The stars lean down to kiss you, And I lay awake and miss you.

Tonight, I will fall asleep. I will keep those eyes of mine shut until Christmas morning, or until any morning. I have gotten past the waking up suddenly to see if you have arrived. I have gotten past thinking you will walk in the door. Gotten past the idea that you would happen to pop around the corner and jump to hug me. I have just taken longer than I thought I would need to. I am real big on denial, but I am over it I think. I know when I am at work, or with friends I feel miserable. I know I wont be able to go home after having a great day, and be held by you. I do, however, miss you less when I lay in bed thinking about you. It's like you're actually with me, even if you're not. I've gotten used to it, but it doesn't mean I accept it. I still crave your touch, and your smile. But I am used to it now. I feel single again, which scares me. You have been gone, only 2 months, but it feels like forever. I notice myself doing what most call flirting with my male friends. They all know I mean nothing by it, but I feel terrible. I feel like I am betraying you. Am I? Does the simple act of me being myself around other males, instead of closed and clearly taken, betraying?
I realize I need to have one standard, and not two. If you were flirtatious with your female friends while I was thousands of miles away from you, I would feel sick. How can I think it's okay if I do it? I am confused. I know you would never do anything, try anything, or pursue anything, but it still worries me. I know I never would do anything to hurt you, but I wonder if you worry. Ha. Sometimes, babe, I even think that you're using one word texts to me because you are with someone else. Someone interesting and someone you would consider being with. Someone you want to focus on, and not me. I know. It's pretty ridiculous, but I feel it. I've told you, and, clearly, it's wrong. I still worry.
I mean.
You left her for me. You wanted to still, you know, be with her. When you returned. Instead, you found me. This is different, but I worry. Black man said he thought we'd be together for a long time. That you and I, babe, are meant to be. We teach each other, which is a huge thing. :) I remember J telling me how each guy attracted her. Even if they were assholes, the reason was because they taught her things. She learned, she grew. You teach me things, and I you. We are molding the other, and being shaped ourselves. I like it. I like learning about my feelings, and how to deal. I like how you are learning to express and control. I like just having you.
It's odd how most all of these darn blogs are about you.
Wow.
Myself going crazy again. :)
Typing like I am talking to you. Ha.
Crazy.

Yes. Indeed.

I guess it makes me less lonely. ;)
It's like I am writing, and you are reading. Well, obviously. Someone is ready, but it isn't you. Babe. I adore you.
I am sorry you had a boring Christmas eve. I wish I was there to help you. Even so, we could be bored together. Just lay there listening to Christmas music, laying wrapped in each other. :) I would have
liked
that. A lot.
I think I am now trying to be creative with how I'm typing. It's kind of funny. I thought about it, and I told you, but I want 3 bedrooms. One for us. One for you to gtf away from me and do your shit. One for me to gtf away from you and do what I want. I want to paint. Maybe a dark room. :) I want to get really into photography and painting again. I miss it. I want a camera. I want film...I want a lot dont I? Am I being selfish? I hope not. One is good, but three is ideal. :) As long as I am with you, I will be happy.

I was in second slice today with Becca. And my favorite song recently came on. She doesn't like it. :) I felt strong though. Most people would be like yeah, it's lame. Agree with her.
I didn't. I said I liked it, a lot. It is a good song, not stupid. So whatever. :) She said she was surprised I didn't agree, because most people just naturally do. Which got me thinking.
Most people do things and act certain ways, to be like. To be accepted. Then, I wondered. Do I do things just to be accepted? I didn't think so. But it made me wonder. A lot of people like me, just naturally. I dont try, but they do. A friend of mine once told me that I was the only person she was ever jealous of, if even only a tiny bit.
Because I didn't have to try, people just liked me. I just was and they liked me. Weird.
Are there a lot of people out there like that? That just are, and are adored for it? I assume there are, but I dont want to be an ass.
:)
I think my parents did a good job. Least, what they did do. Most of me was made just from me. Me or my grandparents. Im sure the beginning of who I am was made from my parents... I miss them. I miss that.
I miss what it was like. As a child. Thinking back, to what I can actually remember, it was always about them or my sister/brother. They never really shared with me. Hmm. Must be why I have issues.
Ha. Yeah. That's right, I am blaming! Ooo! :) Not really. I love them. They're cool.
This is kinda fucking long.
She wants to touch me.
Yeah, I said it. :) I'd dance to it too. Whacha gonna do?
But seriously, this is long. Maybe it's me talking to myself again. Getting all those feelings out.
Why do we keep our feelings inside so much? Society I guess. It's kind of ridiculous how if society doesn't think that you fit, then you're a freak. Donno how that works out, but whatever.
Makes me think of my brother, step dad, and my friend. They're kinda...not normal I guess. And my dad. But, not many people like them. I dont get why. They're most of the time pretty cool. They really dont try to impress people, they just are. Why dont people like them? They're cool... They're nice. :( I always feel so horrible that people dont like them. I dont understand. Theyre a little weird and have a different sense of humor, but they're still cool when you get to know them. They just want to be accepted like everyone else...why be hating?
It's twelve. Kendra should be asleep now. Gonna get my Santa presents and put them out then bed time.
Thanks for your time.
xoxo
Babe, I love you. Wish you were here. Sucks I have to wait till February to have Christmas with you. :/ Oh well. Least I actually get it. :)

Bye others who happen to read this...yeah. Im bored.
Bye!

Ratata tata

Hello Bradley Weatherall. :) I miss you, pretty much like crazy. :)
So...I am sorry I got snappy at you...but all day the only thing that really kept me trucking was knowing I could talk to you at the end of it. That you'd make it all go away and I would feel better. So, when I got off work, and you couldn't talk to me..that was another day the stress would just sit atop my shoulders. I went through a crap load today, I even cried. I was getting so stressed out. Let me start from the beginning.

I woke up to my alarm at 7, but was so exhausted from house work and normal work yesterday, I didn't stay away. Im very glad that I put in my phone reminders of the times I work. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have woke up. So, BEEP! That woke me up. I freaked out. Threw my uniform on, but my mom wouldn't drive me so I had to walk to work. Almost there, Nicole calls me. I'm on my fucking way. Now, that was the first trigger that warned me today would be a bad day.

Once I got to work, Nicole gave subtle bitches at me for being late. Yesterday, I had to leave for the pre. op. and because of that; or as she put it "because of ME" they were behind AAAAALLL day. She is a dramatic bitch, and I hate it. She leaves for things all the time, but it's okay. Consider that my smoke break for the last year, bitch.
So I got there, she made me get into running and presenting, 3 orders deep. Because she didnt want to. So I'm kinda stressing, because for the entire year I worked there I was never super strong at breakfast. So, after being gone for three months, I get thrown into breakfast. Bam. I dont know what Im doing, Im forgetting to park, but at least I was keeping up on making coffee. I kept getting lined. Every two seconds I would get rude remarks from Keira or Nicole. Orders were being made slowly, even though John and another strong body were in the back. I was very irritated. So, Im getting bitched at, youre doing this wrong, stop doing that, keep up, blah blah fucking blah. I am trying to help window, because it's fucking Dylan. Im trying to keep up on drive thru. Im almost cracking. Mel comes in, and fucks up one of my orders, so I'm so lost. Handing out the wrong orders and getting so messed up. Then. Nicole blames me. I flipped. I ran off the floor almost yelled fuck you Nicole, do it yourself. I was crying, almost yelling in the back. Trying to vent it all out so that I can go back and work again. I did, after almost hitting the wall. And went back. Filled the orders, and started "fresh".

It was going okay for a little. Then Nicole was like, "im going to just put you on prep." As in, you're not worth this, make salads. Pissed me off. She's treating me so bad. She was always like, I wanna push you forward! Now, she doesn't even treat me like a manager. She treats me like a new employee and I just want to hit her. She doesn't involve me in anything, and acts like Im stupid. Im getting tired of it. THEN! She pulled me in the office to write me up for being late. I guess it's okay, because Doug got suspended for being late. She was like "i respect you as a person, think you have so much potential, yada yada, but as for training. its not important anymore, I need to protect the restaurant in two months. Since you're leaving, it doesn't matter. "
So. Because she's stupid, and forgets to train me in the FIRST place....now she just wont even attempt to because Im..."leaving them". Fucking whore! Selfish fucking company people.
So. I'm written up. Whatever, I dont give a fuck. Then things are going okay, but I get put in back. With Chloe. I love her to bits, but she doesnt know what shes doing. She is initiating, and im finishing. And I get yelled at because she doesnt know what burger she is on. I wanted to pull my hair out. We got loaded with orders and went super slow because she forgot which she did and which was next. Nicole bitched at me, like I was a moron. So we switched and yada yada. Then I was on window. Pretty much running all the orders at once because Dylan is slow as fuck, and doesnt know what to do. Im stocking, Im packing, im pouring. Im exhausted, and I asked for a break. But, since I was late (by 20 minutes, if that, i might add) all of the breaks are behind, and I have to wait. My knee is killing me, but I have to wait. So, like a trooper, I stick it out.
It's almost 3, which I can normally make it to without a break, and I'm dying. My knee is actually throbbing and my feet swelled a little. Yeah, poor me. I'm not complaining that it was so painful, woe-is-me, I'm just saying I'm trying to get used to this but I was in pain and she didnt care. I need surgery, and when it hurts it needs a fucking rest. But, no. So I finally get my break, and my feet are like....to that point where even rubbing my head softly against the floor I would get the sensation it was being massaged up to my knee. Soar.
On and off, she keeps going back to the office to just, do whatever she does. But I cant take a break with my throbbing knee. Fuuuucking bitch. I dont even know how to describe how annoyed I was. But I kept telling myself that I would stick it out. That, I was stronger than this and I could make it. I could survive my love leaving me...because his needs were apparently more worthy than my own, Im sure I can handle this. So I did.
Honestly, every contact with my feet right now, feels that way it did. It's intense.
I agreed to work tomorrow, 5-9, because I need the money. :/

Then, I got home after going to this pretty cool tour of the light contest on the naval base. I went to my room and chilled, because I had to get off my feet! Just...had to. Then, I thought I would go and look at the kitchen. See if, while home the entire day, someone got to the dishes. No. I was wrong. No one did. It really, really frustrated me. Before, their excuse for doing nothing, was because they were working. NOW! They are home. They dont work, so you'd think they would do something around the house? No. Instead, they sit on their butts. I want to be like hey, I worked all day, and still cleaned the fucking house. I think you can help out. Before, I worked and they still expected me to do dishes and shit. They didnt, because they were so tired from work. Apparently, I wasnt. So, now Im working and doing some overtime hours and doing extra stuff, but I come home and...nothing is done. No, I'm not too tired after doing all I do, I can also clean the dishes you leave lying around. You cant even put them in the kitchen in an orderly fashion. I dont know, it just annoys me. They would call me lazy? I dont feel bad anymore about it. Because I know I work my ass off compared to them. So fuck them. I know though, if they say one thing about one of us kids being lazy, I will flip.

Hold me secure in flight

So. Work's tomorrow. Not excited at all.
In fact, I am dreading it. I dont want to work there anymore. I cant tell you what exactly triggered it, or when I began my despise for the company. Honestly, I don't think it's despise for the company, but instead the head manager. She is...indescribable. Nothing like the last one. She is lazy, dense, and has no motivation to help others. It really puts me out to see her or talk to her. I really want to just quit instead of give my 2 weeks. One of those "walk off the floor" moments. What could they do to me? Brad has spoken highly of me to the head manager in Ontario, and they will hire me. What can she do? Nothing. I am just afraid to put my employees in a bind. I doubt I would, but I cant work there anymore. Not with her bright ideas and way she is pointing the restaurant. She is a moron. I miss what it was like before she was here. I guess I like the cleanliness, but anyone could have done that. Blah. I applied to Starbucks today. Kick ass resume and application, if I do say so myself. :) I know I wouldn't be there very long, but I would be able to transfer. They are a corp, not a franchise. Thus, transferring would be easy! I would learn the skills for coffee they need and BAM! Job. :) I would be able to work at Starbucks or McDonald's. I could even have M W F working at Starbucks and Tue Thur and maybe Sun working at McDanks. :) I'd have two jobs, and good pay. Then! Oh! Then Brad and I could rent a place...ooooO! That makes me want to look up some places. :)

BYE! Finding awesome apartments...and houses. <3 Omg. I'ma have a house with Brad! <3 <3 <3

Old places, bring old faces.

Soooo....semi-formal kinda sucked.
It was a "much video dance party"....and all the girls were dancing like whores. Everyone was paired off, and happy as two people. I was pretty much ignored, and when I tried to dance...I'd be left behind. I missed Brad terribly...he should have been there. I was miserable without him there. :/

Then today, I went to Chris'. Brad's old apartment. It didn't feel as weird because they had furniture. But...when I left it hit me. He wasn't there to kiss me for 5 minutes before he closed the door. I layed my head against the door rest, but instead of seeing his smiling face; both tired and wanting to go to bed and impatient of when he would see me again, resistant to let me go; instead I saw Chris and Shannon. Looking at me puzzled as to why I layed my head where the door would soon shut. Alas. I miss his face. His lips. Even his quirky humor. My protein deprived lover whom I have come to cherish so much.

Bed time. I am applying to Starbucks in the morning. Wish me luck.

Shorts.

Yep. Staff party tonight. Semi-formal. Kinda stoked, kinda not. Wish Brad was here, I'd make him dance. :P
Kinda makes me wonder...he had a staff party already. Did he dance with anyone? Was he there with anyone else? I donno. I trust he wasn't. But it always worries me that he is flirting with other people that flirt with him, even without him knowing it. :( Oh well. Guess I have to leave this one up to trust.
Ill update later tomorrow.

The bears might eat you, and make you dead.

I am pretty much in love with Owl City. It's so cute, smooth, and flowing as if the wind slipping between evergreen fingers. The lyrics wrap me in serenity. It fits my mood as of late. I have become much more mellow, much more peaceful. I enjoy angry music, loud music, fast music. But right now I just want to float atop a gently flowing beat. Since that night, I just like sitting and breathing in life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy getting out and doing things, I'm not lazy. But just relaxing and letting my brain sort out life is beautiful. Maybe it's because Im tired of stress, maybe it's because of my stoner friend's influences, or maybe I just am lazy...but I enjoy it. Just brings a smile to my face.

So, as most of you know, Brad paid for my phone bill, and now I can text and call to my whits delight. I find him to be incredibly sweet. As much as I hate how he left, and how I stayed, it is for the best. I can see him in February, but this has made us even closer. We have realized how much each other means to the other. He's so perfect for me...and we make a pretty decent pair. Like I explained to him on the phone today;
I understand him. I calm him and can untie the tangles of his head and heart. I help him understand things. He didnt really have a Dad, or someone to explain how to deal with his emotions or thoughts. He is helping me understand myself, and he calms me. He makes me happy so much...and I've grown a lot because of him. I adore him. Dad, if you're actually reading this stuff, he's awesome. He's pretty much everything I need and please don't dislike him. :3

Im pretty sure Canada was made for me though. I love how much they are into the arts. Yeah, sports in some places, but they really like to mix cultures and it's great. I love mixing cultures, it's grand. And they do it a whole lot here. So, not only do I get sophisticated in that manner, but I get art! :D Music! Plays! Painting! Sculpting! Its like a magical little land just for me. <3 style="font-style: italic;">never been to the east, and I cant wait. I was the kid who went 15 min to my moms house for a vacation... never left the state. Now I get to. I am going to travel and explore and learn it all! I want to make movies for people to learn, it's so amazing; our world. I cant wait to see every little piece of it...really! I'm so excited. :D

Yeah so, it's pretty cool. Im rather tired though, which is good. I wanna get my sleeping schedule in order, it should be good. Changing my work availability to mornings and afternoons, not evenings. I want to spend all the time I can with my family before I move. Heck yes! <3

Peace.

Hazard of Hearts.

Not really sure what I am going to write about today, but here goes!

Last time I updated my writing was sometime after I returned from Seattle. That was an interesting...."trip". haha.
Well, I almost went again to Seattle last night. There was to be a big rave on Friday and an even bigger one Saturday. Was debating on going with my friend, but I decided against it. I'd have to sleep in the car. I have no problem with sleeping in a car, none at all. My problem, however, was with her boyfriend. He lives near that area, and that was why she was going. I didnt want to be there and them be together and have myself sitting awkwardly. It's what happenes. I understand that, I'd cuddle off with Brad, I'm sure. It's just the fact that he was so selfish, he is so selfish. He is a rich boy, an only child. This is his veiw of things:
He is jealous of me because my bestfriend, his girlfriend, wants to spend all the time she can with me. He is moving to Idaho, which he did for his own selfish reasons and did not even think of my friend in this plan. Now that he is leaving, he will not see her for a month until she comes to visit. He is mad that she wants to spend time with me instead of him before he moves. We both, my friend and I, find it selfish and kind of pig headed. Yeah, you'll be gone a month. But I am going to be gone for who knows how long. Honestly, I've been there for her way more and I am the one she talks to when he is being a dick. So, bugger off. I dont understand how someone can be jealous of someone's best friend...it's weird. It's a whole different connection.
Bestfriend. Boyfriend. Totally different. Each offers the other something different. It's weird, and I dont understand it. I donno, maybe I just see the world differently than other people. So, I stayed home in Cashmere, while she left for Seattle to visit her spoiled and selfish boyfriend. Whatever, it's her life, and if she cant see these things now, she will soon. I wish them the best.

I watched "Grey Owl" the other night. It's such a beautiful movie. Such a beautiful story. It's one of those real life stories. Only this one, isnt "based" on, it's to the facts. It was about Archie Grey Owl, about how he lived in the wilderness and tried to warn the world as to the harms of their "expantions." I was touched by the movie. It is the kind of thing that makes me worried about my own life. Im very scared about my future. I dont want to work at McDonalds all my life. I dont want to get into a rut and wonder why years from now. As much as I love Brad, I dont want to put my life on hold just to be with him. I want to grow, I want to expand. I want my brain to be full of knowlege and I want to do the world good. I want to travel the world, I want to see everything and know everything! Im afriad I wont ever get there. I am afraid I wont get into Ryerson, and I am afraid I will be plain. Im so afraid to be plain.

Im starting to scare myself. I talk to nothing, air. I dont have his sweater anymore, I sent that to him so he could smell it up again. I have nothing left of his and I think I am actually going crazy. If I am alone, I will pretend he is sitting with me. I will talk to him. It's not normal, and I know that. I feel it might be my way to cope with him being gone, but it is not normal in the least. It started after I tried what I did in Seattle. I feel like my brain has been changed forever. It reminded me of that guy on Hero's. How when he was on heroin he could see the future. It's to weird to explain, but that's like what happened to me. I was perfect at everything I did that night, and could do things I had never tried. It wasnt one of those "you think you can do anything" moments either, I really could. It was strange. My thoughts on the idea was the part in your brain where you constrict yourself and your full potention was gone. I felt I could do anything, and had no fear, so I could. Its complicated to talk about, Im sure I could explain it easier in person. All I know is I was blown away, and then coming down from it was one of the scariest things I've ever experianced.

It snowed today. :) Started about an hour or two ago. My dad and I sat outside on the swing and talked while watching the snow. It was pretty nice. :) We came up with things we could do in the future, and just...stuff. It was nice. So my grandpa actually does have the cancer now, and I dont know what Im going to do. Looking at his face, he looks weaker. His eyes are sinking in and such, it's scary. My grandparents are whithering away and I can do nothing to help them. I feel powerless, I feel like Anakin. They are slipping out of my fingers and I cant hold onto them hard enough so they wont go. :( It hurts. My dad wants to have the house, or, take over the payments so that when they pass it wont get sold to the bank. I dont understand why my grandpa wont agree to it. Its all very complicated I guess. I always see things as the easy way, but everyone seems to think of everything in a very complicated way. It is why I dont understand people I guess. I feel horrible though. I wanted to get into the movies because I like telling stories, and animating. But also because it is a big industry where I could make lots of money. Money I could use to help my family. I could pay off for the house in one go. I could buy my mom a house, and pay for my sisters' college funds. I could pay enough so that everyone was happy, and none of my family had to ever struggle again. I hate seeing them pinch for money to get food. I feel horrible that I couldnt get to that point before this happened. :( I feel like I have failed.

I feel like I've failed, and I feel that I am destined to be plain, average forever. I really just want a hug, but even that I cant have. :/ Such is life.

Hippo for christmas~!!

I guess there is a lot to update you on.

Seattle was weird. I go there more than once, and it's nice to go because it reminds me of Victoria. It's kind of funny because my friends get so stressed in the traffic and confused with the streets. I think it's normal to have one go "one way" to the right and the other street to the left. Just kinda normal. Oh well. They are used to tiny little Cashmere and Wenatchee. Wenatchee traffic makes me mad, it's so small. Here I am expecting to go "down town" and in all reality it's like driving through something similar to tillicum or collwood. Its easy and it is funny they think it's hard driving. More about that later.

Right now my head is on the argument that has arrisen. I dont even know. Things went by so fast, I dont even want to talk about it.

Working on that scrapbook again. Found a book that is actually for scrapbooking! LOL! Could have used that so long ago. It was cheaper and worked much better. Even if it's not solid pink, it still works. :)

Something just crossed my mind last night. Im thinking I might sell my grad dress. Thinking of selling other things too, just cant remember what. My guitar, the dress, and prehaps something...I know there is something else.

Ugh. I hate when someone tells you "sorry", when you can tell they arent. They will just say it to make you happy, shut you up, or stop the conversation. It's agrivating. I hate when he does that. I hate when people will close of and just be like yeah, whatever, sorry. I dont understand how hard it is to actually tell me whats on your mind!

So...time rushed by talking to brad. BYE!

:D

Going to Seattle tomorrow!

SUPER SYKED!!

Edited. :) Hope it's good.

Bradley.
I love you.
I adore you.
I thurst for you.
This seperation is aggonising.
It makes me erratic and unstable.
Your presence is mandatory.
I crave the sensation of your skin upon mine.
Withdrawn from your substance.
I have become incongruous.
Your kiss is ecstacy.
Imparative for my wellbeing.
Seriously, Im delirious.
It makes me ache inside,
You left me.
How could you?
What makes you feel it was right...
I needed you.
Exceedingly, I loved you.
My devotion was not a grain of sand,
One star amoung the sky,
Or a freckle blemishing a single surface.
Millions scattered atop palmed skin.
My devotion was memorable.
Infinite.
A roll comparable to none.
Why would you forsake me?
Reliquished.
Abandoned.
Feeling completely alone...
Desolate.
I miss you.
I need you.
My thurst for you is never quenched.
Promise me,
Never leave me again.

<3

Bradley.
I love you.
I adore you.
I need you.
I cant stand not being with you.
It's driving me crazy.
I need you in my life.
I need you in my arms.
I need your kiss.
Seriously, Im going mad.
What makes me the most mad, is how you left me.
How could you?
What makes you feel it was right...
I needed you.
I loved you more than anyone.
Caring that much is special.
Why would you leave me?
Behind.
Abandoned.
Feeling completely alone...
Ugh.
I miss you.
I need you.
I fucking need you.
Promise me,
Never leave me again.

I dont even care.

Must say. If sure feels amazing when after you find out one of your loved family members may have cancer, your boyfriend just says that you'll get over it.
Fuck you Bradley.
Fuck you.

Worm Rats.

So. I'm here.
Pretty interesting. Reminds me of why I moved. The land is boring, the towns are dead, and my family snap. Good 'ol USA. The town they call big, is so tiny. It makes me miss downtown traffic of Victoria. Strange? I think so. Not having internet access sucks too...I mean I have it, but I barely am allowed to use it. Which puts quite the damper on the communications between Bradley and myself. Not cool. I am actually without him, and it hurts a lot. It is that knawing pain like a burn. Just keeps slowly burning your flesh and throbs.
Not only that but after waiting a few days to actually talk to him, he is grumpy. Doesnt want to talk to me because of work. Ugh! Why cant he just talk to me about it like he always does...this is so frustrating. I know the bad days come with the good...but fuck. I hate the bad days. I try to get past the bad says so the good ones come faster, but it still leaves a mark. :( It aches.

I dont know what to do about it. I dont know what to do about anything.

I went to the "hall" yesterday for a meeting. It was nice...if you like falsehood. It was sufficating. I walked into the dingy hall and caught a wif of the stale air. My dad even agreed. The entire hall was well lit, except for the corners, which I felt was very symbolic. Always in the light people were happy and welcoming, but it was always so bright and sickly sweet. I feel like its halloween every time I walk in. It's always followed by a bitter aftertaste. Every person that came up to me, I could tell they were cringing inside. Thinking to themselves, " Oh my, I wonder if she has..." this or that. You think of something "sinners" do, and I'm sure they think I've done it. Killed cats, small children; sex with anyone who came to me; sold myself for money; fornicated on film; worshoped false idols and gods...oh deary me, I've done it! :/ Least, that's what they would say. It's kind of frustrating. I wanted to answer one of the questions, but my dad leaned over to me and said "you know they wont call on you." Confused, he told me why. It's crazy how steriotypical, narrowminded, and snobby they have become. It's ridiculous. it makes me sick and i really just want to tell them off. Im tired of choking on their synical greetings. Blah.

My brother also needs to learn to be nicer. He yells at everyone for no reason, and is very rude to anyone. If he doesnt like he, he bitches. If he doesnt think its right, he complains. Its nice to be open about your feelings, but learn to control them. Learn to say things nicely and stop putting other people down because of it. Seriously. I got online a half hour ago, and apparently that's enough time to talk to Brad. :/ If he knew, if only he knew.

Hung out with Jori finally. :) :) :) It was pretty awesome! I miss that chika. Too bad she is working and schooling most of the time. :( It's funny, this town. They showed me some weed that they said was "rank".... it wasnt. All I can say was at least it was green. Paid 10$ for a small stem...pretty lame. I wanted to cause shit, but it was from a friend. :/

Yeah, I miss him still. Like crazy. It is horribly only being able to talkto him for an hour a day....aches. I cant believe how much I sleep here though! I think I do it because everytime I close my eyes, I dream about him and me together. That could be it. That or it's boring as hell. Hahahahah! No friends avaliable because theyre working, it sucks!

Thats all I want to write. Forgive my spelling, I didn't get spell check. :/

Help me to pick up the peices?

:) Alright. Time for an update! ^^

Got into a fight online with Mike M, Brad's ex room mate. He's being a dick, again. Every time I bring up Brad staying here or coming back here, he gets so defensive and rude. Bitter. It's annoying and I wish he would grow up and let Brad do what he wants without insulting me. Just because your girlfriend left you because she was over you, doesn't mean relationships are fake. It doesnt mean Brad and I cant have our amazing relationship that will last for a long time, back off. Seriously. I put up this post:
"thinks her boyfriend, Brad Weatherall, is crazy homesick and should just admit it so he can come home. :)"
What does he say? Not, awe that's cute. He misses you so much. Whatever...no. He says:
"Brad is home...."
And to add insult to injury, he sends me a private message saying:
"Not to sound like an ass hole but if brad liked BC soo much he wouldn't have moved back he's a big girl he didn't move cause I did I don't hold his hand"
I didn't care to go into detail with him about it because it is about Brad, not me and needs a response from him, not me. But in honesty, Brad felt obligated to go back. His family was pressuring him, he missed his nephew, and all his friends were guilting him. I know it's not a great reason to give in and move back, but at the time he felt alone. I know he regrets it, and is now debating coming back, but it is still really rude for his friend to say to me. Me, being his love; and him being one of his closest friends. Who would actually say that? All I ended up saying was "you're right, you do sound like an ass." I donno. I dont understand why he is still so bitter about us. Brad said Mike liked me, but I really dont like Mike. The last day he was here, the last night. All he talked about with Brad was about how he was dancing with girls and how he should have gone with him and yada yada. It really pissed me off and I couldn't stop crying. He said it right in front of me too. Nice friend huh? I did nothing to him, and I dont get why he is being such a dick. It really hurts my feelings. He knows how much we're in love, but I'm sure he doesn't believe it. I tried to talk to him about how I was upset about Brad moving, and he just told me. It's only been a few months, you'll get over him. Not nicely either, in rude, "I am going through worse pain than you so shut up" ways. I just cant get over how untterly rude he is being. The only reason he said he wanted Brad to be there was so he could be on the paintball team. Yeah. Real friend there. :/

I remembered today how much I liked busing. :) It's pretty awesome, and a nice amount of time to think. :) I bused to Langford today to see Tynan. Pretty fun! :D We had the most awesome food and watched the funniest movie. :) House of Wax. Pretty funny movie. We both agreed Paris made an excellent actor. I'm jealous of how well she portrayed a man. :p His mom's new boyfriend is...interesting. One minute he's nice and funny, the next he's a bit of an ass. I don't know what to think. :S

I'm leaving for Washington in a week. :) Pretty darn excited for that! A whole month away from stupid Sidney. :D Going to be nice. Lots of time to photograph...I'm pretty excited. :) Even got myself an art project to work on while I am there. :) Wish Brad was coming though, meet the family. I know he will one day, so that's okay. Oh! My! Goodness! He sent me the most amazing text today...I literally grinned from ear to ear. Damn, it's deleted from my phone...but what it said was that he couldnt wait to start a life with me. :D :D :D A life! Like, for real. Him and me. Together. :) Having a future, a life, a place. It's pretty exciting and makes my eyes glow thinking about it. I get so giggly when I think about it too! Tynan was the only one who knew about it, until now. :) Im prettttttttttyy happy!!! [[Other than Dick ManMike.]] <---- haha...witty pun!

Kendra is now, officially, 7 years old. I feel so old...

Have you ever felt so out of place....nothing anyone says can fix it? I do. I actually fall asleep at 8- 9 most nights. He's gone to sleep by then. Is it cheesy to say that I honestly dont feel a need to stay awake after I know he's asleep. After I have called him and heard his voice before he has fallen asleep. Is it cheesy to say I cant wait to wake up every morning just because I know I will have a text from him waiting patiently in my inbox? I feel out of place without him. I float from house to house, without feeling warm and at home. I see faces, but they're all blurred. Everyone seems to embody him because I need that presence so much. Is it lame that I feel that way? Is it desperate and lame that I actually feel I need him? I can be happy on my own, I am alive aren't I? Life just feels complete, full, and jolly when he is in it. :)
I miss him. :(
I told him I regretted letting him go. How I thought letting him go would be the easier thing to do. He said he did to, and wishes every day and night he would have asked me to come with him. He regrets not having me beside him...I regret it too.

Hope, SO immature!!

Im so tired of you. I cant stand it. You are the biggest, most immature bitch of a person I know! What the fuck happened to you so you'd act like this?! What was so awful in your life that you think the world owes you?! Grow the fuck up, I'm so tired of you. I know for a fact you were raised better than to act like such a spoiled princess. The world doesn't revolve around your fucking little crown and wishes. Get off your pedestal, or I'm going to knock you off it. You are the most selfish person. I am so enraged right now I want to cry, scream, throw things, and break walls. You are the only person in my entire life that has made me this angry. You are the only person that I have actually gotten physical because I was so enraged. I kicked a wall because of you. I have almost ripped out so much of my hair, because of you. Everything I have ever done in rage that was uncontrollable, was because of you. You make me so mad I cant contain it. Grow. The. Fuck. Up. I wish with ever fiber in my body I could punch you in the face and take you down a notch. The world is not about you and if you keep thinking this way, someone will end up doing something about it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK! It's that rage that actually feels like it's bubbling....I HATE YOUR SPOILED ASS!!!! GET OVER IT!

awkward chicken dance man

So I work tomorrow at 8...am. Not too impressed considering I forgot about it until after I had planned a night out with the girls, and Kalen. :/ Not so happy. But I am home again, and I will sleep tonight. Early.

I noticed something today. I haven't stepped foot in my apartment for a week...
An entire week. I couldn't figure out why until tonight. It is fine there, not super cold, and my bed is there along with my cloths. I figured out why tonight however. It occured to me when I decided since I wasn't sick anymore I should go home. In my mind I was ready, but in my gut I was not. All I could think about was how whenever I walked through the door all I felt was the cold, stale air engulfing me. It doesn't feel like home, it doesn't make me happy when I walk in anymore. As much as I don't like my parents, I just want to come back. It's warm there, I am not alone there. I do not think about his lips on my skin or his arms wrapped around my waist while sleeping every night. It feels like it did when he had his own apartment, which will only prolong my problem, but it soothes me. I can wrap a pillow up in his sweater, close my eyes and feel his breath again upon my neck. I adore him, and I cant handle being in our home alone without him. All he does is work his ass off to save money so he can buy a car and get a place for us to stay so I can come back with him. He is working so hard to get me there, so hard. I feel weak compared to him. He cries at night, he misses me, but he works so hard. He continues his life and he strives to do his best. I need to do that. I need to stop being depressed, and just get my ass in gear to save money for him! I want to move back home. I don't want to be the loser that moves back home, but I need to. For him. I will do anything for him. I will sell my bass! Yes! Yes. I love it, but I need to. I never use it. It will be for him. <3 For my Bradley.

I went to school today. It was pretty interesting. I was not feeling up to par for working, so I called in. I talked to Mr. Gogol about my idea, and he agreed. I'm happy. It will be the best thing to see his face when I show him the picture! <3 <3 <3 <3 I also went to writing class again! I am so going to post my awkward man description. :D It was amazing. You will all get a great giggle out of it! Oh, and Brad and I had a fight. But we're good again. I got mad...and he apologized. :)

So. I have a question for all of you out there. Firsts; which do you remember most vividly? I remember with the most detail the first time I saw my mother cry, my boyfriend cry, and my father cry. I guess those are the things that get to me most. I also remember the first time I ever slept with Brad...haha. Not that way...I'm meaning over night. It was very cute, I adore him. Rawr! Bed!
Peeeeeace!

Cherry fingernails.

Going to work.
Four hours...can't take a full 8 today. Even if I should. Id pass out.
Soooooo....off I go!
I really wish Ontario people were smarter...stupid people making my baby mad. >:(

Connected.

[[Should be edited if it's going to be anything more than a post...]]

I cried today for you.
Because you couldn't hold my hand at the doctors.
Or laugh at Kiera's expression when I went through drive thru with my doctor's note.
You couldn't whine because I wouldn't pick a gorie enough movie.
Or kiss me on the forehead while I was sleeping, because you were weird like that.

I cried driving home today for you.
Because I bought a mug especially for you, but I couldn't see your smile.
Because I couldn't kiss you good bye when I left the house.
Or give you a giant hug when I saw you.
Because You couldn't complain about my amazing driving.

I cried waking up today for you.
Because I couldn't hear your laugh, or see you do a little jig.
Because you couldn't see my sister's face when she read the text for her birthday you sent.
She was so happy...

I cried for you today.
Because we couldn't walk through the mall holding hands.
You couldn't whisper in my ear how much you don't deserve me when clearly you do.
You deserve the best that I can give you.

I hate crying for you.
I cant help it.
Even if you're not in my arms, you're in my heart.

I cried today for you.
Because I couldn't mock you about having a vanilla raboose tea latte.
Or see you run across the house in your boxers whimpering about cold floors.
But mostly I cried,
Because you're not here.


Who's going to hold me when the tears come tomorrow?

Tu Sais Cest Necessaire Love

You really hurt my feelings. What you said was not "reality", it was rude. What friend would say that to another? You dont realize the pain she put me through, and you dont know the whole story. I dont have to explain myself to you. I have every right to feel how I do without being told I am being immature about it. That is all.

So, I went to a hockey game today. Not lots of fun. I really dont like it because of the fans. It's unfair and bias. The other team scores, everyone either boos or there is no noise. The home team scores, there are buzzers, music, yelling, everything. I dont think it's fair. Sports are supposed to have sportsmanship! How is it sportsmanly to boo when the other team wins, scores, or anything? The entire game the best player was on the opposite team and nobody at all cheered for that person when it was announced. So rude. They worked so hard, and played so well and no one cared. I found it rude, and it really turns me off sports. But anyways, at the game I went to the bathroom and as I was coming out and going to my seat my phone ran. :D It was Bradley! My heart actually skipped a beat. :) I was confused because it still cost him long distance to call me, but he did. Why? Because he couldnt wait any longer to hear my voice. We talked for about 20 minutes, it felt so good. To hear him laugh, and just speak. I miss it so much. I almost cried. There was one part that was so funny. :) I said "You know, Brad, you should, um, get on a plane. And come see me." :D :D :D He laughed and said " No, you get on a plane and come see me." He wants me there so bad....ugh. I want to be there so much. I miss him like mad crazy.

I hate this distance with ever fiber of my being. I want to walk into my house and see him waiting for me. All snuggled up in bed with his sweater on and the blanket up to his neck with just his head and fingers poking out. :) So adorable. I want him. :(

F.U.J.C.

FUCK YOU WHORE! YOU CONTINUE TO RUIN MY MOODS! GO THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AWAY!
.....UGHHHH!!!!!

Three gays and a diva.

Time to update.

Been trying to listen to music to get my mind off my loss, sometimes it works. It really sucks when songs come on that remind me 100% of him, or myself. Im listening to Stand right now, and it sucks. Not the song, I love the song. It sucks how true it is. Every time I think about him, about my life, about the things wrong, I feel like that candle. It is so hard to stay glowing when so much crap is thrown at you. Just like my mother. We have both had so much thrown at us, nothing is ever right. When things get right, the only thing we can say about it is "something is about to go wrong". We take so much, but we just grit our teeth and push forward. Like we are walking through a storm. I always think I am never given more than I can handle, but I really wonder. Why is it that I keep getting one shit show after another? I just get through something very hard for me to deal with, and then something else comes! Why? So many people have such an easy road of life to walk down, why is my full of pot holes and tree branches? I just think the road is clear, and bam, I've fallen on my face. I really dont understand. What makes it so I get this, and others dont? I feel fragile, but I know I'm not. I'm that gritty piece of meat dogs knaw on, so is my mother. We are tough, but we are still tried to be ripped apart. I really dislike being so strong. I wish I could just give in, and I'm sure I've talked about this before. I wish I could just give in, quit fighting, just accept life as is. Why do I insist on trying, pushing, tearing and fighting for something better, when I will only get my face snuffed by fate's foot? I confuse myself.

I have been hanging out with Kalen a lot lately, but not for that reason. It feels that hanging out with him dulls the pain of Brad being gone. He is there with me at work, and during the day and when it's late. I dont feel alone when he is there. And because of that, I dont ache inside. My mind, for those moments, are off of how much I crave for my Bradley. How much I want to feel his arms around me and his gentle kiss. Fuck. People say this is supposed to help me, but it always just makes me cry. I've tried to keep him being gone out of my mind, I try and distract myself. I try and act normal so hard. Does him being gone effect my normality? Have I changed? Is that piece of me I gave to him, gone? I really feel it is. I feel that piece is with him, and I wont ever get it back until he comes back. I was talking to him today, like I always do, and it made me smile. I mentioned to him how I regretted letting him go. How I wished I would have asked him to go...or would have gone with him. I know he wouldnt have stayed, but I regret with every fiber of my being not going with him. Every day I imagine how it would have been, every day. Every night, every afternoon, every hour. It was my biggest mistake. I am here, going crazy without him. I mentioned it to him. He said what I thought he would have, no. No he wouldnt have stayed. But after that...he said he wished I went with him. That he is going crazy without me, and that the seat next to him should have had me in it. He wishes that every day I would have come with him. It's ridiculous. I was that person who changed his mind, and I couldnt see it. He refused the idea of marriage, kids, a long term relationship. He didn't want to be with someone as they aged and changed. When he left, he said he wanted to be with me, for good. He said if I was pregnant, he would come back. He would pay for everything I needed until he could come back and bring me back with him. Not kill himself, run away, or leave me. He would stay. He would spend every penny he could on me. I changed that, but I couldn't see. I was so blinded by being hurt later on that I just let him go. You know that song...what hurts the most? Yeah. It's like my life right now. It kills me to walk into a room with friends we both had, and I'm alone. They ask me how it's been since he left and it takes so much in me not to cry. I cant even listen to the freaking song without crying. It's lame, in that sense I feel so weak. I cant even listen to a song, but I can spend night after night without his arms around me....but the fucking song makes me cry. I dont understand myself. Why do I not cry walking into our old house, see his shoes on the floor, know he wasnt coming back; but I can for a fucking song. I dont understand anything. So, he likes his job and everything there. It's all lining into place for him. I'm happy for him, I just feel awful because...fuck! It's really like we were meant to be together longer, and this move fucked it up! I cant get enough of him, and his love. I really should have gone with him.

So I'm pretty much a little piggy. Gots me the swine flu, awesome right? I thought so. Couldn't work or anything. Got my sister's birthday present though. :D Spent 2 and a half hours rumaging through Toys - R - Us with Kalen until I found something. I'm not so sure I like it...kind of wish I got something more awesome. Its a my little pony fair, with the feris wheel and giant slide...guess it's cool. Don't know if it will be good as the bike my mom got her though. I wanted to get her a skateboard or a tool kit for her, but my mother said no. :/ Lame. She loved my long board, and could ride it by herself. But whatever, my mom wants me to get her normal little girl things, when clearly she isnt normal. She is a raging tom boy, like I was. I would have liked the tools or skateboard way better. I also wanted to get her a little science kit because she really likes science now. :D Like I did. We are pretty alike, I just wish she never stole my race cars... :| I miss those cars. Oh well, she will just be happy I am there. :) I am saying in the card that it's also from Brad. :) It's cute how she misses him too. Whenever she saw him she got so excited and always ran to him. She always can judge people, and she saw how nice he was from the start...just like I did. :) He was always happy to see my little sister, I think it reminded him of his nephew. When we had my parents over for dinner, he was trying to remember how to feed his nephew, it was adorable. Ugh. We would make the cutest baby, we honestly would. :p

Just in case you're wondering, I am pretty sure I love Brad with all my heart. And baby, I've been waiting all my life to get a guy like him. He is so much better than anyone gives him credit for! He has just had such a hard life, and no guidance, that he didn't know how to express himself or know what he is actually worth. What he deserves. He deserves the absolute best he could ever get...I just wish he would realize it. He is so amazing, and so worth a love like mine. Aww...look at that...Allie is getting mushy. :p Im very excited to see him again, I'm going to blow him away!
Aww! I just found this song...by Rascal Flatts...so good. It's called "The Man in Love with You"
So good. It says if there is anything I could be, anything I wished I could be. If I could rule the kingdoms or sail the seven seas I would still be the man in love with you. :D So adorable. I feel I am that to him... or made him think that about me. Haha. I'm lame. This blog is so totally about Brad, haha.

Oh! When I was hanging with Kalen we talked for about an hour in English accents...and then we tried to stop but couldnt! xD Hooked to the accent! I found it rather hilarious. :)

That is all.
Peace. xoxo

Red head, bed head.

It's been a few days. Figure I should update. I kind of like this idea, because then people I dont see very often can still feel updated in my life. :) Not out of the loop!

So today .... sucked.

Started off waking up at 8, which is good because I need to start waking up earlier. However, it sucked. I work at 2, and my throat was very soar. Scratchy. My head seemed like it was about to explode. So, I got all ready for work at around 12. Showered, did the hair, the usual. I figured if I went in early and had some tea it would all be better. :) Wrong. It wasn't better, and it wouldn't for the rest of the night. I have to work tomorrow at 9 am. Shift verification. Blah. So...I thought maybe if I did well that night I could leave early so I could sleep and be well rested for tomorrow. Verdict? Nope. My retard of a boss was there and she had to close. So, of course I couldn't leave. She does nothing so sick little me had to stay. I am serving food...I shouldn't be there! Management sucks ASS! Everything is great about it normally, only you still have to work when you are sick. D: LAME! I swear I was tricked into this position. It's so bad. I feel like Chris now, I understand how he feels. I talked to him about it tonight, why he has started to care less and less for his job. He is pushed to do so much but he is never recognized for it. Im pretty sure I am going to get treated the same way, and I am not up for that. I really am upset at how my boss thinks that by promoting me will stop me from moving away, or getting another job. Screw that. Whether I am a manager or not has no difference on if I move or not. I am going on vacation for over a month, and I am going to leave in a few months. The management is very nice of my record....but that's all I am one for. I would much rather just stay crew honestly. Other than the pay increase also.. :)
I also found out tonight that my boss has never worked at another job. McDonald's is the only job she has ever had. I have already had at least 4 jobs.
Also speaking of work; I pretty much broke down for the first time and cried at work. I haven't done this yet, and I've been able to hold it together. But today it seemed to be too much. What made me madder about it, was that people talked to me like I need to just "suck it up" and be strong. Fuck you. Honestly. You have no idea what I have delt with in my life, what I have gone through, what I have felt. You dont realize how strong I actually am, how much of a rock I am. I am very emotional, and I get hurt. But the amount I can actually hold within my heart and my head without breaking is emense. I hate being talked down to like that, especially by someone who clearly has not gone through anything to the extent I have. I never talk about what I have gone through to people to make them respect me or think higher of me. Not once have I used my experiences to get pity from people. I feel that is stupid, degrading, and childish to do such things. I will just take what I experience to heart and learn from it. Don't you dare look me in the eye and tell me to "suck it up buttercup." Like I am some spoiled child who just lost my allowance. It pisses me off. I am so strong and can hold so much in, take so much of a beating in life. It's ridiculous. I wouldn't be giving this chance to grow, and to understand the true pain and loss it is to have the one I love leave me, if I couldn't handle it. That is my view. If I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't be giving to me to deal with. Im just so tired of being belittled like that. I am a force to be reckoned with.

Oh right! Why I cried. :)
Everything at work was going relatively well. I had a nice laugh when I came into work today and found Kalen in a crew uniform...plus hat. :p He forgot his managers shirt...so it was great fun. We all got a good chuckle out of it. But as time went on, he made this joke. He was "cheating" on me with Kiera and I was the one that gave him sex, only I wasn't putting out so he went to her. Who was sensitive and wrote him poems and they were planning to get a tattoo together. I knew it was perfectly pinpointed at myself and Brad. Pissed me off a lot and I didnt talk to him after that. It really hurt, and then after that I got a text from Brad. He was explaining his day and such, normal text. Then at the end he said oh! I forgot! and since the text wouldn't hold more I waiting for the next to come in. The next said that he forgot to tell me he was madly in love with me...and was going crazy without me beside him. It was the sweetest thing I have ever read from him. I was fine and could hold it together a little while, then I looked at Kalen from behind for a brief moment and thought it was Brad. I almost ran up to him and hugged him, that was when I couldn't take it anymore. Im very tired of him not being here, now with me. My heart tells me to get a credit card, buy a ticket, and go see him now. No matter what the consequences are financially. I know, however, in my head that I cant do that. I have too much here to deal with. I have my job, applications for college, my friends, my family, everything. I cant leave it now, and it tears me up inside every time I think about it. I am so stuck here, that it kills me. Kendra wouldnt be able to bear it without me. She went crazy when I left for the summer, and now that I have moved out she cries every time she sees me. I couldnt leave her, not now. Im her hero, I cant just abandon her. She's my best friend. I actually had a dream last night about Brad and myself. We had a little girl, only she wasnt born yet. He came here to get me and bring me back to Ontario. I remember vividly how I was laying on the couch and I heard him tell his sister that he wanted to be with me forever. He wanted our little girl and myself to have the best lifes possible and he was going to do everything in his power to make it so. I am pretty sure I woke up crying. :/ It's been an emotional few weeks. Sucks.

Coolest thing happened though. I am sitting here at my mom's house, and my friend brought me soup. :) Not just any ol' soup...home made amazing chicken noodle soup. <3 He is really a great guy, wish we could find him someone to cheer him up.

Im pretty sure it's past 12 and I was aiming to be in bed at 11. So.....good night!
xoxo All my love Bradley xoxo

Nibbles....the warrior cat!

I really fucking hate bad service areas! It's taken me at least 20 minutes between texts to talk to Brad. And we both get so confused. Im so mad. Ugh.
I hate the cat when she gets her cold feet all over me.
I hate how the garbage is starting to smell because WE DONT HAVE A GARBAGE CAN!
I hate missing him.

I love how I can still hear his voice in my head.
I love how the kitty is becoming a fighter. :p
I love how comfy my bed is and how easy I can fall asleep now. :)

I really wish my room mate would clean up her stuff and put her bed away.
I really wish I went with him.
I really wish I didnt have to work at 8 tomorrow. Fuck.
I really wish I could phone where ever I wanted, for free! :D
I really wish I made more money.

I need a break.
I need a kiss.
I need a back rub.
I need a friend to vent to...without it seeming like I only talk about him.
I need to take a shower.

Peace. :)

I wish, I was a fish.

Guess that blog after work never happened. Guess I'll just mix it all together in this one. :)

I don't know exactly where to start. My roommates are pissing the hell out of me. Since I have moved in, I have been the only one to do the dishes and keep the place clean. One day my female roommate cleaned the house up, and tidied things...but that was once. I dont understand why they cant just put things away and back where they belong so there wouldnt have to be big clean up days. Use shoes and come home? Put them away. Cloths? Dirty hamper. Plates? Sink. Seriously, how hard is it?? Not only that, but she has this stupid hide-a-bed that she agreed to put away every day. Does she? Big surprise. Wake up and her shit is laying all around the bed and the living room, draped along the table, and the bed isnt put away. On top of that, she is starting to just throw the cushions where ever. I got home, and they were on my bed. You cant just get away with this shit. You're moved out, which means you have to start being a fucking adult. No time to play kiddie and have mommy pick up after you and wipe you. Grow up. You have a little kitten you are supposed to be taking care of, yet you are out every night till midnight. Thought you were supposed to be going to school at 5? The cat sits at home now alone for hours until I get home to feed it and comfort it. Really annoying. There is just so much going wrong with this move. Hole in the window? No big deal, right? Big deal. We have no heater, thus all the air coming in the house makes it so cold! Piss off. Next problem? The hole lets moisture in...and where does that go? My bed. Leaks allllllllll the way down to under my bed. Soaking it and leaving it moldy. Awesome. I put it up to dry....3 hours ago. Still wet. Quite the piss off. Also...here's another log onto the fire. My land lord locked me out. I'm pretty sure he came in illegally to our house...and locked it. Not only that, but he probably saw the cat, which, let's call her Josie, brought to the house without asking. There is garbage sitting around because no one can get a garbage can. Not going to lie, I would have gotten one AGES ago if I had the money. But can the other two roommates get one? No. Josie can buy a new phone, buy a 40 of two things of alchohol, and go to vancouver...but she cant buy a god damned garbage can. Steve can go to the movies, buy random food and do whatever he wants...but cant buy a garbage can. Such a huge piss off.

My back hurts so bad right now. My shoulders, my feet....my body aches. I wish he was here to make it go away. I used to hurt a lot before, but he gave me back rubs, and rubbed my feet...he made it go away. :( I miss him. I was at work today, in the back end making food, and I saw the cuff of a red sweater. One like his. My heart raced so fast and my hopes rose to the sky...and then I looked for a better view, and it wasn't him. I almost cried. Ive been waiting for him to show up around the corner for only a week..not even...and i just wish he fucking would! I wish he would come back to me. I crave him so badley. And not in the dirty xxx rated way. In the ...fuck I need a hug way. I talked to him today...he's doing well. Get to call him at the end of the month. That will be nice. :) To hear his voice again. We got in a scuffle of words today. Both upset and we both just said "fine" and didnt talk anymore. I am just giving it time. Im so upset he left me. I feel alone and abandoned. I feel I wasnt good enough for him to stay for. I know I'm slipping out of my confidence since he left. Im losing it. Im starting to get insecure and worrisome again. I thought today he would find another girl in Ontario that he would work with who is better than me...and he'd leave me. I haven't thought that stuff for weeks. I know he wont, because he loves me more than anything. Doesnt mean I'm not scared. I wish he came back. I actually put his sweater over a pillow to not feel alone last night. It helped me so much to sleep. I find it so pathetic that I have to resort to that, is it? I dont know what is good or what isnt anymore. I guess, if it gets be through, it should be good. I hate closing my eyes and feeling his lips on mine, but as soon as I open my eyes I'm alone. I have to go to his old apartment tomorrow...it's going to be very hard. I have to walk into the kitchen....and the living room...there are too many memories. Lame!

Work is lame right now. My boss is being a bitch and pressuring me to work hours I dont want to. Piss off number two. There was this guy coming in today to examine the restaurant. Everyone was uptight and tense about it, I dont understand why. If you are always up to par, you shouldn't worry. I always do 100% of my best stuff. I never let anything bad go out...so I wasnt worried. Everyone else expected this and that from me, not knowing I guess that I always do it! I'm not a moron and I hate when people treat me like one. I hate when people slum around until someone is watching them and then, "Oh! We need to act our super best!" Stupid.

Why cant I just cry it all away? Why cant this pain subside? Why did he have to go? Why cant I hold him forever? Why ....why cant you answer my questions?? Im tired of being confused. Im tired of feeling lost. Im tired of being left. Im tired of being used. Im tired of...I'm tired of everything. I wish I could run away like he did. I wish I could leave it all behind...I wish I was with him....

Through the phone

I have to leave for work in 15 minutes...but I am going to blog when I'm off. Actually excited to and get all my feelings out again.

<3 Miss you Bradley! <3 xoxo

I will write you a song...

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and everyone is back to their lives. Everyone, except for me that is.

I work tomorrow...and I'm not sure if I want to go. Every time I go in there...I just remember how he would hide from me. Like, he would be working in the back and he would peak his head around the milkshake machine...so cute. Or he would come and hide behind the counter and try and scare me. He was so adorable! Now every time I go in I am hoping with everything in me that he will peak around a corner, or one of the machines. Maybe when I go in the back he would sneak up behind me and kiss my neck like he used to. Or he will be in the back getting changed...and I can hug him because I haven't seen him for a day. Only, it's been three...when I get to work it will be four. I dont think it's ever been this hard to be away from someone. Ive been away for a year at a time from my family...and I miss them like crazy...but not this bad. I feel like breaking down. It's so bad. I crave his fingertips to run along my back, along my neck. His smile or his voice. That look in his eyes when he sees me...how I can tell he has been wishing I would visit him. I wish we had more nights together snuggled close while he whispered in my ear how much he loves me. I had just gotten to that comfortable part where I didn't feel worried he would leave me if I said something wrong. I felt comfortable with him, and that anything I did he would still love me. Ugh. I feel so bad because I feel this is sort of my fault...

When he said he was leaving for Ontario, because he couldn't stand Sidney, I supported him. I told I was okay with it, and I would love him still. I said I had to stay here. I said that because I was constantly telling myself this would be the better way. We wouldn't end up having a hard break up later, it would be clean. Easy. I told myself I couldn't see myself with him forever, and that we would end up breaking up...this would make it smoother. We wouldn't end on bad terms, and we could be friends. Fuck. I was so horribly wrong. I told myself every day, and tried so hard to convince myself. Honestly, I could see myself with him for years...happily. He...I could be with him for so long. You know how they say not every relationship is meant to last forever? Or at least for a long time? Im not saying I want us to be together forever, but I really think this this was sooner than it should have been. It's very frustrating. I keep thinking what if I went with him?? I am very confused and frustrated.

Funny thing is...we were going to break up..like my previous paragraph stated, but neither of us can do it. He asked me to come with him...in a few months. After Christmas he can afford to visit me, and when he leaves he wants me to come with him. Which makes all the pain feel a little watered down. I dont kno. I miss my loser. So much. Listening to stupidly cute love songs...they're weird how they relate so much. I had a dream last night that I lived in Ontario with him...and we had a little girl...
He said when we were first together that he would kill himself if he had a kid. The day before he left...he said if I was pregnant he would come back...and help me. Something happened between us...we are very close. Very in love. I miss him.

Forever with me.

Okay...so...today was a pretty stressful and emotional day.

My boyfriend just left me...forever. Least that is what it feels like. Driving to the airport it really didnt seem real, that he would change his mind. Then it kept going...and he didn't. He was telling me about the plane he came here on, and how it would be on the way back. It was nice, and we were watching the other planes leave and come in. Then, time snuck up behind us and then we had no more waiting. He had to go through security...which we both thought I could also go with him. I couldn't, and it upset us both. So...like those movies...we had to have the emotional goodbye at the gate. I tried so very hard not to cry in public, but I failed. I bailed like a little girl...it was embarrasing. I didn't want to let him out of my arms, and if I didn't have to i wouldnt have. Even thinking about it right now it is hard not to cry. My eyes actually hurt so much from today. Lastnight we had a moment. We had a friend over and were drinking for our last night, but it hit me that tonight he wouldn't be home for me to snuggle with. I couldn't hold it in, and had to ditch to the bathroom, when he followed me. We talked...and neither of us could hold it in apparently. There are too many details I dont want to talk about, but it was intense. I stayed at the airport till I couldnt see his plane anymore. That last kiss was very special, but I wish so very much I could feel his lips back against mine...

I havent ever felt a pain like this before, and it kills me inside. I cant talk about this anymore...it's not...I cant.

I just want him back...

K.I.S.S.

Feet hurt. Legs hurt. Knee hurts. Work tomorrow at 11. No car. Home alone, boyfriend's out. 500 lb eyelids. Good night.

So Tired of Pussy Bitch Men.

Guess this is the first rant post I've had.

So this friend of mine, and I do use the word friend loosely, lets call him Nick. Nick has serious anger problems, problems which I am so tired of. The first time he's done one of his "episodes" was very immature. It's a long story. I was having a bad time and tried to talk to him and he straight out told me he didnt care and didnt want to listen to me. So what do I do? Get upset. Why? Wouldn't you? But really, I got upset because every time he ever needs someone to talk to I was that person. He would talk to me about his problems and I would help him. So I come to him, he tells me fuck off I dont care. So I told my other friend because I needed to vent, expecting she would keep this to herself. Instead, she went to him yelling and such. This was a while over texts. Then, they met up because he was waiting for food or just chatting, and she was just getting off work. She is going to leave, and he confronts her. Yelling is involved, hitting, and finger flipping. It was very dumb. I was in the middle of dealing with 4 customers and I had to stop with them, walk over and break them up only to have him yell at me. Followed by slamming his hand against things and hitting the door making the sign fall off. Seriously? Childish much? It was completely ridiculous. He has done it a few times. And now, he did it again. Why? Because he was waiting so long! In honesty, he was there for 5 minutes tops waiting when there was only 3 people working and trying to fill orders and do maintenance. Ridiculous. He swore, then when Brad told him to calm down...he swore at him. It just got more heated. When I called a friend of mine to tell him not to do it again or he would be banned, they said it was immature of us. Which pissed me off very much. How is it immature of a business to keep someone out who continually has outburst when there are several other customers around. Screw you! We have every right to serve who we fucking want. Im soo mad about it, you have no idea. You will tell people they cant come even on the lot because of things they say, but we are the immature ones. Nice. I am very frustrated with all this god damned drama in this city. Grow up, put your big boy panties on and pull the tampon out. Im tired of this bullshit, and his bullshit. People in general need to grow up. Ugh! I dont even know what else to say. There was no mantinace so the fucking crew had to do ALL of the work! While they are trying to do that...he expects to be treated like God. He stands in the same spot every day and then today he expects it to be different and people to know its different. Fuck! So frustrated!

Full Plate.

So now I' m actually sitting here and writing a blog at the end of the day. :) Go me.

Today wasn't the most exciting day, but it wasn't dull either. Woke this morning, like always, next to my amazing boyfriend. Early. Pretty early. Pretty much, right after my room mate left. He seems to hold off everything until she leaves. Then bam! He goes in. Dives in for the kill and pulls me on over to him. It's cute really, him trying to control everything until the door closes. At least, I find it cute.
Then I made breakfast. It's a pretty radical feeling to make someone breakfast. Him and I both haven't been eating the best since we moved to BC. Him only 7 months, but I haven't for 5 years. So, it was very refreshing to actually have a stomach full of good food in the morning. He said so also. :) I remember when we first got together he never ate breakfast, because it made him sick. But now, he said he feels refreshed and it's great. I am happy that we're getting better. I know before him and I both felt weak and weary when we weren't eating right. I actually went days without food...and it was very normal for me. Lots my friends dont know bout my family life.

So this guy is pissing me off very much. I used to be friends with him, back when I was insecure about myself. Before I knew what I deserved, and how good I actually was. He would give me up building things, make me feel better. But now, he is pathetic. I wont talk to him because he is so ridiculously childish. All he will do is complain about his life and how I am not there. Because I am not there, he has attached himself to my sister. Who listens, but doesn't want to. He whines to her now. All the time. He wont leave her alone, and now he is trying to hit on her. If I hear of him doing this again, I will, to say the least, rip him a new one. Now, trying to be subtle, he is posting his status as things about "two faced friends" which obviously are me. Why do I think this? Because I just told him to shut up when he tried to whine to me. Pathetic. I am tired of it, and I am not going to let him continue this.

So I got promoted recently. :D Super excited! Went to my very first manager's meeting today. :) I felt a little awkward, however, because I didn't know a lot of what they were talking about. But I will learn. :) I know I will. It was cool though, because a lot of the other managers are starting to be more of my friends, rather than the people I look up to. It is pretty cool to know things now, things I didnt know when I was a crew. It's kind of fun. Carol is back! I missed her. She went over to Mt. Newton because her knee was so hurt and acting up and she couldn't move or run around. By going there, she could sit and take orders, and not injure her knee more. She is pretty awesome, as well as the others who are there of course. :D John and Pat are awesome, and so was Michelle when she was there. Jas is acting really weird since the thing happened with Evan, but it's all working out. Huzzah!

Nothing to rant about today, except how I have no money. It sucks, but I have food.

So....I guess that is everything.

Our lips can touch...

Sitting on the couch, all spread out and relaxed. Cute boyfriend all snuggled in bed eating the casserole I made last night. :) He said he really liked it. Made me feel really special when Madison had it last night. She said it was so amazing. Made me feel very good.

So I was reading a certain someone's blog and it made me think very deeply about love. Brad and I had a bit of an argument last night. Not great. Pretty much what it intaled was him saying he couldnt get his flight for the 11th, so he joked that he would have to stay till New Years. I'm sure I mentioned that. Well...he just got the ticket for the 11th. :/ I was very, very upset. Im not sure exactly how it went down, but I was mad and he was mad that I was upset, so I told him to fuck off and turned my phone off. This was at 9. The next time I talked to him was 1 am. I actually sat in the rain for an hour with my friend just to clear my head. I dont think Ive ever felt to crappy about myself. He cant wait to leave, and that also means leaving me. My mom tried to convince me that it wasnt me he wanted to leave, and so did Rosie. It didnt work so well, as in I didnt believe it. Until he came home to see me after work. He came home right after work, without chilling at Chev, which he usually does. It ended up being rather emotional...and him admitting that he felt I was too good for him. Which after everything we talked about all I could say to his comment was:
"Maybe I'm not too good for you, maybe I'm just what you need."
We are good now, but he is still leaving. He said he wants to stay with me though and visit me from Ontario. He even mentioned breifly that he wanted me to come with him, the only problem was I didnt know if I was going to school or moving to Washington. I love him. He's leaving to work. Adios!
xoxox

Ah! he just started to massage my foot...Im in love. <3

I like where you sleep, when you sleep next to me.

Sweet. :) First time in two weeks I get the house to myself. There has always been someone here. But don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the people I live with, but I also really like just relaxing on the couch in sweats and a cup of coffee. :) I'm also very happy knowing that I have food in the house. Shopping is great, and I actually like it. It's a great feeling knowing I went out and got a house full of food. I had a breakdown a while ago with Bradley about how since moving to Canada my nutrition has gone down. I have lost so much energy compared to what I used to have...but I've also not eaten the amount of junk I used to...which is the brighter side to the darkness. :) It's pretty awesome...I have to say. Having cut veggies in the fridge, cheeses, salad things...it's just delightful! This, honestly, is the first time I have actually felt like an adult. Moved out. Own food. Staying afloat. Great feeling. :)

So...I was driving Chloe home from work last night...it was only around nine. Dropped her off in Dean Park then was on my way back, and as I went to turn off on the exit, I heard what seemed to be an explosion. My heart about jumped out of my chest. I have been scared since it started to have problems that the engine would blow up on me. I thought this is what happened. So I tried my best to get the car to the gas station, and I made it. Looking under the hood proved that it was yet another problem with my alternator! Third time! My car has been going through so many problems ever since I went to that Lake for Grad camping. It's very frustrating, and I really dont want to put more money into it. I swear we have soaked more money into this thing than we actually paid to get it. It's ridiculous! I dont know what I am going to do about it.

I'm pretty sure my pay has again increased. :) I just got promoted to management, it's pretty exciting! I tried the shirts on though, and they didn't fit. It was very embarrassing because I actually had to go to Steve and ask for another size. He wouldn't just let it be that it didn't fit, he had to know why. So, awkwardly, I had to explain to him that the shirts did not fit because of my upper half. Not cool. They went through all the sizes for manager shirts, and left with ordering one of my size. I feel embarrassed and annoyed. I still have the name tag though, and dont need to wear a hat anymore. :) Pretty cool. And! I get paid breaks. :) Pretty awesome.

This incredibly ridiculous show is on right now, and I cant stop laughing at it! :p

I was talking to Brad this morning. He is scheduled to leave the 11th of October. His flight for that day, however, is more expensive than the last time he looked. He cant afford it. So, what is he to do? We talked a little bit and he jokingly said that if he couldn't get this flight, he'd have to stay till New Years. :D That made me happier than I can actually describe to you. If he stayed that long, I would get Thanksgiving with him, Halloween, AND Christmas! That would be the most amazing thing ever! It is so great to actually wake up with him, to continue doing that until Christmas!? Dear god. It would be a dream! Honestly though, I am scared. What happens if something happens to break us up, and then he cant leave? I would feel so horrible. He would be stuck in a place where the only reason he stayed, just left him. Not cool. Then, my roomie asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Totally threw me off guard. Christmas in 80 days away, or so. I haven't even started to think about it! I was trying to think of things, and then Brad suggested a plane ticket to go see him if he was gone back by then. :) I would really like that. But, I really wouldn't if when I got back to see him, he had another girlfriend he was banging. Because, let's face it, my man is pretty desirable. :) Least, I think he is. I would die inside if I got the chance to see him after he left, and he was with someone else. :(

I just remembered I have to call a place about a mirror. Bye!

Romulous

Alright! Blog number three....I'm on a roll!

Today was pretty okay, except my back hurt like crazy! :( I dont think it's the bed at all...I think it is that Im sharing a single with my boyfriend...who doesnt like to "share" his space. :P I guess it's that way for both of us though. I like to spread out, and so does he. Which, doesn't help when you are sharing with another person. It's very cute to wake up beside him though. :) You know how people say when others sleep they look like angels? Well, I tell you what, this guy does. He looks so sweet, innocent, and perfect. I dont know, this feeling is the best I've ever felt. To actually have this much love in my heart for a single person...it makes me feel so wonderful. I love love. I love loving him. I love the looks he gives me and I love how he cant leave the room without telling me he loves me and giving me a kiss. :) I have to say, this is a very good first relationship for me. I really thought relationships were like they make them out to be in the movies....and the tv shows. But honestly, if you believe that, your relationships will fail. That isnt how men really are, and it is horrible to make women actually believe there will be perfect mr. charming waiting for them out there. Yes, there are nice guys, but compared to tv they don't measure up! It's horrible. My guy, is actually a very nice boyfriend. But, compared to tv and movies, he's a jackass. You have to forget the fairytale world, and focus on real men. Im tired of believing something that was just made from the mind of a woman. Granted, I would love a guy like that, but I know if I really got it....I would just want Brad back.

So I was watching Seinfeld today...yeah I know. I really dont like the show either, but today it was interesting. They were talking about communism. And the way they discribe it, I would have to consider myself one. :/ They were talking about how we shouldnt support the companies who force children to make their products and were being called communist. Why would I want to support something that is only corrupting our world? It's horrible. I was talking with Maddie today about something similar. We are both really for changing the world, and I really am happy she is my roomie. She wants to change the world, and I want to save it. :) Anyways, we were talking about how they are finally starting to use bamboo for shirts and clothing and even hairspray. It is remarkable the technology we are being able to use now, it's amazing. How a single bamboo can grow on so little water, but yet the cotton is draining our water supplies. Im sure in minor use cotton would not have, but it is the demand that makes it such a bad thing. Just like with the paper and forrestry. Cutting down trees isnt a horrible thing, it's just when there is such a grossly high demand for paper that it gets out of hand. We need the industry to help our economy survive, but it is getting out of hand. When entire animal species go endangered due to it, you know you have a problem. I really do wish I had the opportunities my friend Harle had. She is making such a difference. She has been interviewed about what she has been able to do, three times. :/ News and radio. So jealous.

I really wish I could make a difference though. I wish I meant something to someone.

Somethings, which might suprise you....

Hey there! Finally time for a second post. I am not exactly sure what to say...but I guess I will start. :)

So, recently, my boyfriend and I had our six months together. It was pretty cute. I tried to do cute things, and take him out. When in all reality, we would have both rather just stayed home and watched a movie while ordering food. I really feel stupid for thinking I had to spend money and go out to make the day special, when just being with him makes it special. He moved in with me Sunday. That made me very happy. :) This way I don't feel like I have to nag him to see him, instead I just go home. :) If he isn't there, he will be by the end of the night. It's nice, and I really enjoy it. I get to wake up seeing the most amazing guy, and fall asleep snuggled close to him. Very romantic if I do say so myself. Who needs gifts when I get his smile and him whispering in my ear how much he loves me.

My car is acting up, and it's pissing me off. I changed the oil, oil filter, trans fluid, and such and it still runs funny. It actually seems to run worse! I will run and it seems to jerk and feels like the engine is about to stop. I am going to take it to my dad or my friends, but I'm not sure how worth fixing it is. Last time I worked on it with my boyfriend we both agreed it wasn't worth working on more. If it dies, just get a new one. I mean, if I keep this up, I am going to end up spending hundreds of dollars into a car I only bought for 700 dollars. Not so cool.

Lots of fun things seem to be happening. :) My friend John asked me to help him make a video for one of his songs. He has a CD from when he lived in Africa, and it's very good. I am rather excited. I might use that to apply for Ryerson. I dont know if that is how you spell the college's name, but I tried. :) Of course, I am not just applying there, I am going to apply everywhere I can think of. I dont want to close off any options I could have to learn and grow in the field. I'm very excited, but I am also very worried. I dont actually have enough confidence in my "talent" for the field that I will get far at all. I guess that is what university is for. :)

Moving out has been very up and down. It has been...20 days since I moved out. I would have to say it was better than the very first day I moved out. Haha! Room mate coming in at 2 am with friends being loud as hell when I had to work at 9 the next morning. No fun there. I seem to be late a lot however, compared to living at home. Which frustrates me. I know the reason is only that I am sleeping with my boyfriend. He is just too comfy to wake up so early and leave. Ugh! Speaking of work! I am so frustrated with that shit hole! I work at a fast food restaurant, but it's not entirely bad. I stay for the people. I have to say, however, it is so similar to a soap opera. There is so much drama going around that small building, it drives me crazy. The drama and rumors started there almost broke my boyfriend and I up twice. No fun. A few people in particular irritate me. Also, newer people are getting promoted at a rapid speed, while the employees who have been there longer and know more are being forgotten. I know for certain someone who should be promoted, but hasn't even been noticed. She does so much work and contributes so much, but isn't recognized. Instead, a stupid little girl who is just 15 and started not even two months ago is promoted. Apparently she is always working, which is a load of shit! She stands around texting or talking to her friends at work. The only reason all the managers think she works so hard, is because she is conveniently working on something when they come around. Very annoying. I know for certain when I started I was actually cleaning and working constantly, with or without a manager around. It really frustrates me when I know people are working, but have nothing to work on when managers are around. LAME! Really annoying. The head of the restaurant pisses me off the most however. She will demand everyone have at least one close or open in their schedule a week, but she never will. She refuses, but we have to. And! Even when she is working, she is sitting in the office or just standing around complaining. I have no idea how she got that far in life, she can't even spell. She asks me how to spell the simplest words. I know, I am not the best speller, but she saddens me.

Enough of that. I am very excited for November 10th!! That is when I am going back down to the USA to see my family. :) I miss them a lot, and it has been over a year since I saw them last. My grandma has Alzheimer, and it scares me to death that she wont remember me. :( She is pretty much my mother, and it would kill me if she didn't. I am also very excited to see my bestest friend in the entire world! I haven't seen her since June 2008! :( We text a lot and call...but that's never the same as hanging with your best friend driving around for no reason. :) It will be great! You have no idea, it will be awesome. I'm just really upset that my boyfriend is leaving for Ontario on October 11th... :( That will be a sad Thanksgiving. Well...now I'm a little upset and am going to go home. Bye mother! LOL!

xo

Guess this is the first one...

Wow. Well, hello there. I am not exactly sure how well my grammar will be, but I will try. This is my first one of these things, friend's influence. I enjoy writing, and I guess this will help when I need to rant. :) I'm very excited for the 15th. It is going to be my 6 month anniversary with my boyfriend, even if we are celebrating on the 16th. I cant wait to see his face when I give him his present. :) I'm making it...not just buying something. So stoked! Well, the scent has gotten to my nose, and I need to stir the meat now. Farewell!