I wish, I was a fish.

Guess that blog after work never happened. Guess I'll just mix it all together in this one. :)

I don't know exactly where to start. My roommates are pissing the hell out of me. Since I have moved in, I have been the only one to do the dishes and keep the place clean. One day my female roommate cleaned the house up, and tidied things...but that was once. I dont understand why they cant just put things away and back where they belong so there wouldnt have to be big clean up days. Use shoes and come home? Put them away. Cloths? Dirty hamper. Plates? Sink. Seriously, how hard is it?? Not only that, but she has this stupid hide-a-bed that she agreed to put away every day. Does she? Big surprise. Wake up and her shit is laying all around the bed and the living room, draped along the table, and the bed isnt put away. On top of that, she is starting to just throw the cushions where ever. I got home, and they were on my bed. You cant just get away with this shit. You're moved out, which means you have to start being a fucking adult. No time to play kiddie and have mommy pick up after you and wipe you. Grow up. You have a little kitten you are supposed to be taking care of, yet you are out every night till midnight. Thought you were supposed to be going to school at 5? The cat sits at home now alone for hours until I get home to feed it and comfort it. Really annoying. There is just so much going wrong with this move. Hole in the window? No big deal, right? Big deal. We have no heater, thus all the air coming in the house makes it so cold! Piss off. Next problem? The hole lets moisture in...and where does that go? My bed. Leaks allllllllll the way down to under my bed. Soaking it and leaving it moldy. Awesome. I put it up to dry....3 hours ago. Still wet. Quite the piss off. Also...here's another log onto the fire. My land lord locked me out. I'm pretty sure he came in illegally to our house...and locked it. Not only that, but he probably saw the cat, which, let's call her Josie, brought to the house without asking. There is garbage sitting around because no one can get a garbage can. Not going to lie, I would have gotten one AGES ago if I had the money. But can the other two roommates get one? No. Josie can buy a new phone, buy a 40 of two things of alchohol, and go to vancouver...but she cant buy a god damned garbage can. Steve can go to the movies, buy random food and do whatever he wants...but cant buy a garbage can. Such a huge piss off.

My back hurts so bad right now. My shoulders, my feet....my body aches. I wish he was here to make it go away. I used to hurt a lot before, but he gave me back rubs, and rubbed my feet...he made it go away. :( I miss him. I was at work today, in the back end making food, and I saw the cuff of a red sweater. One like his. My heart raced so fast and my hopes rose to the sky...and then I looked for a better view, and it wasn't him. I almost cried. Ive been waiting for him to show up around the corner for only a week..not even...and i just wish he fucking would! I wish he would come back to me. I crave him so badley. And not in the dirty xxx rated way. In the ...fuck I need a hug way. I talked to him today...he's doing well. Get to call him at the end of the month. That will be nice. :) To hear his voice again. We got in a scuffle of words today. Both upset and we both just said "fine" and didnt talk anymore. I am just giving it time. Im so upset he left me. I feel alone and abandoned. I feel I wasnt good enough for him to stay for. I know I'm slipping out of my confidence since he left. Im losing it. Im starting to get insecure and worrisome again. I thought today he would find another girl in Ontario that he would work with who is better than me...and he'd leave me. I haven't thought that stuff for weeks. I know he wont, because he loves me more than anything. Doesnt mean I'm not scared. I wish he came back. I actually put his sweater over a pillow to not feel alone last night. It helped me so much to sleep. I find it so pathetic that I have to resort to that, is it? I dont know what is good or what isnt anymore. I guess, if it gets be through, it should be good. I hate closing my eyes and feeling his lips on mine, but as soon as I open my eyes I'm alone. I have to go to his old apartment tomorrow...it's going to be very hard. I have to walk into the kitchen....and the living room...there are too many memories. Lame!

Work is lame right now. My boss is being a bitch and pressuring me to work hours I dont want to. Piss off number two. There was this guy coming in today to examine the restaurant. Everyone was uptight and tense about it, I dont understand why. If you are always up to par, you shouldn't worry. I always do 100% of my best stuff. I never let anything bad go out...so I wasnt worried. Everyone else expected this and that from me, not knowing I guess that I always do it! I'm not a moron and I hate when people treat me like one. I hate when people slum around until someone is watching them and then, "Oh! We need to act our super best!" Stupid.

Why cant I just cry it all away? Why cant this pain subside? Why did he have to go? Why cant I hold him forever? Why ....why cant you answer my questions?? Im tired of being confused. Im tired of feeling lost. Im tired of being left. Im tired of being used. Im tired of...I'm tired of everything. I wish I could run away like he did. I wish I could leave it all behind...I wish I was with him....

Through the phone

I have to leave for work in 15 minutes...but I am going to blog when I'm off. Actually excited to and get all my feelings out again.

<3 Miss you Bradley! <3 xoxo

I will write you a song...

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and everyone is back to their lives. Everyone, except for me that is.

I work tomorrow...and I'm not sure if I want to go. Every time I go in there...I just remember how he would hide from me. Like, he would be working in the back and he would peak his head around the milkshake machine...so cute. Or he would come and hide behind the counter and try and scare me. He was so adorable! Now every time I go in I am hoping with everything in me that he will peak around a corner, or one of the machines. Maybe when I go in the back he would sneak up behind me and kiss my neck like he used to. Or he will be in the back getting changed...and I can hug him because I haven't seen him for a day. Only, it's been three...when I get to work it will be four. I dont think it's ever been this hard to be away from someone. Ive been away for a year at a time from my family...and I miss them like crazy...but not this bad. I feel like breaking down. It's so bad. I crave his fingertips to run along my back, along my neck. His smile or his voice. That look in his eyes when he sees me...how I can tell he has been wishing I would visit him. I wish we had more nights together snuggled close while he whispered in my ear how much he loves me. I had just gotten to that comfortable part where I didn't feel worried he would leave me if I said something wrong. I felt comfortable with him, and that anything I did he would still love me. Ugh. I feel so bad because I feel this is sort of my fault...

When he said he was leaving for Ontario, because he couldn't stand Sidney, I supported him. I told I was okay with it, and I would love him still. I said I had to stay here. I said that because I was constantly telling myself this would be the better way. We wouldn't end up having a hard break up later, it would be clean. Easy. I told myself I couldn't see myself with him forever, and that we would end up breaking up...this would make it smoother. We wouldn't end on bad terms, and we could be friends. Fuck. I was so horribly wrong. I told myself every day, and tried so hard to convince myself. Honestly, I could see myself with him for years...happily. He...I could be with him for so long. You know how they say not every relationship is meant to last forever? Or at least for a long time? Im not saying I want us to be together forever, but I really think this this was sooner than it should have been. It's very frustrating. I keep thinking what if I went with him?? I am very confused and frustrated.

Funny thing is...we were going to break up..like my previous paragraph stated, but neither of us can do it. He asked me to come with him...in a few months. After Christmas he can afford to visit me, and when he leaves he wants me to come with him. Which makes all the pain feel a little watered down. I dont kno. I miss my loser. So much. Listening to stupidly cute love songs...they're weird how they relate so much. I had a dream last night that I lived in Ontario with him...and we had a little girl...
He said when we were first together that he would kill himself if he had a kid. The day before he left...he said if I was pregnant he would come back...and help me. Something happened between us...we are very close. Very in love. I miss him.

Forever with me.

Okay...so...today was a pretty stressful and emotional day.

My boyfriend just left me...forever. Least that is what it feels like. Driving to the airport it really didnt seem real, that he would change his mind. Then it kept going...and he didn't. He was telling me about the plane he came here on, and how it would be on the way back. It was nice, and we were watching the other planes leave and come in. Then, time snuck up behind us and then we had no more waiting. He had to go through security...which we both thought I could also go with him. I couldn't, and it upset us both. So...like those movies...we had to have the emotional goodbye at the gate. I tried so very hard not to cry in public, but I failed. I bailed like a little girl...it was embarrasing. I didn't want to let him out of my arms, and if I didn't have to i wouldnt have. Even thinking about it right now it is hard not to cry. My eyes actually hurt so much from today. Lastnight we had a moment. We had a friend over and were drinking for our last night, but it hit me that tonight he wouldn't be home for me to snuggle with. I couldn't hold it in, and had to ditch to the bathroom, when he followed me. We talked...and neither of us could hold it in apparently. There are too many details I dont want to talk about, but it was intense. I stayed at the airport till I couldnt see his plane anymore. That last kiss was very special, but I wish so very much I could feel his lips back against mine...

I havent ever felt a pain like this before, and it kills me inside. I cant talk about this anymore...it's not...I cant.

I just want him back...

K.I.S.S.

Feet hurt. Legs hurt. Knee hurts. Work tomorrow at 11. No car. Home alone, boyfriend's out. 500 lb eyelids. Good night.

So Tired of Pussy Bitch Men.

Guess this is the first rant post I've had.

So this friend of mine, and I do use the word friend loosely, lets call him Nick. Nick has serious anger problems, problems which I am so tired of. The first time he's done one of his "episodes" was very immature. It's a long story. I was having a bad time and tried to talk to him and he straight out told me he didnt care and didnt want to listen to me. So what do I do? Get upset. Why? Wouldn't you? But really, I got upset because every time he ever needs someone to talk to I was that person. He would talk to me about his problems and I would help him. So I come to him, he tells me fuck off I dont care. So I told my other friend because I needed to vent, expecting she would keep this to herself. Instead, she went to him yelling and such. This was a while over texts. Then, they met up because he was waiting for food or just chatting, and she was just getting off work. She is going to leave, and he confronts her. Yelling is involved, hitting, and finger flipping. It was very dumb. I was in the middle of dealing with 4 customers and I had to stop with them, walk over and break them up only to have him yell at me. Followed by slamming his hand against things and hitting the door making the sign fall off. Seriously? Childish much? It was completely ridiculous. He has done it a few times. And now, he did it again. Why? Because he was waiting so long! In honesty, he was there for 5 minutes tops waiting when there was only 3 people working and trying to fill orders and do maintenance. Ridiculous. He swore, then when Brad told him to calm down...he swore at him. It just got more heated. When I called a friend of mine to tell him not to do it again or he would be banned, they said it was immature of us. Which pissed me off very much. How is it immature of a business to keep someone out who continually has outburst when there are several other customers around. Screw you! We have every right to serve who we fucking want. Im soo mad about it, you have no idea. You will tell people they cant come even on the lot because of things they say, but we are the immature ones. Nice. I am very frustrated with all this god damned drama in this city. Grow up, put your big boy panties on and pull the tampon out. Im tired of this bullshit, and his bullshit. People in general need to grow up. Ugh! I dont even know what else to say. There was no mantinace so the fucking crew had to do ALL of the work! While they are trying to do that...he expects to be treated like God. He stands in the same spot every day and then today he expects it to be different and people to know its different. Fuck! So frustrated!

Full Plate.

So now I' m actually sitting here and writing a blog at the end of the day. :) Go me.

Today wasn't the most exciting day, but it wasn't dull either. Woke this morning, like always, next to my amazing boyfriend. Early. Pretty early. Pretty much, right after my room mate left. He seems to hold off everything until she leaves. Then bam! He goes in. Dives in for the kill and pulls me on over to him. It's cute really, him trying to control everything until the door closes. At least, I find it cute.
Then I made breakfast. It's a pretty radical feeling to make someone breakfast. Him and I both haven't been eating the best since we moved to BC. Him only 7 months, but I haven't for 5 years. So, it was very refreshing to actually have a stomach full of good food in the morning. He said so also. :) I remember when we first got together he never ate breakfast, because it made him sick. But now, he said he feels refreshed and it's great. I am happy that we're getting better. I know before him and I both felt weak and weary when we weren't eating right. I actually went days without food...and it was very normal for me. Lots my friends dont know bout my family life.

So this guy is pissing me off very much. I used to be friends with him, back when I was insecure about myself. Before I knew what I deserved, and how good I actually was. He would give me up building things, make me feel better. But now, he is pathetic. I wont talk to him because he is so ridiculously childish. All he will do is complain about his life and how I am not there. Because I am not there, he has attached himself to my sister. Who listens, but doesn't want to. He whines to her now. All the time. He wont leave her alone, and now he is trying to hit on her. If I hear of him doing this again, I will, to say the least, rip him a new one. Now, trying to be subtle, he is posting his status as things about "two faced friends" which obviously are me. Why do I think this? Because I just told him to shut up when he tried to whine to me. Pathetic. I am tired of it, and I am not going to let him continue this.

So I got promoted recently. :D Super excited! Went to my very first manager's meeting today. :) I felt a little awkward, however, because I didn't know a lot of what they were talking about. But I will learn. :) I know I will. It was cool though, because a lot of the other managers are starting to be more of my friends, rather than the people I look up to. It is pretty cool to know things now, things I didnt know when I was a crew. It's kind of fun. Carol is back! I missed her. She went over to Mt. Newton because her knee was so hurt and acting up and she couldn't move or run around. By going there, she could sit and take orders, and not injure her knee more. She is pretty awesome, as well as the others who are there of course. :D John and Pat are awesome, and so was Michelle when she was there. Jas is acting really weird since the thing happened with Evan, but it's all working out. Huzzah!

Nothing to rant about today, except how I have no money. It sucks, but I have food.

So....I guess that is everything.