Soon.

So, it's the new year. A new decade. It should be some profound moment in my life...gushing with opportunity and bursting with potential. I cant help but feel ... nothing. My entire self is numbed by the thoughts I am trying to overcome.
That is why I have come to you.
Dear Blogger. Keeper of my secrets. I hope you can silence these thoughts.
They're about what they always lead to eventually. The standard of all men, the pinnacle of a gentlemen. My rock.
What am I supposed to do? We have this ridiculous tug of war that drives me crazy. First it's me, then it's him. And I dont know what to do! Honestly, out of everyone in my life he is who I want to go to when something bad happens. Something bad, or good, or drastic. Dramatic. Exciting. He is like a light house and Im lost at sea. Cliche, perhaps. True? Very.
He is contagious. No. He is addictive. He is a drug that I cannot take once. The millisecond his soul touched mine I felt engulfed in something I have yet to feel again. How can you meet someone with such an impact at such a young age? I cant believe in the possibility, which is probably why it's lasted this long. Honestly, I am not sure it is real.
It is strange though, he is in my head, yet he is just observing. I get the slightest insecurity, and he knows the exact thing to say to extinguish it.
Instantaneously.
It is like the second I think of it, he knows and bites my tongue for me.
We can go a year without speaking.
We have.
And when I recently got back in contact with him... I explained why I did. I had a moment of clarity. I thought of him, after months of pushing it aside in my head and I felt refreshed. I explained it to him, and he said he felt the same. He can be worked 14 hours a day, and exhausted.
And getting a simple "hello" he is overcome with this...refreshing feeling. I dont understand it at all.
It is something so much bigger than him or I.
I am not desperate. I am not a romantic. I am not influenced by movies, tv or couples. My own brain comes to these ideas, and it hurts.
There is a lingering pain there.
I am afraid...
The idea of being with one person the rest of your life...is one thing, among atomic warfare, that terrifies me. I get bored. If a rut comes along, I need out. Fast.
I was with my last boyfriend for over a year, yes. But we were only in the same place for months at a time. I think that is why it lasted. We were not together all the time.
Am I not someone meant to be with another?
I need to be pushed, inspired and dared. I need to reach my limits, and find his. I seem to find them too easy with most..and the initial interest fades quite quickly. I take on their interests to hold onto something, but it is empty.
We have talked on and off, but still have felt no less for one another.
Yet, what if we talked constantly? Would I become bored of the one person I never thought I would? Would he become bored of me?
Have I grown up too much? We met at 16... have we moved too far along in our lives?
I dont know what to do. What to think.
He knows my quirks. He tells me if I've crossed a line.
He isn't afraid to mold me.
I dont mean that in the sense that I would or could change for him, but in another way. More of a way that he is willing to push me and teach me. He has already taught me so much.
My world has expanded so much because of him. His, not so much from me.
There are things, however, I have done for him.
Maybe I am so into this idea of us because of his independence. His thriving life and the fact that adding me to the mix would not be a huge change for either of us.
I like the idea of having my own life, and him having his.

I dont know what to do. I cannot give into this feeling.
I cannot just let it consume me again. I fall too fast and much too hard for him if I let it happen. He is the top of the K2, and when I accept my feelings for him, I begin to plummet off, gaining speed quickly.

I am torn. What we have is from movies.
For him, every girl he's been with or met has been a distraction as he put it. I guess I give myself too little credit. Where I rate everyone I meet from the standards he has set, he finds things similar to me in them. One has my laugh, another my humor, and still another gives him a certain look which I once did. Subtle things he has all found similar which has drawn him to them. Unfortunately for them, he bores easy when they are not the same. These are not my words, they are his.
For me, I will also see things about them which remind me of him and I jump! Days later I find they are not so common, and my interest fades. Maybe this is why I get bored of people easy, leading me to the idea I have a fear of commitment.
I am unsure, however, it does sound plausible.
We've fucked each other up. Without the other, we are not happy, but merely content. Living each day as the last.
I cant admit this. I wont.
I wont let myself become careless and fall for him again.
He is my cryptonite.

I am so overwhelmed with this. We were like magnets...or puzzle pieces. Once put together, there was a snap. I knew it, he knew it. There was something there. Ever since then we've been pulled apart by others, jobs, life. Yet, we still snap together as if nothing has happened or years have passed.
An immortal caring.
Boy, that sounds childish. 8 year old girl childish. Im not a princess.
This isnt a fairy tale. I need to get a reality check.
We will never be a we.
He will never be with me.
It wont work out.....no matter what I tell myself.


No matter how low every man since him has fallen to the bar he has set...
Soon my heart will believe my head and all this will be over...

Soon...