I will write you a song...

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and everyone is back to their lives. Everyone, except for me that is.

I work tomorrow...and I'm not sure if I want to go. Every time I go in there...I just remember how he would hide from me. Like, he would be working in the back and he would peak his head around the milkshake machine...so cute. Or he would come and hide behind the counter and try and scare me. He was so adorable! Now every time I go in I am hoping with everything in me that he will peak around a corner, or one of the machines. Maybe when I go in the back he would sneak up behind me and kiss my neck like he used to. Or he will be in the back getting changed...and I can hug him because I haven't seen him for a day. Only, it's been three...when I get to work it will be four. I dont think it's ever been this hard to be away from someone. Ive been away for a year at a time from my family...and I miss them like crazy...but not this bad. I feel like breaking down. It's so bad. I crave his fingertips to run along my back, along my neck. His smile or his voice. That look in his eyes when he sees me...how I can tell he has been wishing I would visit him. I wish we had more nights together snuggled close while he whispered in my ear how much he loves me. I had just gotten to that comfortable part where I didn't feel worried he would leave me if I said something wrong. I felt comfortable with him, and that anything I did he would still love me. Ugh. I feel so bad because I feel this is sort of my fault...

When he said he was leaving for Ontario, because he couldn't stand Sidney, I supported him. I told I was okay with it, and I would love him still. I said I had to stay here. I said that because I was constantly telling myself this would be the better way. We wouldn't end up having a hard break up later, it would be clean. Easy. I told myself I couldn't see myself with him forever, and that we would end up breaking up...this would make it smoother. We wouldn't end on bad terms, and we could be friends. Fuck. I was so horribly wrong. I told myself every day, and tried so hard to convince myself. Honestly, I could see myself with him for years...happily. He...I could be with him for so long. You know how they say not every relationship is meant to last forever? Or at least for a long time? Im not saying I want us to be together forever, but I really think this this was sooner than it should have been. It's very frustrating. I keep thinking what if I went with him?? I am very confused and frustrated.

Funny thing is...we were going to break up..like my previous paragraph stated, but neither of us can do it. He asked me to come with him...in a few months. After Christmas he can afford to visit me, and when he leaves he wants me to come with him. Which makes all the pain feel a little watered down. I dont kno. I miss my loser. So much. Listening to stupidly cute love songs...they're weird how they relate so much. I had a dream last night that I lived in Ontario with him...and we had a little girl...
He said when we were first together that he would kill himself if he had a kid. The day before he left...he said if I was pregnant he would come back...and help me. Something happened between us...we are very close. Very in love. I miss him.