay there listening to Christmas music, laying wrapped in each other. :) I would have
liked
that. A lot.
I think I am now trying to be creative with how I'm typing. It's kind of funny. I thought about it, and I told you, but I want 3 bedrooms. One for us. One for you to gtf away from me and do your shit. One for me to gtf away from you and do what I want. I want to paint. Maybe a dark room. :) I want to get really into photography and painting again. I miss it. I want a camera. I want film...I want a lot dont I? Am I being selfish? I hope not. One is good, but three is ideal. :) As long as I am with you, I will be happy.

I was in second slice today with Becca. And my favorite song recently came on. She doesn't like it. :) I felt strong though. Most people would be like yeah, it's lame. Agree with her.
I didn't. I said I liked it, a lot. It is a good song, not stupid. So whatever. :) She said she was surprised I didn't agree, because most people just naturally do. Which got me thinking.
Most people do things and act certain ways, to be like. To be accepted. Then, I wondered. Do I do things just to be accepted? I didn't think so. But it made me wonder. A lot of people like me, just naturally. I dont try, but they do. A friend of mine once told me that I was the only person she was ever jealous of, if even only a tiny bit.
Because I didn't have to try, people just liked me. I just was and they liked me. Weird.
Are there a lot of people out there like that? That just are, and are adored for it? I assume there are, but I dont want to be an ass.
:)
I think my parents did a good job. Least, what they did do. Most of me was made just from me. Me or my grandparents. Im sure the beginning of who I am was made from my parents... I miss them. I miss that.
I miss what it was like. As a child. Thinking back, to what I can actually remember, it was always about them or my sister/brother. They never really shared with me. Hmm. Must be why I have issues.
Ha. Yeah. That's right, I am blaming! Ooo! :) Not really. I love them. They're cool.
This is kinda fucking long.
She wants to touch me.
Yeah, I said it. :) I'd dance to it too. Whacha gonna do?
But seriously, this is long. Maybe it's me talking to myself again. Getting all those feelings out.
Why do we keep our feelings inside so much? Society I guess. It's kind of ridiculous how if society doesn't think that you fit, then you're a freak. Donno how that works out, but whatever.
Makes me think of my brother, step dad, and my friend. They're kinda...not normal I guess. And my dad. But, not many people like them. I dont get why. They're most of the time pretty cool. They really dont try to impress people, they just are. Why dont people like them? They're cool... They're nice. :( I always feel so horrible that people dont like them. I dont understand. Theyre a little weird and have a different sense of humor, but they're still cool when you get to know them. They just want to be accepted like everyone else...why be hating?
It's twelve. Kendra should be asleep now. Gonna get my Santa presents and put them out then bed time.
Thanks for your time.
xoxo
Babe, I love you. Wish you were here. Sucks I have to wait till February to have Christmas with you. :/ Oh well. Least I actually get it. :)

Bye others who happen to read this...yeah. Im bored.
Bye!