Friday, December 31, 2010

Soon.

So, it's the new year. A new decade. It should be some profound moment in my life...gushing with opportunity and bursting with potential. I cant help but feel ... nothing. My entire self is numbed by the thoughts I am trying to overcome.
That is why I have come to you.
Dear Blogger. Keeper of my secrets. I hope you can silence these thoughts.
They're about what they always lead to eventually. The standard of all men, the pinnacle of a gentlemen. My rock.
What am I supposed to do? We have this ridiculous tug of war that drives me crazy. First it's me, then it's him. And I dont know what to do! Honestly, out of everyone in my life he is who I want to go to when something bad happens. Something bad, or good, or drastic. Dramatic. Exciting. He is like a light house and Im lost at sea. Cliche, perhaps. True? Very.
He is contagious. No. He is addictive. He is a drug that I cannot take once. The millisecond his soul touched mine I felt engulfed in something I have yet to feel again. How can you meet someone with such an impact at such a young age? I cant believe in the possibility, which is probably why it's lasted this long. Honestly, I am not sure it is real.
It is strange though, he is in my head, yet he is just observing. I get the slightest insecurity, and he knows the exact thing to say to extinguish it.
Instantaneously.
It is like the second I think of it, he knows and bites my tongue for me.
We can go a year without speaking.
We have.
And when I recently got back in contact with him... I explained why I did. I had a moment of clarity. I thought of him, after months of pushing it aside in my head and I felt refreshed. I explained it to him, and he said he felt the same. He can be worked 14 hours a day, and exhausted.
And getting a simple "hello" he is overcome with this...refreshing feeling. I dont understand it at all.
It is something so much bigger than him or I.
I am not desperate. I am not a romantic. I am not influenced by movies, tv or couples. My own brain comes to these ideas, and it hurts.
There is a lingering pain there.
I am afraid...
The idea of being with one person the rest of your life...is one thing, among atomic warfare, that terrifies me. I get bored. If a rut comes along, I need out. Fast.
I was with my last boyfriend for over a year, yes. But we were only in the same place for months at a time. I think that is why it lasted. We were not together all the time.
Am I not someone meant to be with another?
I need to be pushed, inspired and dared. I need to reach my limits, and find his. I seem to find them too easy with most..and the initial interest fades quite quickly. I take on their interests to hold onto something, but it is empty.
We have talked on and off, but still have felt no less for one another.
Yet, what if we talked constantly? Would I become bored of the one person I never thought I would? Would he become bored of me?
Have I grown up too much? We met at 16... have we moved too far along in our lives?
I dont know what to do. What to think.
He knows my quirks. He tells me if I've crossed a line.
He isn't afraid to mold me.
I dont mean that in the sense that I would or could change for him, but in another way. More of a way that he is willing to push me and teach me. He has already taught me so much.
My world has expanded so much because of him. His, not so much from me.
There are things, however, I have done for him.
Maybe I am so into this idea of us because of his independence. His thriving life and the fact that adding me to the mix would not be a huge change for either of us.
I like the idea of having my own life, and him having his.

I dont know what to do. I cannot give into this feeling.
I cannot just let it consume me again. I fall too fast and much too hard for him if I let it happen. He is the top of the K2, and when I accept my feelings for him, I begin to plummet off, gaining speed quickly.

I am torn. What we have is from movies.
For him, every girl he's been with or met has been a distraction as he put it. I guess I give myself too little credit. Where I rate everyone I meet from the standards he has set, he finds things similar to me in them. One has my laugh, another my humor, and still another gives him a certain look which I once did. Subtle things he has all found similar which has drawn him to them. Unfortunately for them, he bores easy when they are not the same. These are not my words, they are his.
For me, I will also see things about them which remind me of him and I jump! Days later I find they are not so common, and my interest fades. Maybe this is why I get bored of people easy, leading me to the idea I have a fear of commitment.
I am unsure, however, it does sound plausible.
We've fucked each other up. Without the other, we are not happy, but merely content. Living each day as the last.
I cant admit this. I wont.
I wont let myself become careless and fall for him again.
He is my cryptonite.

I am so overwhelmed with this. We were like magnets...or puzzle pieces. Once put together, there was a snap. I knew it, he knew it. There was something there. Ever since then we've been pulled apart by others, jobs, life. Yet, we still snap together as if nothing has happened or years have passed.
An immortal caring.
Boy, that sounds childish. 8 year old girl childish. Im not a princess.
This isnt a fairy tale. I need to get a reality check.
We will never be a we.
He will never be with me.
It wont work out.....no matter what I tell myself.


No matter how low every man since him has fallen to the bar he has set...
Soon my heart will believe my head and all this will be over...

Soon...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

There's a green hippo in your shoe.

Hello world! :)

Not much new going on. Decided not to go to Germany, it just isnt working out right now. Oh, right. I was going to move to Germany for a year. :) A small town near Hamburg. It was all planned out, but I forgot the idea of having a back up plan. Lame-o. So, long story short, not moving to Germany.
Ill just have to go when Bethany graduates. :) That was my plan originally. We are going to move to Scotland for the summer, which Im super stoked about! I am the kinda person who wants to do that sort of thing.... but you already knew that.

It makes me wonder, well yesterday. I was discussing some things with my friend. We usually talk about things that evolve some brain work. It started with AA, and how I really dont agree with their methods. It lead to the extreme low which humanity finds itself. Human nature is actually soft and lazy now, its depressing. I found out that the schooling system is highly flawed, more than I thought. In the USA they have half days Thursday and Friday in most places. The schools rely on student attendance to get their funding. If they dont get the attendance, their budget goes down. They dont want that, so they'd rather have shit days which the students learn nothing just so they are there rather than losing funding. It's disgusting really. Humanity is fucked for the future.

I think I am going to make a list of things I want to do before I die. I already made one for books, lets try other things. It will certainly make getting them done easier. If you know what you want, you can strive towards it. Aimlessly trudging into the future not knowing what I want, is like a blind child looking for something that they do now know what it feels like. Anyway, gonna go!
Peace.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Hey jude.

Again, been a while.
This who concept seems to keep slipping my mind. I do need a place to explain everything Ive been thinking... since my friends and I really aren't on a daily discussion basis.
So, here goes.
I broke up with Brad yesterday. I still love him, but it wasnt hurting us both to hold on. I want to go to school, which can take 4 years or more. I want to move, document, and explore the world. I just realized that if I have a teaching degree I can move to another country and teach.. might be something to look into! Id love that. :)
I want to do that though, and not have roots. Ive come to a realization that I have a problem with commitment. Which made me think about my life... and how I've been without a boyfriend my whole life until him...unlike a huge majority of my friends. Theyve all been in and our of relationships... and look at where they are. I can see things happening for them, but nothing spectacular. I feel like a glow is starting to spread around me now that Im single. It makes me think about why I was single for so long, and why I never had a guy. Everyone says that things happen for a reason. Maybe my being single was a reason.
Not being with a man has given me the power to view myself and discover who I am. I haven't been infatuated and created myself based off of who I am with at the time. I am me, and love me or leave me but that's how it's going to be.
I also have had time to think about what I really honestly want to do with my life. I have never been content with the idea of mediocredy. Like Oscar Wilde said once, everyone can survive but it is truly rare to live. I want to live. I want to hold the world in my hand! I have big plans... and I dont want anyone to hold me back or to tie me down.
My heart warms and swells when I think about it. I dont want to have to wait for someone else to make my choices. I feel that me being single most of my life has given me the opportunity to actually do the things I want. Like I have potential in the world, and this was giving me a chance to see that I do. Like there is something Im meant to do. :)

Its nice. Ive felt single for a while... just having made it final. I love him, but again, it wont work. We want different things. Only a couple people know. My mom, My uncle and aunt, Chris, Shannon and Tynan. I dont really feel the need to tell anyone else. I dont feel like I have to broadcast it.

I dont know exactly what else to say. I wanted to get that out. I feel pretty awesome though, because Chris still cares about me. I dont want a relationship, but it's nice to know after almost 6 years he's never found anyone like me. It was like a movie... one of those romantic movies. LOL! He said he'd never gotten over me, and every girl he's ever been with since me was just a distraction. They never lasted longer than 4 months, if they got that far. I feel pretty special.
I guess it all started... me thinking about him again.. when I got a fortune cookie that said your first love never forgot about you. Which is when I decided to find him and talk to him... because I still care about him and never forgot about him. Then, he said he never did. ^^ Pretty cool. He said I was pretty unforgettable. Which is surprising because I always thought I was so normal and boring. :) But I have finally admitted it, haha, Im awesome! :) Im a catch, just takes a while to pin me down. Im not into being tied down anymore. ;)

I like being free like this. I feel like the old me again. :) Anything is possible! Im going to not look for romance anymore, if it is meant for me it will find me. :)
I aint gonna go looking for shit like that. :p

Christmas concert tonight for Katie. Haha! Should be fun. :)
Im out, gotta clean for the party this weekend.
<3