Hello all. I was actually going to Saint Jacobs.... for about 30 minutes.
LOL! We went to a quilt store run by a...Mennonite? I think that's how you spell it. It was weird...I got to go inside her house because it was next to the building, and she let me use her washroom. It was weird. I tried to guess if she had kids or if she lived alone, married or divorced. What not. Trying to be like the Criminal mind guys. :P Came to the conclusion, she's single. The house, or at least the bathroom gave it away. Maybe a kid, single mom. The bathroom had weird knitted things, pink, frilled. No guy would let his wife put that in the bathroom. No way.
Then we went to 3 baby stores, I about died. They weren't cheap places either. My god. 500 and up for a stroller. 30$ for a pair of shoes. 20 for a bottle. My god. How do people do it?? I understand getting it for maybe your first baby... but they're only going to use it a couple times. Babys grow like sprouts! Not long before you need another set of shoes, or drawer full of clothes. I mean, seriously. Who does this?! I'd be way happier going to a freaking second hand store. Cheap. Reliable. Dependable. And, not going to blow a budget and put you into debt for a fucking crib. Seriously man...blew my mind. I was seriously going to overdose on the stuff. Snuggies, cribs, blankets, dressers, dolls, stuffies, bags, dippers, bottles, everything. I was so done. I texted brad and said if I ever try and seduce him or tell him I want a baby...I told him to slap me.
Im hungry.
So. Valentines day is coming up... and I'm wondering if Brad will do anything for me. Seeing as he said he'd have a present for me waiting for Christmas when I got here, but didnt. So. Yeah. He bought himself a TV. No present for Allie. Wondering if he'll make it up this coming Valentines day...or if he'll just kinda shrug it off like my birthday. :/
I understand he hates going out, and feels like he HAS to impress me. Like our 6 months i took him out, and we both were not too into it. He wanted to just stay home and watch a movie and snuggle. We can do that this time..but I wonder if he'll do anything else that's special for me. A stuffy. Candle, some smellies. :) Maybe buy me dinner. SOMETHING! D: I just want something!!! D:
K well. Going to get food. Just got back from driving around all day.
Oh. And I tried Tim Hortons coffee...just normal 3/3 coffee. Wasnt super great, I like McDicks more. :/
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Patches in space.
:) Hey. Going to St. Thomas tonight.
Should be fun. :) It's supposed to be a tourist kind of town, with a market. Should be fun. I'm going with Brandie and a few other relatives.
Should be fun. :) Yay me!
Brad's getting drunk tonight... lucky him. Wish I was. :/ Poor little me. Have fun baby. :) Im not dumb.. Meany.
You fuck your mom.
Yes.
Now.
No, that would hurt.
I love you.
Kiss me, you fool. now.
yes i do
you love me
yes you do
admit it
please
:(
You love the pussy...not the cat.
lol.
Kiss me.
:(
Ima cry.
Okay.
Disregard that. Im off. :)
Should be fun. :) It's supposed to be a tourist kind of town, with a market. Should be fun. I'm going with Brandie and a few other relatives.
Should be fun. :) Yay me!
Brad's getting drunk tonight... lucky him. Wish I was. :/ Poor little me. Have fun baby. :) Im not dumb.. Meany.
You fuck your mom.
Yes.
Now.
No, that would hurt.
I love you.
Kiss me, you fool. now.
yes i do
you love me
yes you do
admit it
please
:(
You love the pussy...not the cat.
lol.
Kiss me.
:(
Ima cry.
Okay.
Disregard that. Im off. :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
finding repose in new ways
So. Today was pretty crazy. Got to stand out in -7 (....which Dave described as feeling like -27) weather to wait 40 minutes for the bus. Yay me! I just wanted to go to Tim Hortons for apple cider... little did I know I would feel like dying on the way back. D:
It really...sucked. Then, when I got home the key wouldnt open the door and the garage wouldn't open either. D: Lame sauce to the max! But I got in, and went right to the shower to bake myself. I was so scared though. I pretty much cried at the bus stop because of the cold. The wind was so fast it was stabbing at my legs. My fingers didn't have little blankets of glove to console and caress them, but luckily I found a pair hidden deep in my bag. They were grateful. My legs however, only had jeans and those didnt keep them safe. The wind was slapping me and it really wouldnt give up, relentless. I waited 40 minutes in that...I wanted to give up and pass out in the snow and freeze. Ugh. But right when I was about to give up, I saw the lights through the smoggy snow. :) Joy. But yeah, a really bad day. SO! What I was getting to. I got into the shower and at first my legs and fingers were red, but they turned purple. This made me cry more, I was very scared for my limbs. I really didnt want anything to happen to them. I remembered when I was in Washington, that time I walked with my brother. When I returned, after an hour, my legs had purple dots on them that wouldnt go away for 4 days. Freaked me right out.
But all was better once I got dressed and huddled up in bed for 10 minutes.
Brandie came home early today, was a slow day at her work. So we watched 500 Days of Summer. I get the title now. :) not summer, but the girls name was summer. It was a very good movie, but we'll get into that in my new blog! :D
Gonna research my field, while I have the time.
I also realized how much I deeply want to get back into photography. I love it, and there is so much I want to photograph. There is so much beauty out there going unnoticed. I loved being able to make a single moment capturing all the things taken advantage of fit into a single picture. Words, emotions, memories all can flow in a single glance of a solitary picture. It's great.
You can sum a persons entire existence in one picture. It's mind boggling. I love it.
I miss it. I'm going to do it again. :)
Who knows, I may be able to actually sell them. :D That could bring more money for a place! Yay! Or! Ooo...college fund! :)
I have nothing else to really say.
Brad's being cute. :) Cuddly. Affectionate. I like it.
I like him. Shhh...don't tell anyone! I want to ask him out and surprise him. ;)
It really...sucked. Then, when I got home the key wouldnt open the door and the garage wouldn't open either. D: Lame sauce to the max! But I got in, and went right to the shower to bake myself. I was so scared though. I pretty much cried at the bus stop because of the cold. The wind was so fast it was stabbing at my legs. My fingers didn't have little blankets of glove to console and caress them, but luckily I found a pair hidden deep in my bag. They were grateful. My legs however, only had jeans and those didnt keep them safe. The wind was slapping me and it really wouldnt give up, relentless. I waited 40 minutes in that...I wanted to give up and pass out in the snow and freeze. Ugh. But right when I was about to give up, I saw the lights through the smoggy snow. :) Joy. But yeah, a really bad day. SO! What I was getting to. I got into the shower and at first my legs and fingers were red, but they turned purple. This made me cry more, I was very scared for my limbs. I really didnt want anything to happen to them. I remembered when I was in Washington, that time I walked with my brother. When I returned, after an hour, my legs had purple dots on them that wouldnt go away for 4 days. Freaked me right out.
But all was better once I got dressed and huddled up in bed for 10 minutes.
Brandie came home early today, was a slow day at her work. So we watched 500 Days of Summer. I get the title now. :) not summer, but the girls name was summer. It was a very good movie, but we'll get into that in my new blog! :D
Gonna research my field, while I have the time.
I also realized how much I deeply want to get back into photography. I love it, and there is so much I want to photograph. There is so much beauty out there going unnoticed. I loved being able to make a single moment capturing all the things taken advantage of fit into a single picture. Words, emotions, memories all can flow in a single glance of a solitary picture. It's great.
You can sum a persons entire existence in one picture. It's mind boggling. I love it.
I miss it. I'm going to do it again. :)
Who knows, I may be able to actually sell them. :D That could bring more money for a place! Yay! Or! Ooo...college fund! :)
I have nothing else to really say.
Brad's being cute. :) Cuddly. Affectionate. I like it.
I like him. Shhh...don't tell anyone! I want to ask him out and surprise him. ;)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Im far too tired to fall asleep.
Hey guys.
Im pretty happy with life so far. :) It's like a vacation.
I was having a really shitty last few days however. I was looking for haircuts I could get and one picture with super awesome hair was of Eleesha Cuthburt...or whomever. Brad said he liked that hair cut best. Which, granted, it's really cute. But. He said he thought all the pictures I picked was all her hair. The same girl. I didn't think so so he told me her name and to look it up.
Then I recognized her. The girl next door. Granted, she is very pretty, he didn't have to say it. I thought it was kinda funny he knew her by name and he said "Of course I know her, she's fucking hot!"
Yeah. Not fun. Specially since I asked him early that day if he thought I was pretty or hot or whatever. So, after all I do to try and make myself pretty for him, he said I was pretty. But not like, really super pretty. Thanks babe.
This just really took it over the top and yeah, my spirits kinda died. All over a stupid hair cut.
For a few days I've been really really bummed and on the verge of crying because of that.
Tears, because of a stupid hair cut. Ugh.
Then! Ha! Connor and his dad went swimming, and apparently Connor kept flirting it up with the hottest girl at the pool. Fucking gorgeous apparently. Dave kept going on and on about it. Ughh! Thanks.
I really wanted to just get out of the house. I mean, fuck.
It's a really big problem with me. Has been my entire life, but thank you for being my boyfriend whom I moved across the country to and just making the problem swell.
I do so much to make him happy. I do so much to be beautiful for him. Apparently, it didnt matter because I wasnt pretty enough anyways! Ugh.
So why am I all happy now? Well. I was really rather upset for a couple days and he kept noticing and trying to make me feel better.
His way though, he needs to work on. He said something about how he can have me and he cant have her. To which I respond, awesome, I've been settled for.
But it's all past that now. It is a very big insecurity I have, yes, but I am kind of over it.
Like, my friends from the US, when I went to visit them said I was really beautiful. Looked great. So, I felt all happy, but I wasn't happy when this happened. But I am now...if that makes sense. Like an up, down, up on a graph.
We were making pizza last night, just him and I. We made these awesome pizza pocket kinda deals, which tasted amazing btw!
And I wasn't feeling great, so he walked up to me and held my head in his hands and looked into my eyes and said
"You're not pretty Allie. You're beautiful, and you're mine."
Which...made me cry a little bit. Kind of overwhelming to hear that. But, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am too sensitive about these kinds of things.
I am so happy he is in arms reach. :) He is really a great guy. He's just never been in a relationship this serious. Which, neither have I. I dont know how to act, and he doesnt. We're learning from each other. It's nice though, to learn. It makes us closer, and I love him close to me. :) Its really nice to roll over and have him sleeping there with an arm around me. You have no idea how amazing comforting and safe I feel. And when he hasnt seen me for most of the day and he comes behind me and hugs me. Blah. So perfect.
Haha! I walked to McDonalds to see him and he did what he always did to me in Sidney. Popping his head around corners and bobbing around. Huge smile on his face. :) It was even better because the people who were back with him told me that he was so happy to see me and it made his entire day. <3
Gosh. He's so great. :)
The problems we have are mainly our "learning moments".
But yeah. It's pretty awesome here.
Sometimes I feel bad and stand there like I dont know what to do when Dave and Brandie are home. I feel uneasy around them a lot. I just need to get past it I guess.
Im not looking for a place yet, I've stopped that. Rather get a car and a job first. :) I have about 5 jobs lined up to apply for. I really wanted to get somewhere that it wouldn't affect if I was on crutches. :)
Reception.
Yay! My cure. :) Also, there are a few management jobs in offices that I can apply to. :) up to 15$ an hour! I think that's pretty good for me.
Ive also found a few places for Brad to apply that make more and he'd have more fun with. :)
Oh. That's another thing that really worrys me. His friends.
Or.. lack of them.
He really tries to have friends, but it really hurts to see them not make an effort with him. I love him to bits, and I know he's amazing. I wish other people saw.
He has better luck talking to girls...and the guys he works with who do pot or such. The girls thing, I dont get jealous about. He grew up with girls around, and his dad. The girls he knows how to talk to because of that, and the guys with drugs because of his dad. But. It hurts when he will see them walking and he waves or something and they avoid him. I want to cry so much. I wish he had someone, like a best friend that lived here.
Mike. Was supposed to be in town and hang out with Brad, but he never did. I could tell he was pretty upset about it, but he didnt say anything. :( I wish he had friends like he did on the Island. Granted, he was at Chev and Mcds, but he had them. They cared about him and he had places to hang out and not always be at home with me. I feel so bad that he cant get out and be with his friends. :( I feel horrible inside when he cant. Because I know eventually I'll have friends that want to hang out with me, and Ill do that. But he wont. :( And It makes my heart ache that he cant have a guy to be with. Like Will, Mike, Kyle or Justin. :( Even Dan for fucks sake. And Steve. :( It killed me inside when we were walking and that guy totally avoided him. I would be crushed, I wish I knew how he was feeling about it.
Dont know what else to say and it's almost 2. So, peace! Gonna go watch the Tinkerbell movie, you know you're jealous! :)
BTW, I watched district 9 last night. Fucked. Up. Movie.
Really boring at the beginning, wanted to turn it off. But it got so much better. I enjoyed it. :) Anyways. Fucked up movie.
Bye!
xx
Oh and apparently my name in my voice mail is Mango Star. xD Yay me!
Im pretty happy with life so far. :) It's like a vacation.
I was having a really shitty last few days however. I was looking for haircuts I could get and one picture with super awesome hair was of Eleesha Cuthburt...or whomever. Brad said he liked that hair cut best. Which, granted, it's really cute. But. He said he thought all the pictures I picked was all her hair. The same girl. I didn't think so so he told me her name and to look it up.
Then I recognized her. The girl next door. Granted, she is very pretty, he didn't have to say it. I thought it was kinda funny he knew her by name and he said "Of course I know her, she's fucking hot!"
Yeah. Not fun. Specially since I asked him early that day if he thought I was pretty or hot or whatever. So, after all I do to try and make myself pretty for him, he said I was pretty. But not like, really super pretty. Thanks babe.
This just really took it over the top and yeah, my spirits kinda died. All over a stupid hair cut.
For a few days I've been really really bummed and on the verge of crying because of that.
Tears, because of a stupid hair cut. Ugh.
Then! Ha! Connor and his dad went swimming, and apparently Connor kept flirting it up with the hottest girl at the pool. Fucking gorgeous apparently. Dave kept going on and on about it. Ughh! Thanks.
I really wanted to just get out of the house. I mean, fuck.
It's a really big problem with me. Has been my entire life, but thank you for being my boyfriend whom I moved across the country to and just making the problem swell.
I do so much to make him happy. I do so much to be beautiful for him. Apparently, it didnt matter because I wasnt pretty enough anyways! Ugh.
So why am I all happy now? Well. I was really rather upset for a couple days and he kept noticing and trying to make me feel better.
His way though, he needs to work on. He said something about how he can have me and he cant have her. To which I respond, awesome, I've been settled for.
But it's all past that now. It is a very big insecurity I have, yes, but I am kind of over it.
Like, my friends from the US, when I went to visit them said I was really beautiful. Looked great. So, I felt all happy, but I wasn't happy when this happened. But I am now...if that makes sense. Like an up, down, up on a graph.
We were making pizza last night, just him and I. We made these awesome pizza pocket kinda deals, which tasted amazing btw!
And I wasn't feeling great, so he walked up to me and held my head in his hands and looked into my eyes and said
"You're not pretty Allie. You're beautiful, and you're mine."
Which...made me cry a little bit. Kind of overwhelming to hear that. But, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am too sensitive about these kinds of things.
I am so happy he is in arms reach. :) He is really a great guy. He's just never been in a relationship this serious. Which, neither have I. I dont know how to act, and he doesnt. We're learning from each other. It's nice though, to learn. It makes us closer, and I love him close to me. :) Its really nice to roll over and have him sleeping there with an arm around me. You have no idea how amazing comforting and safe I feel. And when he hasnt seen me for most of the day and he comes behind me and hugs me. Blah. So perfect.
Haha! I walked to McDonalds to see him and he did what he always did to me in Sidney. Popping his head around corners and bobbing around. Huge smile on his face. :) It was even better because the people who were back with him told me that he was so happy to see me and it made his entire day. <3
Gosh. He's so great. :)
The problems we have are mainly our "learning moments".
But yeah. It's pretty awesome here.
Sometimes I feel bad and stand there like I dont know what to do when Dave and Brandie are home. I feel uneasy around them a lot. I just need to get past it I guess.
Im not looking for a place yet, I've stopped that. Rather get a car and a job first. :) I have about 5 jobs lined up to apply for. I really wanted to get somewhere that it wouldn't affect if I was on crutches. :)
Reception.
Yay! My cure. :) Also, there are a few management jobs in offices that I can apply to. :) up to 15$ an hour! I think that's pretty good for me.
Ive also found a few places for Brad to apply that make more and he'd have more fun with. :)
Oh. That's another thing that really worrys me. His friends.
Or.. lack of them.
He really tries to have friends, but it really hurts to see them not make an effort with him. I love him to bits, and I know he's amazing. I wish other people saw.
He has better luck talking to girls...and the guys he works with who do pot or such. The girls thing, I dont get jealous about. He grew up with girls around, and his dad. The girls he knows how to talk to because of that, and the guys with drugs because of his dad. But. It hurts when he will see them walking and he waves or something and they avoid him. I want to cry so much. I wish he had someone, like a best friend that lived here.
Mike. Was supposed to be in town and hang out with Brad, but he never did. I could tell he was pretty upset about it, but he didnt say anything. :( I wish he had friends like he did on the Island. Granted, he was at Chev and Mcds, but he had them. They cared about him and he had places to hang out and not always be at home with me. I feel so bad that he cant get out and be with his friends. :( I feel horrible inside when he cant. Because I know eventually I'll have friends that want to hang out with me, and Ill do that. But he wont. :( And It makes my heart ache that he cant have a guy to be with. Like Will, Mike, Kyle or Justin. :( Even Dan for fucks sake. And Steve. :( It killed me inside when we were walking and that guy totally avoided him. I would be crushed, I wish I knew how he was feeling about it.
Dont know what else to say and it's almost 2. So, peace! Gonna go watch the Tinkerbell movie, you know you're jealous! :)
BTW, I watched district 9 last night. Fucked. Up. Movie.
Really boring at the beginning, wanted to turn it off. But it got so much better. I enjoyed it. :) Anyways. Fucked up movie.
Bye!
xx
Oh and apparently my name in my voice mail is Mango Star. xD Yay me!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Feelin like Pdiddy.
:) Second day.
First day feeling like the hours are sorta right... :) It's 11, but it feels like 9 or 10...but that's way closer than BC time, right? :) I think so.
So it was Brad's first day back to work since I arrived. :) It was really super cute. :) We woke up at what seemed 4 am. D: It was 7.
Okay so that was a while ago, but I will recap. We woke up at 7, holy early! Got all dressed and ready and drove him to work after dropping Connor off at Day care. :) He's cute, Connor I mean. He can say my name now and gives me kisses before he goes to bed. :) It's cute. Anyways! Side tracked! Brandie drove, his sister, and it was pretty weird. The one intersection had more in it than Sidney does in the whole town... and Barrie is supposed to be a small town. :/ Lets put this in perspective. The left side of this intersection has;
Tim hortons, Gas station, Mcdonalds, Chapters/starbucks, pier one, harveys, bank, swiss..whatever. The right side of the intersection is a mall... and this is the "small" side of Barrie.
Ugh. I'm vury happy. :D Allie likes city. Side tracked!
Okay so we went and dropped Brad off at work...but we walked in and he had a big smile on his face and held my hand and kept kissing me. It was so puppy love. ^^ And everyone that worked there, and I am not exaggerating. Everyone. At one point or another came up and introduced themselves with a "you must be allie"
Ive never been in a situation like that! The whole "we've heard so much about you!"
But I did this time. :) He was so happy and when I came in two days ago (after walking an hour to get there..) everyone was peaking about at me and waving. It was cute. Felt like a mini McDonald's celeb. haha! How lame is that?
Yes well. It happened. And it made me happy. The day I walked to see him he took his break right when I got in. :P He asked for it, how cute is that?? Anyways, we went home and proceeded with life.
Im getting along pretty well with his sister and brother in law, which I was very worried about doing. I love cooking and I keep the place clean when they're at work so they like it. :) Brad was upset the other day...he felt bad that I was doing more and that they liked me a lot and everyone was ignoring him. Poor baby. :( I comforted him, I'm good at that. :)
Oh! Brad bought a ...I think it's 32 LCD tv... which caused a big argument between us. I dont care about getting gifts..and thats what everyone seems to think it's about. No. It's not. It's the fact that you didnt think enough to go and do it. The thought. The desire. I want to buy you things, make you things, and make you happy all the time. Everything I see that I want, I think first, would it work for us both? And if it doesnt, I usualy dont get it. But with him it's kinda...him. He buys on impulse on if he wants it, he gets it. I was actually mad at him.
I think this would have to be our second biggest fight. First, led to the 20 min break up. This one, I was 20 seconds away from breaking up with him. I know what I do is because I love him, and he says he loves me but doesnt act the way I do, which makes me wonder if he does or doesnt. I dont know. He is a interesting character. I real project. He's been through so much shit in his day, and that does explain the selfishness at times. I just need to explain to him that it's okay now. Im here and you dont need to keep fighting for yourself, I'm fighting for you also. It's okay.
Just need to find out how to put it to him.
Haha. Now I see why they're "basshunters" haha. My stereo is thumping xD I feel it down in my muscles...awesome!
Continuing on. That night I didnt talk to him. Okay. So.
You understand
about how the tv itself wasn't the issue? K, it kinda was. We're saving for a car...and it's 700$. He spends 500$ on a tv...with his gift cards it was cheaper, but still. 70% of the car money you just spent buddy... but whatever.
When he was setting it up he was talking about how it was his and I mentioned it was ours and if I could use it. He said something about how it was his cus he bought it and yea....yeah. Got me upset. I ...donno. I left and didn't talk to him the rest of the night. And when it was time to sleep I wouldn't let him touch me and I left the room after about 30 min and went down stairs. I kinda wanted him to follow me and ask me what was wrong, but no. He didn't. 2 hours I waited. Curled up on the couch, hurting my knee.
I returned but only because of my knee.
Then I roll over, and you know how if you roll you sorta wake up?
Yeah. I did that and when I was about to fall asleep again he asked me what was wrong. Sneaky bastard. I dont know exactly what I said, but he told me I was really quiet and cute about it. He came home from work that day with some presents from Pier one for me...he knows I love it there. >< Jerk face.
Oh! I got these super awesome scents and stuff from there and mixed and matched oils it smells so good in my room. You have no idea. And! I have a basket now full of candles, oils, and everything else. xD My smells basket. :) I got soy candles..way better than wax! They're so smooth...oooo yeah.. :)
Haha, side tracked with Boten anna.... haha. The Swedish are a great people. :)
Haven't been to Toronto yet. But soon. :D
Wow. I hit the x and closed the page...but it saved it all! YAY!
So happy about that. I have a goal now though. Annoy the neighbors as much as possible! :D Go me! hahaa....yeah. They dared me to, Dave and Brad. While I'm home, crank the stereo and see how long till people say something. :)
Coming to my aid? Basshunters. Huzzah! thump. thump. thump. :) Take that snobby neighbors! I wish I had my candy still. :( It was fun making it with Jori.
Sigh.
Btw, Candy= bracelets.
But you knew that. :)
Oh. And after our little fight, Brad held me hand all night after he got home, and helped me with stuff. And! Held me all night. ^^ Best sleep I ever had, btw.
Our bedroom is totally a mini living room. xD Couch, bed, chair, tv, computer...pretty cool. :) Jealous? Probably not...most people's rooms are like that now...
Mine never was. Computers were never ever allowed in my room. Tv, only in Kendra's so she could pass out faster and sleep longer for school. Instead of 4 or 5 hours without it. Yeah, bad use and stuff...but she cant get a full 8 hours without it.
I really miss Kendra. :(
Little gucky. I wanna buy her something and mail it to her. :D :D What should I get her?
Book?
Coloring book?
Stickers?
Opinions!
da ta da ta da ta...! ^^ When she says hi to me butterflies go right through me.
Just found a song called raindrops... so far it's pretty good. :)
Makes me want to sway. Now dance. :)
I like dancing. I miss dancing. Stupid knee.
K well. I dont know what else to say. Havent found a new place but we might all be moving into one. A house with a basement suite. Brad and I would get the bottom, Dave, Brandie, Connor, and soon twins will have the upper level. Ah! His sister is pregnant with twins and my best friend is pregnant! AH!
Did I mention that?!?! OMFG.
My best friend in the world, is pregnant by her stupid druggy ex boyfriend! D:
The amazing guy she's with now still wants to be with her and help her. What a guy. :) What a sweet heart. Im happy he got her, Im happy Rachel introduced them. She's going to need so much help. She's in college and now pregnant. Oh, God, I hope everything goes okay for her. I am going to see her in a few months, and I hope everything is still going to be okay. Oh my god. Im so scared and happy for her. Squeee!
Im
gonna
be
an
Aunty!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
First day feeling like the hours are sorta right... :) It's 11, but it feels like 9 or 10...but that's way closer than BC time, right? :) I think so.
So it was Brad's first day back to work since I arrived. :) It was really super cute. :) We woke up at what seemed 4 am. D: It was 7.
Okay so that was a while ago, but I will recap. We woke up at 7, holy early! Got all dressed and ready and drove him to work after dropping Connor off at Day care. :) He's cute, Connor I mean. He can say my name now and gives me kisses before he goes to bed. :) It's cute. Anyways! Side tracked! Brandie drove, his sister, and it was pretty weird. The one intersection had more in it than Sidney does in the whole town... and Barrie is supposed to be a small town. :/ Lets put this in perspective. The left side of this intersection has;
Tim hortons, Gas station, Mcdonalds, Chapters/starbucks, pier one, harveys, bank, swiss..whatever. The right side of the intersection is a mall... and this is the "small" side of Barrie.
Ugh. I'm vury happy. :D Allie likes city. Side tracked!
Okay so we went and dropped Brad off at work...but we walked in and he had a big smile on his face and held my hand and kept kissing me. It was so puppy love. ^^ And everyone that worked there, and I am not exaggerating. Everyone. At one point or another came up and introduced themselves with a "you must be allie"
Ive never been in a situation like that! The whole "we've heard so much about you!"
But I did this time. :) He was so happy and when I came in two days ago (after walking an hour to get there..) everyone was peaking about at me and waving. It was cute. Felt like a mini McDonald's celeb. haha! How lame is that?
Yes well. It happened. And it made me happy. The day I walked to see him he took his break right when I got in. :P He asked for it, how cute is that?? Anyways, we went home and proceeded with life.
Im getting along pretty well with his sister and brother in law, which I was very worried about doing. I love cooking and I keep the place clean when they're at work so they like it. :) Brad was upset the other day...he felt bad that I was doing more and that they liked me a lot and everyone was ignoring him. Poor baby. :( I comforted him, I'm good at that. :)
Oh! Brad bought a ...I think it's 32 LCD tv... which caused a big argument between us. I dont care about getting gifts..and thats what everyone seems to think it's about. No. It's not. It's the fact that you didnt think enough to go and do it. The thought. The desire. I want to buy you things, make you things, and make you happy all the time. Everything I see that I want, I think first, would it work for us both? And if it doesnt, I usualy dont get it. But with him it's kinda...him. He buys on impulse on if he wants it, he gets it. I was actually mad at him.
I think this would have to be our second biggest fight. First, led to the 20 min break up. This one, I was 20 seconds away from breaking up with him. I know what I do is because I love him, and he says he loves me but doesnt act the way I do, which makes me wonder if he does or doesnt. I dont know. He is a interesting character. I real project. He's been through so much shit in his day, and that does explain the selfishness at times. I just need to explain to him that it's okay now. Im here and you dont need to keep fighting for yourself, I'm fighting for you also. It's okay.
Just need to find out how to put it to him.
Haha. Now I see why they're "basshunters" haha. My stereo is thumping xD I feel it down in my muscles...awesome!
Continuing on. That night I didnt talk to him. Okay. So.
You understand
about how the tv itself wasn't the issue? K, it kinda was. We're saving for a car...and it's 700$. He spends 500$ on a tv...with his gift cards it was cheaper, but still. 70% of the car money you just spent buddy... but whatever.
When he was setting it up he was talking about how it was his and I mentioned it was ours and if I could use it. He said something about how it was his cus he bought it and yea....yeah. Got me upset. I ...donno. I left and didn't talk to him the rest of the night. And when it was time to sleep I wouldn't let him touch me and I left the room after about 30 min and went down stairs. I kinda wanted him to follow me and ask me what was wrong, but no. He didn't. 2 hours I waited. Curled up on the couch, hurting my knee.
I returned but only because of my knee.
Then I roll over, and you know how if you roll you sorta wake up?
Yeah. I did that and when I was about to fall asleep again he asked me what was wrong. Sneaky bastard. I dont know exactly what I said, but he told me I was really quiet and cute about it. He came home from work that day with some presents from Pier one for me...he knows I love it there. >< Jerk face.
Oh! I got these super awesome scents and stuff from there and mixed and matched oils it smells so good in my room. You have no idea. And! I have a basket now full of candles, oils, and everything else. xD My smells basket. :) I got soy candles..way better than wax! They're so smooth...oooo yeah.. :)
Haha, side tracked with Boten anna.... haha. The Swedish are a great people. :)
Haven't been to Toronto yet. But soon. :D
Wow. I hit the x and closed the page...but it saved it all! YAY!
So happy about that. I have a goal now though. Annoy the neighbors as much as possible! :D Go me! hahaa....yeah. They dared me to, Dave and Brad. While I'm home, crank the stereo and see how long till people say something. :)
Coming to my aid? Basshunters. Huzzah! thump. thump. thump. :) Take that snobby neighbors! I wish I had my candy still. :( It was fun making it with Jori.
Sigh.
Btw, Candy= bracelets.
But you knew that. :)
Oh. And after our little fight, Brad held me hand all night after he got home, and helped me with stuff. And! Held me all night. ^^ Best sleep I ever had, btw.
Our bedroom is totally a mini living room. xD Couch, bed, chair, tv, computer...pretty cool. :) Jealous? Probably not...most people's rooms are like that now...
Mine never was. Computers were never ever allowed in my room. Tv, only in Kendra's so she could pass out faster and sleep longer for school. Instead of 4 or 5 hours without it. Yeah, bad use and stuff...but she cant get a full 8 hours without it.
I really miss Kendra. :(
Little gucky. I wanna buy her something and mail it to her. :D :D What should I get her?
Book?
Coloring book?
Stickers?
Opinions!
da ta da ta da ta...! ^^ When she says hi to me butterflies go right through me.
Just found a song called raindrops... so far it's pretty good. :)
Makes me want to sway. Now dance. :)
I like dancing. I miss dancing. Stupid knee.
K well. I dont know what else to say. Havent found a new place but we might all be moving into one. A house with a basement suite. Brad and I would get the bottom, Dave, Brandie, Connor, and soon twins will have the upper level. Ah! His sister is pregnant with twins and my best friend is pregnant! AH!
Did I mention that?!?! OMFG.
My best friend in the world, is pregnant by her stupid druggy ex boyfriend! D:
The amazing guy she's with now still wants to be with her and help her. What a guy. :) What a sweet heart. Im happy he got her, Im happy Rachel introduced them. She's going to need so much help. She's in college and now pregnant. Oh, God, I hope everything goes okay for her. I am going to see her in a few months, and I hope everything is still going to be okay. Oh my god. Im so scared and happy for her. Squeee!
Im
gonna
be
an
Aunty!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Monday, January 11, 2010
delution and denial
Ba dum da dum! :) One more full day left in British Columbia. Crazy...
X-Sort my clothes.
X-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
X-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
X-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
X-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
X-Give away clothes.
That's what Ive gotten of my list. :) Just packing left. Ahhhh I'm so nervous to see him again! I am going to miss everyone so much... like crazy.
I feel bad...I've kind of deceived everyone. When they say that they will miss me, I tell them I will be back. That the only reason Im going to Ontario is to convince Bradley to return. Alas, that is not my reason at all. I want to get out of Sidney. I want to go to him, I want to start a life with him. Fresh, clean, perfect. Get an apartment, live cheaper, build more friendships, build a life. I am so excited to get a place with him and buy all the things for my house to make it perfect.
Be able to paint again.
Be able to have my own room for hobbies, and he has his.
To be able to snuggle up with him at night. After everything has gone in the day, I get to go home. Put the key into the lock of my door, and open it. I am so excited to open the door to that perfect homey smell, walk in and have dinner with my love. Curl up on the couch with him, and crawl into bed next to him.
:) That is my goal. That is my dream.
I am sorry for those I lied to about it, and coming back. But, I dont think I will be coming back. I will visit, for those I love, but I am not moving back. I doubt it. It's weird to think about, but that's most likely how it is going down.
I cant wait to spice up my life. :) :)
Im excited to see the other half of the world. :p I feel like my grandma. How she moved across the country to be with the man she loved. Woot!
I miss them.
My Grandparents. :/ I really hope that Brad and I can make it back to see them before they pass on. I really want them to know him. I really want him to know them. I want him to know my brother and my dad also.
Just because my mom doesn't like him, doesn't mean he's not worth liking. My sister adores him, and kids can always tell a persons personality first.
He wants so much for my mother to like him, and to accept him. Ive never seen him so worried about being liked. It's cute, but I feel so bad. :( He feels ...
he feels so horrible. Like because my family doesnt like him, he's not a good person.
He tried so hard to get them to like him. It was also cute. He wanted to cook them food, and tidy the house, and just make the best impression he could. It makes me happy inside he cared so much.
It meant he cared because they are my family. For example, when the fiance meets the family and has to be approved before he is acceptable to be married off to their daughter. It felt like that.
He seems like the kind that would ask my dad for my hand before he asked me.
:) I feel like I am worth loving when he does those sorts of things for me.
I am so excited to get on that plane. I know I'm going to cry Wednesday, but I cant wait. I am not excited to leave Kendra, but I have to. Well, I dont have to but want to. I need to. I am excited to straighten my hair and doll up to see him again. :)
I noticed that since he isn't here anymore, I really dont care what I look like. xD I dont ever put on make up, or any kind. Not even eye.
I also never do my hair, I just put it up. I dont worry about anything, I just go out and do what I need to do. But I am very happy to be able to dress up and do my hair and such for him. Dude,
I
am
such
a
fucking
girl.
Dinner tonight.
Tynan is coming over. :) Pretty stoked. We're gonna watch movies tomorrow, that will be fun. :) :)
X-Sort my clothes.
X-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
X-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
X-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
X-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
X-Give away clothes.
That's what Ive gotten of my list. :) Just packing left. Ahhhh I'm so nervous to see him again! I am going to miss everyone so much... like crazy.
I feel bad...I've kind of deceived everyone. When they say that they will miss me, I tell them I will be back. That the only reason Im going to Ontario is to convince Bradley to return. Alas, that is not my reason at all. I want to get out of Sidney. I want to go to him, I want to start a life with him. Fresh, clean, perfect. Get an apartment, live cheaper, build more friendships, build a life. I am so excited to get a place with him and buy all the things for my house to make it perfect.
Be able to paint again.
Be able to have my own room for hobbies, and he has his.
To be able to snuggle up with him at night. After everything has gone in the day, I get to go home. Put the key into the lock of my door, and open it. I am so excited to open the door to that perfect homey smell, walk in and have dinner with my love. Curl up on the couch with him, and crawl into bed next to him.
:) That is my goal. That is my dream.
I am sorry for those I lied to about it, and coming back. But, I dont think I will be coming back. I will visit, for those I love, but I am not moving back. I doubt it. It's weird to think about, but that's most likely how it is going down.
I cant wait to spice up my life. :) :)
Im excited to see the other half of the world. :p I feel like my grandma. How she moved across the country to be with the man she loved. Woot!
I miss them.
My Grandparents. :/ I really hope that Brad and I can make it back to see them before they pass on. I really want them to know him. I really want him to know them. I want him to know my brother and my dad also.
Just because my mom doesn't like him, doesn't mean he's not worth liking. My sister adores him, and kids can always tell a persons personality first.
He wants so much for my mother to like him, and to accept him. Ive never seen him so worried about being liked. It's cute, but I feel so bad. :( He feels ...
he feels so horrible. Like because my family doesnt like him, he's not a good person.
He tried so hard to get them to like him. It was also cute. He wanted to cook them food, and tidy the house, and just make the best impression he could. It makes me happy inside he cared so much.
It meant he cared because they are my family. For example, when the fiance meets the family and has to be approved before he is acceptable to be married off to their daughter. It felt like that.
He seems like the kind that would ask my dad for my hand before he asked me.
:) I feel like I am worth loving when he does those sorts of things for me.
I am so excited to get on that plane. I know I'm going to cry Wednesday, but I cant wait. I am not excited to leave Kendra, but I have to. Well, I dont have to but want to. I need to. I am excited to straighten my hair and doll up to see him again. :)
I noticed that since he isn't here anymore, I really dont care what I look like. xD I dont ever put on make up, or any kind. Not even eye.
I also never do my hair, I just put it up. I dont worry about anything, I just go out and do what I need to do. But I am very happy to be able to dress up and do my hair and such for him. Dude,
I
am
such
a
fucking
girl.
Dinner tonight.
Tynan is coming over. :) Pretty stoked. We're gonna watch movies tomorrow, that will be fun. :) :)
Friday, January 8, 2010
Plenty of time.
Out of the following I have done:
X-Sort my clothes.
X-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
X-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
-Give away clothes.
I'll update about today's amazing adventure soon. My knee is throbbing though, must rest it. :)
xoxo
X-Sort my clothes.
X-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
X-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
-Give away clothes.
I'll update about today's amazing adventure soon. My knee is throbbing though, must rest it. :)
xoxo
Thursday, January 7, 2010
no reasons.
So. :( My knee really hurts. It's like the bone hurting though... it's weird.
I wish the little holes would just come together and close up.. ugh.
ugh.
I wish the little holes would just come together and close up.. ugh.
ugh.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
healed cowboy boots.
C:
Finally got my car insurance canceled. :)
Got my bank account fixed.
Switched my car into my moms name.
Got an appointment to see the surgeon in Ontario.
Feb 3rd. :)
Pretty excited.
Now I just need to do the following:
-Sort my clothes.
-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
-Give away clothes.
Let's see if I can do it. :) Things 3 and 1 I hope to do today. :) Can I do it??
Ugh. It's so weird. I'm actually moving.... how weird is that? All the way to Ontario. :S
So far. Far. Far. Far away. :/
Finally got my car insurance canceled. :)
Got my bank account fixed.
Switched my car into my moms name.
Got an appointment to see the surgeon in Ontario.
Feb 3rd. :)
Pretty excited.
Now I just need to do the following:
-Sort my clothes.
-Figure what I want to take with that's not clothes.
-Sort through the boxes in Bethany's room of my things.
-Saturday dinner.
-Pack...obviously.
-Wrap Kendra's dress.
-Pack up desk.
-Pack up bathroom.
-Pack up extras in the bedroom.
-Give away clothes.
Let's see if I can do it. :) Things 3 and 1 I hope to do today. :) Can I do it??
Ugh. It's so weird. I'm actually moving.... how weird is that? All the way to Ontario. :S
So far. Far. Far. Far away. :/
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
BOTT!
Hey there. :) Friend. Or should I say fiend?
Muahhahaha! Well. I'm eating soup now...I like making soup now. I kinda take the can and add different things to it. :) This time I only added noodles, prolly could have added some turkey. Mmm...that would have been good.
So I quit McDonald's, finally.
Im very glad and have way less stress and annoyance on my shoulders now. :) No more stupid Nicole. No more bitchy customers I have to be polite with. Fucking losers. You're paying 5$ for a burger...be happy. Seriously, It's not a ***** place...get over it. So annoying.
Letting my soup simmer. :) Pretty nice. Let the juices soak into the noodles...mmmmm :) Yum.
So. Haha! I wrote on facebook the other day;
FU NH.
Clearly meaning, fuck you Nicole hart. xD
She messages me being like, what did I do to you? Whining about it, and I just brushed it off and said it was an ex friend. lol, she bought it. I honestly couldn't care less though, not like I'm going in there again. I kinda feel like Rosie when she quit and was afraid of Steve. :p Steve is such a baby. Really. :) Not in a bad way, in a softy kinda way. Once you're friends with him, he'd do anything for you. I think it's cool. :) Andrew told me once he could see him and me dating; Steve not Andrew. I don't see it. Brad's my only guy. :) :)
Forevers.
He called me his wife two days ago. :p Usually he'll say "wifey" but it's like a nickname. For him to actually say that to me, it's different. It's...sincere. It makes me very happy, makes me glow. :)
Glow like a newly married princess.
Yes! I'm a princess! Where I am actually number one...not two. : ) Pretty stoked.
So. Had my knee surgery. But, it didn't get fixed. Which, now, pisses me off. It's been three years. Finally get in. And all he does is scope around. WTF?! Actually? It was originally the meniscus that was torn. Because of this ridiculous wait, it is now effected my ACL. The main ligament that helps your knee work....I'm fucked. Who's fault is that? Fucking surgeon's. Pretty awesome right? Yeah. Now I'm moving, and need to get a surgeon over there to get on this. Not so fucking elective now is it?? Nah. Now it involves my actually knee staying together, because you thought there would be time to fiddle. Nope. Guess not.
My knee is breaking down in front of you, and it's your own fault. I could sue you, but I wont. I just want my knee fixed. Ass. I'm 20, and crippled. Actually. I am 20, and my knee is falling apart. No ACL working, and a torn Meniscus. Awesome. Who do you actually know who has a damaged ACL..and still does things normally? Didn't think so.
Im fucked, and it's your fault.
When I went in, he saw me. But he just rambled through things he was going to do. I felt so overwhelmed. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I wanted to ask him. He didn't let me and just signed my leg and walked off. I wanted him to do whatever he could to fix it, I didn't care what it involved. I just wanted it done. I was so stoked it would be finished, finally. So I go into the surgery room...it was so surreal. I'm listening to this song "Everything goes" and I swear; if there was a song to play during this whole ordeal, that would be it. Like if that time in my life was a video, this would be the song. So unreal. The lights, the tv screens, the charts. It was weird. I felt like I was in an episode of house. :p Then they tied my hands to the bed...put the heart rate thing on me...had my IV in...the mask over my face. They were all talking so sweetly to me...like a humming. Sweet humming voices.
Put the mask on my face and told me to breath.
It wasn't easy. Breathing in was easy...but pushing the air out made me feel sufficated. I wanted to push the mask off, it was weird. I said it was kind of hard to breath, and they just kept it on. It seemed as they chanted for me to breath more. It was ... odd.
The sweet humming voices continued as I closed my eyes. I don't remember actually closing my eyes. I dont remember them telling me to count backwards. I just remember the sufficating mask, and waking up. I shot up when it wore off and asked when the doctor was coming back in. Apparently, it had already finished. Awesome. It was finished! My knee was fixed! Then, I found out what really happened. :/ Lame ass.
So I can almost walk on my leg again. Don''t want to push it however. Just let it go. My wounds aren't even healed, I'm sure I shouldn't walk yet. Oh!
Ew.
Dude.
I was in my room, rewrapping the tenser bandage around my knee, and cleaning off my leg with a rag. Bethany was watching me, apparently she was in awe of my knee. She told me I should take the tape off. I really didnt want to because my knee was still bleeding into my bandage. I thought for a little bit, then decided to see how easily it would come off. If it started to hurt, or there was hair, I would stop.
It was coming off very easy. So I kept going. :) Nice! I could be healed! Nope.
Removed the tape just enough to see it. The cut. :S
I could see it, fully opened. Bloody. Not even close to being closed. I could see down into my knee. :S Freaked me out and I covered it up fast! I don't know why I was so scared, instead of intrueged.
It just...was so weird.
Went through this experience with whispers and humming, and now I have holes to the inside of my leg.
Bethany wanted to look, but I wouldn't remove that tape again. Id like my leg to heal. Not be open and weak to the air and the world around.
I did use the sponge to clean myself so it would be faster to heal, but I don't know. Makes me uneasy.
I kinda like how it takes me a few days to update my blog, and then my blogs just end up being hours long.
I am listening to some new weird and trippy music. :) I like it.
Some techno, some rave, some easy going, and some fucked up shit. :p
I really like feeling the music fill my ears and poor out down my neck and then wrap me up in its arms. Its a nice feeling to be held and rocked to sleep by music. I have started to view everything in my life differently since the trip.
My emotions have changed. My opinions on life has changed. Everything has changed. Except for say, my love of people. Maybe not, I love those whom I love more now. Like the love I had for them has been pumped full of cologine. It's cool. I feel pumped up and so inwarmed when I see these people now. :) It's a nice feeling.
I get t3s! LOL! But Im not going to use them, I'll give them to my mom. She needs them more for her pain than I do. t1's will do fine for me. :)
I cant believe that on the 13th I am leaving. Im moving out. For real.
With you. :) My baby boy.
My love.
I am so excited. Im also scared. Seeing as I will be having surgery over there...and wont recover for 3 months. Three months, how insane is that??
Now you're gone! I realize my love for you was strong... haha
:) That makes me super happy. :)
Sometimes I will walk around...and wish I was tripping again. xD I would love so much to be on that and go to work. See how they'd like me then. :) Fuck yeah. I'd be loved by everyone...like actually.
Super cool.
Brad said when I get there we can try that kinda stuff, but only when he is there with me.
He cried on the phone when he found out I did it the first time. So angry. It was because he wasnt there to help me. I was alone 6 hours...and I could have died. It freaked the shit out of him that I was that close to dying without him even there to help. Poor guy. :( I feel real bad for putting my baby through that.
Holy fuck. I cant wait to see him. 7 more times of sleeping. Then I get to wake up to a plane to see him. OMFG. My heart is racing.
Im so scared.
Im so excited.
I cant wait.
I wish it was a longer wait.
:s Im so torn.
Kendra. My little girly. She cried when I told her I was moving. :( She cries when I am not in the same room as her now. I love that little girl. :) She's perfect. Other than her tantrums, but I could fix those. I think I will give her the dress I got her for Christmas on the day before I leave, to remember me. :) I love her. :)
I miss him though. More than anything. God. To feel his arms around me and hold me when I am crying, it makes everything go away. Everything. I just close my eyes and we drift away.
I really hate when you go to a dollar store, and they have things for 17 dollars. Fucking get a kids hopes up. :/
Hon rojur upp I varan kanal. :) Swedish now you're gone. :p
Soak that in. :) Drink it up. :) Och han kan banna, banna dig sa hart. :)
Muahhahaha! Well. I'm eating soup now...I like making soup now. I kinda take the can and add different things to it. :) This time I only added noodles, prolly could have added some turkey. Mmm...that would have been good.
So I quit McDonald's, finally.
Im very glad and have way less stress and annoyance on my shoulders now. :) No more stupid Nicole. No more bitchy customers I have to be polite with. Fucking losers. You're paying 5$ for a burger...be happy. Seriously, It's not a ***** place...get over it. So annoying.
Letting my soup simmer. :) Pretty nice. Let the juices soak into the noodles...mmmmm :) Yum.
So. Haha! I wrote on facebook the other day;
FU NH.
Clearly meaning, fuck you Nicole hart. xD
She messages me being like, what did I do to you? Whining about it, and I just brushed it off and said it was an ex friend. lol, she bought it. I honestly couldn't care less though, not like I'm going in there again. I kinda feel like Rosie when she quit and was afraid of Steve. :p Steve is such a baby. Really. :) Not in a bad way, in a softy kinda way. Once you're friends with him, he'd do anything for you. I think it's cool. :) Andrew told me once he could see him and me dating; Steve not Andrew. I don't see it. Brad's my only guy. :) :)
Forevers.
He called me his wife two days ago. :p Usually he'll say "wifey" but it's like a nickname. For him to actually say that to me, it's different. It's...sincere. It makes me very happy, makes me glow. :)
Glow like a newly married princess.
Yes! I'm a princess! Where I am actually number one...not two. : ) Pretty stoked.
So. Had my knee surgery. But, it didn't get fixed. Which, now, pisses me off. It's been three years. Finally get in. And all he does is scope around. WTF?! Actually? It was originally the meniscus that was torn. Because of this ridiculous wait, it is now effected my ACL. The main ligament that helps your knee work....I'm fucked. Who's fault is that? Fucking surgeon's. Pretty awesome right? Yeah. Now I'm moving, and need to get a surgeon over there to get on this. Not so fucking elective now is it?? Nah. Now it involves my actually knee staying together, because you thought there would be time to fiddle. Nope. Guess not.
My knee is breaking down in front of you, and it's your own fault. I could sue you, but I wont. I just want my knee fixed. Ass. I'm 20, and crippled. Actually. I am 20, and my knee is falling apart. No ACL working, and a torn Meniscus. Awesome. Who do you actually know who has a damaged ACL..and still does things normally? Didn't think so.
Im fucked, and it's your fault.
When I went in, he saw me. But he just rambled through things he was going to do. I felt so overwhelmed. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I wanted to ask him. He didn't let me and just signed my leg and walked off. I wanted him to do whatever he could to fix it, I didn't care what it involved. I just wanted it done. I was so stoked it would be finished, finally. So I go into the surgery room...it was so surreal. I'm listening to this song "Everything goes" and I swear; if there was a song to play during this whole ordeal, that would be it. Like if that time in my life was a video, this would be the song. So unreal. The lights, the tv screens, the charts. It was weird. I felt like I was in an episode of house. :p Then they tied my hands to the bed...put the heart rate thing on me...had my IV in...the mask over my face. They were all talking so sweetly to me...like a humming. Sweet humming voices.
Put the mask on my face and told me to breath.
It wasn't easy. Breathing in was easy...but pushing the air out made me feel sufficated. I wanted to push the mask off, it was weird. I said it was kind of hard to breath, and they just kept it on. It seemed as they chanted for me to breath more. It was ... odd.
The sweet humming voices continued as I closed my eyes. I don't remember actually closing my eyes. I dont remember them telling me to count backwards. I just remember the sufficating mask, and waking up. I shot up when it wore off and asked when the doctor was coming back in. Apparently, it had already finished. Awesome. It was finished! My knee was fixed! Then, I found out what really happened. :/ Lame ass.
So I can almost walk on my leg again. Don''t want to push it however. Just let it go. My wounds aren't even healed, I'm sure I shouldn't walk yet. Oh!
Ew.
Dude.
I was in my room, rewrapping the tenser bandage around my knee, and cleaning off my leg with a rag. Bethany was watching me, apparently she was in awe of my knee. She told me I should take the tape off. I really didnt want to because my knee was still bleeding into my bandage. I thought for a little bit, then decided to see how easily it would come off. If it started to hurt, or there was hair, I would stop.
It was coming off very easy. So I kept going. :) Nice! I could be healed! Nope.
Removed the tape just enough to see it. The cut. :S
I could see it, fully opened. Bloody. Not even close to being closed. I could see down into my knee. :S Freaked me out and I covered it up fast! I don't know why I was so scared, instead of intrueged.
It just...was so weird.
Went through this experience with whispers and humming, and now I have holes to the inside of my leg.
Bethany wanted to look, but I wouldn't remove that tape again. Id like my leg to heal. Not be open and weak to the air and the world around.
I did use the sponge to clean myself so it would be faster to heal, but I don't know. Makes me uneasy.
I kinda like how it takes me a few days to update my blog, and then my blogs just end up being hours long.
I am listening to some new weird and trippy music. :) I like it.
Some techno, some rave, some easy going, and some fucked up shit. :p
I really like feeling the music fill my ears and poor out down my neck and then wrap me up in its arms. Its a nice feeling to be held and rocked to sleep by music. I have started to view everything in my life differently since the trip.
My emotions have changed. My opinions on life has changed. Everything has changed. Except for say, my love of people. Maybe not, I love those whom I love more now. Like the love I had for them has been pumped full of cologine. It's cool. I feel pumped up and so inwarmed when I see these people now. :) It's a nice feeling.
I get t3s! LOL! But Im not going to use them, I'll give them to my mom. She needs them more for her pain than I do. t1's will do fine for me. :)
I cant believe that on the 13th I am leaving. Im moving out. For real.
With you. :) My baby boy.
My love.
I am so excited. Im also scared. Seeing as I will be having surgery over there...and wont recover for 3 months. Three months, how insane is that??
Now you're gone! I realize my love for you was strong... haha
:) That makes me super happy. :)
Sometimes I will walk around...and wish I was tripping again. xD I would love so much to be on that and go to work. See how they'd like me then. :) Fuck yeah. I'd be loved by everyone...like actually.
Super cool.
Brad said when I get there we can try that kinda stuff, but only when he is there with me.
He cried on the phone when he found out I did it the first time. So angry. It was because he wasnt there to help me. I was alone 6 hours...and I could have died. It freaked the shit out of him that I was that close to dying without him even there to help. Poor guy. :( I feel real bad for putting my baby through that.
Holy fuck. I cant wait to see him. 7 more times of sleeping. Then I get to wake up to a plane to see him. OMFG. My heart is racing.
Im so scared.
Im so excited.
I cant wait.
I wish it was a longer wait.
:s Im so torn.
Kendra. My little girly. She cried when I told her I was moving. :( She cries when I am not in the same room as her now. I love that little girl. :) She's perfect. Other than her tantrums, but I could fix those. I think I will give her the dress I got her for Christmas on the day before I leave, to remember me. :) I love her. :)
I miss him though. More than anything. God. To feel his arms around me and hold me when I am crying, it makes everything go away. Everything. I just close my eyes and we drift away.
I really hate when you go to a dollar store, and they have things for 17 dollars. Fucking get a kids hopes up. :/
Hon rojur upp I varan kanal. :) Swedish now you're gone. :p
Soak that in. :) Drink it up. :) Och han kan banna, banna dig sa hart. :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
D:
Fucking gay.
No solid foods, and all I want is a fucking sausage egg mcmuffin or some egg! D: Not to mention the fuckin coffee I want.
Im so bad with times to wake up.
Fuckin trey gay.
No solid foods, and all I want is a fucking sausage egg mcmuffin or some egg! D: Not to mention the fuckin coffee I want.
Im so bad with times to wake up.
Fuckin trey gay.
Wudduuppp
So. Surgery tomorrow. Stoked. :)
Also. Um. Im moving.
Yes.
To Ontario. :) Barrie. On the 13th of January. Pretty damn fucking excited! I get to be with my baby soon...it's been too long. I can not wait to feel his arms wrap around me and his lips touch mine. God. It's like a dream. :) I really cant wait. I love him to pieces. <3
Surgery! Off to bed I go. No more solid foods for me. :p Just liquids! Uh oohhh! :P WISH ME LUCK! <3 Three years in the waiting. :)
Also. Um. Im moving.
Yes.
To Ontario. :) Barrie. On the 13th of January. Pretty damn fucking excited! I get to be with my baby soon...it's been too long. I can not wait to feel his arms wrap around me and his lips touch mine. God. It's like a dream. :) I really cant wait. I love him to pieces. <3
Surgery! Off to bed I go. No more solid foods for me. :p Just liquids! Uh oohhh! :P WISH ME LUCK! <3 Three years in the waiting. :)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Irritated.
So. I'm fucking sick of you. Call me fucking lazy? Hypocrite. Don't think I dont hear you complaining about me. Screw off.
Seriously. I have been working, and what have you been doing? Nothing. Thank you very much, but screw you. I didn't do those dishes why? Because I had to be working! I was pissed off because the last time this happened, I had been working 5 days in a row. 8 hours. And I came home to do the fucking chores, because none of you could. So I'm so upset, I didn't do it this time. You can do it yourself. So, I'm annoyed. Then what do I get? You accusing me of stealing your stuff, throwing your stuff away, and being too lazy to pick up a fucking piece of soap. I DIDN'T FUCKING USE IT! Ugh. I'm really annoyed. I know I only have a few days, but fuck. I can not take this if I dont have more weed. I'm not an addict, but holy fuck. This is really ...just ridiculous. I want to punch you in the face, so much.
K so. New years. Yippy. I dont give a fuck. It's just another day. Negative, probably. I dont care. I'm alone. He's not here. My friends are kinda....peacing on me. My family are being dicks. Im just, too irritated to be deep and think. I just want him back. I want him to come the fuck home so we can get a place here. This keeps happening. I miss him, and then I get angry. I get angry at him for leaving me. Leaving me here to feel all this pain. Today, I felt the pain and got very upset and depressed. Texts to him are as follows:
"Why the fuck am I always second? Why the fuck do I try so hard and get hurt? Why the fuck do I get left behind, why am I such a fucking nucience? What the fuck did I do wrong in my life to get treated like this? Fuck 2010. Fuck BC. Fuck Canada. Im just a tag along, fuck up, waste of time and space. "
His reply was a few things, but do you love me was a question in it.
"You had to make sure I loved you?? Why is it you who always asks that? Im the one who makes an effort to talk to you, youre the one that doesnt want to talk to me because youre watching tv, with your brother in law, or Connor. I get upset and youre asking me if I love you?? Really??"
Yeah. I blew up on him today. Friends ditch me or just fucking forget about me. My work thinks I am not work their money or time. My boss, the owner, said that. My family always wants me gone, and now my boyfriend never wants to talk to me. Ugh. I have had the worst week. Him and I keep getting into fights because he DOESNT GET IT! D: How can you really not get it? I dont understand. It frustrates me so much...I cant even spell!
I dont even know what to say further. I ...I just fucking want him back! Is that so hard? I know it's Feb 10th...but uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! D:
CRY! :( Cry, cry, cry cry. D:
Seriously. I have been working, and what have you been doing? Nothing. Thank you very much, but screw you. I didn't do those dishes why? Because I had to be working! I was pissed off because the last time this happened, I had been working 5 days in a row. 8 hours. And I came home to do the fucking chores, because none of you could. So I'm so upset, I didn't do it this time. You can do it yourself. So, I'm annoyed. Then what do I get? You accusing me of stealing your stuff, throwing your stuff away, and being too lazy to pick up a fucking piece of soap. I DIDN'T FUCKING USE IT! Ugh. I'm really annoyed. I know I only have a few days, but fuck. I can not take this if I dont have more weed. I'm not an addict, but holy fuck. This is really ...just ridiculous. I want to punch you in the face, so much.
K so. New years. Yippy. I dont give a fuck. It's just another day. Negative, probably. I dont care. I'm alone. He's not here. My friends are kinda....peacing on me. My family are being dicks. Im just, too irritated to be deep and think. I just want him back. I want him to come the fuck home so we can get a place here. This keeps happening. I miss him, and then I get angry. I get angry at him for leaving me. Leaving me here to feel all this pain. Today, I felt the pain and got very upset and depressed. Texts to him are as follows:
"Why the fuck am I always second? Why the fuck do I try so hard and get hurt? Why the fuck do I get left behind, why am I such a fucking nucience? What the fuck did I do wrong in my life to get treated like this? Fuck 2010. Fuck BC. Fuck Canada. Im just a tag along, fuck up, waste of time and space. "
His reply was a few things, but do you love me was a question in it.
"You had to make sure I loved you?? Why is it you who always asks that? Im the one who makes an effort to talk to you, youre the one that doesnt want to talk to me because youre watching tv, with your brother in law, or Connor. I get upset and youre asking me if I love you?? Really??"
Yeah. I blew up on him today. Friends ditch me or just fucking forget about me. My work thinks I am not work their money or time. My boss, the owner, said that. My family always wants me gone, and now my boyfriend never wants to talk to me. Ugh. I have had the worst week. Him and I keep getting into fights because he DOESNT GET IT! D: How can you really not get it? I dont understand. It frustrates me so much...I cant even spell!
I dont even know what to say further. I ...I just fucking want him back! Is that so hard? I know it's Feb 10th...but uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! D:
CRY! :( Cry, cry, cry cry. D:
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