Soon.

So, it's the new year. A new decade. It should be some profound moment in my life...gushing with opportunity and bursting with potential. I cant help but feel ... nothing. My entire self is numbed by the thoughts I am trying to overcome.
That is why I have come to you.
Dear Blogger. Keeper of my secrets. I hope you can silence these thoughts.
They're about what they always lead to eventually. The standard of all men, the pinnacle of a gentlemen. My rock.
What am I supposed to do? We have this ridiculous tug of war that drives me crazy. First it's me, then it's him. And I dont know what to do! Honestly, out of everyone in my life he is who I want to go to when something bad happens. Something bad, or good, or drastic. Dramatic. Exciting. He is like a light house and Im lost at sea. Cliche, perhaps. True? Very.
He is contagious. No. He is addictive. He is a drug that I cannot take once. The millisecond his soul touched mine I felt engulfed in something I have yet to feel again. How can you meet someone with such an impact at such a young age? I cant believe in the possibility, which is probably why it's lasted this long. Honestly, I am not sure it is real.
It is strange though, he is in my head, yet he is just observing. I get the slightest insecurity, and he knows the exact thing to say to extinguish it.
Instantaneously.
It is like the second I think of it, he knows and bites my tongue for me.
We can go a year without speaking.
We have.
And when I recently got back in contact with him... I explained why I did. I had a moment of clarity. I thought of him, after months of pushing it aside in my head and I felt refreshed. I explained it to him, and he said he felt the same. He can be worked 14 hours a day, and exhausted.
And getting a simple "hello" he is overcome with this...refreshing feeling. I dont understand it at all.
It is something so much bigger than him or I.
I am not desperate. I am not a romantic. I am not influenced by movies, tv or couples. My own brain comes to these ideas, and it hurts.
There is a lingering pain there.
I am afraid...
The idea of being with one person the rest of your life...is one thing, among atomic warfare, that terrifies me. I get bored. If a rut comes along, I need out. Fast.
I was with my last boyfriend for over a year, yes. But we were only in the same place for months at a time. I think that is why it lasted. We were not together all the time.
Am I not someone meant to be with another?
I need to be pushed, inspired and dared. I need to reach my limits, and find his. I seem to find them too easy with most..and the initial interest fades quite quickly. I take on their interests to hold onto something, but it is empty.
We have talked on and off, but still have felt no less for one another.
Yet, what if we talked constantly? Would I become bored of the one person I never thought I would? Would he become bored of me?
Have I grown up too much? We met at 16... have we moved too far along in our lives?
I dont know what to do. What to think.
He knows my quirks. He tells me if I've crossed a line.
He isn't afraid to mold me.
I dont mean that in the sense that I would or could change for him, but in another way. More of a way that he is willing to push me and teach me. He has already taught me so much.
My world has expanded so much because of him. His, not so much from me.
There are things, however, I have done for him.
Maybe I am so into this idea of us because of his independence. His thriving life and the fact that adding me to the mix would not be a huge change for either of us.
I like the idea of having my own life, and him having his.

I dont know what to do. I cannot give into this feeling.
I cannot just let it consume me again. I fall too fast and much too hard for him if I let it happen. He is the top of the K2, and when I accept my feelings for him, I begin to plummet off, gaining speed quickly.

I am torn. What we have is from movies.
For him, every girl he's been with or met has been a distraction as he put it. I guess I give myself too little credit. Where I rate everyone I meet from the standards he has set, he finds things similar to me in them. One has my laugh, another my humor, and still another gives him a certain look which I once did. Subtle things he has all found similar which has drawn him to them. Unfortunately for them, he bores easy when they are not the same. These are not my words, they are his.
For me, I will also see things about them which remind me of him and I jump! Days later I find they are not so common, and my interest fades. Maybe this is why I get bored of people easy, leading me to the idea I have a fear of commitment.
I am unsure, however, it does sound plausible.
We've fucked each other up. Without the other, we are not happy, but merely content. Living each day as the last.
I cant admit this. I wont.
I wont let myself become careless and fall for him again.
He is my cryptonite.

I am so overwhelmed with this. We were like magnets...or puzzle pieces. Once put together, there was a snap. I knew it, he knew it. There was something there. Ever since then we've been pulled apart by others, jobs, life. Yet, we still snap together as if nothing has happened or years have passed.
An immortal caring.
Boy, that sounds childish. 8 year old girl childish. Im not a princess.
This isnt a fairy tale. I need to get a reality check.
We will never be a we.
He will never be with me.
It wont work out.....no matter what I tell myself.


No matter how low every man since him has fallen to the bar he has set...
Soon my heart will believe my head and all this will be over...

Soon...

There's a green hippo in your shoe.

Hello world! :)

Not much new going on. Decided not to go to Germany, it just isnt working out right now. Oh, right. I was going to move to Germany for a year. :) A small town near Hamburg. It was all planned out, but I forgot the idea of having a back up plan. Lame-o. So, long story short, not moving to Germany.
Ill just have to go when Bethany graduates. :) That was my plan originally. We are going to move to Scotland for the summer, which Im super stoked about! I am the kinda person who wants to do that sort of thing.... but you already knew that.

It makes me wonder, well yesterday. I was discussing some things with my friend. We usually talk about things that evolve some brain work. It started with AA, and how I really dont agree with their methods. It lead to the extreme low which humanity finds itself. Human nature is actually soft and lazy now, its depressing. I found out that the schooling system is highly flawed, more than I thought. In the USA they have half days Thursday and Friday in most places. The schools rely on student attendance to get their funding. If they dont get the attendance, their budget goes down. They dont want that, so they'd rather have shit days which the students learn nothing just so they are there rather than losing funding. It's disgusting really. Humanity is fucked for the future.

I think I am going to make a list of things I want to do before I die. I already made one for books, lets try other things. It will certainly make getting them done easier. If you know what you want, you can strive towards it. Aimlessly trudging into the future not knowing what I want, is like a blind child looking for something that they do now know what it feels like. Anyway, gonna go!
Peace.

Hey jude.

Again, been a while.
This who concept seems to keep slipping my mind. I do need a place to explain everything Ive been thinking... since my friends and I really aren't on a daily discussion basis.
So, here goes.
I broke up with Brad yesterday. I still love him, but it wasnt hurting us both to hold on. I want to go to school, which can take 4 years or more. I want to move, document, and explore the world. I just realized that if I have a teaching degree I can move to another country and teach.. might be something to look into! Id love that. :)
I want to do that though, and not have roots. Ive come to a realization that I have a problem with commitment. Which made me think about my life... and how I've been without a boyfriend my whole life until him...unlike a huge majority of my friends. Theyve all been in and our of relationships... and look at where they are. I can see things happening for them, but nothing spectacular. I feel like a glow is starting to spread around me now that Im single. It makes me think about why I was single for so long, and why I never had a guy. Everyone says that things happen for a reason. Maybe my being single was a reason.
Not being with a man has given me the power to view myself and discover who I am. I haven't been infatuated and created myself based off of who I am with at the time. I am me, and love me or leave me but that's how it's going to be.
I also have had time to think about what I really honestly want to do with my life. I have never been content with the idea of mediocredy. Like Oscar Wilde said once, everyone can survive but it is truly rare to live. I want to live. I want to hold the world in my hand! I have big plans... and I dont want anyone to hold me back or to tie me down.
My heart warms and swells when I think about it. I dont want to have to wait for someone else to make my choices. I feel that me being single most of my life has given me the opportunity to actually do the things I want. Like I have potential in the world, and this was giving me a chance to see that I do. Like there is something Im meant to do. :)

Its nice. Ive felt single for a while... just having made it final. I love him, but again, it wont work. We want different things. Only a couple people know. My mom, My uncle and aunt, Chris, Shannon and Tynan. I dont really feel the need to tell anyone else. I dont feel like I have to broadcast it.

I dont know exactly what else to say. I wanted to get that out. I feel pretty awesome though, because Chris still cares about me. I dont want a relationship, but it's nice to know after almost 6 years he's never found anyone like me. It was like a movie... one of those romantic movies. LOL! He said he'd never gotten over me, and every girl he's ever been with since me was just a distraction. They never lasted longer than 4 months, if they got that far. I feel pretty special.
I guess it all started... me thinking about him again.. when I got a fortune cookie that said your first love never forgot about you. Which is when I decided to find him and talk to him... because I still care about him and never forgot about him. Then, he said he never did. ^^ Pretty cool. He said I was pretty unforgettable. Which is surprising because I always thought I was so normal and boring. :) But I have finally admitted it, haha, Im awesome! :) Im a catch, just takes a while to pin me down. Im not into being tied down anymore. ;)

I like being free like this. I feel like the old me again. :) Anything is possible! Im going to not look for romance anymore, if it is meant for me it will find me. :)
I aint gonna go looking for shit like that. :p

Christmas concert tonight for Katie. Haha! Should be fun. :)
Im out, gotta clean for the party this weekend.
<3

Tired of that thing in human nature...

Okay. Where do I begin.

There's been a whole hell of a lot of shit going on. Still a little..rusty I guess.
I guess I started this because I really needed someone to vent to. Im honestly completely done with this house. Done, finished.
I cant believe how ridiculous my family is. Im extremely upset about this therapy bullshit. Apparently my sister brought it on herself. She's the one who did it, and shes the one who got everyone involved.
Actually, it was you. You're the one who called the cops saying she ran away. You're the one who involved the child services because you screamed at the lady and insulted her. Yeah, that's not going to make them go away. They are so ridiculous. This show was saying most people will think of troubled children in...a "deal with them" way. I agreed and said its not just a fix the child situation. It's everything. The people, the environment, the actions. The reply I got for this was that she agreed. People do it way too much. I was completely baffled. How can she be so completely blind to her own actions. Does she actually tell herself that she is doing everything right? That she is the perfect mother, that all her choices are in the best interest and her ideas are right?? Like, fuck!
Their idea of this, therapy bullshit, is that it is my sisters fault. They are doing nothing wrong, and they are giving her everything. She is the one acting badly and she is just a bad child. Cool. That's going to work. Lets just deny every single thing we do, and say it's her. We do everything right. We give her opportunities. We encourage her to go out and experience life. YA RIGHT! You do NONE of that! Stop blaming, I'm tired of it! Please, GROW UP and act like parents! You two sit. And you sit. And then, you bitch. You complain. You insult and you put down. Im tired of it. Stop denying everything. You will sit there and tell me to my face that you dont leave things laying around. You dont just sit all day. You dont insult your children and you dont act more like children then parents.
Oh, wait.
My bad. You will, after an hour of denying, say if I do it, everyone else does. Real mature. Followed by a couple more hours of you complaining and snapping back making the conversation go absolutely no where but in circles.
Either that, or you will just shut off and then later say everyone blames YOU and everyone thinks YOU are the only problem. Wow, maybe you could take a step back and see that's what you have been doing for years to my poor 16 year old sister! Im disgusted.
You are those people who should have NEVER had kids. No worries, people, you will know my feelings the second she returns. Seeing as you have no home therapy until SHE is here. Because, clearly, that's the only fucking reason you're having them.

So after I bring this up to my mother, and she continues to go on about how my sister brought it on to herself...
How is that to talk about a kid anyway? A teenager, still growing and learning... you treat her with such disrespect and lack of luck...you make me sick. It happened with me, and Im sick of seeing it happening to my baby sister. Be parents, not fourth graders.
Im all over the place...

The reason Im here is because my pathetic step dad continues to yell at my other sister and antagonize her. Annoying, yes. But today she asked for some chocolate and he proceeded to tell her it's unhealthy for her and bad. I held my tongue until she was in her room, in bed. Then I told them that chocolate is, in fact, not unhealthy for you. I didn't want them to lie to her, because it is a lie. They argue that it is bad, and then my mother stands up swearing under her breath about how I always start arguments and continues to complain all the way to the car until they leave. Awesome right? After my anger has subsided, it makes me sad.
All of this makes me sad.
The last couple of days I've been feeling incredibly stupid, and bored. Nothing to stimulate my brain or anything. Nothing to learn, and no way to grow.
But because of this, I feel so sad inside. For them mostly.
They are that dumb. Like, I think I'm dumb. And the way they act, and the things they say they say they know, it's sad. It only increases the theory they are still both children inside.
Their maturity level is so low, and their arrogance is extremely high. It makes me sad, and I feel pitty.
My writing is pretty shitty this time, and it's not saying much for me.. but hell. I just have to get it off my chest somehow, right?

Boyfriend and I are still together. : )
<3
Knee is finished, Im just waiting for it to heal. September 22nd is the day I fly out. I haven't told him yet, I want to surprise him. :) So stoked!
This physio though might be holding me back...
If they say I cant get on a plane then, Im gonna have to book it back to October. Which, may I say, SUCKS BALLS! That will mean that in the last YEAR I have only been with him for a month.
Quite a despicable fate.
Soon though. :) I will be in his arms. (:
So happy. ^^ You have NO idea. haha! Who am I even talking to?
Im done for the night, leg is starting to hurt.
<3

Teach me sax?

Seems as though 420 made me particularly emotional.

I doubt that I get away with acting like that, no one should. When you're moody, you shouldn't take it out on other people.
Things built up, like my status said.
Ive pushed it away, out of my mind since I left that house. It's built up, and built up and on that particular day it exploded.
I exploded.
The feelings of isolation, being ignored, not important. Insignificant.
Not cool feelings.
I dont really have a single person to turn to here. Sure, my uncle and aunt are cool about listening to me, but it's not the same. It's not that bestfriend who you know has your back and will carry you through anything. That boyfriend who will love you no matter how crazy you act. That emotional support I needed but couldnt find in anyone really.
Sure, my mom helped, but that was in text.
I just hate how I've only really had one friend who has been there every single day for me. Him making the effort, as well as me instead of me making the effort constantly getting disappointed.
Its frustrating.
And now it's even worse because that one guy I thought was my friend. One that would be there if I needed him... is saying that I wasnt supporting of him.
WTF?!
Yeah. Im pretty pissed... and I dont understand why. I messaged him.. and am questioning if it was a good choice. Usually you shouldn't if your emotions are in the way. But I think I handled it okay..
I explained what happened when I was there, when I left, how I felt. I think I did it responsibly.. but I still question it.
I want to be his friend still.. but ugh.
It's so stupid.
Why cant he just grow up and stop thinking about himself. Thats what he does! He thinks about himself and is oblivious to other people. It's rediculous. I tell him when he's fucking up, and Im not there to tell him..
Im sure other people will tell him. But last time I checked, the other level headed friend he has is too scared to tell him anything.
He was acting immature and flakey. She wouldnt tell him, even after I told her she should. So, what happened? I told him. Bluntly.
If I hadnt, he wouldnt have known. Oblivious, and he needs to get told this shit. I dont understand.
I want to be his friend, but if he's not going to give a shit about a friend that has done a shit load for him... then he's not worth my time.

I want to say Im sorry to another friend.. who I was a little raw with. I didnt hold back my feelings and with everything she happened to say, it only angered me more and made me feel more obsolete. I shouldnt have said the things I did, and I know this. I am not the only one at fault, speaking rationally, but I do need to apologize for what I said. She is a great friend, and I care a lot about her. I hope she knows this, and will forgive me. <3

I was talking though, to that friend I said was there since day one.
He agreed. And I know when people move, people drift apart. But my best friend in the entire world, is still my best friend.
She lives in Washington, soon to move to Hawaii with her boyfriend. We dont see eachother often, but are so close. We stay in contact constantly and I love her to peices. She's moody, she's flakey, but she's my best friend. My other best friend and I are also still best friends, she also lives in Washington. I adore her.
If we can still be friends after I moved, why cant people from Sidney keep in contact? I have a freaking facebook to keep up with you guys! Is it so hard to reply to a wall post? Really?
Kind of rediculous people.

I love trident layers!

Haha, sorry. Commersial. (Darn not having FoxFire and spell checking..)
Anyway. I feel very left out of peoples lives just because I wanted to be in love. Really? Lamesauce.
I think some people just need to put in an effort to friendship more often.. Im tired of doing everything.
I might write another one of these later, Im bored of it now.
It's lunch time anyways.

: ) Bacon for lunch! Hurray! <3

Im a little mermaid

My first day back at McDs. It's weird because it feels like home when I go there. Maybe because I miss home so much... even the littlest thing that I was doing there will make me feel that little bit more comfortable in a land I have no idea how to control.
Im in a place that I dont even know the names of the streets, the people, the shops and what to do when I wake up. I really would like to actually close at these McDs... maybe close the WalMart one... then it's not as late but still closing. : )
I dont know.
I miss him.
Seems I always get really deep when I actually sit and write out my feelings instead of worrying about the time. It's not even 10... I have time. : ) Not leaving till 3.
So, I'm pretty sure I walked by Rachel McAddams the other day. I talked to my uncle and he said she's building a house near here and his friends at work have talked to her walking around town. Apparently she loves it here and you can see her a lot in town.

Kinda crazy.

Ive been talking a lot with Jim lately. My uncle.
We've actually talked about some really deep things. It's kinda cool. I just had a really upsetting talk one time.. he was kinda drunk.. and yeah. Not so fun. Bout his mom and my mom. Him saying his mom tries to make it so everyone is part of the family... well my mom doesn't feel that way. Granted, she feels really rejected by everyone because of her past. But, it's not my mom's fault. His mom actually said she didn't want us to come to the wedding of my other uncle. Like, that really doesn't reinforce the idea that she is wanting us to be part of the family. I dont get families like this anymore. Where there is so much drama, and stress, and discomfort.
I was so happy coming to my Uncles. They are so relaxed, his wife's parents. They're amazing. The first time I met them I did not feel any discomfort or uneasiness. I was able to just talk and talk when I first met them. They never reject anyone, and actually think I'm a great person. I heard the story about them meeting my uncle. They didnt think twice about if he was good for her or not. I wish there was more families like that.
I know, myself, I have been protective and not wanted to accept who my family has chosen. But, honestly, it's not my choice to make. They have found an attraction, they have found something good about this person that I dont know about. I cant pick that up like they did. My boyfriend, my family doesnt like him sometimes. They have come to like him now, but before it was all negative. I know there is something great about him, they didnt know about. I love him and there is a reason for that. If someone in my family picks someone to be with, they have a reason. I need to trust that, and just be there when things go awry, if they even do.
That's one of the many discoveries I've made living with my uncle. The other is that jealousy is a completely wasted emotion. Why should I be jealous of that girl who walks by, or that model on the page. He's not with them, he doesnt want them, he doesnt love them or crave them. Why do I even worry about it?
It's been a year, and we've been through so much shit... why do I even worry about another girl being pretty? It's not really her fault she's that pretty. It's genes, well, that and hard work. Who wouldnt be attracted to them? The fact that he choses to be beside me and love me, and not chase them is what I need to keep in mind. I mean the world to him, he said so. Jealousy is a waste of my time.
Im not 100% over it, but Im getting there. : )

I dont understand either... why people can not like someone without really knowing them. Like, my stepdad... why does no one really like him? He's not immature and lazy and childish. He's growing up and stuff... he works hard and supports a full family. Like an actual full family. 2 teenage girls and a baby girl. Not even getting to raise the teenagers, he just jumped into it full hearted. How can people think he's a bad person and not like him? It's not fair. I dont like how people can do that.

Well Im gonna get another cup of coffee now!

Prospects

New haircut.
New job.
New perspective on life.

: )

And, guess what?
Coming to good ol' BC in April. : ) More towards May, but yeah. : ) See you then!

8..6..7..5..3..0........niiiiiiiiineee :p

I went to see him. : )
On the 16th. Our anniversary of one year.

It was a surprise, which I kind of regret now. He said he would have called in sick to work... so we could have spent time together...more than 30 minutes.
As much as it sucked to only see him for a short period of time... it was amazing to see him again.

I miss him so much... blah. Im really starting to feel disgust for the seperation. It's been a month since I've seen him... and it's really not cool. He said to hold on, because this is only making us stronger... but it's no fun. I dont even know... I'm so rambling.

Ramble.
Ramble.
Ramble.

Blah.

I had an allergic reaction last night... pretty awesome. Swelled up my throat..
Yep. Preeeeettty awesome.

I had an interview. : ) For management. : ) Pretty excited. I think that I might get it... and it pays way more than lame jobs. Like my previous lame job. : )
Hope I can get it... would be lovely.

Again.
Rambling.
I think I'm done.

Just....Ugh.

Haha. Brad got my t4 in the mail yesterday...and a note from Grant (the owner of the Sidney Mcds...) saying that he would have a job if I came back! : ) We both had a good laugh about that.

So. I hate my job....sooo much. Dislike it so much I am..like I've said. Applying to McDs again. XD Funny...me thinks.
Least it's better than where I work now. :/ So slow and lame there.
I want to quit badly. Just be like, not working out. I'll finish the week, but after that, peace.

Course, I need to talk to Lorna and Jim about it. I am living with them... and they are paying for me to live and eat atm. I just...ugh. I'm not being whiney. Maybe a little bit, but it's hurting my knee hella! After 4 hours! D: How is that good?!

I dont even want to talk right now.
I have to do some bullshit workshop training online for my job. Lame. It's really really really boring and I want to fall asleep. Mostly because it's all things I know already...

Pick, pick, PICKERING

Alright well...
I finished work. 3 Days of work finished.

I hate my boss. He's a ...an idiot.
He will contradict himself hourly.
He blames me for things I never did.
He expects me to know things, and then treats me like I know nothing.
Then he rushes me through training, and expects me to remember all the prices.
It's... dumb.
I dislike it.
I actually dislike it so much, I've applied to the McDonalds here. Sad? Me thinks.

Also, I think that Mcd's is being retarded in BC. They wont hire my sister because...of just that. She's my sister. They said I left on bad terms... how exactly does that affect her? She wasnt involved. Stupid. They also wont hire Brad back...why?
Because apparently I said something about Nicole, and Grant found out what I supposedly said... and now he refuses to hire either of us.
Really????? Are you KIDDING ME!? They are not involved! And what is even stupider... is that Nicole asked me about it... TO MY FACE AND I TOLD HER WHAT IT WAS! It wasnt about her... FUUUUCK! But instead, she just says it is anyways. Im so mad. I lost the job at Boston Pizza because of it too, Im sure.
I am so mad about it. I want to actually fly there and punch them in the face.

Really...what kind of person runs a business like that??

Either way... Im making money. Just have to walk an hour there and an hour back... and start work at 7 starting next week. Awesome right??

Going into Pickering tonight. SUPER STOKED!
I really like being here...it's super cool. : )
I'm also debating moving back into the barrie area... or maybe down in Oshawa.
:D Might be cool! Could always check out Port Perry also. I mean, I'd like to have a job somewhere bigger...but have a place to live in a quieter place...

Oh well, it will work out. : )
IM OUT! Getting ready for Pickering. : D

Busy beee

First day of work today!

:S
Im not too worried in the working part... Im more worried about the hour it takes to walk there. xD

Update when I return!

Till we meet again.

: )
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GK-193557&page=2&cgname=OSCLODRSBLK&rfnbr=3198

March 16th is our anni. I want to be able to look good in this when I go and see him. : ) Then again, I should maybe save that for when it's more summer. Either way, I want it.

In 3 weeks, a lot can happen. <3

Proud : D

Wuddup?
: )
Im really nervous..and not very thrilled for next week. But its work...and that makes money. That's all I should really worry about. I need to save money, and by doing this I can. I would just REALLY like it if Boston Pizza would call me! D: I just want to waitress...like common! Tips would be easy for me since Im real good at working and helping people. : )
And if I get this...I can save up and go to Europe and New York like I want to! And even go back home to see everyone. : ) I miss everyone. :( But, saddly... with how everything is going it seems my trip would have to be pushed back. :( Depressing...but probably going to happen.

Which I really really dislike, because I miss gucky real bad! :( And everyone else of course. : )

Yesterday we rearranged... my room. :) They actually call it my room. Said I'm gonna be here for a long time, and they are debating letting me leave at all. As a joke of course, but it makes me feel good. :) Im wanted, and Katie said the other day that she doesnt want me to go either. Silly little girl.
Liam, is adorable! he likes me lots, and it's so cute. He's a womans kinda guy. xD Even now..before he's two he's really into women. Really likes the swim suit mags. :P Such a cutie.

Id post pictures of them..but I've been told not to. Which is totally understandable. Its actually cool to find some people who dont want their kids faces all over the internet. : )

Well... Im gonna go and try the ab rocket. xD They have one...so I figured why not try it? Jim says it works. :)

Btw, last night, I loved the ceremony. It was funny! And it was so BC... simply Canadian. But mostly BC. I really enjoyed when Shatner came...and Michael J. Fox. :) It must have been so hard for him to speak like that... he's so far along but doing amazing. He looks amazing too. :) Inspiring thats for sure! When i feel I cant do something, Im going to just think of him. Other inspiring people too of course, but he's a new one to think of. : )

K well.... rocketing away!
<3 Love my bby cakes!

Allie's Secret ; )

Kinda dumb having a place I came to write to get things off my chest...where I never worried about what it said...I now have to watch what I say.
Pretty dumb.

People should... mind their own business? Yeah, that works.
Life's pretty awesome except for the lack of boyfriend. :( I miss him. A lot.
Im really torn inside about it too. I've been struggling to understand why Im hated...so suddenly. Maybe it was already there and I didnt notice...maybe it was slowly coming and I didnt see the signs. I dont know.
I do know, that it's pretty unjust.
Im supposed to ignore what other people say because they're just emotional and angry...
but if it's me..then it's taken full heartedly. Every thing I say is made to be ... sudden truth of how I feel. When really, I say a lot of shit out of spite and anger in the moment.
Happened all the time as a kid, told my family I hate them.
I dont. They're amazing. I said it though, and they knew it's just the heat of the moment.
Why dont other people understand that? They can say it and it's just emotions, but I cant.
Trey gay.

Im pretty much over it though. Not my fault.
All I gotta do is get my jobs lined up. Got 2, now I just need a P/T weekend job. :)
Here's my plan:
Once I get paid I wont walk an hour to work, but take a cab.
Country Time in the morning.
Boston Pizza in the evening.
Golf course on the weekends. Hopefully it all lines up. :)

Also, my savings plan!
Im going to open up three new savings accounts.
:)
One: Savings for my trip back to BC. <3
Two: My trip to New York with Jori. <3 Pre-wedding thing for her.
Three: My trip to Europe. I wanna go with my sister and maybe two friends. See the world, backpacking... It's an experience I would have LOVED my big sister to take me on if I had one... hope she'd enjoy it the same way.
Four: Savings for an apartment and life without a job post surgery.

I say four because I already have a savings account opened. :)
Yes. It's quite a lot of money to be saved. But the Europe thing wont happen for at least 2 years...and the NY wont happen for a year or so.
And I have 6 or 7 months until the others.
Ill put priority with saves on account four and one. :)
I calculated that I can save up to 2k for the apartment thing..in 6 months and I havent done the calculating for BC yet. But! I dont have to worry about rent yet..because my uncle said not to worry about it. He's worried about me getting on my feet and being able to stand alone.

Haha...side note! This makes me giggle. Im sitting here crosslegged on a chair away from the computer with the wireless keyboard. Looking at the tv and watching it...while I type. Makes me laugh because if Brad saw me right now he'd be angry. :P He hated that I can type on my phone and the computer without looking...and yet so fast.

Back to the rest. My uncle and aunt are wanting me to save as much as I possibly can for life. Im ready for that. :) I am ready to rake in the cash and store it all up. Without rent, for now, it's not going to be that hard. :) Hopefully I can get the jobs I want. I already have Country Time lined up for the mornings, got hired today. :) Training for BP starts the last day of my work week I have planned...or they gave me. :) It sucks..but my first day isn't until the 9th of March. It will work out though.
This Saturday I get to go to the job fair for the golf course. I will apply for full time nights though, because if BP falls through I can have that. If not, Ill just change it to PT weekends. :) How epic would that be if Im working 3 jobs? THREE cash flows. Ha!
Yes..I could get worn out easy...
But I'm going to pace myself. I mean...I don't know. All of the places I would be going to...will be upbeat. :) Each day isn't going to be like another, which I like.
Now I just need to work on having the memory I need. xD CT doesn't have the screens Mcdicks did. Gonna have to remember 4 orders in a row..yay me! I'm sure I can do it. :)
I have a big problem though.
I plan things out...way too much. Because of it, when things on my list don't happen, I get depressed. I need to move past that.

Woah. I just noticed that my keyboard has a clock on it... WTF?!

I dont wanna talk amymore... I think I've updated you all so far.
By all...I mean my BFFS...who I believe should know about my life.
So bugger off.

No ones here.

I hate you. I hate you for everything you do.
I hate you for everything you've done.

You can never say the right thing.
You can never do the right thing.
You're full of things I dispise.
You disgust me.
When I see you, I wish I hadnt.

I wish we never met.
I hate how you smile.
I hate how you smell.
I regret everything you've done.
Repulse.
I hate you.

Why cant you change?
Why cant you be what I want?
What happened?
What went wrong when you were conceived?
Why do I hate you?
Why do I hate your everything?

I hate you.
I wish you lived up to their standards.
I wish you could make him love you.
I wish you would make a difference to someone.
I wish you mattered.

I hate how your hair fall around your face.
I hate how you cant get what you crave.
I hate how you cant get him.
I hate when he turns on you, and you feel it's your fault.

Stand up for yourself.
Be a woman. Please.
I wish you didnt love him.
I wish you couldnt love him.

Why.
Why does everything he says make your heart beat?
Why is he the reason you wake up?
Why does he matter?

I hate that he matters.
I hate that you care.
I hate how no matter what, you cant let go of him.
I hate you.
It's not a fairytale.
Grow up.
He doesnt love you.

Please.
Grow up.

I hate you.

I hate you. Yes, you.

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.
Im sick of your fucking shit. Yes. Im writing this about you, get over it! I came to see you so I dont have another fucking soul to talk to about it! THIS IS HOW I DO IT! FUCK YOU!!!

Im sick of you.
Im done.
Finished.
You're out of my head. Out of my heart.
I hate you.


I wish you were here right now just so I could slap you in the face and kick you in the balls.
You've killed any hope I've ever had of EVER FINDING LOVE!
FUUUUUCK YOU!!!!!

IM SO FUCKING DONE!

Blistex

HEY LOVES OF MY LIFE!
How are YOUR lives?


Well I just now, or 30 min ago...started using Wii Fit. xD Yes, I gave it to the craze. But it really works. It's fun too...and I can do yoga without going to a class and embarrassing myself. I like things like this though...you can focus on whatever muscle you want and just work on it for a while. :) Get my legs in shape again! :)

Im excited for that. But Im really upset with my mother. She had this choice a while ago to be with Dave, my stepdad or Cash her friend. She obviously picked Dave. But now he is calling her (Cash) and they will flirt and giggle for hours and Dave just sits there trying to occupy himself. I understand she needs to have friends, but it's bordering. Clearly. She talks to him about everything, as if he is her second husband. Seriously. It's sick and every time I hear it I get so grossed out. How can she think it is innocent? I've kept it quiet for a long time, but today was the limit.
Today we were texting, my mother and I, and she was talking earlier about how Dave never tries to show her he loves her. No little gifts, no romantic nights, no candle lit dinners....and how she wanted him to do something for Vday for her. Well...today she decided to talk about how she thought it was so cute that Cash wanted her to go back to the states. Clearly meaning he wanted her to come with him...and she was picturing it in her head, obviously. I found it disgusting. Mostly because she did the same thing to my dad and I knew it was only a matter of time before she did it to Dave. I felt it coming, she cant handle being with someone when things go wrong. If hard times come about, she wants to run. She wants something perfect, which will never be there. She just needs to accept it...and Im so sick thinking she would ditch another guy just because he's not the perfect soap opera guy. I know I shouldnt really be talking about this, but I need to get it off my chest.
It's gross.

She needs to stand up and be an adult, not a little teenager. Reliving her teen and 20s that she never got to experience without kids. That time has past, and she needs to accept it. Im sorry...she can do things. Party, have friends, drink...whatever. Just know that you have a husband and a family and you cant just frolic off with any guy that gives you attention.


Did I mention I love Brad? He's so cute. :) I found a couple pictures of him as a kid. SO adorable! I asked him if he thought he was a cute kid, and he disagreed full heartedly. He was though, so cute. So adorable. AND! I saw him...this make me almost cry. He was wearing a tux, with the biggest smile on his face, at a wedding, WITH A CALLILILLY! That is my favorite flower! And the one I'd totally have at my wedding....it was cute! He had the biggest smile....I was so giggly. He felt really embarrassed though when he saw me looking at it. He hated it cus when he took his jacket off, he looked Amish. :P So cute though..

Gonna drink tomorrow night...hopefully. :) Should be fun. ;)

PS...I like stretching. I forgot how much I did like it. :) I really miss TaeKwondo now.... Ugh! :(

MoonChild.

So I have now applied to numerous job listings. I hope I get something. :) I have expanded my horizons and decided to not be picky. Apply to everything that you can physically do.
I almost applied for an assistant management job...what Asian Steve used to do...haha. Think I can get it if I tried? Me thinks not. But it would be cool. It would be 2k a month...almost 3. Now add that to Brads 1200 a month...that would make a nice living. :) We could even rent a nice apartment and get a really nice car! :D Id be down for that...instead I decided to apply for jobs more in my ...range.
Besides. 15$ an hour would be nice...wouldnt it? Wow. It would also be 2k a month...for the 15$ an hour. Wow.
Hey, did you notice that the grammatical rule fails there? "A" is with a consonant and "an" is followed by a vowel. Well, you use an if its for "an hour". Why is that? Oh well.

So I applied to lots of jobs, as I've said. Hostess jobs, receptionist, secretary, manager, administrative assistants... all pretty cool. But I also applied for jobs with acting. One was for a reality show, one for a music video, and one to be a movie script writers personal assistant. :) Pretty stoked to hear back. It's all rather exciting. I also applied to be part of an art gallery for photography. :) Should be fun.
It's been a kind of busy past couple of days. I have yet to have time to myself.

Also. I was pretty upset. There was this really cute house for rent, within our price range. But it was gone...which made me sad. Oh well. Guess it's just not our luck to get a good place... yet at least.
I got so frustrated. So many GOOD cute apartments are for rent...and cheep! But Brad wont have anything to do with it because he doesnt want to live downtown. UGH! Makes me angry...and I wish that he would just see that it's a better idea. Otherwise, we could be in this house forever.

I want to walk down to Macs soon. Should be fun.
Jello is being served now. Should probably go and get some. It's the two layer kind...lol! Yeah, we're that talented. :)

I really really cant wait to get out though. Brad's sister is being such a pregnant bitch. Snide comments, talking behind peoples backs, insulting everyone, gossiping, hormonal. Ugh. Just, bitchy. I wish she'd stop. She is constantly starting fights with Brad, it's really immature and dumb. Sometimes when she does it I just want to pipe up and say, does that really need to be argued about?? But I keep my mouth shut because they are opening their house to us...and I should be grateful. No matter how much she reminds us that it's all hers and we shouldn't cross her.
Ugh.

Punch to face.
Alright, I'm done now. :) Bye!
Until we meet again. <3

Hasta Luego.

So. New mission:

Get Brad to move downtown.

I just drove down there to see the bus route to the Hospital...wow. It's like a cute little city. I love it. :) I really want him to move there. :( To let us move there. :(
Tonight was an interesting night. Got called lazy by his family.. that's always fun.
His ex commented on his status, talked to him about how I thought he lost interest in me..
Drove downtown and he was kind enough to show me where his ex girlfriend, the same one who commented on his status, lived. Saying whenever he went to Barrie, that's where he was. Lovely.
Then. When we got home epicness occurred. I opened the cabinet door and out fell a Starbucks mug. Propelling itself down into my bowl of cesaer salad with cut pieces of bread atop. In doing so salad and bread flew across the kitchen and all over the floor. It was amazing and happened in a total of 4 seconds. But after this, Brad had a little giggle and said these words that will haunt me...
"You're going to be the best wife for some lucky guy"

WTF?! What is that supposed to mean?? Does that mean he has no interest at all in being with me that long? Is this just a thing he doesn't see lasting very long? Does he plan to leave me after time? Is he planning something with someone already? WTF! How am I supposed to know what is going on in his head if he never talks to me, and then pops those words.
I am terribly confused.

On a side note, I'm very excited to go into the city tomorrow. Well...not the "city", but downtown Barrie. :) After I am done in the hospital I am going to sit by the water front, tour the town, and visit the shops. :) I'm very excited. It's the cutest place, and I really want him to let us move there. I want the waterfront, I want the busy streets, I want the sidewalks with tourists bustling about. I like busy.
I grew up in a tiny town, I crave adventure and excitement. I crave the city life. Brad, doesnt. He's a homebody and content spending his days video gaming, getting high, and working. I want to go out on weekends and do things, go places; not sit at home watching him race.
I want a cute little apartment, not a house. I want that part of my youth, I dont want to throw it away just because I'm with a guy at the moment. Heck. I'd even get a job, save up, and move there on my own and he can visit me. :p He'll give in eventually... just a matter of when.

Snotty Coffee

Hello all. I was actually going to Saint Jacobs.... for about 30 minutes.
LOL! We went to a quilt store run by a...Mennonite? I think that's how you spell it. It was weird...I got to go inside her house because it was next to the building, and she let me use her washroom. It was weird. I tried to guess if she had kids or if she lived alone, married or divorced. What not. Trying to be like the Criminal mind guys. :P Came to the conclusion, she's single. The house, or at least the bathroom gave it away. Maybe a kid, single mom. The bathroom had weird knitted things, pink, frilled. No guy would let his wife put that in the bathroom. No way.

Then we went to 3 baby stores, I about died. They weren't cheap places either. My god. 500 and up for a stroller. 30$ for a pair of shoes. 20 for a bottle. My god. How do people do it?? I understand getting it for maybe your first baby... but they're only going to use it a couple times. Babys grow like sprouts! Not long before you need another set of shoes, or drawer full of clothes. I mean, seriously. Who does this?! I'd be way happier going to a freaking second hand store. Cheap. Reliable. Dependable. And, not going to blow a budget and put you into debt for a fucking crib. Seriously man...blew my mind. I was seriously going to overdose on the stuff. Snuggies, cribs, blankets, dressers, dolls, stuffies, bags, dippers, bottles, everything. I was so done. I texted brad and said if I ever try and seduce him or tell him I want a baby...I told him to slap me.

Im hungry.
So. Valentines day is coming up... and I'm wondering if Brad will do anything for me. Seeing as he said he'd have a present for me waiting for Christmas when I got here, but didnt. So. Yeah. He bought himself a TV. No present for Allie. Wondering if he'll make it up this coming Valentines day...or if he'll just kinda shrug it off like my birthday. :/
I understand he hates going out, and feels like he HAS to impress me. Like our 6 months i took him out, and we both were not too into it. He wanted to just stay home and watch a movie and snuggle. We can do that this time..but I wonder if he'll do anything else that's special for me. A stuffy. Candle, some smellies. :) Maybe buy me dinner. SOMETHING! D: I just want something!!! D:

K well. Going to get food. Just got back from driving around all day.
Oh. And I tried Tim Hortons coffee...just normal 3/3 coffee. Wasnt super great, I like McDicks more. :/

Patches in space.

:) Hey. Going to St. Thomas tonight.
Should be fun. :) It's supposed to be a tourist kind of town, with a market. Should be fun. I'm going with Brandie and a few other relatives.

Should be fun. :) Yay me!

Brad's getting drunk tonight... lucky him. Wish I was. :/ Poor little me. Have fun baby. :) Im not dumb.. Meany.
You fuck your mom.
Yes.
Now.
No, that would hurt.
I love you.
Kiss me, you fool. now.
yes i do
you love me
yes you do
admit it
please
:(
You love the pussy...not the cat.
lol.
Kiss me.
:(
Ima cry.
Okay.



Disregard that. Im off. :)

finding repose in new ways

So. Today was pretty crazy. Got to stand out in -7 (....which Dave described as feeling like -27) weather to wait 40 minutes for the bus. Yay me! I just wanted to go to Tim Hortons for apple cider... little did I know I would feel like dying on the way back. D:
It really...sucked. Then, when I got home the key wouldnt open the door and the garage wouldn't open either. D: Lame sauce to the max! But I got in, and went right to the shower to bake myself. I was so scared though. I pretty much cried at the bus stop because of the cold. The wind was so fast it was stabbing at my legs. My fingers didn't have little blankets of glove to console and caress them, but luckily I found a pair hidden deep in my bag. They were grateful. My legs however, only had jeans and those didnt keep them safe. The wind was slapping me and it really wouldnt give up, relentless. I waited 40 minutes in that...I wanted to give up and pass out in the snow and freeze. Ugh. But right when I was about to give up, I saw the lights through the smoggy snow. :) Joy. But yeah, a really bad day. SO! What I was getting to. I got into the shower and at first my legs and fingers were red, but they turned purple. This made me cry more, I was very scared for my limbs. I really didnt want anything to happen to them. I remembered when I was in Washington, that time I walked with my brother. When I returned, after an hour, my legs had purple dots on them that wouldnt go away for 4 days. Freaked me right out.
But all was better once I got dressed and huddled up in bed for 10 minutes.

Brandie came home early today, was a slow day at her work. So we watched 500 Days of Summer. I get the title now. :) not summer, but the girls name was summer. It was a very good movie, but we'll get into that in my new blog! :D
Gonna research my field, while I have the time.
I also realized how much I deeply want to get back into photography. I love it, and there is so much I want to photograph. There is so much beauty out there going unnoticed. I loved being able to make a single moment capturing all the things taken advantage of fit into a single picture. Words, emotions, memories all can flow in a single glance of a solitary picture. It's great.
You can sum a persons entire existence in one picture. It's mind boggling. I love it.
I miss it. I'm going to do it again. :)

Who knows, I may be able to actually sell them. :D That could bring more money for a place! Yay! Or! Ooo...college fund! :)

I have nothing else to really say.
Brad's being cute. :) Cuddly. Affectionate. I like it.
I like him. Shhh...don't tell anyone! I want to ask him out and surprise him. ;)

Im far too tired to fall asleep.

Hey guys.
Im pretty happy with life so far. :) It's like a vacation.
I was having a really shitty last few days however. I was looking for haircuts I could get and one picture with super awesome hair was of Eleesha Cuthburt...or whomever. Brad said he liked that hair cut best. Which, granted, it's really cute. But. He said he thought all the pictures I picked was all her hair. The same girl. I didn't think so so he told me her name and to look it up.
Then I recognized her. The girl next door. Granted, she is very pretty, he didn't have to say it. I thought it was kinda funny he knew her by name and he said "Of course I know her, she's fucking hot!"
Yeah. Not fun. Specially since I asked him early that day if he thought I was pretty or hot or whatever. So, after all I do to try and make myself pretty for him, he said I was pretty. But not like, really super pretty. Thanks babe.
This just really took it over the top and yeah, my spirits kinda died. All over a stupid hair cut.
For a few days I've been really really bummed and on the verge of crying because of that.
Tears, because of a stupid hair cut. Ugh.
Then! Ha! Connor and his dad went swimming, and apparently Connor kept flirting it up with the hottest girl at the pool. Fucking gorgeous apparently. Dave kept going on and on about it. Ughh! Thanks.
I really wanted to just get out of the house. I mean, fuck.
It's a really big problem with me. Has been my entire life, but thank you for being my boyfriend whom I moved across the country to and just making the problem swell.
I do so much to make him happy. I do so much to be beautiful for him. Apparently, it didnt matter because I wasnt pretty enough anyways! Ugh.

So why am I all happy now? Well. I was really rather upset for a couple days and he kept noticing and trying to make me feel better.
His way though, he needs to work on. He said something about how he can have me and he cant have her. To which I respond, awesome, I've been settled for.
But it's all past that now. It is a very big insecurity I have, yes, but I am kind of over it.
Like, my friends from the US, when I went to visit them said I was really beautiful. Looked great. So, I felt all happy, but I wasn't happy when this happened. But I am now...if that makes sense. Like an up, down, up on a graph.

We were making pizza last night, just him and I. We made these awesome pizza pocket kinda deals, which tasted amazing btw!
And I wasn't feeling great, so he walked up to me and held my head in his hands and looked into my eyes and said
"You're not pretty Allie. You're beautiful, and you're mine."
Which...made me cry a little bit. Kind of overwhelming to hear that. But, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am too sensitive about these kinds of things.

I am so happy he is in arms reach. :) He is really a great guy. He's just never been in a relationship this serious. Which, neither have I. I dont know how to act, and he doesnt. We're learning from each other. It's nice though, to learn. It makes us closer, and I love him close to me. :) Its really nice to roll over and have him sleeping there with an arm around me. You have no idea how amazing comforting and safe I feel. And when he hasnt seen me for most of the day and he comes behind me and hugs me. Blah. So perfect.
Haha! I walked to McDonalds to see him and he did what he always did to me in Sidney. Popping his head around corners and bobbing around. Huge smile on his face. :) It was even better because the people who were back with him told me that he was so happy to see me and it made his entire day. <3
Gosh. He's so great. :)
The problems we have are mainly our "learning moments".
But yeah. It's pretty awesome here.

Sometimes I feel bad and stand there like I dont know what to do when Dave and Brandie are home. I feel uneasy around them a lot. I just need to get past it I guess.
Im not looking for a place yet, I've stopped that. Rather get a car and a job first. :) I have about 5 jobs lined up to apply for. I really wanted to get somewhere that it wouldn't affect if I was on crutches. :)
Reception.
Yay! My cure. :) Also, there are a few management jobs in offices that I can apply to. :) up to 15$ an hour! I think that's pretty good for me.
Ive also found a few places for Brad to apply that make more and he'd have more fun with. :)

Oh. That's another thing that really worrys me. His friends.
Or.. lack of them.
He really tries to have friends, but it really hurts to see them not make an effort with him. I love him to bits, and I know he's amazing. I wish other people saw.
He has better luck talking to girls...and the guys he works with who do pot or such. The girls thing, I dont get jealous about. He grew up with girls around, and his dad. The girls he knows how to talk to because of that, and the guys with drugs because of his dad. But. It hurts when he will see them walking and he waves or something and they avoid him. I want to cry so much. I wish he had someone, like a best friend that lived here.
Mike. Was supposed to be in town and hang out with Brad, but he never did. I could tell he was pretty upset about it, but he didnt say anything. :( I wish he had friends like he did on the Island. Granted, he was at Chev and Mcds, but he had them. They cared about him and he had places to hang out and not always be at home with me. I feel so bad that he cant get out and be with his friends. :( I feel horrible inside when he cant. Because I know eventually I'll have friends that want to hang out with me, and Ill do that. But he wont. :( And It makes my heart ache that he cant have a guy to be with. Like Will, Mike, Kyle or Justin. :( Even Dan for fucks sake. And Steve. :( It killed me inside when we were walking and that guy totally avoided him. I would be crushed, I wish I knew how he was feeling about it.

Dont know what else to say and it's almost 2. So, peace! Gonna go watch the Tinkerbell movie, you know you're jealous! :)
BTW, I watched district 9 last night. Fucked. Up. Movie.
Really boring at the beginning, wanted to turn it off. But it got so much better. I enjoyed it. :) Anyways. Fucked up movie.
Bye!
xx

Oh and apparently my name in my voice mail is Mango Star. xD Yay me!

Feelin like Pdiddy.

:) Second day.
First day feeling like the hours are sorta right... :) It's 11, but it feels like 9 or 10...but that's way closer than BC time, right? :) I think so.
So it was Brad's first day back to work since I arrived. :) It was really super cute. :) We woke up at what seemed 4 am. D: It was 7.

Okay so that was a while ago, but I will recap. We woke up at 7, holy early! Got all dressed and ready and drove him to work after dropping Connor off at Day care. :) He's cute, Connor I mean. He can say my name now and gives me kisses before he goes to bed. :) It's cute. Anyways! Side tracked! Brandie drove, his sister, and it was pretty weird. The one intersection had more in it than Sidney does in the whole town... and Barrie is supposed to be a small town. :/ Lets put this in perspective. The left side of this intersection has;
Tim hortons, Gas station, Mcdonalds, Chapters/starbucks, pier one, harveys, bank, swiss..whatever. The right side of the intersection is a mall... and this is the "small" side of Barrie.
Ugh. I'm vury happy. :D Allie likes city. Side tracked!
Okay so we went and dropped Brad off at work...but we walked in and he had a big smile on his face and held my hand and kept kissing me. It was so puppy love. ^^ And everyone that worked there, and I am not exaggerating. Everyone. At one point or another came up and introduced themselves with a "you must be allie"
Ive never been in a situation like that! The whole "we've heard so much about you!"
But I did this time. :) He was so happy and when I came in two days ago (after walking an hour to get there..) everyone was peaking about at me and waving. It was cute. Felt like a mini McDonald's celeb. haha! How lame is that?
Yes well. It happened. And it made me happy. The day I walked to see him he took his break right when I got in. :P He asked for it, how cute is that?? Anyways, we went home and proceeded with life.

Im getting along pretty well with his sister and brother in law, which I was very worried about doing. I love cooking and I keep the place clean when they're at work so they like it. :) Brad was upset the other day...he felt bad that I was doing more and that they liked me a lot and everyone was ignoring him. Poor baby. :( I comforted him, I'm good at that. :)
Oh! Brad bought a ...I think it's 32 LCD tv... which caused a big argument between us. I dont care about getting gifts..and thats what everyone seems to think it's about. No. It's not. It's the fact that you didnt think enough to go and do it. The thought. The desire. I want to buy you things, make you things, and make you happy all the time. Everything I see that I want, I think first, would it work for us both? And if it doesnt, I usualy dont get it. But with him it's kinda...him. He buys on impulse on if he wants it, he gets it. I was actually mad at him.
I think this would have to be our second biggest fight. First, led to the 20 min break up. This one, I was 20 seconds away from breaking up with him. I know what I do is because I love him, and he says he loves me but doesnt act the way I do, which makes me wonder if he does or doesnt. I dont know. He is a interesting character. I real project. He's been through so much shit in his day, and that does explain the selfishness at times. I just need to explain to him that it's okay now. Im here and you dont need to keep fighting for yourself, I'm fighting for you also. It's okay.
Just need to find out how to put it to him.
Haha. Now I see why they're "basshunters" haha. My stereo is thumping xD I feel it down in my muscles...awesome!
Continuing on. That night I didnt talk to him. Okay. So.
You understand
about how the tv itself wasn't the issue? K, it kinda was. We're saving for a car...and it's 700$. He spends 500$ on a tv...with his gift cards it was cheaper, but still. 70% of the car money you just spent buddy... but whatever.
When he was setting it up he was talking about how it was his and I mentioned it was ours and if I could use it. He said something about how it was his cus he bought it and yea....yeah. Got me upset. I ...donno. I left and didn't talk to him the rest of the night. And when it was time to sleep I wouldn't let him touch me and I left the room after about 30 min and went down stairs. I kinda wanted him to follow me and ask me what was wrong, but no. He didn't. 2 hours I waited. Curled up on the couch, hurting my knee.
I returned but only because of my knee.
Then I roll over, and you know how if you roll you sorta wake up?
Yeah. I did that and when I was about to fall asleep again he asked me what was wrong. Sneaky bastard. I dont know exactly what I said, but he told me I was really quiet and cute about it. He came home from work that day with some presents from Pier one for me...he knows I love it there. >< Jerk face.
Oh! I got these super awesome scents and stuff from there and mixed and matched oils it smells so good in my room. You have no idea. And! I have a basket now full of candles, oils, and everything else. xD My smells basket. :) I got soy candles..way better than wax! They're so smooth...oooo yeah.. :)
Haha, side tracked with Boten anna.... haha. The Swedish are a great people. :)
Haven't been to Toronto yet. But soon. :D
Wow. I hit the x and closed the page...but it saved it all! YAY!

So happy about that. I have a goal now though. Annoy the neighbors as much as possible! :D Go me! hahaa....yeah. They dared me to, Dave and Brad. While I'm home, crank the stereo and see how long till people say something. :)
Coming to my aid? Basshunters. Huzzah! thump. thump. thump. :) Take that snobby neighbors! I wish I had my candy still. :( It was fun making it with Jori.
Sigh.
Btw, Candy= bracelets.

But you knew that. :)
Oh. And after our little fight, Brad held me hand all night after he got home, and helped me with stuff. And! Held me all night. ^^ Best sleep I ever had, btw.
Our bedroom is totally a mini living room. xD Couch, bed, chair, tv, computer...pretty cool. :) Jealous? Probably not...most people's rooms are like that now...
Mine never was. Computers were never ever allowed in my room. Tv, only in Kendra's so she could pass out faster and sleep longer for school. Instead of 4 or 5 hours without it. Yeah, bad use and stuff...but she cant get a full 8 hours without it.
I really miss Kendra. :(
Little gucky. I wanna buy her something and mail it to her. :D :D What should I get her?
Book?
Coloring book?
Stickers?
Opinions!


da ta da ta da ta...! ^^ When she says hi to me butterflies go right through me.
Just found a song called raindrops... so far it's pretty good. :)
Makes me want to sway. Now dance. :)
I like dancing. I miss dancing. Stupid knee.
K well. I dont know what else to say. Havent found a new place but we might all be moving into one. A house with a basement suite. Brad and I would get the bottom, Dave, Brandie, Connor, and soon twins will have the upper level. Ah! His sister is pregnant with twins and my best friend is pregnant! AH!
Did I mention that?!?! OMFG.
My best friend in the world, is pregnant by her stupid druggy ex boyfriend! D:
The amazing guy she's with now still wants to be with her and help her. What a guy. :) What a sweet heart. Im happy he got her, Im happy Rachel introduced them. She's going to need so much help. She's in college and now pregnant. Oh, God, I hope everything goes okay for her. I am going to see her in a few months, and I hope everything is still going to be okay. Oh my god. Im so scared and happy for her. Squeee!

Im
gonna
be
an
Aunty!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

delution and denial

Ba dum da dum! :) One more full day left in British Columbia. Crazy...

X-Sort my clothes.
X-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
X-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
X-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
X-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
X-Give away clothes.

That's what Ive gotten of my list. :) Just packing left. Ahhhh I'm so nervous to see him again! I am going to miss everyone so much... like crazy.
I feel bad...I've kind of deceived everyone. When they say that they will miss me, I tell them I will be back. That the only reason Im going to Ontario is to convince Bradley to return. Alas, that is not my reason at all. I want to get out of Sidney. I want to go to him, I want to start a life with him. Fresh, clean, perfect. Get an apartment, live cheaper, build more friendships, build a life. I am so excited to get a place with him and buy all the things for my house to make it perfect.
Be able to paint again.
Be able to have my own room for hobbies, and he has his.
To be able to snuggle up with him at night. After everything has gone in the day, I get to go home. Put the key into the lock of my door, and open it. I am so excited to open the door to that perfect homey smell, walk in and have dinner with my love. Curl up on the couch with him, and crawl into bed next to him.
:) That is my goal. That is my dream.
I am sorry for those I lied to about it, and coming back. But, I dont think I will be coming back. I will visit, for those I love, but I am not moving back. I doubt it. It's weird to think about, but that's most likely how it is going down.

I cant wait to spice up my life. :) :)
Im excited to see the other half of the world. :p I feel like my grandma. How she moved across the country to be with the man she loved. Woot!
I miss them.
My Grandparents. :/ I really hope that Brad and I can make it back to see them before they pass on. I really want them to know him. I really want him to know them. I want him to know my brother and my dad also.
Just because my mom doesn't like him, doesn't mean he's not worth liking. My sister adores him, and kids can always tell a persons personality first.
He wants so much for my mother to like him, and to accept him. Ive never seen him so worried about being liked. It's cute, but I feel so bad. :( He feels ...
he feels so horrible. Like because my family doesnt like him, he's not a good person.

He tried so hard to get them to like him. It was also cute. He wanted to cook them food, and tidy the house, and just make the best impression he could. It makes me happy inside he cared so much.
It meant he cared because they are my family. For example, when the fiance meets the family and has to be approved before he is acceptable to be married off to their daughter. It felt like that.
He seems like the kind that would ask my dad for my hand before he asked me.
:) I feel like I am worth loving when he does those sorts of things for me.

I am so excited to get on that plane. I know I'm going to cry Wednesday, but I cant wait. I am not excited to leave Kendra, but I have to. Well, I dont have to but want to. I need to. I am excited to straighten my hair and doll up to see him again. :)
I noticed that since he isn't here anymore, I really dont care what I look like. xD I dont ever put on make up, or any kind. Not even eye.
I also never do my hair, I just put it up. I dont worry about anything, I just go out and do what I need to do. But I am very happy to be able to dress up and do my hair and such for him. Dude,
I
am
such
a
fucking
girl.

Dinner tonight.
Tynan is coming over. :) Pretty stoked. We're gonna watch movies tomorrow, that will be fun. :) :)

Plenty of time.

Out of the following I have done:

X-Sort my clothes.
X-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
X-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
-Give away clothes.

I'll update about today's amazing adventure soon. My knee is throbbing though, must rest it. :)
xoxo

no reasons.

So. :( My knee really hurts. It's like the bone hurting though... it's weird.
I wish the little holes would just come together and close up.. ugh.


ugh.

healed cowboy boots.

C:
Finally got my car insurance canceled. :)
Got my bank account fixed.
Switched my car into my moms name.
Got an appointment to see the surgeon in Ontario.
Feb 3rd. :)
Pretty excited.
Now I just need to do the following:

-Sort my clothes.
-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
-Give away clothes.

Let's see if I can do it. :) Things 3 and 1 I hope to do today. :) Can I do it??

Ugh. It's so weird. I'm actually moving.... how weird is that? All the way to Ontario. :S
So far. Far. Far. Far away. :/

BOTT!

Hey there. :) Friend. Or should I say fiend?

Muahhahaha! Well. I'm eating soup now...I like making soup now. I kinda take the can and add different things to it. :) This time I only added noodles, prolly could have added some turkey. Mmm...that would have been good.

So I quit McDonald's, finally.
Im very glad and have way less stress and annoyance on my shoulders now. :) No more stupid Nicole. No more bitchy customers I have to be polite with. Fucking losers. You're paying 5$ for a burger...be happy. Seriously, It's not a ***** place...get over it. So annoying.
Letting my soup simmer. :) Pretty nice. Let the juices soak into the noodles...mmmmm :) Yum.
So. Haha! I wrote on facebook the other day;
FU NH.
Clearly meaning, fuck you Nicole hart. xD
She messages me being like, what did I do to you? Whining about it, and I just brushed it off and said it was an ex friend. lol, she bought it. I honestly couldn't care less though, not like I'm going in there again. I kinda feel like Rosie when she quit and was afraid of Steve. :p Steve is such a baby. Really. :) Not in a bad way, in a softy kinda way. Once you're friends with him, he'd do anything for you. I think it's cool. :) Andrew told me once he could see him and me dating; Steve not Andrew. I don't see it. Brad's my only guy. :) :)
Forevers.
He called me his wife two days ago. :p Usually he'll say "wifey" but it's like a nickname. For him to actually say that to me, it's different. It's...sincere. It makes me very happy, makes me glow. :)
Glow like a newly married princess.
Yes! I'm a princess! Where I am actually number one...not two. : ) Pretty stoked.

So. Had my knee surgery. But, it didn't get fixed. Which, now, pisses me off. It's been three years. Finally get in. And all he does is scope around. WTF?! Actually? It was originally the meniscus that was torn. Because of this ridiculous wait, it is now effected my ACL. The main ligament that helps your knee work....I'm fucked. Who's fault is that? Fucking surgeon's. Pretty awesome right? Yeah. Now I'm moving, and need to get a surgeon over there to get on this. Not so fucking elective now is it?? Nah. Now it involves my actually knee staying together, because you thought there would be time to fiddle. Nope. Guess not.
My knee is breaking down in front of you, and it's your own fault. I could sue you, but I wont. I just want my knee fixed. Ass. I'm 20, and crippled. Actually. I am 20, and my knee is falling apart. No ACL working, and a torn Meniscus. Awesome. Who do you actually know who has a damaged ACL..and still does things normally? Didn't think so.
Im fucked, and it's your fault.
When I went in, he saw me. But he just rambled through things he was going to do. I felt so overwhelmed. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I wanted to ask him. He didn't let me and just signed my leg and walked off. I wanted him to do whatever he could to fix it, I didn't care what it involved. I just wanted it done. I was so stoked it would be finished, finally. So I go into the surgery room...it was so surreal. I'm listening to this song "Everything goes" and I swear; if there was a song to play during this whole ordeal, that would be it. Like if that time in my life was a video, this would be the song. So unreal. The lights, the tv screens, the charts. It was weird. I felt like I was in an episode of house. :p Then they tied my hands to the bed...put the heart rate thing on me...had my IV in...the mask over my face. They were all talking so sweetly to me...like a humming. Sweet humming voices.
Put the mask on my face and told me to breath.
It wasn't easy. Breathing in was easy...but pushing the air out made me feel sufficated. I wanted to push the mask off, it was weird. I said it was kind of hard to breath, and they just kept it on. It seemed as they chanted for me to breath more. It was ... odd.

The sweet humming voices continued as I closed my eyes. I don't remember actually closing my eyes. I dont remember them telling me to count backwards. I just remember the sufficating mask, and waking up. I shot up when it wore off and asked when the doctor was coming back in. Apparently, it had already finished. Awesome. It was finished! My knee was fixed! Then, I found out what really happened. :/ Lame ass.

So I can almost walk on my leg again. Don''t want to push it however. Just let it go. My wounds aren't even healed, I'm sure I shouldn't walk yet. Oh!
Ew.
Dude.
I was in my room, rewrapping the tenser bandage around my knee, and cleaning off my leg with a rag. Bethany was watching me, apparently she was in awe of my knee. She told me I should take the tape off. I really didnt want to because my knee was still bleeding into my bandage. I thought for a little bit, then decided to see how easily it would come off. If it started to hurt, or there was hair, I would stop.
It was coming off very easy. So I kept going. :) Nice! I could be healed! Nope.

Removed the tape just enough to see it. The cut. :S
I could see it, fully opened. Bloody. Not even close to being closed. I could see down into my knee. :S Freaked me out and I covered it up fast! I don't know why I was so scared, instead of intrueged.
It just...was so weird.
Went through this experience with whispers and humming, and now I have holes to the inside of my leg.
Bethany wanted to look, but I wouldn't remove that tape again. Id like my leg to heal. Not be open and weak to the air and the world around.

I did use the sponge to clean myself so it would be faster to heal, but I don't know. Makes me uneasy.
I kinda like how it takes me a few days to update my blog, and then my blogs just end up being hours long.
I am listening to some new weird and trippy music. :) I like it.
Some techno, some rave, some easy going, and some fucked up shit. :p

I really like feeling the music fill my ears and poor out down my neck and then wrap me up in its arms. Its a nice feeling to be held and rocked to sleep by music. I have started to view everything in my life differently since the trip.

My emotions have changed. My opinions on life has changed. Everything has changed. Except for say, my love of people. Maybe not, I love those whom I love more now. Like the love I had for them has been pumped full of cologine. It's cool. I feel pumped up and so inwarmed when I see these people now. :) It's a nice feeling.
I get t3s! LOL! But Im not going to use them, I'll give them to my mom. She needs them more for her pain than I do. t1's will do fine for me. :)

I cant believe that on the 13th I am leaving. Im moving out. For real.
With you. :) My baby boy.
My love.
I am so excited. Im also scared. Seeing as I will be having surgery over there...and wont recover for 3 months. Three months, how insane is that??

Now you're gone! I realize my love for you was strong... haha
:) That makes me super happy. :)
Sometimes I will walk around...and wish I was tripping again. xD I would love so much to be on that and go to work. See how they'd like me then. :) Fuck yeah. I'd be loved by everyone...like actually.
Super cool.
Brad said when I get there we can try that kinda stuff, but only when he is there with me.
He cried on the phone when he found out I did it the first time. So angry. It was because he wasnt there to help me. I was alone 6 hours...and I could have died. It freaked the shit out of him that I was that close to dying without him even there to help. Poor guy. :( I feel real bad for putting my baby through that.

Holy fuck. I cant wait to see him. 7 more times of sleeping. Then I get to wake up to a plane to see him. OMFG. My heart is racing.
Im so scared.
Im so excited.
I cant wait.
I wish it was a longer wait.
:s Im so torn.
Kendra. My little girly. She cried when I told her I was moving. :( She cries when I am not in the same room as her now. I love that little girl. :) She's perfect. Other than her tantrums, but I could fix those. I think I will give her the dress I got her for Christmas on the day before I leave, to remember me. :) I love her. :)

I miss him though. More than anything. God. To feel his arms around me and hold me when I am crying, it makes everything go away. Everything. I just close my eyes and we drift away.

I really hate when you go to a dollar store, and they have things for 17 dollars. Fucking get a kids hopes up. :/

Hon rojur upp I varan kanal. :) Swedish now you're gone. :p
Soak that in. :) Drink it up. :) Och han kan banna, banna dig sa hart. :)

D:

Fucking gay.
No solid foods, and all I want is a fucking sausage egg mcmuffin or some egg! D: Not to mention the fuckin coffee I want.

Im so bad with times to wake up.

Fuckin trey gay.

Wudduuppp

So. Surgery tomorrow. Stoked. :)
Also. Um. Im moving.
Yes.
To Ontario. :) Barrie. On the 13th of January. Pretty damn fucking excited! I get to be with my baby soon...it's been too long. I can not wait to feel his arms wrap around me and his lips touch mine. God. It's like a dream. :) I really cant wait. I love him to pieces. <3

Surgery! Off to bed I go. No more solid foods for me. :p Just liquids! Uh oohhh! :P WISH ME LUCK! <3 Three years in the waiting. :)

Irritated.

So. I'm fucking sick of you. Call me fucking lazy? Hypocrite. Don't think I dont hear you complaining about me. Screw off.
Seriously. I have been working, and what have you been doing? Nothing. Thank you very much, but screw you. I didn't do those dishes why? Because I had to be working! I was pissed off because the last time this happened, I had been working 5 days in a row. 8 hours. And I came home to do the fucking chores, because none of you could. So I'm so upset, I didn't do it this time. You can do it yourself. So, I'm annoyed. Then what do I get? You accusing me of stealing your stuff, throwing your stuff away, and being too lazy to pick up a fucking piece of soap. I DIDN'T FUCKING USE IT! Ugh. I'm really annoyed. I know I only have a few days, but fuck. I can not take this if I dont have more weed. I'm not an addict, but holy fuck. This is really ...just ridiculous. I want to punch you in the face, so much.

K so. New years. Yippy. I dont give a fuck. It's just another day. Negative, probably. I dont care. I'm alone. He's not here. My friends are kinda....peacing on me. My family are being dicks. Im just, too irritated to be deep and think. I just want him back. I want him to come the fuck home so we can get a place here. This keeps happening. I miss him, and then I get angry. I get angry at him for leaving me. Leaving me here to feel all this pain. Today, I felt the pain and got very upset and depressed. Texts to him are as follows:
"Why the fuck am I always second? Why the fuck do I try so hard and get hurt? Why the fuck do I get left behind, why am I such a fucking nucience? What the fuck did I do wrong in my life to get treated like this? Fuck 2010. Fuck BC. Fuck Canada. Im just a tag along, fuck up, waste of time and space. "
His reply was a few things, but do you love me was a question in it.
"You had to make sure I loved you?? Why is it you who always asks that? Im the one who makes an effort to talk to you, youre the one that doesnt want to talk to me because youre watching tv, with your brother in law, or Connor. I get upset and youre asking me if I love you?? Really??"

Yeah. I blew up on him today. Friends ditch me or just fucking forget about me. My work thinks I am not work their money or time. My boss, the owner, said that. My family always wants me gone, and now my boyfriend never wants to talk to me. Ugh. I have had the worst week. Him and I keep getting into fights because he DOESNT GET IT! D: How can you really not get it? I dont understand. It frustrates me so much...I cant even spell!

I dont even know what to say further. I ...I just fucking want him back! Is that so hard? I know it's Feb 10th...but uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! D:

CRY! :( Cry, cry, cry cry. D: