Allie's Secret ; )

Kinda dumb having a place I came to write to get things off my chest...where I never worried about what it said...I now have to watch what I say.
Pretty dumb.

People should... mind their own business? Yeah, that works.
Life's pretty awesome except for the lack of boyfriend. :( I miss him. A lot.
Im really torn inside about it too. I've been struggling to understand why Im hated...so suddenly. Maybe it was already there and I didnt notice...maybe it was slowly coming and I didnt see the signs. I dont know.
I do know, that it's pretty unjust.
Im supposed to ignore what other people say because they're just emotional and angry...
but if it's me..then it's taken full heartedly. Every thing I say is made to be ... sudden truth of how I feel. When really, I say a lot of shit out of spite and anger in the moment.
Happened all the time as a kid, told my family I hate them.
I dont. They're amazing. I said it though, and they knew it's just the heat of the moment.
Why dont other people understand that? They can say it and it's just emotions, but I cant.
Trey gay.

Im pretty much over it though. Not my fault.
All I gotta do is get my jobs lined up. Got 2, now I just need a P/T weekend job. :)
Here's my plan:
Once I get paid I wont walk an hour to work, but take a cab.
Country Time in the morning.
Boston Pizza in the evening.
Golf course on the weekends. Hopefully it all lines up. :)

Also, my savings plan!
Im going to open up three new savings accounts.
:)
One: Savings for my trip back to BC. <3
Two: My trip to New York with Jori. <3 Pre-wedding thing for her.
Three: My trip to Europe. I wanna go with my sister and maybe two friends. See the world, backpacking... It's an experience I would have LOVED my big sister to take me on if I had one... hope she'd enjoy it the same way.
Four: Savings for an apartment and life without a job post surgery.

I say four because I already have a savings account opened. :)
Yes. It's quite a lot of money to be saved. But the Europe thing wont happen for at least 2 years...and the NY wont happen for a year or so.
And I have 6 or 7 months until the others.
Ill put priority with saves on account four and one. :)
I calculated that I can save up to 2k for the apartment thing..in 6 months and I havent done the calculating for BC yet. But! I dont have to worry about rent yet..because my uncle said not to worry about it. He's worried about me getting on my feet and being able to stand alone.

Haha...side note! This makes me giggle. Im sitting here crosslegged on a chair away from the computer with the wireless keyboard. Looking at the tv and watching it...while I type. Makes me laugh because if Brad saw me right now he'd be angry. :P He hated that I can type on my phone and the computer without looking...and yet so fast.

Back to the rest. My uncle and aunt are wanting me to save as much as I possibly can for life. Im ready for that. :) I am ready to rake in the cash and store it all up. Without rent, for now, it's not going to be that hard. :) Hopefully I can get the jobs I want. I already have Country Time lined up for the mornings, got hired today. :) Training for BP starts the last day of my work week I have planned...or they gave me. :) It sucks..but my first day isn't until the 9th of March. It will work out though.
This Saturday I get to go to the job fair for the golf course. I will apply for full time nights though, because if BP falls through I can have that. If not, Ill just change it to PT weekends. :) How epic would that be if Im working 3 jobs? THREE cash flows. Ha!
Yes..I could get worn out easy...
But I'm going to pace myself. I mean...I don't know. All of the places I would be going to...will be upbeat. :) Each day isn't going to be like another, which I like.
Now I just need to work on having the memory I need. xD CT doesn't have the screens Mcdicks did. Gonna have to remember 4 orders in a row..yay me! I'm sure I can do it. :)
I have a big problem though.
I plan things out...way too much. Because of it, when things on my list don't happen, I get depressed. I need to move past that.

Woah. I just noticed that my keyboard has a clock on it... WTF?!

I dont wanna talk amymore... I think I've updated you all so far.
By all...I mean my BFFS...who I believe should know about my life.
So bugger off.

No ones here.

I hate you. I hate you for everything you do.
I hate you for everything you've done.

You can never say the right thing.
You can never do the right thing.
You're full of things I dispise.
You disgust me.
When I see you, I wish I hadnt.

I wish we never met.
I hate how you smile.
I hate how you smell.
I regret everything you've done.
Repulse.
I hate you.

Why cant you change?
Why cant you be what I want?
What happened?
What went wrong when you were conceived?
Why do I hate you?
Why do I hate your everything?

I hate you.
I wish you lived up to their standards.
I wish you could make him love you.
I wish you would make a difference to someone.
I wish you mattered.

I hate how your hair fall around your face.
I hate how you cant get what you crave.
I hate how you cant get him.
I hate when he turns on you, and you feel it's your fault.

Stand up for yourself.
Be a woman. Please.
I wish you didnt love him.
I wish you couldnt love him.

Why.
Why does everything he says make your heart beat?
Why is he the reason you wake up?
Why does he matter?

I hate that he matters.
I hate that you care.
I hate how no matter what, you cant let go of him.
I hate you.
It's not a fairytale.
Grow up.
He doesnt love you.

Please.
Grow up.

I hate you.

I hate you. Yes, you.

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.
Im sick of your fucking shit. Yes. Im writing this about you, get over it! I came to see you so I dont have another fucking soul to talk to about it! THIS IS HOW I DO IT! FUCK YOU!!!

Im sick of you.
Im done.
Finished.
You're out of my head. Out of my heart.
I hate you.


I wish you were here right now just so I could slap you in the face and kick you in the balls.
You've killed any hope I've ever had of EVER FINDING LOVE!
FUUUUUCK YOU!!!!!

IM SO FUCKING DONE!

Blistex

HEY LOVES OF MY LIFE!
How are YOUR lives?


Well I just now, or 30 min ago...started using Wii Fit. xD Yes, I gave it to the craze. But it really works. It's fun too...and I can do yoga without going to a class and embarrassing myself. I like things like this though...you can focus on whatever muscle you want and just work on it for a while. :) Get my legs in shape again! :)

Im excited for that. But Im really upset with my mother. She had this choice a while ago to be with Dave, my stepdad or Cash her friend. She obviously picked Dave. But now he is calling her (Cash) and they will flirt and giggle for hours and Dave just sits there trying to occupy himself. I understand she needs to have friends, but it's bordering. Clearly. She talks to him about everything, as if he is her second husband. Seriously. It's sick and every time I hear it I get so grossed out. How can she think it is innocent? I've kept it quiet for a long time, but today was the limit.
Today we were texting, my mother and I, and she was talking earlier about how Dave never tries to show her he loves her. No little gifts, no romantic nights, no candle lit dinners....and how she wanted him to do something for Vday for her. Well...today she decided to talk about how she thought it was so cute that Cash wanted her to go back to the states. Clearly meaning he wanted her to come with him...and she was picturing it in her head, obviously. I found it disgusting. Mostly because she did the same thing to my dad and I knew it was only a matter of time before she did it to Dave. I felt it coming, she cant handle being with someone when things go wrong. If hard times come about, she wants to run. She wants something perfect, which will never be there. She just needs to accept it...and Im so sick thinking she would ditch another guy just because he's not the perfect soap opera guy. I know I shouldnt really be talking about this, but I need to get it off my chest.
It's gross.

She needs to stand up and be an adult, not a little teenager. Reliving her teen and 20s that she never got to experience without kids. That time has past, and she needs to accept it. Im sorry...she can do things. Party, have friends, drink...whatever. Just know that you have a husband and a family and you cant just frolic off with any guy that gives you attention.


Did I mention I love Brad? He's so cute. :) I found a couple pictures of him as a kid. SO adorable! I asked him if he thought he was a cute kid, and he disagreed full heartedly. He was though, so cute. So adorable. AND! I saw him...this make me almost cry. He was wearing a tux, with the biggest smile on his face, at a wedding, WITH A CALLILILLY! That is my favorite flower! And the one I'd totally have at my wedding....it was cute! He had the biggest smile....I was so giggly. He felt really embarrassed though when he saw me looking at it. He hated it cus when he took his jacket off, he looked Amish. :P So cute though..

Gonna drink tomorrow night...hopefully. :) Should be fun. ;)

PS...I like stretching. I forgot how much I did like it. :) I really miss TaeKwondo now.... Ugh! :(

MoonChild.

So I have now applied to numerous job listings. I hope I get something. :) I have expanded my horizons and decided to not be picky. Apply to everything that you can physically do.
I almost applied for an assistant management job...what Asian Steve used to do...haha. Think I can get it if I tried? Me thinks not. But it would be cool. It would be 2k a month...almost 3. Now add that to Brads 1200 a month...that would make a nice living. :) We could even rent a nice apartment and get a really nice car! :D Id be down for that...instead I decided to apply for jobs more in my ...range.
Besides. 15$ an hour would be nice...wouldnt it? Wow. It would also be 2k a month...for the 15$ an hour. Wow.
Hey, did you notice that the grammatical rule fails there? "A" is with a consonant and "an" is followed by a vowel. Well, you use an if its for "an hour". Why is that? Oh well.

So I applied to lots of jobs, as I've said. Hostess jobs, receptionist, secretary, manager, administrative assistants... all pretty cool. But I also applied for jobs with acting. One was for a reality show, one for a music video, and one to be a movie script writers personal assistant. :) Pretty stoked to hear back. It's all rather exciting. I also applied to be part of an art gallery for photography. :) Should be fun.
It's been a kind of busy past couple of days. I have yet to have time to myself.

Also. I was pretty upset. There was this really cute house for rent, within our price range. But it was gone...which made me sad. Oh well. Guess it's just not our luck to get a good place... yet at least.
I got so frustrated. So many GOOD cute apartments are for rent...and cheep! But Brad wont have anything to do with it because he doesnt want to live downtown. UGH! Makes me angry...and I wish that he would just see that it's a better idea. Otherwise, we could be in this house forever.

I want to walk down to Macs soon. Should be fun.
Jello is being served now. Should probably go and get some. It's the two layer kind...lol! Yeah, we're that talented. :)

I really really cant wait to get out though. Brad's sister is being such a pregnant bitch. Snide comments, talking behind peoples backs, insulting everyone, gossiping, hormonal. Ugh. Just, bitchy. I wish she'd stop. She is constantly starting fights with Brad, it's really immature and dumb. Sometimes when she does it I just want to pipe up and say, does that really need to be argued about?? But I keep my mouth shut because they are opening their house to us...and I should be grateful. No matter how much she reminds us that it's all hers and we shouldn't cross her.
Ugh.

Punch to face.
Alright, I'm done now. :) Bye!
Until we meet again. <3

Hasta Luego.

So. New mission:

Get Brad to move downtown.

I just drove down there to see the bus route to the Hospital...wow. It's like a cute little city. I love it. :) I really want him to move there. :( To let us move there. :(
Tonight was an interesting night. Got called lazy by his family.. that's always fun.
His ex commented on his status, talked to him about how I thought he lost interest in me..
Drove downtown and he was kind enough to show me where his ex girlfriend, the same one who commented on his status, lived. Saying whenever he went to Barrie, that's where he was. Lovely.
Then. When we got home epicness occurred. I opened the cabinet door and out fell a Starbucks mug. Propelling itself down into my bowl of cesaer salad with cut pieces of bread atop. In doing so salad and bread flew across the kitchen and all over the floor. It was amazing and happened in a total of 4 seconds. But after this, Brad had a little giggle and said these words that will haunt me...
"You're going to be the best wife for some lucky guy"

WTF?! What is that supposed to mean?? Does that mean he has no interest at all in being with me that long? Is this just a thing he doesn't see lasting very long? Does he plan to leave me after time? Is he planning something with someone already? WTF! How am I supposed to know what is going on in his head if he never talks to me, and then pops those words.
I am terribly confused.

On a side note, I'm very excited to go into the city tomorrow. Well...not the "city", but downtown Barrie. :) After I am done in the hospital I am going to sit by the water front, tour the town, and visit the shops. :) I'm very excited. It's the cutest place, and I really want him to let us move there. I want the waterfront, I want the busy streets, I want the sidewalks with tourists bustling about. I like busy.
I grew up in a tiny town, I crave adventure and excitement. I crave the city life. Brad, doesnt. He's a homebody and content spending his days video gaming, getting high, and working. I want to go out on weekends and do things, go places; not sit at home watching him race.
I want a cute little apartment, not a house. I want that part of my youth, I dont want to throw it away just because I'm with a guy at the moment. Heck. I'd even get a job, save up, and move there on my own and he can visit me. :p He'll give in eventually... just a matter of when.