BOTT!

Hey there. :) Friend. Or should I say fiend?

Muahhahaha! Well. I'm eating soup now...I like making soup now. I kinda take the can and add different things to it. :) This time I only added noodles, prolly could have added some turkey. Mmm...that would have been good.

So I quit McDonald's, finally.
Im very glad and have way less stress and annoyance on my shoulders now. :) No more stupid Nicole. No more bitchy customers I have to be polite with. Fucking losers. You're paying 5$ for a burger...be happy. Seriously, It's not a ***** place...get over it. So annoying.
Letting my soup simmer. :) Pretty nice. Let the juices soak into the noodles...mmmmm :) Yum.
So. Haha! I wrote on facebook the other day;
FU NH.
Clearly meaning, fuck you Nicole hart. xD
She messages me being like, what did I do to you? Whining about it, and I just brushed it off and said it was an ex friend. lol, she bought it. I honestly couldn't care less though, not like I'm going in there again. I kinda feel like Rosie when she quit and was afraid of Steve. :p Steve is such a baby. Really. :) Not in a bad way, in a softy kinda way. Once you're friends with him, he'd do anything for you. I think it's cool. :) Andrew told me once he could see him and me dating; Steve not Andrew. I don't see it. Brad's my only guy. :) :)
Forevers.
He called me his wife two days ago. :p Usually he'll say "wifey" but it's like a nickname. For him to actually say that to me, it's different. It's...sincere. It makes me very happy, makes me glow. :)
Glow like a newly married princess.
Yes! I'm a princess! Where I am actually number one...not two. : ) Pretty stoked.

So. Had my knee surgery. But, it didn't get fixed. Which, now, pisses me off. It's been three years. Finally get in. And all he does is scope around. WTF?! Actually? It was originally the meniscus that was torn. Because of this ridiculous wait, it is now effected my ACL. The main ligament that helps your knee work....I'm fucked. Who's fault is that? Fucking surgeon's. Pretty awesome right? Yeah. Now I'm moving, and need to get a surgeon over there to get on this. Not so fucking elective now is it?? Nah. Now it involves my actually knee staying together, because you thought there would be time to fiddle. Nope. Guess not.
My knee is breaking down in front of you, and it's your own fault. I could sue you, but I wont. I just want my knee fixed. Ass. I'm 20, and crippled. Actually. I am 20, and my knee is falling apart. No ACL working, and a torn Meniscus. Awesome. Who do you actually know who has a damaged ACL..and still does things normally? Didn't think so.
Im fucked, and it's your fault.
When I went in, he saw me. But he just rambled through things he was going to do. I felt so overwhelmed. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I wanted to ask him. He didn't let me and just signed my leg and walked off. I wanted him to do whatever he could to fix it, I didn't care what it involved. I just wanted it done. I was so stoked it would be finished, finally. So I go into the surgery room...it was so surreal. I'm listening to this song "Everything goes" and I swear; if there was a song to play during this whole ordeal, that would be it. Like if that time in my life was a video, this would be the song. So unreal. The lights, the tv screens, the charts. It was weird. I felt like I was in an episode of house. :p Then they tied my hands to the bed...put the heart rate thing on me...had my IV in...the mask over my face. They were all talking so sweetly to me...like a humming. Sweet humming voices.
Put the mask on my face and told me to breath.
It wasn't easy. Breathing in was easy...but pushing the air out made me feel sufficated. I wanted to push the mask off, it was weird. I said it was kind of hard to breath, and they just kept it on. It seemed as they chanted for me to breath more. It was ... odd.

The sweet humming voices continued as I closed my eyes. I don't remember actually closing my eyes. I dont remember them telling me to count backwards. I just remember the sufficating mask, and waking up. I shot up when it wore off and asked when the doctor was coming back in. Apparently, it had already finished. Awesome. It was finished! My knee was fixed! Then, I found out what really happened. :/ Lame ass.

So I can almost walk on my leg again. Don''t want to push it however. Just let it go. My wounds aren't even healed, I'm sure I shouldn't walk yet. Oh!
Ew.
Dude.
I was in my room, rewrapping the tenser bandage around my knee, and cleaning off my leg with a rag. Bethany was watching me, apparently she was in awe of my knee. She told me I should take the tape off. I really didnt want to because my knee was still bleeding into my bandage. I thought for a little bit, then decided to see how easily it would come off. If it started to hurt, or there was hair, I would stop.
It was coming off very easy. So I kept going. :) Nice! I could be healed! Nope.

Removed the tape just enough to see it. The cut. :S
I could see it, fully opened. Bloody. Not even close to being closed. I could see down into my knee. :S Freaked me out and I covered it up fast! I don't know why I was so scared, instead of intrueged.
It just...was so weird.
Went through this experience with whispers and humming, and now I have holes to the inside of my leg.
Bethany wanted to look, but I wouldn't remove that tape again. Id like my leg to heal. Not be open and weak to the air and the world around.

I did use the sponge to clean myself so it would be faster to heal, but I don't know. Makes me uneasy.
I kinda like how it takes me a few days to update my blog, and then my blogs just end up being hours long.
I am listening to some new weird and trippy music. :) I like it.
Some techno, some rave, some easy going, and some fucked up shit. :p

I really like feeling the music fill my ears and poor out down my neck and then wrap me up in its arms. Its a nice feeling to be held and rocked to sleep by music. I have started to view everything in my life differently since the trip.

My emotions have changed. My opinions on life has changed. Everything has changed. Except for say, my love of people. Maybe not, I love those whom I love more now. Like the love I had for them has been pumped full of cologine. It's cool. I feel pumped up and so inwarmed when I see these people now. :) It's a nice feeling.
I get t3s! LOL! But Im not going to use them, I'll give them to my mom. She needs them more for her pain than I do. t1's will do fine for me. :)

I cant believe that on the 13th I am leaving. Im moving out. For real.
With you. :) My baby boy.
My love.
I am so excited. Im also scared. Seeing as I will be having surgery over there...and wont recover for 3 months. Three months, how insane is that??

Now you're gone! I realize my love for you was strong... haha
:) That makes me super happy. :)
Sometimes I will walk around...and wish I was tripping again. xD I would love so much to be on that and go to work. See how they'd like me then. :) Fuck yeah. I'd be loved by everyone...like actually.
Super cool.
Brad said when I get there we can try that kinda stuff, but only when he is there with me.
He cried on the phone when he found out I did it the first time. So angry. It was because he wasnt there to help me. I was alone 6 hours...and I could have died. It freaked the shit out of him that I was that close to dying without him even there to help. Poor guy. :( I feel real bad for putting my baby through that.

Holy fuck. I cant wait to see him. 7 more times of sleeping. Then I get to wake up to a plane to see him. OMFG. My heart is racing.
Im so scared.
Im so excited.
I cant wait.
I wish it was a longer wait.
:s Im so torn.
Kendra. My little girly. She cried when I told her I was moving. :( She cries when I am not in the same room as her now. I love that little girl. :) She's perfect. Other than her tantrums, but I could fix those. I think I will give her the dress I got her for Christmas on the day before I leave, to remember me. :) I love her. :)

I miss him though. More than anything. God. To feel his arms around me and hold me when I am crying, it makes everything go away. Everything. I just close my eyes and we drift away.

I really hate when you go to a dollar store, and they have things for 17 dollars. Fucking get a kids hopes up. :/

Hon rojur upp I varan kanal. :) Swedish now you're gone. :p
Soak that in. :) Drink it up. :) Och han kan banna, banna dig sa hart. :)