Well I was a little blown away that my last blog was on the 19th of January, but then I remembered the fact that I have forgotten my password. Whoops!
Here we go again, another round of my awesome brain spilled onto digital text. Lets see what kind of trouble I can get into this time. Of course, it's 3 am so maybe we should try and go down this road another day... maybe tomorrow.
I bid you farewell.
Until tomorrow, and yes, I know you can hold on until then.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Coffee Break...yo.
Is it really that hard for people to grow up?
I have to be honest, this is a stretch for me right now. I have become the kind of person where not a whole lot bothers me...so getting up enough to bother me to write about it..was tough. It's already off my chest, and I could care less, but writing gets me to thinking about a lot more than I begin with.
So.
Here we go.
DJ.
:)
You know what I just realized. Im sure I've already written about this. Long story short, I'm not in high school. It isn't a fight for prom queen, or to get the most votes for homecoming, it is life. There is too much to learn, too much to DO to deal with your bullshit. You bore me. If all of your life is just another day of high school, then we wont get along in the least. Talk about your party, talk about how drunk you got, talk about how the boy smiled at you or invited you out. Do it all you want, but after three days tops I will be bored of you. There has to be some girls out there to be friends with that are like me, and over that stage of life.
Now, I could attribute it to me not actually going to parties or into guys like you are. I can probably attribute it to me not being as socially out going as you are, but I wont.
Why?
Because I could go to parties if I want to. I could, I can, and I have. It isnt the biggest part of my life, however, so I'm not going to talk about it. It's just a gathering, a stress release, not a highlight in my life.
Do I just get tired of people in general? I think maybe Jori and I have been best friends for so long because we've only seen each other once a year and texted occasionally. That might be it. I cannot actually spend 100% of my time with people and not get bored of them. No offense intended.
J- I love her to pieces, but is it because I am not there? I am not there, but it's not like we talk every day either. Once in a while we update each other and move on. Is that how we can be friends? Her life is so much different than mine...what she likes is so much different. We have similarities for sure, but I dont think it's enough to make a solid friendship. Not sure.
L- I lost interest in her a while ago. Flaky, disorganized. She was great, and nice and we got along quite well, but I dont know. I just got bored of it. Not worth my time.
R- I am not sure about her. I've heard from others her personality is based on who she is with...which sucks! Is that why I like her? When I am with her, she is me. I dont know, there is a problem with that theory. She is quite shallow...and I can tell. If she agrees to something, I can tell she only is to agree. Is that me? Am I that fake?
S - Love her to death, but my god! She is a flake. Is she worth my time? We are quite similar and she isnt like the boring girls who party constantly. I am a little on the fence with this one.
R - She is worth my time. She has a mind and we talk, plus we have similar interests and similar lives. :) She's great.
B - Im just starting to get to know her, after 17 years of knowing her. I guess it started last year, after someone told us to be more sisters than mother and daughter. I've sort of raised her, so I've always had that mind set. I need to let it go, and move on. So far, I like who she is. :)
C - Seems to be the only person I have yet to become bored of. Simple enough.
K - Bored of him easily. Im sure the reason the friendship continued was because I substituted my feelings for others, in him. Transfer of emotions. Simple enough. Him as a person, no.
B - I am pretty sure that with this guy, the reason things lasted so long was because I constantly imagined the person he was when we were apart, and that happened a lot.
There are more, but I'm bored.
Enough with this friendship review...
I have to be honest, this is a stretch for me right now. I have become the kind of person where not a whole lot bothers me...so getting up enough to bother me to write about it..was tough. It's already off my chest, and I could care less, but writing gets me to thinking about a lot more than I begin with.
So.
Here we go.
DJ.
:)
You know what I just realized. Im sure I've already written about this. Long story short, I'm not in high school. It isn't a fight for prom queen, or to get the most votes for homecoming, it is life. There is too much to learn, too much to DO to deal with your bullshit. You bore me. If all of your life is just another day of high school, then we wont get along in the least. Talk about your party, talk about how drunk you got, talk about how the boy smiled at you or invited you out. Do it all you want, but after three days tops I will be bored of you. There has to be some girls out there to be friends with that are like me, and over that stage of life.
Now, I could attribute it to me not actually going to parties or into guys like you are. I can probably attribute it to me not being as socially out going as you are, but I wont.
Why?
Because I could go to parties if I want to. I could, I can, and I have. It isnt the biggest part of my life, however, so I'm not going to talk about it. It's just a gathering, a stress release, not a highlight in my life.
Do I just get tired of people in general? I think maybe Jori and I have been best friends for so long because we've only seen each other once a year and texted occasionally. That might be it. I cannot actually spend 100% of my time with people and not get bored of them. No offense intended.
J- I love her to pieces, but is it because I am not there? I am not there, but it's not like we talk every day either. Once in a while we update each other and move on. Is that how we can be friends? Her life is so much different than mine...what she likes is so much different. We have similarities for sure, but I dont think it's enough to make a solid friendship. Not sure.
L- I lost interest in her a while ago. Flaky, disorganized. She was great, and nice and we got along quite well, but I dont know. I just got bored of it. Not worth my time.
R- I am not sure about her. I've heard from others her personality is based on who she is with...which sucks! Is that why I like her? When I am with her, she is me. I dont know, there is a problem with that theory. She is quite shallow...and I can tell. If she agrees to something, I can tell she only is to agree. Is that me? Am I that fake?
S - Love her to death, but my god! She is a flake. Is she worth my time? We are quite similar and she isnt like the boring girls who party constantly. I am a little on the fence with this one.
R - She is worth my time. She has a mind and we talk, plus we have similar interests and similar lives. :) She's great.
B - Im just starting to get to know her, after 17 years of knowing her. I guess it started last year, after someone told us to be more sisters than mother and daughter. I've sort of raised her, so I've always had that mind set. I need to let it go, and move on. So far, I like who she is. :)
C - Seems to be the only person I have yet to become bored of. Simple enough.
K - Bored of him easily. Im sure the reason the friendship continued was because I substituted my feelings for others, in him. Transfer of emotions. Simple enough. Him as a person, no.
B - I am pretty sure that with this guy, the reason things lasted so long was because I constantly imagined the person he was when we were apart, and that happened a lot.
There are more, but I'm bored.
Enough with this friendship review...
Monday, January 17, 2011
biproducts are out.
Well, my secret friend, I have a problem.
I bore easy. I've noticed it more and more. I'll meet people and we'll be talking all the time and I am quite excited to do so. And then....a couple weeks pass and I dont even feel the need to say hello to them anymore. They bore me. The things they talk about are predictable and I can plan out everything that will happen...before it happens. I just, I cant stand it. Maybe if I would hang out in person with them on a daily basis, it would be different. But, we're not. If they cant hold my attention this way for more than two weeks, what makes me want to waste my time and meet for a coffee? It's pretty ridiculous. Is there nobody out there that can hold my attention for more than a week????? Not get on my nerves, and irritate me after two weeks??
I dont understand.
Do I have a problem with commitment and that is why Im ducking out early? Am I even ducking out early...or are they really that flat of characters. I would like some depth. Is it so hard to find .... depth? Interests? Spark?
The more people I meet, the more I realize how boring people are.
Dont even get me started on the new hell of high school I have entered into at work. >< Freaking bitches...
Moving on. I have a job, that is the bright side. I dont care what they do to me there, Im just going to work and get my paycheck. That way I can get to my goal! :D I want to shape up myself by May.
Body.
Mind.
Soul.
Everything.
A total redo...
May 2011. Then Im going to live. :)
Peace!
I bore easy. I've noticed it more and more. I'll meet people and we'll be talking all the time and I am quite excited to do so. And then....a couple weeks pass and I dont even feel the need to say hello to them anymore. They bore me. The things they talk about are predictable and I can plan out everything that will happen...before it happens. I just, I cant stand it. Maybe if I would hang out in person with them on a daily basis, it would be different. But, we're not. If they cant hold my attention this way for more than two weeks, what makes me want to waste my time and meet for a coffee? It's pretty ridiculous. Is there nobody out there that can hold my attention for more than a week????? Not get on my nerves, and irritate me after two weeks??
I dont understand.
Do I have a problem with commitment and that is why Im ducking out early? Am I even ducking out early...or are they really that flat of characters. I would like some depth. Is it so hard to find .... depth? Interests? Spark?
The more people I meet, the more I realize how boring people are.
Dont even get me started on the new hell of high school I have entered into at work. >< Freaking bitches...
Moving on. I have a job, that is the bright side. I dont care what they do to me there, Im just going to work and get my paycheck. That way I can get to my goal! :D I want to shape up myself by May.
Body.
Mind.
Soul.
Everything.
A total redo...
May 2011. Then Im going to live. :)
Peace!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Winter f** wonderland.
Blogger time! Im sure you've been waiting patiently for me to return, you tiny computer.
Well, I guess updates are in order?
I have passed my smart serve, so I can serve alcohol! Exciting, yes? I might have a job at Jerseys, a family restaurant/sports bar in Uxbridge. It's my cousins favorite place, and she's pretty excited about it! It would be a fantastic place to work, it's only a 10 minute walk away too.
I dyed my hair yesterday! It is blue black now. The blue is much more viberate than I recall. I am guessing the black hair looked quite amazing on me before, but I also wore make up more often. I think the black hair was great when I wore makeup, but the brown I had was great if I didnt wear any make up. Oh well, I guess I should start doing it again. I honestly dont wear it because I dont want to take the time to put it on. That and I dont have much. I have started using those face moisturizers with SPF, and Im quite happy with the results. Haha! I miss the good ol days where you didn't have to wear makeup or shit like that and you'd still look great!
Im pretty sure though, I will be able to not wear it with the black hair if I just get my bangs cut. They keep falling to the side and leaving my forehead exposed.
Oh well. Those all seem quite small things to worry about.
I might have a job. Bonus! Life is being nice to me. Boys, however, that is another story. But everyone needs to go through the rough times to truly appreciate the good. That's how I see it at least. It dampens my spirits a bit, but then I get a hold of my emotions and see it for what it is.
My heart is kind of torn in that respect also. I want to do so much, see so much. But I also want a guy...but if I want a guy then I really cant do what I want to. Lame. I just need to accept that Im not one to be in a relationship anymore. haha, why do all of these damn posts end up being about a persons heart or relationships???
Lame sauce. I wish people weren't such chicken shits... and would take responsibility for their own actions. Would be nice indeed.
Well, I guess updates are in order?
I have passed my smart serve, so I can serve alcohol! Exciting, yes? I might have a job at Jerseys, a family restaurant/sports bar in Uxbridge. It's my cousins favorite place, and she's pretty excited about it! It would be a fantastic place to work, it's only a 10 minute walk away too.
I dyed my hair yesterday! It is blue black now. The blue is much more viberate than I recall. I am guessing the black hair looked quite amazing on me before, but I also wore make up more often. I think the black hair was great when I wore makeup, but the brown I had was great if I didnt wear any make up. Oh well, I guess I should start doing it again. I honestly dont wear it because I dont want to take the time to put it on. That and I dont have much. I have started using those face moisturizers with SPF, and Im quite happy with the results. Haha! I miss the good ol days where you didn't have to wear makeup or shit like that and you'd still look great!
Im pretty sure though, I will be able to not wear it with the black hair if I just get my bangs cut. They keep falling to the side and leaving my forehead exposed.
Oh well. Those all seem quite small things to worry about.
I might have a job. Bonus! Life is being nice to me. Boys, however, that is another story. But everyone needs to go through the rough times to truly appreciate the good. That's how I see it at least. It dampens my spirits a bit, but then I get a hold of my emotions and see it for what it is.
My heart is kind of torn in that respect also. I want to do so much, see so much. But I also want a guy...but if I want a guy then I really cant do what I want to. Lame. I just need to accept that Im not one to be in a relationship anymore. haha, why do all of these damn posts end up being about a persons heart or relationships???
Lame sauce. I wish people weren't such chicken shits... and would take responsibility for their own actions. Would be nice indeed.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
list
Dear little computer,
Life seems to actually be working out. :) I seem to actually be comfortable in my own skin, my own life. I kind of wanted to make a little bucket list. I have already made one for books, and I wanted to make another for life in general. Lets see if I can actually do it. :)
My list:
01. Get accepted into Durham for ECE.
02. Become a teacher.
03. Read my list of books.
04. Climb Everest.
05. Live in Scotland with Bethany.
06. Take Kendra to Disney Land.
07. Visit Phred.
08. Backpack around Germany.
09. Visit Rome.
10. Get a poem published.
11. Have a show at a Gallery for my art.
12. Own a gallery.
13. Finish 7 paintings.
14. Sponsor a child.
15. Adopt.
16. Build a school.
17. Go to a movie premier.
18. Go to TIFF.
19. Go skydiving.
20. Go to Nepals, eat pizza.
21. Try surviving in the woods.
22. Dance atop the Eiffel tower.
23. See a Broadway show.
24. Visit the family Bakery in DC.
25. Visit my grandfathers grave.
26. Become at peace with myself.
27. Overcome my fear of water.
28. Ski down a slope.
29. Run a marathon.
30. Win a karaoke contest.
31. Make a documentary of childhood.
32. Save the world.
Life seems to actually be working out. :) I seem to actually be comfortable in my own skin, my own life. I kind of wanted to make a little bucket list. I have already made one for books, and I wanted to make another for life in general. Lets see if I can actually do it. :)
My list:
01. Get accepted into Durham for ECE.
02. Become a teacher.
03. Read my list of books.
04. Climb Everest.
05. Live in Scotland with Bethany.
06. Take Kendra to Disney Land.
07. Visit Phred.
08. Backpack around Germany.
09. Visit Rome.
10. Get a poem published.
11. Have a show at a Gallery for my art.
12. Own a gallery.
13. Finish 7 paintings.
14. Sponsor a child.
15. Adopt.
16. Build a school.
17. Go to a movie premier.
18. Go to TIFF.
19. Go skydiving.
20. Go to Nepals, eat pizza.
21. Try surviving in the woods.
22. Dance atop the Eiffel tower.
23. See a Broadway show.
24. Visit the family Bakery in DC.
25. Visit my grandfathers grave.
26. Become at peace with myself.
27. Overcome my fear of water.
28. Ski down a slope.
29. Run a marathon.
30. Win a karaoke contest.
31. Make a documentary of childhood.
32. Save the world.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Soon.
So, it's the new year. A new decade. It should be some profound moment in my life...gushing with opportunity and bursting with potential. I cant help but feel ... nothing. My entire self is numbed by the thoughts I am trying to overcome.
That is why I have come to you.
Dear Blogger. Keeper of my secrets. I hope you can silence these thoughts.
They're about what they always lead to eventually. The standard of all men, the pinnacle of a gentlemen. My rock.
What am I supposed to do? We have this ridiculous tug of war that drives me crazy. First it's me, then it's him. And I dont know what to do! Honestly, out of everyone in my life he is who I want to go to when something bad happens. Something bad, or good, or drastic. Dramatic. Exciting. He is like a light house and Im lost at sea. Cliche, perhaps. True? Very.
He is contagious. No. He is addictive. He is a drug that I cannot take once. The millisecond his soul touched mine I felt engulfed in something I have yet to feel again. How can you meet someone with such an impact at such a young age? I cant believe in the possibility, which is probably why it's lasted this long. Honestly, I am not sure it is real.
It is strange though, he is in my head, yet he is just observing. I get the slightest insecurity, and he knows the exact thing to say to extinguish it.
Instantaneously.
It is like the second I think of it, he knows and bites my tongue for me.
We can go a year without speaking.
We have.
And when I recently got back in contact with him... I explained why I did. I had a moment of clarity. I thought of him, after months of pushing it aside in my head and I felt refreshed. I explained it to him, and he said he felt the same. He can be worked 14 hours a day, and exhausted.
And getting a simple "hello" he is overcome with this...refreshing feeling. I dont understand it at all.
It is something so much bigger than him or I.
I am not desperate. I am not a romantic. I am not influenced by movies, tv or couples. My own brain comes to these ideas, and it hurts.
There is a lingering pain there.
I am afraid...
The idea of being with one person the rest of your life...is one thing, among atomic warfare, that terrifies me. I get bored. If a rut comes along, I need out. Fast.
I was with my last boyfriend for over a year, yes. But we were only in the same place for months at a time. I think that is why it lasted. We were not together all the time.
Am I not someone meant to be with another?
I need to be pushed, inspired and dared. I need to reach my limits, and find his. I seem to find them too easy with most..and the initial interest fades quite quickly. I take on their interests to hold onto something, but it is empty.
We have talked on and off, but still have felt no less for one another.
Yet, what if we talked constantly? Would I become bored of the one person I never thought I would? Would he become bored of me?
Have I grown up too much? We met at 16... have we moved too far along in our lives?
I dont know what to do. What to think.
He knows my quirks. He tells me if I've crossed a line.
He isn't afraid to mold me.
I dont mean that in the sense that I would or could change for him, but in another way. More of a way that he is willing to push me and teach me. He has already taught me so much.
My world has expanded so much because of him. His, not so much from me.
There are things, however, I have done for him.
Maybe I am so into this idea of us because of his independence. His thriving life and the fact that adding me to the mix would not be a huge change for either of us.
I like the idea of having my own life, and him having his.
I dont know what to do. I cannot give into this feeling.
I cannot just let it consume me again. I fall too fast and much too hard for him if I let it happen. He is the top of the K2, and when I accept my feelings for him, I begin to plummet off, gaining speed quickly.
I am torn. What we have is from movies.
For him, every girl he's been with or met has been a distraction as he put it. I guess I give myself too little credit. Where I rate everyone I meet from the standards he has set, he finds things similar to me in them. One has my laugh, another my humor, and still another gives him a certain look which I once did. Subtle things he has all found similar which has drawn him to them. Unfortunately for them, he bores easy when they are not the same. These are not my words, they are his.
For me, I will also see things about them which remind me of him and I jump! Days later I find they are not so common, and my interest fades. Maybe this is why I get bored of people easy, leading me to the idea I have a fear of commitment.
I am unsure, however, it does sound plausible.
We've fucked each other up. Without the other, we are not happy, but merely content. Living each day as the last.
I cant admit this. I wont.
I wont let myself become careless and fall for him again.
He is my cryptonite.
I am so overwhelmed with this. We were like magnets...or puzzle pieces. Once put together, there was a snap. I knew it, he knew it. There was something there. Ever since then we've been pulled apart by others, jobs, life. Yet, we still snap together as if nothing has happened or years have passed.
An immortal caring.
Boy, that sounds childish. 8 year old girl childish. Im not a princess.
This isnt a fairy tale. I need to get a reality check.
We will never be a we.
He will never be with me.
It wont work out.....no matter what I tell myself.
No matter how low every man since him has fallen to the bar he has set...
Soon my heart will believe my head and all this will be over...
Soon...
That is why I have come to you.
Dear Blogger. Keeper of my secrets. I hope you can silence these thoughts.
They're about what they always lead to eventually. The standard of all men, the pinnacle of a gentlemen. My rock.
What am I supposed to do? We have this ridiculous tug of war that drives me crazy. First it's me, then it's him. And I dont know what to do! Honestly, out of everyone in my life he is who I want to go to when something bad happens. Something bad, or good, or drastic. Dramatic. Exciting. He is like a light house and Im lost at sea. Cliche, perhaps. True? Very.
He is contagious. No. He is addictive. He is a drug that I cannot take once. The millisecond his soul touched mine I felt engulfed in something I have yet to feel again. How can you meet someone with such an impact at such a young age? I cant believe in the possibility, which is probably why it's lasted this long. Honestly, I am not sure it is real.
It is strange though, he is in my head, yet he is just observing. I get the slightest insecurity, and he knows the exact thing to say to extinguish it.
Instantaneously.
It is like the second I think of it, he knows and bites my tongue for me.
We can go a year without speaking.
We have.
And when I recently got back in contact with him... I explained why I did. I had a moment of clarity. I thought of him, after months of pushing it aside in my head and I felt refreshed. I explained it to him, and he said he felt the same. He can be worked 14 hours a day, and exhausted.
And getting a simple "hello" he is overcome with this...refreshing feeling. I dont understand it at all.
It is something so much bigger than him or I.
I am not desperate. I am not a romantic. I am not influenced by movies, tv or couples. My own brain comes to these ideas, and it hurts.
There is a lingering pain there.
I am afraid...
The idea of being with one person the rest of your life...is one thing, among atomic warfare, that terrifies me. I get bored. If a rut comes along, I need out. Fast.
I was with my last boyfriend for over a year, yes. But we were only in the same place for months at a time. I think that is why it lasted. We were not together all the time.
Am I not someone meant to be with another?
I need to be pushed, inspired and dared. I need to reach my limits, and find his. I seem to find them too easy with most..and the initial interest fades quite quickly. I take on their interests to hold onto something, but it is empty.
We have talked on and off, but still have felt no less for one another.
Yet, what if we talked constantly? Would I become bored of the one person I never thought I would? Would he become bored of me?
Have I grown up too much? We met at 16... have we moved too far along in our lives?
I dont know what to do. What to think.
He knows my quirks. He tells me if I've crossed a line.
He isn't afraid to mold me.
I dont mean that in the sense that I would or could change for him, but in another way. More of a way that he is willing to push me and teach me. He has already taught me so much.
My world has expanded so much because of him. His, not so much from me.
There are things, however, I have done for him.
Maybe I am so into this idea of us because of his independence. His thriving life and the fact that adding me to the mix would not be a huge change for either of us.
I like the idea of having my own life, and him having his.
I dont know what to do. I cannot give into this feeling.
I cannot just let it consume me again. I fall too fast and much too hard for him if I let it happen. He is the top of the K2, and when I accept my feelings for him, I begin to plummet off, gaining speed quickly.
I am torn. What we have is from movies.
For him, every girl he's been with or met has been a distraction as he put it. I guess I give myself too little credit. Where I rate everyone I meet from the standards he has set, he finds things similar to me in them. One has my laugh, another my humor, and still another gives him a certain look which I once did. Subtle things he has all found similar which has drawn him to them. Unfortunately for them, he bores easy when they are not the same. These are not my words, they are his.
For me, I will also see things about them which remind me of him and I jump! Days later I find they are not so common, and my interest fades. Maybe this is why I get bored of people easy, leading me to the idea I have a fear of commitment.
I am unsure, however, it does sound plausible.
We've fucked each other up. Without the other, we are not happy, but merely content. Living each day as the last.
I cant admit this. I wont.
I wont let myself become careless and fall for him again.
He is my cryptonite.
I am so overwhelmed with this. We were like magnets...or puzzle pieces. Once put together, there was a snap. I knew it, he knew it. There was something there. Ever since then we've been pulled apart by others, jobs, life. Yet, we still snap together as if nothing has happened or years have passed.
An immortal caring.
Boy, that sounds childish. 8 year old girl childish. Im not a princess.
This isnt a fairy tale. I need to get a reality check.
We will never be a we.
He will never be with me.
It wont work out.....no matter what I tell myself.
No matter how low every man since him has fallen to the bar he has set...
Soon my heart will believe my head and all this will be over...
Soon...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
There's a green hippo in your shoe.
Hello world! :)
Not much new going on. Decided not to go to Germany, it just isnt working out right now. Oh, right. I was going to move to Germany for a year. :) A small town near Hamburg. It was all planned out, but I forgot the idea of having a back up plan. Lame-o. So, long story short, not moving to Germany.
Ill just have to go when Bethany graduates. :) That was my plan originally. We are going to move to Scotland for the summer, which Im super stoked about! I am the kinda person who wants to do that sort of thing.... but you already knew that.
It makes me wonder, well yesterday. I was discussing some things with my friend. We usually talk about things that evolve some brain work. It started with AA, and how I really dont agree with their methods. It lead to the extreme low which humanity finds itself. Human nature is actually soft and lazy now, its depressing. I found out that the schooling system is highly flawed, more than I thought. In the USA they have half days Thursday and Friday in most places. The schools rely on student attendance to get their funding. If they dont get the attendance, their budget goes down. They dont want that, so they'd rather have shit days which the students learn nothing just so they are there rather than losing funding. It's disgusting really. Humanity is fucked for the future.
I think I am going to make a list of things I want to do before I die. I already made one for books, lets try other things. It will certainly make getting them done easier. If you know what you want, you can strive towards it. Aimlessly trudging into the future not knowing what I want, is like a blind child looking for something that they do now know what it feels like. Anyway, gonna go!
Peace.
Not much new going on. Decided not to go to Germany, it just isnt working out right now. Oh, right. I was going to move to Germany for a year. :) A small town near Hamburg. It was all planned out, but I forgot the idea of having a back up plan. Lame-o. So, long story short, not moving to Germany.
Ill just have to go when Bethany graduates. :) That was my plan originally. We are going to move to Scotland for the summer, which Im super stoked about! I am the kinda person who wants to do that sort of thing.... but you already knew that.
It makes me wonder, well yesterday. I was discussing some things with my friend. We usually talk about things that evolve some brain work. It started with AA, and how I really dont agree with their methods. It lead to the extreme low which humanity finds itself. Human nature is actually soft and lazy now, its depressing. I found out that the schooling system is highly flawed, more than I thought. In the USA they have half days Thursday and Friday in most places. The schools rely on student attendance to get their funding. If they dont get the attendance, their budget goes down. They dont want that, so they'd rather have shit days which the students learn nothing just so they are there rather than losing funding. It's disgusting really. Humanity is fucked for the future.
I think I am going to make a list of things I want to do before I die. I already made one for books, lets try other things. It will certainly make getting them done easier. If you know what you want, you can strive towards it. Aimlessly trudging into the future not knowing what I want, is like a blind child looking for something that they do now know what it feels like. Anyway, gonna go!
Peace.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Hey jude.
Again, been a while.
This who concept seems to keep slipping my mind. I do need a place to explain everything Ive been thinking... since my friends and I really aren't on a daily discussion basis.
So, here goes.
I broke up with Brad yesterday. I still love him, but it wasnt hurting us both to hold on. I want to go to school, which can take 4 years or more. I want to move, document, and explore the world. I just realized that if I have a teaching degree I can move to another country and teach.. might be something to look into! Id love that. :)
I want to do that though, and not have roots. Ive come to a realization that I have a problem with commitment. Which made me think about my life... and how I've been without a boyfriend my whole life until him...unlike a huge majority of my friends. Theyve all been in and our of relationships... and look at where they are. I can see things happening for them, but nothing spectacular. I feel like a glow is starting to spread around me now that Im single. It makes me think about why I was single for so long, and why I never had a guy. Everyone says that things happen for a reason. Maybe my being single was a reason.
Not being with a man has given me the power to view myself and discover who I am. I haven't been infatuated and created myself based off of who I am with at the time. I am me, and love me or leave me but that's how it's going to be.
I also have had time to think about what I really honestly want to do with my life. I have never been content with the idea of mediocredy. Like Oscar Wilde said once, everyone can survive but it is truly rare to live. I want to live. I want to hold the world in my hand! I have big plans... and I dont want anyone to hold me back or to tie me down.
My heart warms and swells when I think about it. I dont want to have to wait for someone else to make my choices. I feel that me being single most of my life has given me the opportunity to actually do the things I want. Like I have potential in the world, and this was giving me a chance to see that I do. Like there is something Im meant to do. :)
Its nice. Ive felt single for a while... just having made it final. I love him, but again, it wont work. We want different things. Only a couple people know. My mom, My uncle and aunt, Chris, Shannon and Tynan. I dont really feel the need to tell anyone else. I dont feel like I have to broadcast it.
I dont know exactly what else to say. I wanted to get that out. I feel pretty awesome though, because Chris still cares about me. I dont want a relationship, but it's nice to know after almost 6 years he's never found anyone like me. It was like a movie... one of those romantic movies. LOL! He said he'd never gotten over me, and every girl he's ever been with since me was just a distraction. They never lasted longer than 4 months, if they got that far. I feel pretty special.
I guess it all started... me thinking about him again.. when I got a fortune cookie that said your first love never forgot about you. Which is when I decided to find him and talk to him... because I still care about him and never forgot about him. Then, he said he never did. ^^ Pretty cool. He said I was pretty unforgettable. Which is surprising because I always thought I was so normal and boring. :) But I have finally admitted it, haha, Im awesome! :) Im a catch, just takes a while to pin me down. Im not into being tied down anymore. ;)
I like being free like this. I feel like the old me again. :) Anything is possible! Im going to not look for romance anymore, if it is meant for me it will find me. :)
I aint gonna go looking for shit like that. :p
Christmas concert tonight for Katie. Haha! Should be fun. :)
Im out, gotta clean for the party this weekend.
<3
This who concept seems to keep slipping my mind. I do need a place to explain everything Ive been thinking... since my friends and I really aren't on a daily discussion basis.
So, here goes.
I broke up with Brad yesterday. I still love him, but it wasnt hurting us both to hold on. I want to go to school, which can take 4 years or more. I want to move, document, and explore the world. I just realized that if I have a teaching degree I can move to another country and teach.. might be something to look into! Id love that. :)
I want to do that though, and not have roots. Ive come to a realization that I have a problem with commitment. Which made me think about my life... and how I've been without a boyfriend my whole life until him...unlike a huge majority of my friends. Theyve all been in and our of relationships... and look at where they are. I can see things happening for them, but nothing spectacular. I feel like a glow is starting to spread around me now that Im single. It makes me think about why I was single for so long, and why I never had a guy. Everyone says that things happen for a reason. Maybe my being single was a reason.
Not being with a man has given me the power to view myself and discover who I am. I haven't been infatuated and created myself based off of who I am with at the time. I am me, and love me or leave me but that's how it's going to be.
I also have had time to think about what I really honestly want to do with my life. I have never been content with the idea of mediocredy. Like Oscar Wilde said once, everyone can survive but it is truly rare to live. I want to live. I want to hold the world in my hand! I have big plans... and I dont want anyone to hold me back or to tie me down.
My heart warms and swells when I think about it. I dont want to have to wait for someone else to make my choices. I feel that me being single most of my life has given me the opportunity to actually do the things I want. Like I have potential in the world, and this was giving me a chance to see that I do. Like there is something Im meant to do. :)
Its nice. Ive felt single for a while... just having made it final. I love him, but again, it wont work. We want different things. Only a couple people know. My mom, My uncle and aunt, Chris, Shannon and Tynan. I dont really feel the need to tell anyone else. I dont feel like I have to broadcast it.
I dont know exactly what else to say. I wanted to get that out. I feel pretty awesome though, because Chris still cares about me. I dont want a relationship, but it's nice to know after almost 6 years he's never found anyone like me. It was like a movie... one of those romantic movies. LOL! He said he'd never gotten over me, and every girl he's ever been with since me was just a distraction. They never lasted longer than 4 months, if they got that far. I feel pretty special.
I guess it all started... me thinking about him again.. when I got a fortune cookie that said your first love never forgot about you. Which is when I decided to find him and talk to him... because I still care about him and never forgot about him. Then, he said he never did. ^^ Pretty cool. He said I was pretty unforgettable. Which is surprising because I always thought I was so normal and boring. :) But I have finally admitted it, haha, Im awesome! :) Im a catch, just takes a while to pin me down. Im not into being tied down anymore. ;)
I like being free like this. I feel like the old me again. :) Anything is possible! Im going to not look for romance anymore, if it is meant for me it will find me. :)
I aint gonna go looking for shit like that. :p
Christmas concert tonight for Katie. Haha! Should be fun. :)
Im out, gotta clean for the party this weekend.
<3
Monday, August 16, 2010
Tired of that thing in human nature...
Okay. Where do I begin.
There's been a whole hell of a lot of shit going on. Still a little..rusty I guess.
I guess I started this because I really needed someone to vent to. Im honestly completely done with this house. Done, finished.
I cant believe how ridiculous my family is. Im extremely upset about this therapy bullshit. Apparently my sister brought it on herself. She's the one who did it, and shes the one who got everyone involved.
Actually, it was you. You're the one who called the cops saying she ran away. You're the one who involved the child services because you screamed at the lady and insulted her. Yeah, that's not going to make them go away. They are so ridiculous. This show was saying most people will think of troubled children in...a "deal with them" way. I agreed and said its not just a fix the child situation. It's everything. The people, the environment, the actions. The reply I got for this was that she agreed. People do it way too much. I was completely baffled. How can she be so completely blind to her own actions. Does she actually tell herself that she is doing everything right? That she is the perfect mother, that all her choices are in the best interest and her ideas are right?? Like, fuck!
Their idea of this, therapy bullshit, is that it is my sisters fault. They are doing nothing wrong, and they are giving her everything. She is the one acting badly and she is just a bad child. Cool. That's going to work. Lets just deny every single thing we do, and say it's her. We do everything right. We give her opportunities. We encourage her to go out and experience life. YA RIGHT! You do NONE of that! Stop blaming, I'm tired of it! Please, GROW UP and act like parents! You two sit. And you sit. And then, you bitch. You complain. You insult and you put down. Im tired of it. Stop denying everything. You will sit there and tell me to my face that you dont leave things laying around. You dont just sit all day. You dont insult your children and you dont act more like children then parents.
Oh, wait.
My bad. You will, after an hour of denying, say if I do it, everyone else does. Real mature. Followed by a couple more hours of you complaining and snapping back making the conversation go absolutely no where but in circles.
Either that, or you will just shut off and then later say everyone blames YOU and everyone thinks YOU are the only problem. Wow, maybe you could take a step back and see that's what you have been doing for years to my poor 16 year old sister! Im disgusted.
You are those people who should have NEVER had kids. No worries, people, you will know my feelings the second she returns. Seeing as you have no home therapy until SHE is here. Because, clearly, that's the only fucking reason you're having them.
So after I bring this up to my mother, and she continues to go on about how my sister brought it on to herself...
How is that to talk about a kid anyway? A teenager, still growing and learning... you treat her with such disrespect and lack of luck...you make me sick. It happened with me, and Im sick of seeing it happening to my baby sister. Be parents, not fourth graders.
Im all over the place...
The reason Im here is because my pathetic step dad continues to yell at my other sister and antagonize her. Annoying, yes. But today she asked for some chocolate and he proceeded to tell her it's unhealthy for her and bad. I held my tongue until she was in her room, in bed. Then I told them that chocolate is, in fact, not unhealthy for you. I didn't want them to lie to her, because it is a lie. They argue that it is bad, and then my mother stands up swearing under her breath about how I always start arguments and continues to complain all the way to the car until they leave. Awesome right? After my anger has subsided, it makes me sad.
All of this makes me sad.
The last couple of days I've been feeling incredibly stupid, and bored. Nothing to stimulate my brain or anything. Nothing to learn, and no way to grow.
But because of this, I feel so sad inside. For them mostly.
They are that dumb. Like, I think I'm dumb. And the way they act, and the things they say they say they know, it's sad. It only increases the theory they are still both children inside.
Their maturity level is so low, and their arrogance is extremely high. It makes me sad, and I feel pitty.
My writing is pretty shitty this time, and it's not saying much for me.. but hell. I just have to get it off my chest somehow, right?
Boyfriend and I are still together. : )
<3
Knee is finished, Im just waiting for it to heal. September 22nd is the day I fly out. I haven't told him yet, I want to surprise him. :) So stoked!
This physio though might be holding me back...
If they say I cant get on a plane then, Im gonna have to book it back to October. Which, may I say, SUCKS BALLS! That will mean that in the last YEAR I have only been with him for a month.
Quite a despicable fate.
Soon though. :) I will be in his arms. (:
So happy. ^^ You have NO idea. haha! Who am I even talking to?
Im done for the night, leg is starting to hurt.
<3
There's been a whole hell of a lot of shit going on. Still a little..rusty I guess.
I guess I started this because I really needed someone to vent to. Im honestly completely done with this house. Done, finished.
I cant believe how ridiculous my family is. Im extremely upset about this therapy bullshit. Apparently my sister brought it on herself. She's the one who did it, and shes the one who got everyone involved.
Actually, it was you. You're the one who called the cops saying she ran away. You're the one who involved the child services because you screamed at the lady and insulted her. Yeah, that's not going to make them go away. They are so ridiculous. This show was saying most people will think of troubled children in...a "deal with them" way. I agreed and said its not just a fix the child situation. It's everything. The people, the environment, the actions. The reply I got for this was that she agreed. People do it way too much. I was completely baffled. How can she be so completely blind to her own actions. Does she actually tell herself that she is doing everything right? That she is the perfect mother, that all her choices are in the best interest and her ideas are right?? Like, fuck!
Their idea of this, therapy bullshit, is that it is my sisters fault. They are doing nothing wrong, and they are giving her everything. She is the one acting badly and she is just a bad child. Cool. That's going to work. Lets just deny every single thing we do, and say it's her. We do everything right. We give her opportunities. We encourage her to go out and experience life. YA RIGHT! You do NONE of that! Stop blaming, I'm tired of it! Please, GROW UP and act like parents! You two sit. And you sit. And then, you bitch. You complain. You insult and you put down. Im tired of it. Stop denying everything. You will sit there and tell me to my face that you dont leave things laying around. You dont just sit all day. You dont insult your children and you dont act more like children then parents.
Oh, wait.
My bad. You will, after an hour of denying, say if I do it, everyone else does. Real mature. Followed by a couple more hours of you complaining and snapping back making the conversation go absolutely no where but in circles.
Either that, or you will just shut off and then later say everyone blames YOU and everyone thinks YOU are the only problem. Wow, maybe you could take a step back and see that's what you have been doing for years to my poor 16 year old sister! Im disgusted.
You are those people who should have NEVER had kids. No worries, people, you will know my feelings the second she returns. Seeing as you have no home therapy until SHE is here. Because, clearly, that's the only fucking reason you're having them.
So after I bring this up to my mother, and she continues to go on about how my sister brought it on to herself...
How is that to talk about a kid anyway? A teenager, still growing and learning... you treat her with such disrespect and lack of luck...you make me sick. It happened with me, and Im sick of seeing it happening to my baby sister. Be parents, not fourth graders.
Im all over the place...
The reason Im here is because my pathetic step dad continues to yell at my other sister and antagonize her. Annoying, yes. But today she asked for some chocolate and he proceeded to tell her it's unhealthy for her and bad. I held my tongue until she was in her room, in bed. Then I told them that chocolate is, in fact, not unhealthy for you. I didn't want them to lie to her, because it is a lie. They argue that it is bad, and then my mother stands up swearing under her breath about how I always start arguments and continues to complain all the way to the car until they leave. Awesome right? After my anger has subsided, it makes me sad.
All of this makes me sad.
The last couple of days I've been feeling incredibly stupid, and bored. Nothing to stimulate my brain or anything. Nothing to learn, and no way to grow.
But because of this, I feel so sad inside. For them mostly.
They are that dumb. Like, I think I'm dumb. And the way they act, and the things they say they say they know, it's sad. It only increases the theory they are still both children inside.
Their maturity level is so low, and their arrogance is extremely high. It makes me sad, and I feel pitty.
My writing is pretty shitty this time, and it's not saying much for me.. but hell. I just have to get it off my chest somehow, right?
Boyfriend and I are still together. : )
<3
Knee is finished, Im just waiting for it to heal. September 22nd is the day I fly out. I haven't told him yet, I want to surprise him. :) So stoked!
This physio though might be holding me back...
If they say I cant get on a plane then, Im gonna have to book it back to October. Which, may I say, SUCKS BALLS! That will mean that in the last YEAR I have only been with him for a month.
Quite a despicable fate.
Soon though. :) I will be in his arms. (:
So happy. ^^ You have NO idea. haha! Who am I even talking to?
Im done for the night, leg is starting to hurt.
<3
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Teach me sax?
Seems as though 420 made me particularly emotional.
I doubt that I get away with acting like that, no one should. When you're moody, you shouldn't take it out on other people.
Things built up, like my status said.
Ive pushed it away, out of my mind since I left that house. It's built up, and built up and on that particular day it exploded.
I exploded.
The feelings of isolation, being ignored, not important. Insignificant.
Not cool feelings.
I dont really have a single person to turn to here. Sure, my uncle and aunt are cool about listening to me, but it's not the same. It's not that bestfriend who you know has your back and will carry you through anything. That boyfriend who will love you no matter how crazy you act. That emotional support I needed but couldnt find in anyone really.
Sure, my mom helped, but that was in text.
I just hate how I've only really had one friend who has been there every single day for me. Him making the effort, as well as me instead of me making the effort constantly getting disappointed.
Its frustrating.
And now it's even worse because that one guy I thought was my friend. One that would be there if I needed him... is saying that I wasnt supporting of him.
WTF?!
Yeah. Im pretty pissed... and I dont understand why. I messaged him.. and am questioning if it was a good choice. Usually you shouldn't if your emotions are in the way. But I think I handled it okay..
I explained what happened when I was there, when I left, how I felt. I think I did it responsibly.. but I still question it.
I want to be his friend still.. but ugh.
It's so stupid.
Why cant he just grow up and stop thinking about himself. Thats what he does! He thinks about himself and is oblivious to other people. It's rediculous. I tell him when he's fucking up, and Im not there to tell him..
Im sure other people will tell him. But last time I checked, the other level headed friend he has is too scared to tell him anything.
He was acting immature and flakey. She wouldnt tell him, even after I told her she should. So, what happened? I told him. Bluntly.
If I hadnt, he wouldnt have known. Oblivious, and he needs to get told this shit. I dont understand.
I want to be his friend, but if he's not going to give a shit about a friend that has done a shit load for him... then he's not worth my time.
I want to say Im sorry to another friend.. who I was a little raw with. I didnt hold back my feelings and with everything she happened to say, it only angered me more and made me feel more obsolete. I shouldnt have said the things I did, and I know this. I am not the only one at fault, speaking rationally, but I do need to apologize for what I said. She is a great friend, and I care a lot about her. I hope she knows this, and will forgive me. <3
I was talking though, to that friend I said was there since day one.
He agreed. And I know when people move, people drift apart. But my best friend in the entire world, is still my best friend.
She lives in Washington, soon to move to Hawaii with her boyfriend. We dont see eachother often, but are so close. We stay in contact constantly and I love her to peices. She's moody, she's flakey, but she's my best friend. My other best friend and I are also still best friends, she also lives in Washington. I adore her.
If we can still be friends after I moved, why cant people from Sidney keep in contact? I have a freaking facebook to keep up with you guys! Is it so hard to reply to a wall post? Really?
Kind of rediculous people.
I love trident layers!
Haha, sorry. Commersial. (Darn not having FoxFire and spell checking..)
Anyway. I feel very left out of peoples lives just because I wanted to be in love. Really? Lamesauce.
I think some people just need to put in an effort to friendship more often.. Im tired of doing everything.
I might write another one of these later, Im bored of it now.
It's lunch time anyways.
: ) Bacon for lunch! Hurray! <3
I doubt that I get away with acting like that, no one should. When you're moody, you shouldn't take it out on other people.
Things built up, like my status said.
Ive pushed it away, out of my mind since I left that house. It's built up, and built up and on that particular day it exploded.
I exploded.
The feelings of isolation, being ignored, not important. Insignificant.
Not cool feelings.
I dont really have a single person to turn to here. Sure, my uncle and aunt are cool about listening to me, but it's not the same. It's not that bestfriend who you know has your back and will carry you through anything. That boyfriend who will love you no matter how crazy you act. That emotional support I needed but couldnt find in anyone really.
Sure, my mom helped, but that was in text.
I just hate how I've only really had one friend who has been there every single day for me. Him making the effort, as well as me instead of me making the effort constantly getting disappointed.
Its frustrating.
And now it's even worse because that one guy I thought was my friend. One that would be there if I needed him... is saying that I wasnt supporting of him.
WTF?!
Yeah. Im pretty pissed... and I dont understand why. I messaged him.. and am questioning if it was a good choice. Usually you shouldn't if your emotions are in the way. But I think I handled it okay..
I explained what happened when I was there, when I left, how I felt. I think I did it responsibly.. but I still question it.
I want to be his friend still.. but ugh.
It's so stupid.
Why cant he just grow up and stop thinking about himself. Thats what he does! He thinks about himself and is oblivious to other people. It's rediculous. I tell him when he's fucking up, and Im not there to tell him..
Im sure other people will tell him. But last time I checked, the other level headed friend he has is too scared to tell him anything.
He was acting immature and flakey. She wouldnt tell him, even after I told her she should. So, what happened? I told him. Bluntly.
If I hadnt, he wouldnt have known. Oblivious, and he needs to get told this shit. I dont understand.
I want to be his friend, but if he's not going to give a shit about a friend that has done a shit load for him... then he's not worth my time.
I want to say Im sorry to another friend.. who I was a little raw with. I didnt hold back my feelings and with everything she happened to say, it only angered me more and made me feel more obsolete. I shouldnt have said the things I did, and I know this. I am not the only one at fault, speaking rationally, but I do need to apologize for what I said. She is a great friend, and I care a lot about her. I hope she knows this, and will forgive me. <3
I was talking though, to that friend I said was there since day one.
He agreed. And I know when people move, people drift apart. But my best friend in the entire world, is still my best friend.
She lives in Washington, soon to move to Hawaii with her boyfriend. We dont see eachother often, but are so close. We stay in contact constantly and I love her to peices. She's moody, she's flakey, but she's my best friend. My other best friend and I are also still best friends, she also lives in Washington. I adore her.
If we can still be friends after I moved, why cant people from Sidney keep in contact? I have a freaking facebook to keep up with you guys! Is it so hard to reply to a wall post? Really?
Kind of rediculous people.
I love trident layers!
Haha, sorry. Commersial. (Darn not having FoxFire and spell checking..)
Anyway. I feel very left out of peoples lives just because I wanted to be in love. Really? Lamesauce.
I think some people just need to put in an effort to friendship more often.. Im tired of doing everything.
I might write another one of these later, Im bored of it now.
It's lunch time anyways.
: ) Bacon for lunch! Hurray! <3
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Im a little mermaid
My first day back at McDs. It's weird because it feels like home when I go there. Maybe because I miss home so much... even the littlest thing that I was doing there will make me feel that little bit more comfortable in a land I have no idea how to control.
Im in a place that I dont even know the names of the streets, the people, the shops and what to do when I wake up. I really would like to actually close at these McDs... maybe close the WalMart one... then it's not as late but still closing. : )
I dont know.
I miss him.
Seems I always get really deep when I actually sit and write out my feelings instead of worrying about the time. It's not even 10... I have time. : ) Not leaving till 3.
So, I'm pretty sure I walked by Rachel McAddams the other day. I talked to my uncle and he said she's building a house near here and his friends at work have talked to her walking around town. Apparently she loves it here and you can see her a lot in town.
Kinda crazy.
Ive been talking a lot with Jim lately. My uncle.
We've actually talked about some really deep things. It's kinda cool. I just had a really upsetting talk one time.. he was kinda drunk.. and yeah. Not so fun. Bout his mom and my mom. Him saying his mom tries to make it so everyone is part of the family... well my mom doesn't feel that way. Granted, she feels really rejected by everyone because of her past. But, it's not my mom's fault. His mom actually said she didn't want us to come to the wedding of my other uncle. Like, that really doesn't reinforce the idea that she is wanting us to be part of the family. I dont get families like this anymore. Where there is so much drama, and stress, and discomfort.
I was so happy coming to my Uncles. They are so relaxed, his wife's parents. They're amazing. The first time I met them I did not feel any discomfort or uneasiness. I was able to just talk and talk when I first met them. They never reject anyone, and actually think I'm a great person. I heard the story about them meeting my uncle. They didnt think twice about if he was good for her or not. I wish there was more families like that.
I know, myself, I have been protective and not wanted to accept who my family has chosen. But, honestly, it's not my choice to make. They have found an attraction, they have found something good about this person that I dont know about. I cant pick that up like they did. My boyfriend, my family doesnt like him sometimes. They have come to like him now, but before it was all negative. I know there is something great about him, they didnt know about. I love him and there is a reason for that. If someone in my family picks someone to be with, they have a reason. I need to trust that, and just be there when things go awry, if they even do.
That's one of the many discoveries I've made living with my uncle. The other is that jealousy is a completely wasted emotion. Why should I be jealous of that girl who walks by, or that model on the page. He's not with them, he doesnt want them, he doesnt love them or crave them. Why do I even worry about it?
It's been a year, and we've been through so much shit... why do I even worry about another girl being pretty? It's not really her fault she's that pretty. It's genes, well, that and hard work. Who wouldnt be attracted to them? The fact that he choses to be beside me and love me, and not chase them is what I need to keep in mind. I mean the world to him, he said so. Jealousy is a waste of my time.
Im not 100% over it, but Im getting there. : )
I dont understand either... why people can not like someone without really knowing them. Like, my stepdad... why does no one really like him? He's not immature and lazy and childish. He's growing up and stuff... he works hard and supports a full family. Like an actual full family. 2 teenage girls and a baby girl. Not even getting to raise the teenagers, he just jumped into it full hearted. How can people think he's a bad person and not like him? It's not fair. I dont like how people can do that.
Well Im gonna get another cup of coffee now!
Im in a place that I dont even know the names of the streets, the people, the shops and what to do when I wake up. I really would like to actually close at these McDs... maybe close the WalMart one... then it's not as late but still closing. : )
I dont know.
I miss him.
Seems I always get really deep when I actually sit and write out my feelings instead of worrying about the time. It's not even 10... I have time. : ) Not leaving till 3.
So, I'm pretty sure I walked by Rachel McAddams the other day. I talked to my uncle and he said she's building a house near here and his friends at work have talked to her walking around town. Apparently she loves it here and you can see her a lot in town.
Kinda crazy.
Ive been talking a lot with Jim lately. My uncle.
We've actually talked about some really deep things. It's kinda cool. I just had a really upsetting talk one time.. he was kinda drunk.. and yeah. Not so fun. Bout his mom and my mom. Him saying his mom tries to make it so everyone is part of the family... well my mom doesn't feel that way. Granted, she feels really rejected by everyone because of her past. But, it's not my mom's fault. His mom actually said she didn't want us to come to the wedding of my other uncle. Like, that really doesn't reinforce the idea that she is wanting us to be part of the family. I dont get families like this anymore. Where there is so much drama, and stress, and discomfort.
I was so happy coming to my Uncles. They are so relaxed, his wife's parents. They're amazing. The first time I met them I did not feel any discomfort or uneasiness. I was able to just talk and talk when I first met them. They never reject anyone, and actually think I'm a great person. I heard the story about them meeting my uncle. They didnt think twice about if he was good for her or not. I wish there was more families like that.
I know, myself, I have been protective and not wanted to accept who my family has chosen. But, honestly, it's not my choice to make. They have found an attraction, they have found something good about this person that I dont know about. I cant pick that up like they did. My boyfriend, my family doesnt like him sometimes. They have come to like him now, but before it was all negative. I know there is something great about him, they didnt know about. I love him and there is a reason for that. If someone in my family picks someone to be with, they have a reason. I need to trust that, and just be there when things go awry, if they even do.
That's one of the many discoveries I've made living with my uncle. The other is that jealousy is a completely wasted emotion. Why should I be jealous of that girl who walks by, or that model on the page. He's not with them, he doesnt want them, he doesnt love them or crave them. Why do I even worry about it?
It's been a year, and we've been through so much shit... why do I even worry about another girl being pretty? It's not really her fault she's that pretty. It's genes, well, that and hard work. Who wouldnt be attracted to them? The fact that he choses to be beside me and love me, and not chase them is what I need to keep in mind. I mean the world to him, he said so. Jealousy is a waste of my time.
Im not 100% over it, but Im getting there. : )
I dont understand either... why people can not like someone without really knowing them. Like, my stepdad... why does no one really like him? He's not immature and lazy and childish. He's growing up and stuff... he works hard and supports a full family. Like an actual full family. 2 teenage girls and a baby girl. Not even getting to raise the teenagers, he just jumped into it full hearted. How can people think he's a bad person and not like him? It's not fair. I dont like how people can do that.
Well Im gonna get another cup of coffee now!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Prospects
New haircut.
New job.
New perspective on life.
: )
And, guess what?
Coming to good ol' BC in April. : ) More towards May, but yeah. : ) See you then!
New job.
New perspective on life.
: )
And, guess what?
Coming to good ol' BC in April. : ) More towards May, but yeah. : ) See you then!
Monday, March 22, 2010
8..6..7..5..3..0........niiiiiiiiineee :p
I went to see him. : )
On the 16th. Our anniversary of one year.
It was a surprise, which I kind of regret now. He said he would have called in sick to work... so we could have spent time together...more than 30 minutes.
As much as it sucked to only see him for a short period of time... it was amazing to see him again.
I miss him so much... blah. Im really starting to feel disgust for the seperation. It's been a month since I've seen him... and it's really not cool. He said to hold on, because this is only making us stronger... but it's no fun. I dont even know... I'm so rambling.
Ramble.
Ramble.
Ramble.
Blah.
I had an allergic reaction last night... pretty awesome. Swelled up my throat..
Yep. Preeeeettty awesome.
I had an interview. : ) For management. : ) Pretty excited. I think that I might get it... and it pays way more than lame jobs. Like my previous lame job. : )
Hope I can get it... would be lovely.
Again.
Rambling.
I think I'm done.
On the 16th. Our anniversary of one year.
It was a surprise, which I kind of regret now. He said he would have called in sick to work... so we could have spent time together...more than 30 minutes.
As much as it sucked to only see him for a short period of time... it was amazing to see him again.
I miss him so much... blah. Im really starting to feel disgust for the seperation. It's been a month since I've seen him... and it's really not cool. He said to hold on, because this is only making us stronger... but it's no fun. I dont even know... I'm so rambling.
Ramble.
Ramble.
Ramble.
Blah.
I had an allergic reaction last night... pretty awesome. Swelled up my throat..
Yep. Preeeeettty awesome.
I had an interview. : ) For management. : ) Pretty excited. I think that I might get it... and it pays way more than lame jobs. Like my previous lame job. : )
Hope I can get it... would be lovely.
Again.
Rambling.
I think I'm done.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Just....Ugh.
Haha. Brad got my t4 in the mail yesterday...and a note from Grant (the owner of the Sidney Mcds...) saying that he would have a job if I came back! : ) We both had a good laugh about that.
So. I hate my job....sooo much. Dislike it so much I am..like I've said. Applying to McDs again. XD Funny...me thinks.
Least it's better than where I work now. :/ So slow and lame there.
I want to quit badly. Just be like, not working out. I'll finish the week, but after that, peace.
Course, I need to talk to Lorna and Jim about it. I am living with them... and they are paying for me to live and eat atm. I just...ugh. I'm not being whiney. Maybe a little bit, but it's hurting my knee hella! After 4 hours! D: How is that good?!
I dont even want to talk right now.
I have to do some bullshit workshop training online for my job. Lame. It's really really really boring and I want to fall asleep. Mostly because it's all things I know already...
So. I hate my job....sooo much. Dislike it so much I am..like I've said. Applying to McDs again. XD Funny...me thinks.
Least it's better than where I work now. :/ So slow and lame there.
I want to quit badly. Just be like, not working out. I'll finish the week, but after that, peace.
Course, I need to talk to Lorna and Jim about it. I am living with them... and they are paying for me to live and eat atm. I just...ugh. I'm not being whiney. Maybe a little bit, but it's hurting my knee hella! After 4 hours! D: How is that good?!
I dont even want to talk right now.
I have to do some bullshit workshop training online for my job. Lame. It's really really really boring and I want to fall asleep. Mostly because it's all things I know already...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Pick, pick, PICKERING
Alright well...
I finished work. 3 Days of work finished.
I hate my boss. He's a ...an idiot.
He will contradict himself hourly.
He blames me for things I never did.
He expects me to know things, and then treats me like I know nothing.
Then he rushes me through training, and expects me to remember all the prices.
It's... dumb.
I dislike it.
I actually dislike it so much, I've applied to the McDonalds here. Sad? Me thinks.
Also, I think that Mcd's is being retarded in BC. They wont hire my sister because...of just that. She's my sister. They said I left on bad terms... how exactly does that affect her? She wasnt involved. Stupid. They also wont hire Brad back...why?
Because apparently I said something about Nicole, and Grant found out what I supposedly said... and now he refuses to hire either of us.
Really????? Are you KIDDING ME!? They are not involved! And what is even stupider... is that Nicole asked me about it... TO MY FACE AND I TOLD HER WHAT IT WAS! It wasnt about her... FUUUUCK! But instead, she just says it is anyways. Im so mad. I lost the job at Boston Pizza because of it too, Im sure.
I am so mad about it. I want to actually fly there and punch them in the face.
Really...what kind of person runs a business like that??
Either way... Im making money. Just have to walk an hour there and an hour back... and start work at 7 starting next week. Awesome right??
Going into Pickering tonight. SUPER STOKED!
I really like being here...it's super cool. : )
I'm also debating moving back into the barrie area... or maybe down in Oshawa.
:D Might be cool! Could always check out Port Perry also. I mean, I'd like to have a job somewhere bigger...but have a place to live in a quieter place...
Oh well, it will work out. : )
IM OUT! Getting ready for Pickering. : D
I finished work. 3 Days of work finished.
I hate my boss. He's a ...an idiot.
He will contradict himself hourly.
He blames me for things I never did.
He expects me to know things, and then treats me like I know nothing.
Then he rushes me through training, and expects me to remember all the prices.
It's... dumb.
I dislike it.
I actually dislike it so much, I've applied to the McDonalds here. Sad? Me thinks.
Also, I think that Mcd's is being retarded in BC. They wont hire my sister because...of just that. She's my sister. They said I left on bad terms... how exactly does that affect her? She wasnt involved. Stupid. They also wont hire Brad back...why?
Because apparently I said something about Nicole, and Grant found out what I supposedly said... and now he refuses to hire either of us.
Really????? Are you KIDDING ME!? They are not involved! And what is even stupider... is that Nicole asked me about it... TO MY FACE AND I TOLD HER WHAT IT WAS! It wasnt about her... FUUUUCK! But instead, she just says it is anyways. Im so mad. I lost the job at Boston Pizza because of it too, Im sure.
I am so mad about it. I want to actually fly there and punch them in the face.
Really...what kind of person runs a business like that??
Either way... Im making money. Just have to walk an hour there and an hour back... and start work at 7 starting next week. Awesome right??
Going into Pickering tonight. SUPER STOKED!
I really like being here...it's super cool. : )
I'm also debating moving back into the barrie area... or maybe down in Oshawa.
:D Might be cool! Could always check out Port Perry also. I mean, I'd like to have a job somewhere bigger...but have a place to live in a quieter place...
Oh well, it will work out. : )
IM OUT! Getting ready for Pickering. : D
Monday, March 8, 2010
Busy beee
First day of work today!
:S
Im not too worried in the working part... Im more worried about the hour it takes to walk there. xD
Update when I return!
:S
Im not too worried in the working part... Im more worried about the hour it takes to walk there. xD
Update when I return!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Till we meet again.
: )
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GK-193557&page=2&cgname=OSCLODRSBLK&rfnbr=3198
March 16th is our anni. I want to be able to look good in this when I go and see him. : ) Then again, I should maybe save that for when it's more summer. Either way, I want it.
In 3 weeks, a lot can happen. <3
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GK-193557&page=2&cgname=OSCLODRSBLK&rfnbr=3198
March 16th is our anni. I want to be able to look good in this when I go and see him. : ) Then again, I should maybe save that for when it's more summer. Either way, I want it.
In 3 weeks, a lot can happen. <3
Monday, March 1, 2010
Proud : D
Wuddup?
: )
Im really nervous..and not very thrilled for next week. But its work...and that makes money. That's all I should really worry about. I need to save money, and by doing this I can. I would just REALLY like it if Boston Pizza would call me! D: I just want to waitress...like common! Tips would be easy for me since Im real good at working and helping people. : )
And if I get this...I can save up and go to Europe and New York like I want to! And even go back home to see everyone. : ) I miss everyone. :( But, saddly... with how everything is going it seems my trip would have to be pushed back. :( Depressing...but probably going to happen.
Which I really really dislike, because I miss gucky real bad! :( And everyone else of course. : )
Yesterday we rearranged... my room. :) They actually call it my room. Said I'm gonna be here for a long time, and they are debating letting me leave at all. As a joke of course, but it makes me feel good. :) Im wanted, and Katie said the other day that she doesnt want me to go either. Silly little girl.
Liam, is adorable! he likes me lots, and it's so cute. He's a womans kinda guy. xD Even now..before he's two he's really into women. Really likes the swim suit mags. :P Such a cutie.
Id post pictures of them..but I've been told not to. Which is totally understandable. Its actually cool to find some people who dont want their kids faces all over the internet. : )
Well... Im gonna go and try the ab rocket. xD They have one...so I figured why not try it? Jim says it works. :)
Btw, last night, I loved the ceremony. It was funny! And it was so BC... simply Canadian. But mostly BC. I really enjoyed when Shatner came...and Michael J. Fox. :) It must have been so hard for him to speak like that... he's so far along but doing amazing. He looks amazing too. :) Inspiring thats for sure! When i feel I cant do something, Im going to just think of him. Other inspiring people too of course, but he's a new one to think of. : )
K well.... rocketing away!
<3 Love my bby cakes!
: )
Im really nervous..and not very thrilled for next week. But its work...and that makes money. That's all I should really worry about. I need to save money, and by doing this I can. I would just REALLY like it if Boston Pizza would call me! D: I just want to waitress...like common! Tips would be easy for me since Im real good at working and helping people. : )
And if I get this...I can save up and go to Europe and New York like I want to! And even go back home to see everyone. : ) I miss everyone. :( But, saddly... with how everything is going it seems my trip would have to be pushed back. :( Depressing...but probably going to happen.
Which I really really dislike, because I miss gucky real bad! :( And everyone else of course. : )
Yesterday we rearranged... my room. :) They actually call it my room. Said I'm gonna be here for a long time, and they are debating letting me leave at all. As a joke of course, but it makes me feel good. :) Im wanted, and Katie said the other day that she doesnt want me to go either. Silly little girl.
Liam, is adorable! he likes me lots, and it's so cute. He's a womans kinda guy. xD Even now..before he's two he's really into women. Really likes the swim suit mags. :P Such a cutie.
Id post pictures of them..but I've been told not to. Which is totally understandable. Its actually cool to find some people who dont want their kids faces all over the internet. : )
Well... Im gonna go and try the ab rocket. xD They have one...so I figured why not try it? Jim says it works. :)
Btw, last night, I loved the ceremony. It was funny! And it was so BC... simply Canadian. But mostly BC. I really enjoyed when Shatner came...and Michael J. Fox. :) It must have been so hard for him to speak like that... he's so far along but doing amazing. He looks amazing too. :) Inspiring thats for sure! When i feel I cant do something, Im going to just think of him. Other inspiring people too of course, but he's a new one to think of. : )
K well.... rocketing away!
<3 Love my bby cakes!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Allie's Secret ; )
Kinda dumb having a place I came to write to get things off my chest...where I never worried about what it said...I now have to watch what I say.
Pretty dumb.
People should... mind their own business? Yeah, that works.
Life's pretty awesome except for the lack of boyfriend. :( I miss him. A lot.
Im really torn inside about it too. I've been struggling to understand why Im hated...so suddenly. Maybe it was already there and I didnt notice...maybe it was slowly coming and I didnt see the signs. I dont know.
I do know, that it's pretty unjust.
Im supposed to ignore what other people say because they're just emotional and angry...
but if it's me..then it's taken full heartedly. Every thing I say is made to be ... sudden truth of how I feel. When really, I say a lot of shit out of spite and anger in the moment.
Happened all the time as a kid, told my family I hate them.
I dont. They're amazing. I said it though, and they knew it's just the heat of the moment.
Why dont other people understand that? They can say it and it's just emotions, but I cant.
Trey gay.
Im pretty much over it though. Not my fault.
All I gotta do is get my jobs lined up. Got 2, now I just need a P/T weekend job. :)
Here's my plan:
Once I get paid I wont walk an hour to work, but take a cab.
Country Time in the morning.
Boston Pizza in the evening.
Golf course on the weekends. Hopefully it all lines up. :)
Also, my savings plan!
Im going to open up three new savings accounts.
:)
One: Savings for my trip back to BC. <3
Two: My trip to New York with Jori. <3 Pre-wedding thing for her.
Three: My trip to Europe. I wanna go with my sister and maybe two friends. See the world, backpacking... It's an experience I would have LOVED my big sister to take me on if I had one... hope she'd enjoy it the same way.
Four: Savings for an apartment and life without a job post surgery.
I say four because I already have a savings account opened. :)
Yes. It's quite a lot of money to be saved. But the Europe thing wont happen for at least 2 years...and the NY wont happen for a year or so.
And I have 6 or 7 months until the others.
Ill put priority with saves on account four and one. :)
I calculated that I can save up to 2k for the apartment thing..in 6 months and I havent done the calculating for BC yet. But! I dont have to worry about rent yet..because my uncle said not to worry about it. He's worried about me getting on my feet and being able to stand alone.
Haha...side note! This makes me giggle. Im sitting here crosslegged on a chair away from the computer with the wireless keyboard. Looking at the tv and watching it...while I type. Makes me laugh because if Brad saw me right now he'd be angry. :P He hated that I can type on my phone and the computer without looking...and yet so fast.
Back to the rest. My uncle and aunt are wanting me to save as much as I possibly can for life. Im ready for that. :) I am ready to rake in the cash and store it all up. Without rent, for now, it's not going to be that hard. :) Hopefully I can get the jobs I want. I already have Country Time lined up for the mornings, got hired today. :) Training for BP starts the last day of my work week I have planned...or they gave me. :) It sucks..but my first day isn't until the 9th of March. It will work out though.
This Saturday I get to go to the job fair for the golf course. I will apply for full time nights though, because if BP falls through I can have that. If not, Ill just change it to PT weekends. :) How epic would that be if Im working 3 jobs? THREE cash flows. Ha!
Yes..I could get worn out easy...
But I'm going to pace myself. I mean...I don't know. All of the places I would be going to...will be upbeat. :) Each day isn't going to be like another, which I like.
Now I just need to work on having the memory I need. xD CT doesn't have the screens Mcdicks did. Gonna have to remember 4 orders in a row..yay me! I'm sure I can do it. :)
I have a big problem though.
I plan things out...way too much. Because of it, when things on my list don't happen, I get depressed. I need to move past that.
Woah. I just noticed that my keyboard has a clock on it... WTF?!
I dont wanna talk amymore... I think I've updated you all so far.
By all...I mean my BFFS...who I believe should know about my life.
So bugger off.
Pretty dumb.
People should... mind their own business? Yeah, that works.
Life's pretty awesome except for the lack of boyfriend. :( I miss him. A lot.
Im really torn inside about it too. I've been struggling to understand why Im hated...so suddenly. Maybe it was already there and I didnt notice...maybe it was slowly coming and I didnt see the signs. I dont know.
I do know, that it's pretty unjust.
Im supposed to ignore what other people say because they're just emotional and angry...
but if it's me..then it's taken full heartedly. Every thing I say is made to be ... sudden truth of how I feel. When really, I say a lot of shit out of spite and anger in the moment.
Happened all the time as a kid, told my family I hate them.
I dont. They're amazing. I said it though, and they knew it's just the heat of the moment.
Why dont other people understand that? They can say it and it's just emotions, but I cant.
Trey gay.
Im pretty much over it though. Not my fault.
All I gotta do is get my jobs lined up. Got 2, now I just need a P/T weekend job. :)
Here's my plan:
Once I get paid I wont walk an hour to work, but take a cab.
Country Time in the morning.
Boston Pizza in the evening.
Golf course on the weekends. Hopefully it all lines up. :)
Also, my savings plan!
Im going to open up three new savings accounts.
:)
One: Savings for my trip back to BC. <3
Two: My trip to New York with Jori. <3 Pre-wedding thing for her.
Three: My trip to Europe. I wanna go with my sister and maybe two friends. See the world, backpacking... It's an experience I would have LOVED my big sister to take me on if I had one... hope she'd enjoy it the same way.
Four: Savings for an apartment and life without a job post surgery.
I say four because I already have a savings account opened. :)
Yes. It's quite a lot of money to be saved. But the Europe thing wont happen for at least 2 years...and the NY wont happen for a year or so.
And I have 6 or 7 months until the others.
Ill put priority with saves on account four and one. :)
I calculated that I can save up to 2k for the apartment thing..in 6 months and I havent done the calculating for BC yet. But! I dont have to worry about rent yet..because my uncle said not to worry about it. He's worried about me getting on my feet and being able to stand alone.
Haha...side note! This makes me giggle. Im sitting here crosslegged on a chair away from the computer with the wireless keyboard. Looking at the tv and watching it...while I type. Makes me laugh because if Brad saw me right now he'd be angry. :P He hated that I can type on my phone and the computer without looking...and yet so fast.
Back to the rest. My uncle and aunt are wanting me to save as much as I possibly can for life. Im ready for that. :) I am ready to rake in the cash and store it all up. Without rent, for now, it's not going to be that hard. :) Hopefully I can get the jobs I want. I already have Country Time lined up for the mornings, got hired today. :) Training for BP starts the last day of my work week I have planned...or they gave me. :) It sucks..but my first day isn't until the 9th of March. It will work out though.
This Saturday I get to go to the job fair for the golf course. I will apply for full time nights though, because if BP falls through I can have that. If not, Ill just change it to PT weekends. :) How epic would that be if Im working 3 jobs? THREE cash flows. Ha!
Yes..I could get worn out easy...
But I'm going to pace myself. I mean...I don't know. All of the places I would be going to...will be upbeat. :) Each day isn't going to be like another, which I like.
Now I just need to work on having the memory I need. xD CT doesn't have the screens Mcdicks did. Gonna have to remember 4 orders in a row..yay me! I'm sure I can do it. :)
I have a big problem though.
I plan things out...way too much. Because of it, when things on my list don't happen, I get depressed. I need to move past that.
Woah. I just noticed that my keyboard has a clock on it... WTF?!
I dont wanna talk amymore... I think I've updated you all so far.
By all...I mean my BFFS...who I believe should know about my life.
So bugger off.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
No ones here.
I hate you. I hate you for everything you do.
I hate you for everything you've done.
You can never say the right thing.
You can never do the right thing.
You're full of things I dispise.
You disgust me.
When I see you, I wish I hadnt.
I wish we never met.
I hate how you smile.
I hate how you smell.
I regret everything you've done.
Repulse.
I hate you.
Why cant you change?
Why cant you be what I want?
What happened?
What went wrong when you were conceived?
Why do I hate you?
Why do I hate your everything?
I hate you.
I wish you lived up to their standards.
I wish you could make him love you.
I wish you would make a difference to someone.
I wish you mattered.
I hate how your hair fall around your face.
I hate how you cant get what you crave.
I hate how you cant get him.
I hate when he turns on you, and you feel it's your fault.
Stand up for yourself.
Be a woman. Please.
I wish you didnt love him.
I wish you couldnt love him.
Why.
Why does everything he says make your heart beat?
Why is he the reason you wake up?
Why does he matter?
I hate that he matters.
I hate that you care.
I hate how no matter what, you cant let go of him.
I hate you.
It's not a fairytale.
Grow up.
He doesnt love you.
Please.
Grow up.
I hate you.
I hate you for everything you've done.
You can never say the right thing.
You can never do the right thing.
You're full of things I dispise.
You disgust me.
When I see you, I wish I hadnt.
I wish we never met.
I hate how you smile.
I hate how you smell.
I regret everything you've done.
Repulse.
I hate you.
Why cant you change?
Why cant you be what I want?
What happened?
What went wrong when you were conceived?
Why do I hate you?
Why do I hate your everything?
I hate you.
I wish you lived up to their standards.
I wish you could make him love you.
I wish you would make a difference to someone.
I wish you mattered.
I hate how your hair fall around your face.
I hate how you cant get what you crave.
I hate how you cant get him.
I hate when he turns on you, and you feel it's your fault.
Stand up for yourself.
Be a woman. Please.
I wish you didnt love him.
I wish you couldnt love him.
Why.
Why does everything he says make your heart beat?
Why is he the reason you wake up?
Why does he matter?
I hate that he matters.
I hate that you care.
I hate how no matter what, you cant let go of him.
I hate you.
It's not a fairytale.
Grow up.
He doesnt love you.
Please.
Grow up.
I hate you.
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