Hope, SO immature!!

Im so tired of you. I cant stand it. You are the biggest, most immature bitch of a person I know! What the fuck happened to you so you'd act like this?! What was so awful in your life that you think the world owes you?! Grow the fuck up, I'm so tired of you. I know for a fact you were raised better than to act like such a spoiled princess. The world doesn't revolve around your fucking little crown and wishes. Get off your pedestal, or I'm going to knock you off it. You are the most selfish person. I am so enraged right now I want to cry, scream, throw things, and break walls. You are the only person in my entire life that has made me this angry. You are the only person that I have actually gotten physical because I was so enraged. I kicked a wall because of you. I have almost ripped out so much of my hair, because of you. Everything I have ever done in rage that was uncontrollable, was because of you. You make me so mad I cant contain it. Grow. The. Fuck. Up. I wish with ever fiber in my body I could punch you in the face and take you down a notch. The world is not about you and if you keep thinking this way, someone will end up doing something about it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK! It's that rage that actually feels like it's bubbling....I HATE YOUR SPOILED ASS!!!! GET OVER IT!

awkward chicken dance man

So I work tomorrow at 8...am. Not too impressed considering I forgot about it until after I had planned a night out with the girls, and Kalen. :/ Not so happy. But I am home again, and I will sleep tonight. Early.

I noticed something today. I haven't stepped foot in my apartment for a week...
An entire week. I couldn't figure out why until tonight. It is fine there, not super cold, and my bed is there along with my cloths. I figured out why tonight however. It occured to me when I decided since I wasn't sick anymore I should go home. In my mind I was ready, but in my gut I was not. All I could think about was how whenever I walked through the door all I felt was the cold, stale air engulfing me. It doesn't feel like home, it doesn't make me happy when I walk in anymore. As much as I don't like my parents, I just want to come back. It's warm there, I am not alone there. I do not think about his lips on my skin or his arms wrapped around my waist while sleeping every night. It feels like it did when he had his own apartment, which will only prolong my problem, but it soothes me. I can wrap a pillow up in his sweater, close my eyes and feel his breath again upon my neck. I adore him, and I cant handle being in our home alone without him. All he does is work his ass off to save money so he can buy a car and get a place for us to stay so I can come back with him. He is working so hard to get me there, so hard. I feel weak compared to him. He cries at night, he misses me, but he works so hard. He continues his life and he strives to do his best. I need to do that. I need to stop being depressed, and just get my ass in gear to save money for him! I want to move back home. I don't want to be the loser that moves back home, but I need to. For him. I will do anything for him. I will sell my bass! Yes! Yes. I love it, but I need to. I never use it. It will be for him. <3 For my Bradley.

I went to school today. It was pretty interesting. I was not feeling up to par for working, so I called in. I talked to Mr. Gogol about my idea, and he agreed. I'm happy. It will be the best thing to see his face when I show him the picture! <3 <3 <3 <3 I also went to writing class again! I am so going to post my awkward man description. :D It was amazing. You will all get a great giggle out of it! Oh, and Brad and I had a fight. But we're good again. I got mad...and he apologized. :)

So. I have a question for all of you out there. Firsts; which do you remember most vividly? I remember with the most detail the first time I saw my mother cry, my boyfriend cry, and my father cry. I guess those are the things that get to me most. I also remember the first time I ever slept with Brad...haha. Not that way...I'm meaning over night. It was very cute, I adore him. Rawr! Bed!
Peeeeeace!

Cherry fingernails.

Going to work.
Four hours...can't take a full 8 today. Even if I should. Id pass out.
Soooooo....off I go!
I really wish Ontario people were smarter...stupid people making my baby mad. >:(

Connected.

[[Should be edited if it's going to be anything more than a post...]]

I cried today for you.
Because you couldn't hold my hand at the doctors.
Or laugh at Kiera's expression when I went through drive thru with my doctor's note.
You couldn't whine because I wouldn't pick a gorie enough movie.
Or kiss me on the forehead while I was sleeping, because you were weird like that.

I cried driving home today for you.
Because I bought a mug especially for you, but I couldn't see your smile.
Because I couldn't kiss you good bye when I left the house.
Or give you a giant hug when I saw you.
Because You couldn't complain about my amazing driving.

I cried waking up today for you.
Because I couldn't hear your laugh, or see you do a little jig.
Because you couldn't see my sister's face when she read the text for her birthday you sent.
She was so happy...

I cried for you today.
Because we couldn't walk through the mall holding hands.
You couldn't whisper in my ear how much you don't deserve me when clearly you do.
You deserve the best that I can give you.

I hate crying for you.
I cant help it.
Even if you're not in my arms, you're in my heart.

I cried today for you.
Because I couldn't mock you about having a vanilla raboose tea latte.
Or see you run across the house in your boxers whimpering about cold floors.
But mostly I cried,
Because you're not here.


Who's going to hold me when the tears come tomorrow?

Tu Sais Cest Necessaire Love

You really hurt my feelings. What you said was not "reality", it was rude. What friend would say that to another? You dont realize the pain she put me through, and you dont know the whole story. I dont have to explain myself to you. I have every right to feel how I do without being told I am being immature about it. That is all.

So, I went to a hockey game today. Not lots of fun. I really dont like it because of the fans. It's unfair and bias. The other team scores, everyone either boos or there is no noise. The home team scores, there are buzzers, music, yelling, everything. I dont think it's fair. Sports are supposed to have sportsmanship! How is it sportsmanly to boo when the other team wins, scores, or anything? The entire game the best player was on the opposite team and nobody at all cheered for that person when it was announced. So rude. They worked so hard, and played so well and no one cared. I found it rude, and it really turns me off sports. But anyways, at the game I went to the bathroom and as I was coming out and going to my seat my phone ran. :D It was Bradley! My heart actually skipped a beat. :) I was confused because it still cost him long distance to call me, but he did. Why? Because he couldnt wait any longer to hear my voice. We talked for about 20 minutes, it felt so good. To hear him laugh, and just speak. I miss it so much. I almost cried. There was one part that was so funny. :) I said "You know, Brad, you should, um, get on a plane. And come see me." :D :D :D He laughed and said " No, you get on a plane and come see me." He wants me there so bad....ugh. I want to be there so much. I miss him like mad crazy.

I hate this distance with ever fiber of my being. I want to walk into my house and see him waiting for me. All snuggled up in bed with his sweater on and the blanket up to his neck with just his head and fingers poking out. :) So adorable. I want him. :(

F.U.J.C.

FUCK YOU WHORE! YOU CONTINUE TO RUIN MY MOODS! GO THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AWAY!
.....UGHHHH!!!!!

Three gays and a diva.

Time to update.

Been trying to listen to music to get my mind off my loss, sometimes it works. It really sucks when songs come on that remind me 100% of him, or myself. Im listening to Stand right now, and it sucks. Not the song, I love the song. It sucks how true it is. Every time I think about him, about my life, about the things wrong, I feel like that candle. It is so hard to stay glowing when so much crap is thrown at you. Just like my mother. We have both had so much thrown at us, nothing is ever right. When things get right, the only thing we can say about it is "something is about to go wrong". We take so much, but we just grit our teeth and push forward. Like we are walking through a storm. I always think I am never given more than I can handle, but I really wonder. Why is it that I keep getting one shit show after another? I just get through something very hard for me to deal with, and then something else comes! Why? So many people have such an easy road of life to walk down, why is my full of pot holes and tree branches? I just think the road is clear, and bam, I've fallen on my face. I really dont understand. What makes it so I get this, and others dont? I feel fragile, but I know I'm not. I'm that gritty piece of meat dogs knaw on, so is my mother. We are tough, but we are still tried to be ripped apart. I really dislike being so strong. I wish I could just give in, and I'm sure I've talked about this before. I wish I could just give in, quit fighting, just accept life as is. Why do I insist on trying, pushing, tearing and fighting for something better, when I will only get my face snuffed by fate's foot? I confuse myself.

I have been hanging out with Kalen a lot lately, but not for that reason. It feels that hanging out with him dulls the pain of Brad being gone. He is there with me at work, and during the day and when it's late. I dont feel alone when he is there. And because of that, I dont ache inside. My mind, for those moments, are off of how much I crave for my Bradley. How much I want to feel his arms around me and his gentle kiss. Fuck. People say this is supposed to help me, but it always just makes me cry. I've tried to keep him being gone out of my mind, I try and distract myself. I try and act normal so hard. Does him being gone effect my normality? Have I changed? Is that piece of me I gave to him, gone? I really feel it is. I feel that piece is with him, and I wont ever get it back until he comes back. I was talking to him today, like I always do, and it made me smile. I mentioned to him how I regretted letting him go. How I wished I would have asked him to go...or would have gone with him. I know he wouldnt have stayed, but I regret with every fiber of my being not going with him. Every day I imagine how it would have been, every day. Every night, every afternoon, every hour. It was my biggest mistake. I am here, going crazy without him. I mentioned it to him. He said what I thought he would have, no. No he wouldnt have stayed. But after that...he said he wished I went with him. That he is going crazy without me, and that the seat next to him should have had me in it. He wishes that every day I would have come with him. It's ridiculous. I was that person who changed his mind, and I couldnt see it. He refused the idea of marriage, kids, a long term relationship. He didn't want to be with someone as they aged and changed. When he left, he said he wanted to be with me, for good. He said if I was pregnant, he would come back. He would pay for everything I needed until he could come back and bring me back with him. Not kill himself, run away, or leave me. He would stay. He would spend every penny he could on me. I changed that, but I couldn't see. I was so blinded by being hurt later on that I just let him go. You know that song...what hurts the most? Yeah. It's like my life right now. It kills me to walk into a room with friends we both had, and I'm alone. They ask me how it's been since he left and it takes so much in me not to cry. I cant even listen to the freaking song without crying. It's lame, in that sense I feel so weak. I cant even listen to a song, but I can spend night after night without his arms around me....but the fucking song makes me cry. I dont understand myself. Why do I not cry walking into our old house, see his shoes on the floor, know he wasnt coming back; but I can for a fucking song. I dont understand anything. So, he likes his job and everything there. It's all lining into place for him. I'm happy for him, I just feel awful because...fuck! It's really like we were meant to be together longer, and this move fucked it up! I cant get enough of him, and his love. I really should have gone with him.

So I'm pretty much a little piggy. Gots me the swine flu, awesome right? I thought so. Couldn't work or anything. Got my sister's birthday present though. :D Spent 2 and a half hours rumaging through Toys - R - Us with Kalen until I found something. I'm not so sure I like it...kind of wish I got something more awesome. Its a my little pony fair, with the feris wheel and giant slide...guess it's cool. Don't know if it will be good as the bike my mom got her though. I wanted to get her a skateboard or a tool kit for her, but my mother said no. :/ Lame. She loved my long board, and could ride it by herself. But whatever, my mom wants me to get her normal little girl things, when clearly she isnt normal. She is a raging tom boy, like I was. I would have liked the tools or skateboard way better. I also wanted to get her a little science kit because she really likes science now. :D Like I did. We are pretty alike, I just wish she never stole my race cars... :| I miss those cars. Oh well, she will just be happy I am there. :) I am saying in the card that it's also from Brad. :) It's cute how she misses him too. Whenever she saw him she got so excited and always ran to him. She always can judge people, and she saw how nice he was from the start...just like I did. :) He was always happy to see my little sister, I think it reminded him of his nephew. When we had my parents over for dinner, he was trying to remember how to feed his nephew, it was adorable. Ugh. We would make the cutest baby, we honestly would. :p

Just in case you're wondering, I am pretty sure I love Brad with all my heart. And baby, I've been waiting all my life to get a guy like him. He is so much better than anyone gives him credit for! He has just had such a hard life, and no guidance, that he didn't know how to express himself or know what he is actually worth. What he deserves. He deserves the absolute best he could ever get...I just wish he would realize it. He is so amazing, and so worth a love like mine. Aww...look at that...Allie is getting mushy. :p Im very excited to see him again, I'm going to blow him away!
Aww! I just found this song...by Rascal Flatts...so good. It's called "The Man in Love with You"
So good. It says if there is anything I could be, anything I wished I could be. If I could rule the kingdoms or sail the seven seas I would still be the man in love with you. :D So adorable. I feel I am that to him... or made him think that about me. Haha. I'm lame. This blog is so totally about Brad, haha.

Oh! When I was hanging with Kalen we talked for about an hour in English accents...and then we tried to stop but couldnt! xD Hooked to the accent! I found it rather hilarious. :)

That is all.
Peace. xoxo

Red head, bed head.

It's been a few days. Figure I should update. I kind of like this idea, because then people I dont see very often can still feel updated in my life. :) Not out of the loop!

So today .... sucked.

Started off waking up at 8, which is good because I need to start waking up earlier. However, it sucked. I work at 2, and my throat was very soar. Scratchy. My head seemed like it was about to explode. So, I got all ready for work at around 12. Showered, did the hair, the usual. I figured if I went in early and had some tea it would all be better. :) Wrong. It wasn't better, and it wouldn't for the rest of the night. I have to work tomorrow at 9 am. Shift verification. Blah. So...I thought maybe if I did well that night I could leave early so I could sleep and be well rested for tomorrow. Verdict? Nope. My retard of a boss was there and she had to close. So, of course I couldn't leave. She does nothing so sick little me had to stay. I am serving food...I shouldn't be there! Management sucks ASS! Everything is great about it normally, only you still have to work when you are sick. D: LAME! I swear I was tricked into this position. It's so bad. I feel like Chris now, I understand how he feels. I talked to him about it tonight, why he has started to care less and less for his job. He is pushed to do so much but he is never recognized for it. Im pretty sure I am going to get treated the same way, and I am not up for that. I really am upset at how my boss thinks that by promoting me will stop me from moving away, or getting another job. Screw that. Whether I am a manager or not has no difference on if I move or not. I am going on vacation for over a month, and I am going to leave in a few months. The management is very nice of my record....but that's all I am one for. I would much rather just stay crew honestly. Other than the pay increase also.. :)
I also found out tonight that my boss has never worked at another job. McDonald's is the only job she has ever had. I have already had at least 4 jobs.
Also speaking of work; I pretty much broke down for the first time and cried at work. I haven't done this yet, and I've been able to hold it together. But today it seemed to be too much. What made me madder about it, was that people talked to me like I need to just "suck it up" and be strong. Fuck you. Honestly. You have no idea what I have delt with in my life, what I have gone through, what I have felt. You dont realize how strong I actually am, how much of a rock I am. I am very emotional, and I get hurt. But the amount I can actually hold within my heart and my head without breaking is emense. I hate being talked down to like that, especially by someone who clearly has not gone through anything to the extent I have. I never talk about what I have gone through to people to make them respect me or think higher of me. Not once have I used my experiences to get pity from people. I feel that is stupid, degrading, and childish to do such things. I will just take what I experience to heart and learn from it. Don't you dare look me in the eye and tell me to "suck it up buttercup." Like I am some spoiled child who just lost my allowance. It pisses me off. I am so strong and can hold so much in, take so much of a beating in life. It's ridiculous. I wouldn't be giving this chance to grow, and to understand the true pain and loss it is to have the one I love leave me, if I couldn't handle it. That is my view. If I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't be giving to me to deal with. Im just so tired of being belittled like that. I am a force to be reckoned with.

Oh right! Why I cried. :)
Everything at work was going relatively well. I had a nice laugh when I came into work today and found Kalen in a crew uniform...plus hat. :p He forgot his managers shirt...so it was great fun. We all got a good chuckle out of it. But as time went on, he made this joke. He was "cheating" on me with Kiera and I was the one that gave him sex, only I wasn't putting out so he went to her. Who was sensitive and wrote him poems and they were planning to get a tattoo together. I knew it was perfectly pinpointed at myself and Brad. Pissed me off a lot and I didnt talk to him after that. It really hurt, and then after that I got a text from Brad. He was explaining his day and such, normal text. Then at the end he said oh! I forgot! and since the text wouldn't hold more I waiting for the next to come in. The next said that he forgot to tell me he was madly in love with me...and was going crazy without me beside him. It was the sweetest thing I have ever read from him. I was fine and could hold it together a little while, then I looked at Kalen from behind for a brief moment and thought it was Brad. I almost ran up to him and hugged him, that was when I couldn't take it anymore. Im very tired of him not being here, now with me. My heart tells me to get a credit card, buy a ticket, and go see him now. No matter what the consequences are financially. I know, however, in my head that I cant do that. I have too much here to deal with. I have my job, applications for college, my friends, my family, everything. I cant leave it now, and it tears me up inside every time I think about it. I am so stuck here, that it kills me. Kendra wouldnt be able to bear it without me. She went crazy when I left for the summer, and now that I have moved out she cries every time she sees me. I couldnt leave her, not now. Im her hero, I cant just abandon her. She's my best friend. I actually had a dream last night about Brad and myself. We had a little girl, only she wasnt born yet. He came here to get me and bring me back to Ontario. I remember vividly how I was laying on the couch and I heard him tell his sister that he wanted to be with me forever. He wanted our little girl and myself to have the best lifes possible and he was going to do everything in his power to make it so. I am pretty sure I woke up crying. :/ It's been an emotional few weeks. Sucks.

Coolest thing happened though. I am sitting here at my mom's house, and my friend brought me soup. :) Not just any ol' soup...home made amazing chicken noodle soup. <3 He is really a great guy, wish we could find him someone to cheer him up.

Im pretty sure it's past 12 and I was aiming to be in bed at 11. So.....good night!
xoxo All my love Bradley xoxo

Nibbles....the warrior cat!

I really fucking hate bad service areas! It's taken me at least 20 minutes between texts to talk to Brad. And we both get so confused. Im so mad. Ugh.
I hate the cat when she gets her cold feet all over me.
I hate how the garbage is starting to smell because WE DONT HAVE A GARBAGE CAN!
I hate missing him.

I love how I can still hear his voice in my head.
I love how the kitty is becoming a fighter. :p
I love how comfy my bed is and how easy I can fall asleep now. :)

I really wish my room mate would clean up her stuff and put her bed away.
I really wish I went with him.
I really wish I didnt have to work at 8 tomorrow. Fuck.
I really wish I could phone where ever I wanted, for free! :D
I really wish I made more money.

I need a break.
I need a kiss.
I need a back rub.
I need a friend to vent to...without it seeming like I only talk about him.
I need to take a shower.

Peace. :)

I wish, I was a fish.

Guess that blog after work never happened. Guess I'll just mix it all together in this one. :)

I don't know exactly where to start. My roommates are pissing the hell out of me. Since I have moved in, I have been the only one to do the dishes and keep the place clean. One day my female roommate cleaned the house up, and tidied things...but that was once. I dont understand why they cant just put things away and back where they belong so there wouldnt have to be big clean up days. Use shoes and come home? Put them away. Cloths? Dirty hamper. Plates? Sink. Seriously, how hard is it?? Not only that, but she has this stupid hide-a-bed that she agreed to put away every day. Does she? Big surprise. Wake up and her shit is laying all around the bed and the living room, draped along the table, and the bed isnt put away. On top of that, she is starting to just throw the cushions where ever. I got home, and they were on my bed. You cant just get away with this shit. You're moved out, which means you have to start being a fucking adult. No time to play kiddie and have mommy pick up after you and wipe you. Grow up. You have a little kitten you are supposed to be taking care of, yet you are out every night till midnight. Thought you were supposed to be going to school at 5? The cat sits at home now alone for hours until I get home to feed it and comfort it. Really annoying. There is just so much going wrong with this move. Hole in the window? No big deal, right? Big deal. We have no heater, thus all the air coming in the house makes it so cold! Piss off. Next problem? The hole lets moisture in...and where does that go? My bed. Leaks allllllllll the way down to under my bed. Soaking it and leaving it moldy. Awesome. I put it up to dry....3 hours ago. Still wet. Quite the piss off. Also...here's another log onto the fire. My land lord locked me out. I'm pretty sure he came in illegally to our house...and locked it. Not only that, but he probably saw the cat, which, let's call her Josie, brought to the house without asking. There is garbage sitting around because no one can get a garbage can. Not going to lie, I would have gotten one AGES ago if I had the money. But can the other two roommates get one? No. Josie can buy a new phone, buy a 40 of two things of alchohol, and go to vancouver...but she cant buy a god damned garbage can. Steve can go to the movies, buy random food and do whatever he wants...but cant buy a garbage can. Such a huge piss off.

My back hurts so bad right now. My shoulders, my feet....my body aches. I wish he was here to make it go away. I used to hurt a lot before, but he gave me back rubs, and rubbed my feet...he made it go away. :( I miss him. I was at work today, in the back end making food, and I saw the cuff of a red sweater. One like his. My heart raced so fast and my hopes rose to the sky...and then I looked for a better view, and it wasn't him. I almost cried. Ive been waiting for him to show up around the corner for only a week..not even...and i just wish he fucking would! I wish he would come back to me. I crave him so badley. And not in the dirty xxx rated way. In the ...fuck I need a hug way. I talked to him today...he's doing well. Get to call him at the end of the month. That will be nice. :) To hear his voice again. We got in a scuffle of words today. Both upset and we both just said "fine" and didnt talk anymore. I am just giving it time. Im so upset he left me. I feel alone and abandoned. I feel I wasnt good enough for him to stay for. I know I'm slipping out of my confidence since he left. Im losing it. Im starting to get insecure and worrisome again. I thought today he would find another girl in Ontario that he would work with who is better than me...and he'd leave me. I haven't thought that stuff for weeks. I know he wont, because he loves me more than anything. Doesnt mean I'm not scared. I wish he came back. I actually put his sweater over a pillow to not feel alone last night. It helped me so much to sleep. I find it so pathetic that I have to resort to that, is it? I dont know what is good or what isnt anymore. I guess, if it gets be through, it should be good. I hate closing my eyes and feeling his lips on mine, but as soon as I open my eyes I'm alone. I have to go to his old apartment tomorrow...it's going to be very hard. I have to walk into the kitchen....and the living room...there are too many memories. Lame!

Work is lame right now. My boss is being a bitch and pressuring me to work hours I dont want to. Piss off number two. There was this guy coming in today to examine the restaurant. Everyone was uptight and tense about it, I dont understand why. If you are always up to par, you shouldn't worry. I always do 100% of my best stuff. I never let anything bad go out...so I wasnt worried. Everyone else expected this and that from me, not knowing I guess that I always do it! I'm not a moron and I hate when people treat me like one. I hate when people slum around until someone is watching them and then, "Oh! We need to act our super best!" Stupid.

Why cant I just cry it all away? Why cant this pain subside? Why did he have to go? Why cant I hold him forever? Why ....why cant you answer my questions?? Im tired of being confused. Im tired of feeling lost. Im tired of being left. Im tired of being used. Im tired of...I'm tired of everything. I wish I could run away like he did. I wish I could leave it all behind...I wish I was with him....

Through the phone

I have to leave for work in 15 minutes...but I am going to blog when I'm off. Actually excited to and get all my feelings out again.

<3 Miss you Bradley! <3 xoxo

I will write you a song...

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and everyone is back to their lives. Everyone, except for me that is.

I work tomorrow...and I'm not sure if I want to go. Every time I go in there...I just remember how he would hide from me. Like, he would be working in the back and he would peak his head around the milkshake machine...so cute. Or he would come and hide behind the counter and try and scare me. He was so adorable! Now every time I go in I am hoping with everything in me that he will peak around a corner, or one of the machines. Maybe when I go in the back he would sneak up behind me and kiss my neck like he used to. Or he will be in the back getting changed...and I can hug him because I haven't seen him for a day. Only, it's been three...when I get to work it will be four. I dont think it's ever been this hard to be away from someone. Ive been away for a year at a time from my family...and I miss them like crazy...but not this bad. I feel like breaking down. It's so bad. I crave his fingertips to run along my back, along my neck. His smile or his voice. That look in his eyes when he sees me...how I can tell he has been wishing I would visit him. I wish we had more nights together snuggled close while he whispered in my ear how much he loves me. I had just gotten to that comfortable part where I didn't feel worried he would leave me if I said something wrong. I felt comfortable with him, and that anything I did he would still love me. Ugh. I feel so bad because I feel this is sort of my fault...

When he said he was leaving for Ontario, because he couldn't stand Sidney, I supported him. I told I was okay with it, and I would love him still. I said I had to stay here. I said that because I was constantly telling myself this would be the better way. We wouldn't end up having a hard break up later, it would be clean. Easy. I told myself I couldn't see myself with him forever, and that we would end up breaking up...this would make it smoother. We wouldn't end on bad terms, and we could be friends. Fuck. I was so horribly wrong. I told myself every day, and tried so hard to convince myself. Honestly, I could see myself with him for years...happily. He...I could be with him for so long. You know how they say not every relationship is meant to last forever? Or at least for a long time? Im not saying I want us to be together forever, but I really think this this was sooner than it should have been. It's very frustrating. I keep thinking what if I went with him?? I am very confused and frustrated.

Funny thing is...we were going to break up..like my previous paragraph stated, but neither of us can do it. He asked me to come with him...in a few months. After Christmas he can afford to visit me, and when he leaves he wants me to come with him. Which makes all the pain feel a little watered down. I dont kno. I miss my loser. So much. Listening to stupidly cute love songs...they're weird how they relate so much. I had a dream last night that I lived in Ontario with him...and we had a little girl...
He said when we were first together that he would kill himself if he had a kid. The day before he left...he said if I was pregnant he would come back...and help me. Something happened between us...we are very close. Very in love. I miss him.

Forever with me.

Okay...so...today was a pretty stressful and emotional day.

My boyfriend just left me...forever. Least that is what it feels like. Driving to the airport it really didnt seem real, that he would change his mind. Then it kept going...and he didn't. He was telling me about the plane he came here on, and how it would be on the way back. It was nice, and we were watching the other planes leave and come in. Then, time snuck up behind us and then we had no more waiting. He had to go through security...which we both thought I could also go with him. I couldn't, and it upset us both. So...like those movies...we had to have the emotional goodbye at the gate. I tried so very hard not to cry in public, but I failed. I bailed like a little girl...it was embarrasing. I didn't want to let him out of my arms, and if I didn't have to i wouldnt have. Even thinking about it right now it is hard not to cry. My eyes actually hurt so much from today. Lastnight we had a moment. We had a friend over and were drinking for our last night, but it hit me that tonight he wouldn't be home for me to snuggle with. I couldn't hold it in, and had to ditch to the bathroom, when he followed me. We talked...and neither of us could hold it in apparently. There are too many details I dont want to talk about, but it was intense. I stayed at the airport till I couldnt see his plane anymore. That last kiss was very special, but I wish so very much I could feel his lips back against mine...

I havent ever felt a pain like this before, and it kills me inside. I cant talk about this anymore...it's not...I cant.

I just want him back...

K.I.S.S.

Feet hurt. Legs hurt. Knee hurts. Work tomorrow at 11. No car. Home alone, boyfriend's out. 500 lb eyelids. Good night.

So Tired of Pussy Bitch Men.

Guess this is the first rant post I've had.

So this friend of mine, and I do use the word friend loosely, lets call him Nick. Nick has serious anger problems, problems which I am so tired of. The first time he's done one of his "episodes" was very immature. It's a long story. I was having a bad time and tried to talk to him and he straight out told me he didnt care and didnt want to listen to me. So what do I do? Get upset. Why? Wouldn't you? But really, I got upset because every time he ever needs someone to talk to I was that person. He would talk to me about his problems and I would help him. So I come to him, he tells me fuck off I dont care. So I told my other friend because I needed to vent, expecting she would keep this to herself. Instead, she went to him yelling and such. This was a while over texts. Then, they met up because he was waiting for food or just chatting, and she was just getting off work. She is going to leave, and he confronts her. Yelling is involved, hitting, and finger flipping. It was very dumb. I was in the middle of dealing with 4 customers and I had to stop with them, walk over and break them up only to have him yell at me. Followed by slamming his hand against things and hitting the door making the sign fall off. Seriously? Childish much? It was completely ridiculous. He has done it a few times. And now, he did it again. Why? Because he was waiting so long! In honesty, he was there for 5 minutes tops waiting when there was only 3 people working and trying to fill orders and do maintenance. Ridiculous. He swore, then when Brad told him to calm down...he swore at him. It just got more heated. When I called a friend of mine to tell him not to do it again or he would be banned, they said it was immature of us. Which pissed me off very much. How is it immature of a business to keep someone out who continually has outburst when there are several other customers around. Screw you! We have every right to serve who we fucking want. Im soo mad about it, you have no idea. You will tell people they cant come even on the lot because of things they say, but we are the immature ones. Nice. I am very frustrated with all this god damned drama in this city. Grow up, put your big boy panties on and pull the tampon out. Im tired of this bullshit, and his bullshit. People in general need to grow up. Ugh! I dont even know what else to say. There was no mantinace so the fucking crew had to do ALL of the work! While they are trying to do that...he expects to be treated like God. He stands in the same spot every day and then today he expects it to be different and people to know its different. Fuck! So frustrated!

Full Plate.

So now I' m actually sitting here and writing a blog at the end of the day. :) Go me.

Today wasn't the most exciting day, but it wasn't dull either. Woke this morning, like always, next to my amazing boyfriend. Early. Pretty early. Pretty much, right after my room mate left. He seems to hold off everything until she leaves. Then bam! He goes in. Dives in for the kill and pulls me on over to him. It's cute really, him trying to control everything until the door closes. At least, I find it cute.
Then I made breakfast. It's a pretty radical feeling to make someone breakfast. Him and I both haven't been eating the best since we moved to BC. Him only 7 months, but I haven't for 5 years. So, it was very refreshing to actually have a stomach full of good food in the morning. He said so also. :) I remember when we first got together he never ate breakfast, because it made him sick. But now, he said he feels refreshed and it's great. I am happy that we're getting better. I know before him and I both felt weak and weary when we weren't eating right. I actually went days without food...and it was very normal for me. Lots my friends dont know bout my family life.

So this guy is pissing me off very much. I used to be friends with him, back when I was insecure about myself. Before I knew what I deserved, and how good I actually was. He would give me up building things, make me feel better. But now, he is pathetic. I wont talk to him because he is so ridiculously childish. All he will do is complain about his life and how I am not there. Because I am not there, he has attached himself to my sister. Who listens, but doesn't want to. He whines to her now. All the time. He wont leave her alone, and now he is trying to hit on her. If I hear of him doing this again, I will, to say the least, rip him a new one. Now, trying to be subtle, he is posting his status as things about "two faced friends" which obviously are me. Why do I think this? Because I just told him to shut up when he tried to whine to me. Pathetic. I am tired of it, and I am not going to let him continue this.

So I got promoted recently. :D Super excited! Went to my very first manager's meeting today. :) I felt a little awkward, however, because I didn't know a lot of what they were talking about. But I will learn. :) I know I will. It was cool though, because a lot of the other managers are starting to be more of my friends, rather than the people I look up to. It is pretty cool to know things now, things I didnt know when I was a crew. It's kind of fun. Carol is back! I missed her. She went over to Mt. Newton because her knee was so hurt and acting up and she couldn't move or run around. By going there, she could sit and take orders, and not injure her knee more. She is pretty awesome, as well as the others who are there of course. :D John and Pat are awesome, and so was Michelle when she was there. Jas is acting really weird since the thing happened with Evan, but it's all working out. Huzzah!

Nothing to rant about today, except how I have no money. It sucks, but I have food.

So....I guess that is everything.