I wish, I was a fish.

Guess that blog after work never happened. Guess I'll just mix it all together in this one. :)

I don't know exactly where to start. My roommates are pissing the hell out of me. Since I have moved in, I have been the only one to do the dishes and keep the place clean. One day my female roommate cleaned the house up, and tidied things...but that was once. I dont understand why they cant just put things away and back where they belong so there wouldnt have to be big clean up days. Use shoes and come home? Put them away. Cloths? Dirty hamper. Plates? Sink. Seriously, how hard is it?? Not only that, but she has this stupid hide-a-bed that she agreed to put away every day. Does she? Big surprise. Wake up and her shit is laying all around the bed and the living room, draped along the table, and the bed isnt put away. On top of that, she is starting to just throw the cushions where ever. I got home, and they were on my bed. You cant just get away with this shit. You're moved out, which means you have to start being a fucking adult. No time to play kiddie and have mommy pick up after you and wipe you. Grow up. You have a little kitten you are supposed to be taking care of, yet you are out every night till midnight. Thought you were supposed to be going to school at 5? The cat sits at home now alone for hours until I get home to feed it and comfort it. Really annoying. There is just so much going wrong with this move. Hole in the window? No big deal, right? Big deal. We have no heater, thus all the air coming in the house makes it so cold! Piss off. Next problem? The hole lets moisture in...and where does that go? My bed. Leaks allllllllll the way down to under my bed. Soaking it and leaving it moldy. Awesome. I put it up to dry....3 hours ago. Still wet. Quite the piss off. Also...here's another log onto the fire. My land lord locked me out. I'm pretty sure he came in illegally to our house...and locked it. Not only that, but he probably saw the cat, which, let's call her Josie, brought to the house without asking. There is garbage sitting around because no one can get a garbage can. Not going to lie, I would have gotten one AGES ago if I had the money. But can the other two roommates get one? No. Josie can buy a new phone, buy a 40 of two things of alchohol, and go to vancouver...but she cant buy a god damned garbage can. Steve can go to the movies, buy random food and do whatever he wants...but cant buy a garbage can. Such a huge piss off.

My back hurts so bad right now. My shoulders, my feet....my body aches. I wish he was here to make it go away. I used to hurt a lot before, but he gave me back rubs, and rubbed my feet...he made it go away. :( I miss him. I was at work today, in the back end making food, and I saw the cuff of a red sweater. One like his. My heart raced so fast and my hopes rose to the sky...and then I looked for a better view, and it wasn't him. I almost cried. Ive been waiting for him to show up around the corner for only a week..not even...and i just wish he fucking would! I wish he would come back to me. I crave him so badley. And not in the dirty xxx rated way. In the ...fuck I need a hug way. I talked to him today...he's doing well. Get to call him at the end of the month. That will be nice. :) To hear his voice again. We got in a scuffle of words today. Both upset and we both just said "fine" and didnt talk anymore. I am just giving it time. Im so upset he left me. I feel alone and abandoned. I feel I wasnt good enough for him to stay for. I know I'm slipping out of my confidence since he left. Im losing it. Im starting to get insecure and worrisome again. I thought today he would find another girl in Ontario that he would work with who is better than me...and he'd leave me. I haven't thought that stuff for weeks. I know he wont, because he loves me more than anything. Doesnt mean I'm not scared. I wish he came back. I actually put his sweater over a pillow to not feel alone last night. It helped me so much to sleep. I find it so pathetic that I have to resort to that, is it? I dont know what is good or what isnt anymore. I guess, if it gets be through, it should be good. I hate closing my eyes and feeling his lips on mine, but as soon as I open my eyes I'm alone. I have to go to his old apartment tomorrow...it's going to be very hard. I have to walk into the kitchen....and the living room...there are too many memories. Lame!

Work is lame right now. My boss is being a bitch and pressuring me to work hours I dont want to. Piss off number two. There was this guy coming in today to examine the restaurant. Everyone was uptight and tense about it, I dont understand why. If you are always up to par, you shouldn't worry. I always do 100% of my best stuff. I never let anything bad go out...so I wasnt worried. Everyone else expected this and that from me, not knowing I guess that I always do it! I'm not a moron and I hate when people treat me like one. I hate when people slum around until someone is watching them and then, "Oh! We need to act our super best!" Stupid.

Why cant I just cry it all away? Why cant this pain subside? Why did he have to go? Why cant I hold him forever? Why ....why cant you answer my questions?? Im tired of being confused. Im tired of feeling lost. Im tired of being left. Im tired of being used. Im tired of...I'm tired of everything. I wish I could run away like he did. I wish I could leave it all behind...I wish I was with him....