Hippo for christmas~!!

I guess there is a lot to update you on.

Seattle was weird. I go there more than once, and it's nice to go because it reminds me of Victoria. It's kind of funny because my friends get so stressed in the traffic and confused with the streets. I think it's normal to have one go "one way" to the right and the other street to the left. Just kinda normal. Oh well. They are used to tiny little Cashmere and Wenatchee. Wenatchee traffic makes me mad, it's so small. Here I am expecting to go "down town" and in all reality it's like driving through something similar to tillicum or collwood. Its easy and it is funny they think it's hard driving. More about that later.

Right now my head is on the argument that has arrisen. I dont even know. Things went by so fast, I dont even want to talk about it.

Working on that scrapbook again. Found a book that is actually for scrapbooking! LOL! Could have used that so long ago. It was cheaper and worked much better. Even if it's not solid pink, it still works. :)

Something just crossed my mind last night. Im thinking I might sell my grad dress. Thinking of selling other things too, just cant remember what. My guitar, the dress, and prehaps something...I know there is something else.

Ugh. I hate when someone tells you "sorry", when you can tell they arent. They will just say it to make you happy, shut you up, or stop the conversation. It's agrivating. I hate when he does that. I hate when people will close of and just be like yeah, whatever, sorry. I dont understand how hard it is to actually tell me whats on your mind!

So...time rushed by talking to brad. BYE!

:D

Going to Seattle tomorrow!

SUPER SYKED!!

Edited. :) Hope it's good.

Bradley.
I love you.
I adore you.
I thurst for you.
This seperation is aggonising.
It makes me erratic and unstable.
Your presence is mandatory.
I crave the sensation of your skin upon mine.
Withdrawn from your substance.
I have become incongruous.
Your kiss is ecstacy.
Imparative for my wellbeing.
Seriously, Im delirious.
It makes me ache inside,
You left me.
How could you?
What makes you feel it was right...
I needed you.
Exceedingly, I loved you.
My devotion was not a grain of sand,
One star amoung the sky,
Or a freckle blemishing a single surface.
Millions scattered atop palmed skin.
My devotion was memorable.
Infinite.
A roll comparable to none.
Why would you forsake me?
Reliquished.
Abandoned.
Feeling completely alone...
Desolate.
I miss you.
I need you.
My thurst for you is never quenched.
Promise me,
Never leave me again.

<3

Bradley.
I love you.
I adore you.
I need you.
I cant stand not being with you.
It's driving me crazy.
I need you in my life.
I need you in my arms.
I need your kiss.
Seriously, Im going mad.
What makes me the most mad, is how you left me.
How could you?
What makes you feel it was right...
I needed you.
I loved you more than anyone.
Caring that much is special.
Why would you leave me?
Behind.
Abandoned.
Feeling completely alone...
Ugh.
I miss you.
I need you.
I fucking need you.
Promise me,
Never leave me again.

I dont even care.

Must say. If sure feels amazing when after you find out one of your loved family members may have cancer, your boyfriend just says that you'll get over it.
Fuck you Bradley.
Fuck you.

Worm Rats.

So. I'm here.
Pretty interesting. Reminds me of why I moved. The land is boring, the towns are dead, and my family snap. Good 'ol USA. The town they call big, is so tiny. It makes me miss downtown traffic of Victoria. Strange? I think so. Not having internet access sucks too...I mean I have it, but I barely am allowed to use it. Which puts quite the damper on the communications between Bradley and myself. Not cool. I am actually without him, and it hurts a lot. It is that knawing pain like a burn. Just keeps slowly burning your flesh and throbs.
Not only that but after waiting a few days to actually talk to him, he is grumpy. Doesnt want to talk to me because of work. Ugh! Why cant he just talk to me about it like he always does...this is so frustrating. I know the bad days come with the good...but fuck. I hate the bad days. I try to get past the bad says so the good ones come faster, but it still leaves a mark. :( It aches.

I dont know what to do about it. I dont know what to do about anything.

I went to the "hall" yesterday for a meeting. It was nice...if you like falsehood. It was sufficating. I walked into the dingy hall and caught a wif of the stale air. My dad even agreed. The entire hall was well lit, except for the corners, which I felt was very symbolic. Always in the light people were happy and welcoming, but it was always so bright and sickly sweet. I feel like its halloween every time I walk in. It's always followed by a bitter aftertaste. Every person that came up to me, I could tell they were cringing inside. Thinking to themselves, " Oh my, I wonder if she has..." this or that. You think of something "sinners" do, and I'm sure they think I've done it. Killed cats, small children; sex with anyone who came to me; sold myself for money; fornicated on film; worshoped false idols and gods...oh deary me, I've done it! :/ Least, that's what they would say. It's kind of frustrating. I wanted to answer one of the questions, but my dad leaned over to me and said "you know they wont call on you." Confused, he told me why. It's crazy how steriotypical, narrowminded, and snobby they have become. It's ridiculous. it makes me sick and i really just want to tell them off. Im tired of choking on their synical greetings. Blah.

My brother also needs to learn to be nicer. He yells at everyone for no reason, and is very rude to anyone. If he doesnt like he, he bitches. If he doesnt think its right, he complains. Its nice to be open about your feelings, but learn to control them. Learn to say things nicely and stop putting other people down because of it. Seriously. I got online a half hour ago, and apparently that's enough time to talk to Brad. :/ If he knew, if only he knew.

Hung out with Jori finally. :) :) :) It was pretty awesome! I miss that chika. Too bad she is working and schooling most of the time. :( It's funny, this town. They showed me some weed that they said was "rank".... it wasnt. All I can say was at least it was green. Paid 10$ for a small stem...pretty lame. I wanted to cause shit, but it was from a friend. :/

Yeah, I miss him still. Like crazy. It is horribly only being able to talkto him for an hour a day....aches. I cant believe how much I sleep here though! I think I do it because everytime I close my eyes, I dream about him and me together. That could be it. That or it's boring as hell. Hahahahah! No friends avaliable because theyre working, it sucks!

Thats all I want to write. Forgive my spelling, I didn't get spell check. :/

Help me to pick up the peices?

:) Alright. Time for an update! ^^

Got into a fight online with Mike M, Brad's ex room mate. He's being a dick, again. Every time I bring up Brad staying here or coming back here, he gets so defensive and rude. Bitter. It's annoying and I wish he would grow up and let Brad do what he wants without insulting me. Just because your girlfriend left you because she was over you, doesn't mean relationships are fake. It doesnt mean Brad and I cant have our amazing relationship that will last for a long time, back off. Seriously. I put up this post:
"thinks her boyfriend, Brad Weatherall, is crazy homesick and should just admit it so he can come home. :)"
What does he say? Not, awe that's cute. He misses you so much. Whatever...no. He says:
"Brad is home...."
And to add insult to injury, he sends me a private message saying:
"Not to sound like an ass hole but if brad liked BC soo much he wouldn't have moved back he's a big girl he didn't move cause I did I don't hold his hand"
I didn't care to go into detail with him about it because it is about Brad, not me and needs a response from him, not me. But in honesty, Brad felt obligated to go back. His family was pressuring him, he missed his nephew, and all his friends were guilting him. I know it's not a great reason to give in and move back, but at the time he felt alone. I know he regrets it, and is now debating coming back, but it is still really rude for his friend to say to me. Me, being his love; and him being one of his closest friends. Who would actually say that? All I ended up saying was "you're right, you do sound like an ass." I donno. I dont understand why he is still so bitter about us. Brad said Mike liked me, but I really dont like Mike. The last day he was here, the last night. All he talked about with Brad was about how he was dancing with girls and how he should have gone with him and yada yada. It really pissed me off and I couldn't stop crying. He said it right in front of me too. Nice friend huh? I did nothing to him, and I dont get why he is being such a dick. It really hurts my feelings. He knows how much we're in love, but I'm sure he doesn't believe it. I tried to talk to him about how I was upset about Brad moving, and he just told me. It's only been a few months, you'll get over him. Not nicely either, in rude, "I am going through worse pain than you so shut up" ways. I just cant get over how untterly rude he is being. The only reason he said he wanted Brad to be there was so he could be on the paintball team. Yeah. Real friend there. :/

I remembered today how much I liked busing. :) It's pretty awesome, and a nice amount of time to think. :) I bused to Langford today to see Tynan. Pretty fun! :D We had the most awesome food and watched the funniest movie. :) House of Wax. Pretty funny movie. We both agreed Paris made an excellent actor. I'm jealous of how well she portrayed a man. :p His mom's new boyfriend is...interesting. One minute he's nice and funny, the next he's a bit of an ass. I don't know what to think. :S

I'm leaving for Washington in a week. :) Pretty darn excited for that! A whole month away from stupid Sidney. :D Going to be nice. Lots of time to photograph...I'm pretty excited. :) Even got myself an art project to work on while I am there. :) Wish Brad was coming though, meet the family. I know he will one day, so that's okay. Oh! My! Goodness! He sent me the most amazing text today...I literally grinned from ear to ear. Damn, it's deleted from my phone...but what it said was that he couldnt wait to start a life with me. :D :D :D A life! Like, for real. Him and me. Together. :) Having a future, a life, a place. It's pretty exciting and makes my eyes glow thinking about it. I get so giggly when I think about it too! Tynan was the only one who knew about it, until now. :) Im prettttttttttyy happy!!! [[Other than Dick ManMike.]] <---- haha...witty pun!

Kendra is now, officially, 7 years old. I feel so old...

Have you ever felt so out of place....nothing anyone says can fix it? I do. I actually fall asleep at 8- 9 most nights. He's gone to sleep by then. Is it cheesy to say that I honestly dont feel a need to stay awake after I know he's asleep. After I have called him and heard his voice before he has fallen asleep. Is it cheesy to say I cant wait to wake up every morning just because I know I will have a text from him waiting patiently in my inbox? I feel out of place without him. I float from house to house, without feeling warm and at home. I see faces, but they're all blurred. Everyone seems to embody him because I need that presence so much. Is it lame that I feel that way? Is it desperate and lame that I actually feel I need him? I can be happy on my own, I am alive aren't I? Life just feels complete, full, and jolly when he is in it. :)
I miss him. :(
I told him I regretted letting him go. How I thought letting him go would be the easier thing to do. He said he did to, and wishes every day and night he would have asked me to come with him. He regrets not having me beside him...I regret it too.