The stars lean down to kiss you, And I lay awake and miss you.

Tonight, I will fall asleep. I will keep those eyes of mine shut until Christmas morning, or until any morning. I have gotten past the waking up suddenly to see if you have arrived. I have gotten past thinking you will walk in the door. Gotten past the idea that you would happen to pop around the corner and jump to hug me. I have just taken longer than I thought I would need to. I am real big on denial, but I am over it I think. I know when I am at work, or with friends I feel miserable. I know I wont be able to go home after having a great day, and be held by you. I do, however, miss you less when I lay in bed thinking about you. It's like you're actually with me, even if you're not. I've gotten used to it, but it doesn't mean I accept it. I still crave your touch, and your smile. But I am used to it now. I feel single again, which scares me. You have been gone, only 2 months, but it feels like forever. I notice myself doing what most call flirting with my male friends. They all know I mean nothing by it, but I feel terrible. I feel like I am betraying you. Am I? Does the simple act of me being myself around other males, instead of closed and clearly taken, betraying?
I realize I need to have one standard, and not two. If you were flirtatious with your female friends while I was thousands of miles away from you, I would feel sick. How can I think it's okay if I do it? I am confused. I know you would never do anything, try anything, or pursue anything, but it still worries me. I know I never would do anything to hurt you, but I wonder if you worry. Ha. Sometimes, babe, I even think that you're using one word texts to me because you are with someone else. Someone interesting and someone you would consider being with. Someone you want to focus on, and not me. I know. It's pretty ridiculous, but I feel it. I've told you, and, clearly, it's wrong. I still worry.
I mean.
You left her for me. You wanted to still, you know, be with her. When you returned. Instead, you found me. This is different, but I worry. Black man said he thought we'd be together for a long time. That you and I, babe, are meant to be. We teach each other, which is a huge thing. :) I remember J telling me how each guy attracted her. Even if they were assholes, the reason was because they taught her things. She learned, she grew. You teach me things, and I you. We are molding the other, and being shaped ourselves. I like it. I like learning about my feelings, and how to deal. I like how you are learning to express and control. I like just having you.
It's odd how most all of these darn blogs are about you.
Wow.
Myself going crazy again. :)
Typing like I am talking to you. Ha.
Crazy.

Yes. Indeed.

I guess it makes me less lonely. ;)
It's like I am writing, and you are reading. Well, obviously. Someone is ready, but it isn't you. Babe. I adore you.
I am sorry you had a boring Christmas eve. I wish I was there to help you. Even so, we could be bored together. Just lay there listening to Christmas music, laying wrapped in each other. :) I would have
liked
that. A lot.
I think I am now trying to be creative with how I'm typing. It's kind of funny. I thought about it, and I told you, but I want 3 bedrooms. One for us. One for you to gtf away from me and do your shit. One for me to gtf away from you and do what I want. I want to paint. Maybe a dark room. :) I want to get really into photography and painting again. I miss it. I want a camera. I want film...I want a lot dont I? Am I being selfish? I hope not. One is good, but three is ideal. :) As long as I am with you, I will be happy.

I was in second slice today with Becca. And my favorite song recently came on. She doesn't like it. :) I felt strong though. Most people would be like yeah, it's lame. Agree with her.
I didn't. I said I liked it, a lot. It is a good song, not stupid. So whatever. :) She said she was surprised I didn't agree, because most people just naturally do. Which got me thinking.
Most people do things and act certain ways, to be like. To be accepted. Then, I wondered. Do I do things just to be accepted? I didn't think so. But it made me wonder. A lot of people like me, just naturally. I dont try, but they do. A friend of mine once told me that I was the only person she was ever jealous of, if even only a tiny bit.
Because I didn't have to try, people just liked me. I just was and they liked me. Weird.
Are there a lot of people out there like that? That just are, and are adored for it? I assume there are, but I dont want to be an ass.
:)
I think my parents did a good job. Least, what they did do. Most of me was made just from me. Me or my grandparents. Im sure the beginning of who I am was made from my parents... I miss them. I miss that.
I miss what it was like. As a child. Thinking back, to what I can actually remember, it was always about them or my sister/brother. They never really shared with me. Hmm. Must be why I have issues.
Ha. Yeah. That's right, I am blaming! Ooo! :) Not really. I love them. They're cool.
This is kinda fucking long.
She wants to touch me.
Yeah, I said it. :) I'd dance to it too. Whacha gonna do?
But seriously, this is long. Maybe it's me talking to myself again. Getting all those feelings out.
Why do we keep our feelings inside so much? Society I guess. It's kind of ridiculous how if society doesn't think that you fit, then you're a freak. Donno how that works out, but whatever.
Makes me think of my brother, step dad, and my friend. They're kinda...not normal I guess. And my dad. But, not many people like them. I dont get why. They're most of the time pretty cool. They really dont try to impress people, they just are. Why dont people like them? They're cool... They're nice. :( I always feel so horrible that people dont like them. I dont understand. Theyre a little weird and have a different sense of humor, but they're still cool when you get to know them. They just want to be accepted like everyone else...why be hating?
It's twelve. Kendra should be asleep now. Gonna get my Santa presents and put them out then bed time.
Thanks for your time.
xoxo
Babe, I love you. Wish you were here. Sucks I have to wait till February to have Christmas with you. :/ Oh well. Least I actually get it. :)

Bye others who happen to read this...yeah. Im bored.
Bye!

Ratata tata

Hello Bradley Weatherall. :) I miss you, pretty much like crazy. :)
So...I am sorry I got snappy at you...but all day the only thing that really kept me trucking was knowing I could talk to you at the end of it. That you'd make it all go away and I would feel better. So, when I got off work, and you couldn't talk to me..that was another day the stress would just sit atop my shoulders. I went through a crap load today, I even cried. I was getting so stressed out. Let me start from the beginning.

I woke up to my alarm at 7, but was so exhausted from house work and normal work yesterday, I didn't stay away. Im very glad that I put in my phone reminders of the times I work. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have woke up. So, BEEP! That woke me up. I freaked out. Threw my uniform on, but my mom wouldn't drive me so I had to walk to work. Almost there, Nicole calls me. I'm on my fucking way. Now, that was the first trigger that warned me today would be a bad day.

Once I got to work, Nicole gave subtle bitches at me for being late. Yesterday, I had to leave for the pre. op. and because of that; or as she put it "because of ME" they were behind AAAAALLL day. She is a dramatic bitch, and I hate it. She leaves for things all the time, but it's okay. Consider that my smoke break for the last year, bitch.
So I got there, she made me get into running and presenting, 3 orders deep. Because she didnt want to. So I'm kinda stressing, because for the entire year I worked there I was never super strong at breakfast. So, after being gone for three months, I get thrown into breakfast. Bam. I dont know what Im doing, Im forgetting to park, but at least I was keeping up on making coffee. I kept getting lined. Every two seconds I would get rude remarks from Keira or Nicole. Orders were being made slowly, even though John and another strong body were in the back. I was very irritated. So, Im getting bitched at, youre doing this wrong, stop doing that, keep up, blah blah fucking blah. I am trying to help window, because it's fucking Dylan. Im trying to keep up on drive thru. Im almost cracking. Mel comes in, and fucks up one of my orders, so I'm so lost. Handing out the wrong orders and getting so messed up. Then. Nicole blames me. I flipped. I ran off the floor almost yelled fuck you Nicole, do it yourself. I was crying, almost yelling in the back. Trying to vent it all out so that I can go back and work again. I did, after almost hitting the wall. And went back. Filled the orders, and started "fresh".

It was going okay for a little. Then Nicole was like, "im going to just put you on prep." As in, you're not worth this, make salads. Pissed me off. She's treating me so bad. She was always like, I wanna push you forward! Now, she doesn't even treat me like a manager. She treats me like a new employee and I just want to hit her. She doesn't involve me in anything, and acts like Im stupid. Im getting tired of it. THEN! She pulled me in the office to write me up for being late. I guess it's okay, because Doug got suspended for being late. She was like "i respect you as a person, think you have so much potential, yada yada, but as for training. its not important anymore, I need to protect the restaurant in two months. Since you're leaving, it doesn't matter. "
So. Because she's stupid, and forgets to train me in the FIRST place....now she just wont even attempt to because Im..."leaving them". Fucking whore! Selfish fucking company people.
So. I'm written up. Whatever, I dont give a fuck. Then things are going okay, but I get put in back. With Chloe. I love her to bits, but she doesnt know what shes doing. She is initiating, and im finishing. And I get yelled at because she doesnt know what burger she is on. I wanted to pull my hair out. We got loaded with orders and went super slow because she forgot which she did and which was next. Nicole bitched at me, like I was a moron. So we switched and yada yada. Then I was on window. Pretty much running all the orders at once because Dylan is slow as fuck, and doesnt know what to do. Im stocking, Im packing, im pouring. Im exhausted, and I asked for a break. But, since I was late (by 20 minutes, if that, i might add) all of the breaks are behind, and I have to wait. My knee is killing me, but I have to wait. So, like a trooper, I stick it out.
It's almost 3, which I can normally make it to without a break, and I'm dying. My knee is actually throbbing and my feet swelled a little. Yeah, poor me. I'm not complaining that it was so painful, woe-is-me, I'm just saying I'm trying to get used to this but I was in pain and she didnt care. I need surgery, and when it hurts it needs a fucking rest. But, no. So I finally get my break, and my feet are like....to that point where even rubbing my head softly against the floor I would get the sensation it was being massaged up to my knee. Soar.
On and off, she keeps going back to the office to just, do whatever she does. But I cant take a break with my throbbing knee. Fuuuucking bitch. I dont even know how to describe how annoyed I was. But I kept telling myself that I would stick it out. That, I was stronger than this and I could make it. I could survive my love leaving me...because his needs were apparently more worthy than my own, Im sure I can handle this. So I did.
Honestly, every contact with my feet right now, feels that way it did. It's intense.
I agreed to work tomorrow, 5-9, because I need the money. :/

Then, I got home after going to this pretty cool tour of the light contest on the naval base. I went to my room and chilled, because I had to get off my feet! Just...had to. Then, I thought I would go and look at the kitchen. See if, while home the entire day, someone got to the dishes. No. I was wrong. No one did. It really, really frustrated me. Before, their excuse for doing nothing, was because they were working. NOW! They are home. They dont work, so you'd think they would do something around the house? No. Instead, they sit on their butts. I want to be like hey, I worked all day, and still cleaned the fucking house. I think you can help out. Before, I worked and they still expected me to do dishes and shit. They didnt, because they were so tired from work. Apparently, I wasnt. So, now Im working and doing some overtime hours and doing extra stuff, but I come home and...nothing is done. No, I'm not too tired after doing all I do, I can also clean the dishes you leave lying around. You cant even put them in the kitchen in an orderly fashion. I dont know, it just annoys me. They would call me lazy? I dont feel bad anymore about it. Because I know I work my ass off compared to them. So fuck them. I know though, if they say one thing about one of us kids being lazy, I will flip.

Hold me secure in flight

So. Work's tomorrow. Not excited at all.
In fact, I am dreading it. I dont want to work there anymore. I cant tell you what exactly triggered it, or when I began my despise for the company. Honestly, I don't think it's despise for the company, but instead the head manager. She is...indescribable. Nothing like the last one. She is lazy, dense, and has no motivation to help others. It really puts me out to see her or talk to her. I really want to just quit instead of give my 2 weeks. One of those "walk off the floor" moments. What could they do to me? Brad has spoken highly of me to the head manager in Ontario, and they will hire me. What can she do? Nothing. I am just afraid to put my employees in a bind. I doubt I would, but I cant work there anymore. Not with her bright ideas and way she is pointing the restaurant. She is a moron. I miss what it was like before she was here. I guess I like the cleanliness, but anyone could have done that. Blah. I applied to Starbucks today. Kick ass resume and application, if I do say so myself. :) I know I wouldn't be there very long, but I would be able to transfer. They are a corp, not a franchise. Thus, transferring would be easy! I would learn the skills for coffee they need and BAM! Job. :) I would be able to work at Starbucks or McDonald's. I could even have M W F working at Starbucks and Tue Thur and maybe Sun working at McDanks. :) I'd have two jobs, and good pay. Then! Oh! Then Brad and I could rent a place...ooooO! That makes me want to look up some places. :)

BYE! Finding awesome apartments...and houses. <3 Omg. I'ma have a house with Brad! <3 <3 <3

Old places, bring old faces.

Soooo....semi-formal kinda sucked.
It was a "much video dance party"....and all the girls were dancing like whores. Everyone was paired off, and happy as two people. I was pretty much ignored, and when I tried to dance...I'd be left behind. I missed Brad terribly...he should have been there. I was miserable without him there. :/

Then today, I went to Chris'. Brad's old apartment. It didn't feel as weird because they had furniture. But...when I left it hit me. He wasn't there to kiss me for 5 minutes before he closed the door. I layed my head against the door rest, but instead of seeing his smiling face; both tired and wanting to go to bed and impatient of when he would see me again, resistant to let me go; instead I saw Chris and Shannon. Looking at me puzzled as to why I layed my head where the door would soon shut. Alas. I miss his face. His lips. Even his quirky humor. My protein deprived lover whom I have come to cherish so much.

Bed time. I am applying to Starbucks in the morning. Wish me luck.

Shorts.

Yep. Staff party tonight. Semi-formal. Kinda stoked, kinda not. Wish Brad was here, I'd make him dance. :P
Kinda makes me wonder...he had a staff party already. Did he dance with anyone? Was he there with anyone else? I donno. I trust he wasn't. But it always worries me that he is flirting with other people that flirt with him, even without him knowing it. :( Oh well. Guess I have to leave this one up to trust.
Ill update later tomorrow.

The bears might eat you, and make you dead.

I am pretty much in love with Owl City. It's so cute, smooth, and flowing as if the wind slipping between evergreen fingers. The lyrics wrap me in serenity. It fits my mood as of late. I have become much more mellow, much more peaceful. I enjoy angry music, loud music, fast music. But right now I just want to float atop a gently flowing beat. Since that night, I just like sitting and breathing in life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy getting out and doing things, I'm not lazy. But just relaxing and letting my brain sort out life is beautiful. Maybe it's because Im tired of stress, maybe it's because of my stoner friend's influences, or maybe I just am lazy...but I enjoy it. Just brings a smile to my face.

So, as most of you know, Brad paid for my phone bill, and now I can text and call to my whits delight. I find him to be incredibly sweet. As much as I hate how he left, and how I stayed, it is for the best. I can see him in February, but this has made us even closer. We have realized how much each other means to the other. He's so perfect for me...and we make a pretty decent pair. Like I explained to him on the phone today;
I understand him. I calm him and can untie the tangles of his head and heart. I help him understand things. He didnt really have a Dad, or someone to explain how to deal with his emotions or thoughts. He is helping me understand myself, and he calms me. He makes me happy so much...and I've grown a lot because of him. I adore him. Dad, if you're actually reading this stuff, he's awesome. He's pretty much everything I need and please don't dislike him. :3

Im pretty sure Canada was made for me though. I love how much they are into the arts. Yeah, sports in some places, but they really like to mix cultures and it's great. I love mixing cultures, it's grand. And they do it a whole lot here. So, not only do I get sophisticated in that manner, but I get art! :D Music! Plays! Painting! Sculpting! Its like a magical little land just for me. <3 style="font-style: italic;">never been to the east, and I cant wait. I was the kid who went 15 min to my moms house for a vacation... never left the state. Now I get to. I am going to travel and explore and learn it all! I want to make movies for people to learn, it's so amazing; our world. I cant wait to see every little piece of it...really! I'm so excited. :D

Yeah so, it's pretty cool. Im rather tired though, which is good. I wanna get my sleeping schedule in order, it should be good. Changing my work availability to mornings and afternoons, not evenings. I want to spend all the time I can with my family before I move. Heck yes! <3

Peace.

Hazard of Hearts.

Not really sure what I am going to write about today, but here goes!

Last time I updated my writing was sometime after I returned from Seattle. That was an interesting...."trip". haha.
Well, I almost went again to Seattle last night. There was to be a big rave on Friday and an even bigger one Saturday. Was debating on going with my friend, but I decided against it. I'd have to sleep in the car. I have no problem with sleeping in a car, none at all. My problem, however, was with her boyfriend. He lives near that area, and that was why she was going. I didnt want to be there and them be together and have myself sitting awkwardly. It's what happenes. I understand that, I'd cuddle off with Brad, I'm sure. It's just the fact that he was so selfish, he is so selfish. He is a rich boy, an only child. This is his veiw of things:
He is jealous of me because my bestfriend, his girlfriend, wants to spend all the time she can with me. He is moving to Idaho, which he did for his own selfish reasons and did not even think of my friend in this plan. Now that he is leaving, he will not see her for a month until she comes to visit. He is mad that she wants to spend time with me instead of him before he moves. We both, my friend and I, find it selfish and kind of pig headed. Yeah, you'll be gone a month. But I am going to be gone for who knows how long. Honestly, I've been there for her way more and I am the one she talks to when he is being a dick. So, bugger off. I dont understand how someone can be jealous of someone's best friend...it's weird. It's a whole different connection.
Bestfriend. Boyfriend. Totally different. Each offers the other something different. It's weird, and I dont understand it. I donno, maybe I just see the world differently than other people. So, I stayed home in Cashmere, while she left for Seattle to visit her spoiled and selfish boyfriend. Whatever, it's her life, and if she cant see these things now, she will soon. I wish them the best.

I watched "Grey Owl" the other night. It's such a beautiful movie. Such a beautiful story. It's one of those real life stories. Only this one, isnt "based" on, it's to the facts. It was about Archie Grey Owl, about how he lived in the wilderness and tried to warn the world as to the harms of their "expantions." I was touched by the movie. It is the kind of thing that makes me worried about my own life. Im very scared about my future. I dont want to work at McDonalds all my life. I dont want to get into a rut and wonder why years from now. As much as I love Brad, I dont want to put my life on hold just to be with him. I want to grow, I want to expand. I want my brain to be full of knowlege and I want to do the world good. I want to travel the world, I want to see everything and know everything! Im afriad I wont ever get there. I am afraid I wont get into Ryerson, and I am afraid I will be plain. Im so afraid to be plain.

Im starting to scare myself. I talk to nothing, air. I dont have his sweater anymore, I sent that to him so he could smell it up again. I have nothing left of his and I think I am actually going crazy. If I am alone, I will pretend he is sitting with me. I will talk to him. It's not normal, and I know that. I feel it might be my way to cope with him being gone, but it is not normal in the least. It started after I tried what I did in Seattle. I feel like my brain has been changed forever. It reminded me of that guy on Hero's. How when he was on heroin he could see the future. It's to weird to explain, but that's like what happened to me. I was perfect at everything I did that night, and could do things I had never tried. It wasnt one of those "you think you can do anything" moments either, I really could. It was strange. My thoughts on the idea was the part in your brain where you constrict yourself and your full potention was gone. I felt I could do anything, and had no fear, so I could. Its complicated to talk about, Im sure I could explain it easier in person. All I know is I was blown away, and then coming down from it was one of the scariest things I've ever experianced.

It snowed today. :) Started about an hour or two ago. My dad and I sat outside on the swing and talked while watching the snow. It was pretty nice. :) We came up with things we could do in the future, and just...stuff. It was nice. So my grandpa actually does have the cancer now, and I dont know what Im going to do. Looking at his face, he looks weaker. His eyes are sinking in and such, it's scary. My grandparents are whithering away and I can do nothing to help them. I feel powerless, I feel like Anakin. They are slipping out of my fingers and I cant hold onto them hard enough so they wont go. :( It hurts. My dad wants to have the house, or, take over the payments so that when they pass it wont get sold to the bank. I dont understand why my grandpa wont agree to it. Its all very complicated I guess. I always see things as the easy way, but everyone seems to think of everything in a very complicated way. It is why I dont understand people I guess. I feel horrible though. I wanted to get into the movies because I like telling stories, and animating. But also because it is a big industry where I could make lots of money. Money I could use to help my family. I could pay off for the house in one go. I could buy my mom a house, and pay for my sisters' college funds. I could pay enough so that everyone was happy, and none of my family had to ever struggle again. I hate seeing them pinch for money to get food. I feel horrible that I couldnt get to that point before this happened. :( I feel like I have failed.

I feel like I've failed, and I feel that I am destined to be plain, average forever. I really just want a hug, but even that I cant have. :/ Such is life.