Teach me sax?

Seems as though 420 made me particularly emotional.

I doubt that I get away with acting like that, no one should. When you're moody, you shouldn't take it out on other people.
Things built up, like my status said.
Ive pushed it away, out of my mind since I left that house. It's built up, and built up and on that particular day it exploded.
I exploded.
The feelings of isolation, being ignored, not important. Insignificant.
Not cool feelings.
I dont really have a single person to turn to here. Sure, my uncle and aunt are cool about listening to me, but it's not the same. It's not that bestfriend who you know has your back and will carry you through anything. That boyfriend who will love you no matter how crazy you act. That emotional support I needed but couldnt find in anyone really.
Sure, my mom helped, but that was in text.
I just hate how I've only really had one friend who has been there every single day for me. Him making the effort, as well as me instead of me making the effort constantly getting disappointed.
Its frustrating.
And now it's even worse because that one guy I thought was my friend. One that would be there if I needed him... is saying that I wasnt supporting of him.
WTF?!
Yeah. Im pretty pissed... and I dont understand why. I messaged him.. and am questioning if it was a good choice. Usually you shouldn't if your emotions are in the way. But I think I handled it okay..
I explained what happened when I was there, when I left, how I felt. I think I did it responsibly.. but I still question it.
I want to be his friend still.. but ugh.
It's so stupid.
Why cant he just grow up and stop thinking about himself. Thats what he does! He thinks about himself and is oblivious to other people. It's rediculous. I tell him when he's fucking up, and Im not there to tell him..
Im sure other people will tell him. But last time I checked, the other level headed friend he has is too scared to tell him anything.
He was acting immature and flakey. She wouldnt tell him, even after I told her she should. So, what happened? I told him. Bluntly.
If I hadnt, he wouldnt have known. Oblivious, and he needs to get told this shit. I dont understand.
I want to be his friend, but if he's not going to give a shit about a friend that has done a shit load for him... then he's not worth my time.

I want to say Im sorry to another friend.. who I was a little raw with. I didnt hold back my feelings and with everything she happened to say, it only angered me more and made me feel more obsolete. I shouldnt have said the things I did, and I know this. I am not the only one at fault, speaking rationally, but I do need to apologize for what I said. She is a great friend, and I care a lot about her. I hope she knows this, and will forgive me. <3

I was talking though, to that friend I said was there since day one.
He agreed. And I know when people move, people drift apart. But my best friend in the entire world, is still my best friend.
She lives in Washington, soon to move to Hawaii with her boyfriend. We dont see eachother often, but are so close. We stay in contact constantly and I love her to peices. She's moody, she's flakey, but she's my best friend. My other best friend and I are also still best friends, she also lives in Washington. I adore her.
If we can still be friends after I moved, why cant people from Sidney keep in contact? I have a freaking facebook to keep up with you guys! Is it so hard to reply to a wall post? Really?
Kind of rediculous people.

I love trident layers!

Haha, sorry. Commersial. (Darn not having FoxFire and spell checking..)
Anyway. I feel very left out of peoples lives just because I wanted to be in love. Really? Lamesauce.
I think some people just need to put in an effort to friendship more often.. Im tired of doing everything.
I might write another one of these later, Im bored of it now.
It's lunch time anyways.

: ) Bacon for lunch! Hurray! <3

Im a little mermaid

My first day back at McDs. It's weird because it feels like home when I go there. Maybe because I miss home so much... even the littlest thing that I was doing there will make me feel that little bit more comfortable in a land I have no idea how to control.
Im in a place that I dont even know the names of the streets, the people, the shops and what to do when I wake up. I really would like to actually close at these McDs... maybe close the WalMart one... then it's not as late but still closing. : )
I dont know.
I miss him.
Seems I always get really deep when I actually sit and write out my feelings instead of worrying about the time. It's not even 10... I have time. : ) Not leaving till 3.
So, I'm pretty sure I walked by Rachel McAddams the other day. I talked to my uncle and he said she's building a house near here and his friends at work have talked to her walking around town. Apparently she loves it here and you can see her a lot in town.

Kinda crazy.

Ive been talking a lot with Jim lately. My uncle.
We've actually talked about some really deep things. It's kinda cool. I just had a really upsetting talk one time.. he was kinda drunk.. and yeah. Not so fun. Bout his mom and my mom. Him saying his mom tries to make it so everyone is part of the family... well my mom doesn't feel that way. Granted, she feels really rejected by everyone because of her past. But, it's not my mom's fault. His mom actually said she didn't want us to come to the wedding of my other uncle. Like, that really doesn't reinforce the idea that she is wanting us to be part of the family. I dont get families like this anymore. Where there is so much drama, and stress, and discomfort.
I was so happy coming to my Uncles. They are so relaxed, his wife's parents. They're amazing. The first time I met them I did not feel any discomfort or uneasiness. I was able to just talk and talk when I first met them. They never reject anyone, and actually think I'm a great person. I heard the story about them meeting my uncle. They didnt think twice about if he was good for her or not. I wish there was more families like that.
I know, myself, I have been protective and not wanted to accept who my family has chosen. But, honestly, it's not my choice to make. They have found an attraction, they have found something good about this person that I dont know about. I cant pick that up like they did. My boyfriend, my family doesnt like him sometimes. They have come to like him now, but before it was all negative. I know there is something great about him, they didnt know about. I love him and there is a reason for that. If someone in my family picks someone to be with, they have a reason. I need to trust that, and just be there when things go awry, if they even do.
That's one of the many discoveries I've made living with my uncle. The other is that jealousy is a completely wasted emotion. Why should I be jealous of that girl who walks by, or that model on the page. He's not with them, he doesnt want them, he doesnt love them or crave them. Why do I even worry about it?
It's been a year, and we've been through so much shit... why do I even worry about another girl being pretty? It's not really her fault she's that pretty. It's genes, well, that and hard work. Who wouldnt be attracted to them? The fact that he choses to be beside me and love me, and not chase them is what I need to keep in mind. I mean the world to him, he said so. Jealousy is a waste of my time.
Im not 100% over it, but Im getting there. : )

I dont understand either... why people can not like someone without really knowing them. Like, my stepdad... why does no one really like him? He's not immature and lazy and childish. He's growing up and stuff... he works hard and supports a full family. Like an actual full family. 2 teenage girls and a baby girl. Not even getting to raise the teenagers, he just jumped into it full hearted. How can people think he's a bad person and not like him? It's not fair. I dont like how people can do that.

Well Im gonna get another cup of coffee now!